Takes

Beating a video game is something that is only fun once

Beating a video game. Once you [beat it], you can't go back and beat another video... like yes you can, [but] it's not as fun. If you beat Goldeneye and you go back and you know all the secrets and stuff, it does not have that same allure. The first time you beat Goldeneye, you think that you are God.

Getting married is definitely more fun the first time

Getting married. It's definitely more fun the first time. ...When I intend to do it, I, I'll only do it once.

I learned how to run before I learned how to walk

I learned to run before I learned to walk.

Titty fucking is only fun to do once

I think guys, if you guys, the one person will agree with me... It is the man. We're doing it. Drum roll: titty fucking. It's simply fun [only] once. That is something that like you're in middle school, you dream about and then you do it and it's like, this isn't that fun. I've literally only done it once 'cause I was like, I don't need to do this shit.

Throwing a house party in high school is only fun the first time

Throwing a house party in high school. When parents aren't there. It's fun the first time you might get away with it. You might not, but you still had that one time. But then you can't really do it again. Or if you do it again, it gets out of hand. Your first one's a banger people, the bar's gonna be so high for the future ones that like you can only go downhill.

Showering in the morning is mandatory to feel accomplished

I don't understand for the life of me, anyone who doesn't shower in the morning. You gotta shower in the morning right before you go to work 'cause it makes you feel accomplished... I would feel like just dooo going to work without showering first.

Unsubscribing from spam emails is an S-tier easy task

Unsubscribing to spam emails. One of my favorite easy tasks. That just makes you feel awesome when you like have your entire email box... You feel like you conquered the world. Subset of this is when you find the email where they make the unsubscribe hidden and then when you find it, you're like, yes, got it! You fuckers tried to get me.

Bluetooth is one of the greatest inventions of the modern era

Everyone in this room uses Bluetooth every single day. Probably one of the greatest inventions in the modern era.

Men evolved beards as a form of physical armor to protect their throats in combat

I actually read this crazy thing that men developed beards because it prevented them from getting their throat slashed in combat. It was an extra like thing of Armor.

Pissing in the snow and writing your name is an elite experience

Peeing in the snow. Pissing in the snow, writing your name in the snow rocks, watching it melt. ... You got your own fire hose.

Shower pisses are elite and I will actually hold a piss just so I can do it in the shower

The shower piss is elite. ... It's like automatic that I pee in the shower. I'll hold a piss to go in the shower. ... It's also kind of badass when you're a little dehydrated and your piss is yellow in the shower.

Shower pisses are gross and I am not a shower piss guy

I'm not a shower piss guy. ... [PFT: How can you not pee in the shower?] I'm not a shower piss guy. ... Shower pisses are so gross.

Peeing on a smoldering campfire to put it out is an elite experience

Peeing onto a smoldering fire... putting out the fire. So putting out your fire rules. ... You got your own fire hose.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

The NFL RedZone channel is the #1 overall pick in a draft of 'Red Things'

Red zone channel... One-one. It is the one-one. There is no other.

To be a true 'Hoss,' you should be clinically obese by BMI standards

I would say that yes. To be a Hoss you should be overweight. ... You should be clinically obese by BMI. ... Your BMI should be outta whack. ... Hosses are more laid back. They lumber.

You should never mess with the IT guy in your office.

The IT guy, don't fuck with him. Don't fuck. Do not fuck with him. He knows every he can, knows everything. Get every bit of information about you. He can watch you as you surf the net.

A guy with cauliflower ear is the number one person you never want to mess with.

Guy with cauliflower ear. Done. You see cauliflower ear, you turn around. It's an absolute red blinking sign that says, do not fuck with this guy, because you know he's been in some shit.

California teenagers are some of the scariest people you can encounter.

Don't fuck with California teenagers. They're scary. They're way cooler than you. They'll TikTok in your face. Smash you in the head with their skateboard or fucking steal your wallet.

The losing team of Mount Rushmore season must do a 24-hour solitary confinement stream in a white padded room

The punishment that I am offering up for Mount Rushmore season is the losing team has to do a 24-hour stream in a white padded room. Solitary confinement. Obviously you're not solitary because you're with someone else. 24 hours. Nothing else in the room.

I have probably walked by at least six serial killers in my lifetime

Number of serial killers walked by. I think it's over three people. Holy shit, six. I like that because then it's like, holy shit.

Actually considering going to the doctor when you feel physically wrong is a definitive sign of getting old.

Number one on my list was actually considering going to the doctor when you feel wrong. ... It actually crosses my mind for like, as I've gotten a little older, I'm like, 'Should I go to the doctor?' And that was something I never, ever thought about.

Being excited to open the mail is a sign that you are getting old.

My first pick was going to be opening mail, but I think I should change it to excited to open mail. Because I had a stack of stuff... and I was like, 'Look at me opening this shit.'

Starting conversations with 'Did you know that in World War II...' is a definitive sign of getting old.

I'm going to say anytime you start a question with, 'Did you know that in World War II...' I'm in the middle of this Vietnam book... it's fucking killer. ... I don't want society to just abandon the people that need the help the most, but I'm in the middle of this Vietnam book.

Getting genuinely upset when a game doesn't tip off exactly at its scheduled time is a sign of getting old.

Getting actually upset when a game doesn't tip off when it says it's going to tip off. I used to joke about it, but now it's like, if it says eight-thirty and they tip off at 8:43, I'm like, 'What the fuck? Why did you fucking tell... that's another 13 minutes that I'm not going to be in bed. This is bullshit.'

Being able to nap on a couch instantly for 15 minutes is a definitive sign of getting old

The last one, this might be more of a dad thing, but I, I If you put me on a couch, I can nap like almost instantly for 10 minutes, 15 minutes. ... and now I've gotten to that point and it's like, fuck that is me.

Standing at the beach and just staring at the horizon is a definitive sign of getting old.

Staring at the horizon at the beach. You're at the beach and you're standing there and you're just looking off in the horizon. Dudes in their twenties are playing spike ball... and then you'll just see like an old dude who's got his hands on his hips and he's just looking off in the horizon.

Being late to pull out is the worst thing you can possibly be late for

Pulling out, that sucks. Really bad when you're late, kind of defeats the entire purpose of it. Kills it. Guess what, babe? I'm about to pull out. Oh shit, guess what? You have to raise a kid.

Boobs are the undisputed #1 overall pick for things that are cooler in slow motion

Boobs, easy. So they said, when we said slow motion, max, Hank and memes... they're like, oh, easy way. Who picked? Yeah. But you guys were going to pick it... literally Max took his pants off and started jerking off. He's like boom, boom and boom.

Calling another man 'buddy' or 'pal' is the ultimate subtle emasculation

Calling someone buddy or pal... buddying them. Total emasculation. And you just drop the pal or the buddy's like, okay buddy. That's just the worst. And it's very like, you can't really get mad because it is subtle enough. But dropping a buddy or a pal like Steven Cheah does it. And it drives me absolutely insane.

Helping a man off a boat is a major act of emasculation

Helping a man off a boat. Yes. Big time. If, if you're as a man taking another man's hand to step off the boat because you can't get to where that man is without him helping you. Brutal. That's super [emasculating] and it's, and it it's like, it really only happens in boats.

Controlling the remote at someone else's home is the ultimate power move

Controlling the remote at someone else's home. That is a big time emasculation move. Never let anyone else touch your own remote. If I go to your house right now and I sit down on your couch and I take the remote and I'm just cruising, if you don't fight me, you're a bitch.

Telling a man 'you're mad' when he's trying to make a point is a top-tier emasculation move

There's nothing more irritating actually than like being told that you're mad about something that you're not. And then your whole little world around you is like, people like, look how mad you are. Look how mad you are when you're not actually mad... Therefore our last pick is telling someone that they're mad. Just be like, you can't control your emotions. You're mad.

Opening bottles with your teeth is a definitive sign of being a criminal

Opening bottles with your teeth... It is crazy. It blows my mind. Glass bottles are not supposed like your teeth or your teeth... some people I have, I have a friend that would do it. Like, do you have a bottle? I have a bottle opener. And he's like, no, let me do it with my teeth... it's concerning.

Owning a snake as a pet is a definitive pre-crime sign

Our first pick, we're gonna go with owning a snake as a pet. Anyone who owns snakes, fucking pre-crime city. You're just waiting for the snake to just escape in your house and then kill you in your sleep... If you own a snake, I just assume at some point you will commit a crime. It's part of your DNA.

Parents who put their children on leashes are committing a pre-crime

Our second pick is gonna be parents who put their kids on leashes... I understand that if you're in crowds, you don't want them running off. But just like, I don't know. I don't yeah. A leash on a kid is fucked up.

Being born in Northern Austria on April 20th, 1889 is the ultimate pre-crime indicator

Our second pick. I can't believe this one lasted this long actually for pre-crime is being born in Northern Austria on April 20th, 1889. Big time pre crime. Pre-crime I actually like just pre-death penalty. Just kill that baby.

Being a youth women's gymnastics coach without a daughter on the team should be an automatic jail sentence

If you're like a youth women's gymnastics coach and you don't have a daughter, you should automatically go to jail a hundred percent. Like without doubt, fucked up you have to be to be a gymnastics coach in general.

Interacting with porn stars online or buying them gifts off Amazon lists is major pre-crime behavior

Interacting with porn stars online. Whether it be the comments section or buying them like gifts off their Amazon gift lists. Yeah. Big time. Pre-crime. The Amazon gift lists are just wild. It's like I'm gonna buy my favorite porn star, like a vacuum cleaner for her house. Oh. And hopefully she'll fuck me.

Adult autograph seekers who bring suitcases and use 'orphans' to get items signed are criminals

Our last pick is adult autograph seekers. We've seen 'em recently at Bill's training camp when they were just like throwing shit on the field, especially the ones that show up with their suitcases filled with stuff and they run their operation like Oliver twist and they send their little orphans out to go get autographs and bring them back.

Eating fish for lunch in the office should be a real crime

We're gonna go with eating fish for lunch in the office. Should be a crime. Yeah. Should be, yeah. Should be a real, it should be a real crime. Yes. It's definitely pre-crime yes. Like you just have no standards or like, you know, empathy for any of your coworkers or peers.

Not pulling out is an all-time bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

Getting head is a universally loved thing

Our first pick is getting head. Getting your [dick] sucked or getting eaten out if you were a lady. Everyone likes head. I think this is the obvious one too.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

I will eat a pound of corn if the Billy/Jake/Memes team wins the Fruit Mount Rushmore

If you lose, I wanna see you eat five pounds of corn... Alright, how about a pound of—I'm talking about by the way, loose corn? Not ears of corn. A pound of corn. Deal.

The Irish Goodbye is the single best way to leave a social gathering

Irish goodbye is our first pick. There's no better goodbye than Irish goodbye. When you just are, you can just leave and you don't have to worry about saying goodbyes and you're just gone... The Irish goodbye is one, one of goodbyes.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

A pet is the absolute worst gift to receive

Any animal that you have to take care of? It's like, not a, it's not something that let's say you don't like the gift you can, you know, pretend to like it. And then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, like you have to take care of that animal.

A gym membership is a terrible gift because it implies the recipient is fat

Number one, a gym membership, because the double double, like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape. And then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym, a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone.

AC/DC is the number one band for kicking things up a notch

I might just, I think they're the number one, turn it up a notch band. If you play AC/DC, you just immediately are like, 'let's fucking go.' I want to hit someone. I wanna drink. I wanna fucking do shit. It's a notch accelerator.