Takes

Joey Chestnut is better than Tiger Woods because he competes against everyone who has ever eaten a hot dog

He is better than Tiger Woods better. I would say better because Tiger Woods only competes against what 200 other people in a golf major right? Joey Chestnut is literally competing against anybody that's ever eating a hot dog.

Once 2020 ends, everything will get back to normal and be perfect

Once 2020 ends, everything's going to get back to normal to be perfect. You think 2020 is going to run up the score on us?

I would rather take $1 million a year for 25 years than $20 million upfront because I would spend the lump sum on jet skis.

If you were to say like, PFT, I'm going to give you either twenty million dollars on your 25th birthday or I'm going to give you a million dollars a year until you're 50, I'm absolutely taking the million until 50. Because if I'm 25, I'm just going to spend it like Billy Football would—just a shitload of jet skis, essentially just my own jet ski farm.

New York City will have an eerie and calm Fourth of July because people used up all the fireworks in June.

Right now people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the fourth, at least in New York City. First, it'll be like a calm-ish, calmer than normal Fourth of July in New York City, which should be—that'll be kind of eerie.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

You can treat scabies by buying horse medicine (Ivermectin) at a tractor supply store

you just go to the Tractor Supply store and get Ivermectin if you think you have scabies... you get it like a tractor supply store because you get the horses. If you can't get from your doctor, they sell it in big tubes like toothpaste.

An owl or a raccoon is the likely culprit in the chicken massacre

I'm saying Al [Owl] or raccoon... trash pandas raccoons rip the heads off.

I could kitesurf right now by just letting the wind do the work

I don't think windsurfing is at heart I said for those I don't think it's nice I just fucking hang on I said right here I think I could kitesurf yeah just let the wind do all the while I watch it I was like dude all you gotta do is listen up and then bring you down.

We need to end the stigma around men dyeing their hair

I want to get out there and let people know it's okay to dye your hair as long as you're honest about it. I have gray I get the grades around the temple... Let's end the stigma. I dye my hair and I'm not ashamed of it.

Every man should try to be the best version of himself, including skincare and manicures

I believe that every guy should try to be the best version of themselves. Not just with how they look but with everything manicure and pedicure... you know I started a men's skincare line because their egos... guys need to take care of the skin.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

A gorilla would beat a grizzly bear in a fight if it could make a weapon

I would agree with [the grizzly bear] unless the gorilla is in an environment where he can learn to make weapons... I'm gonna leave the guns next to him right before the fight... One in the Chamber... guess who's closer to human? Gorilla.

A grizzly bear would easily defeat a gorilla because of its massive weight advantage

I researched this very intensely and a gorilla can only get up to like 300 or 400 pounds. Whereas a grizzly bear can get up to 1,500 pounds depending on the subspecies... get the big grizzly bear... the Kodiak bear can get up to 2,000 pounds.

I want to buy a Wiffle ball league and become the Vince McMahon of Wiffle ball

I want to buy a wiffle ball leak and I watched probably three hours of this Wiffle ball league in Michigan... I want to be the Vince McMahon and Wiffle ball and and bring them all together and make a national Wiffle ball league because you know what? I actually think Wiffle ball could just be the new sport.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

A girl taking forever to get ready is actually a positive for guys

Taking forever to get ready to go out... as soon as you like as you get older you realize like the timing of things and that's just free time. that's a rain delay that you get for going out that's you know what that time is that sit on the couch and refresh Twitter every two seconds right and not have to feel bad about not feel that at all.

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

We have officially become the 'dads' of the podcast

I think what's happened here, you know when whenever you have a family right and there's that point in time when the 10-12 year old kids turn into teenagers and the dads start becoming the butt of every single joke... We are the dads now. We have become the dads. I'm getting roasted on Twitch. You're getting roasted by Hank and ping pong. Billy is just roasting me. Just mentally we are the dads.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

I will have the greatest gambling season of my life because of clovers in my new yard

I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place... Talk to the previous tenant, he said if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

Having low-hanging fruit for people to criticize is a great shield against being called an asshole

having some low-hanging fruit that everyone can always pin you to is actually not a bad thing. Because then they won't... No one will be like, fuck PFT, I think he's an asshole. They'll be like, fuck PFT, he just didn't give the money he said he was going to give to charity. You basically give them a layup.

You can get a million dollars for selling a kidney

You can get like a million dollars for a kidney. It's way more than what you need.

Any move I make is by definition a 'Blake move' because I am a Blake

I seem to subscribe to the thought that any move I do is a Blake move because I am a Blake and I'm not sure that you guys can quite speak to that because you've never been a Blake.

The worst part of vacation is waking up on the third day after binge drinking

Waking up on the third day after binge drinking for two days, and it really just all sets in. I think Thursday. I basically just slept all day.

Different state laws are a top reason to stay home rather than go on vacation

Changing state laws. Like getting arrested in Virginia with a radar scanner... So I just like to stay home and I'll come to work anytime. This is way better than a cubicle by any means.

Writer's block doesn't exist; you just need to 'change the weather' in the script

I've never, I've had places where I've gotten sort of stopped, but I just... what I have always advised people was change the weather. In other words, make it rain, make it snow, do something different just with the weather. And all of a sudden you have a different look at things.

Tobey Maguire is the best poker player in America

I know that Tobey Maguire is the best poker player in America.

A dog's head tilt is the best thing about having a dog

The inquisitive ears slash look when a noise or, you know, like your dog's like trying to learn something new and they give you that sideways glance. The head tilt. Oh, the best.

Resting your hands on your knees while tired is a sign of weakness that I will exploit

I still believe if you have your hands on your knees, it's a sign of weakness and I will exploit you. [Resting your hands on your head] was such a mind fuck when they said that it doesn't make a difference if you're tired.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

White privilege is not something to feel guilty about, but something that requires empathy

I shouldn't have to feel guilty about being white. I agree. You're conflating guilt with empathy. That's all it is. Saying, I see black people struggling or I see the plight against a people of color is not the same as saying it's wrong for me to be white in this country. Nobody's saying that.

Bonobos are the greatest of the great apes because they have sex to solve all their problems

Bonobos are the goats of apes... These guys have governments made up on sex... Instead of like a group of bonobos meeting another group of bonobos, they don't fight, they just make love. They have sex for three reasons, pleasure, bonding, and peacekeeping.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

Truck nuts are the ultimate indicator of a douchebag

I will start with truck nuts. Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories. If you see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag.

Car eyelashes are a psycho move and reveal specific lifestyle traits

The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move... VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, probably own at least three pugs. Like the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle. And yeah, probably living a life alone.

0.0 bumper stickers are the lamest distance-based stickers

I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest. That one used to be funny. Now it's lame. Now it's so lame.

People in their mid-20s are losing a prime year of their life due to the pandemic

If you're in your mid twenties, you're just giving away a year of your prime. It's like Sean Payton getting suspended for a year with the Saints. Like, you have just given away a year that you'll never get back.

You get drunker drinking at home than you do at a bar with the same amount of drinks

I think you get drunker in your living room drinking alone or with friends than you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks. Like, I can have six beers in my living room, and I'll puke on myself, pee myself, and go to sleep. If I have six beers in a bar, it's like, okay, my night is one-tenth of the way done.

Your imagination is better than any video game console

Turns out your imagination is way better than any video game console. We should definitely do a just hour-long Dungeons and Dragons episode.

We will likely have a COVID-19 vaccine available by January 2021

If in a very, very perfect world we could have something by January to actually take that we could get. But now that there are so many billions and billions of dollars and every single lab on the planet is trying to do something, this is when the human race does things extraordinary.

I guarantee sports will be back in July

Sports are coming back in July. I guarantee it. ... Clip that. No, they are coming back. At some point in July.

Dak Prescott is a 'cool hat guy' who can pull off a cowboy hat

I actually think Dak Prescott is cool hat guy. I think he could run like even a cowboy hat like he something that's not a normal hat. I think you look good.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

My ping pong victory over PFT Commenter is like the Bulls finally beating the Pistons

It's like MJ [Michael Jordan] versus the Pistons, except in this situation, no one got to saw the Pistons beat the Bulls.

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

Sports teams should secretly tape games during the season to release during future pandemic lockdowns

My idea is every single sports franchise needs to, every single year, play a game that is secretly taped that we do not know the result of, and then save it in case of something like this happening again. Because could you imagine if we had even the NBA champion Mavs from that season playing a game against the Heat... and we broadcast it, and it's like, boom. You don't know what's going to happen. You can bet on it.

Weights are physically heavier in 'shitty' gyms with no air conditioning

He trained in the shittiest gyms. And I think that those weights are, in fact, heavier in shitty gyms. If you go to a place that's 100 degrees inside, that's got cobwebs and dust and shit everywhere, you're going to get a better pump than if you go to a Gold's Gym in Manhattan Beach.