Takes

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

People who complain about winter are losers and should just move to California

People that bitch about winter are fucking losers. It's cold and it's dark early and also get over it. Don't bitch. Move to California if you don't like it.

I will not drink alcohol until Thanksgiving to train for my dunk attempt

I'm going. I'm not drinking till Thanksgiving... I'm training every day. It's not something I've like forgot about. Overdrive.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

Every sports player should be allowed to fight one fan per year

I have the rule that they should enact in all sports. That every player gets to fight one fan once a year. Because that solves that. [Anthony Rendon] gets to fight that guy who called him a pussy, beat his ass. He called him a bitch, beat his ass. And then no one's gonna fuck with the rest of the [players] because he'll be like, wow, Anthony Rendon beat the fuck out him.

Career decisions and outcomes in your twenties are ultimately inconsequential to the rest of your life.

Don't compare yourself to [classmates]. You're going to feel like you have to compare yourself to them... it doesn't mean anything for the course of your life. What you do in your twenties can be ultimately inconsequential to what happens for the rest of your life. So don't rush into being an adult too quick.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

Ryen Russillo would 'snap Hank in half' in a fight

Dude, he would... No offense, but [Ryen] Russillo would snap you in half. ... if you versus Russillo, you're not that guy.

I would bail any PMT cast member out of jail for killing a man, but not a woman

I think if it was another man, I'd bail all of you guys out for killing another man. Well, no, I would not bail you out if you killed a woman. I think I'd bail you guys out if you guys were like, hey, I got into beef with another man, had to kill him. I'd be like, alright, fine, fuck it, let's roll.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a means of staying alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

The OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet is going to 'kick everyone's ass'

I'm on a diet. You've got to get your stomach small, bro. Once you reach OMAD (One Meal A Day), it's a level of intermittent fasting... If I never eat again, I will be skinny. OMAD is going to kick everyone's ass.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

Dads love it when their sons come home from college for the first time because they see them as their "party kid"

I think what you can do is, especially with your dad, dads love their sons going off to college for the first time. Cause they come back that first break and dad's like 'there's my party kid right there.' Your dad will probably drink with you on the first night. Maybe be a little hungover... and then you've already established that you drink in his house now.

An Xbox is the best breakup gift to give during the holidays

What's the best gift to get someone that you want to break up with after the holiday season? An Xbox, I'm just going to say it. Like something that will keep them entertained. Because if you break up with him after giving him an Xbox, he's not going to be talking to you anyways. At that point it will just be obsessed with his new video game system.

It is better to be freezing inside with no heat than sweating with no AC

I'd rather be cold than hot. [With no AC] you can almost like figure it out... take off my t-shirt, wear some shorts, no underwear... [but] I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you can't move. It gets so, so cold inside.

Skee-Ball is a bizarre hobby; get a girlfriend instead

[Listener:] I'm officially addicted to [Skee-Ball] to the point where I spend my Friday nights doing so, do you have any advice to knock this bizarre hobby? [Big Cat:] I would find a girlfriend.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

Testicles shrivel in the cold specifically to regulate sperm production temperature

When your balls shrivel up when it's cold is because they are seeking warmth because your sperm factory, in your nut sack, has to stay closer to your body to be the right temperature... because the optimal sperm producing temperature is a little bit chillier than the rest of your body.

Running is not good for you because human hearts have a finite number of beats

Running isn't good for you. No one should ever think running's good for you. As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.