Takes

FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sep Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. Fifa. It turns out plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

NBA players would win the World Cup for the US in four months if they switched to soccer

If the Bucks decided that they wanted to be the US men's national team in soccer, we'd win a World Cup. No problem. Pick any sport. They'd be our best soccer player without a doubt. Give them four months.

Lionel Messi will choke in the 2022 World Cup

My sit is Lionel Messi. This is the time of the year... he's due for a choke in the fucking World Cup. He's not my goat. He's gonna put up a big fat goose egg in there going down.

Lionel Messi is the Chris Paul of soccer if he doesn't win the World Cup

My hot seat is Lionel Messi in Argentina because Argentina just lost 2-1 against the kingdom of Saudi Arabia... maybe the biggest defeat in the World Cup, some are asking is Messi a bust? Some are asking is Messi the Chris Paul of soccer? I think it's a fair comparison at this point.

The 2022 World Cup will not be finished in Qatar

I don't think the World Cup's gonna finish. I think it's gonna get canceled for some reason... I don't think it's gonna be finished in Qatar... it sounds like the literal Fire Fest. I'm getting Fire Fest vibes.

Italy will win the World Cup this year

I like Italy this year... America's my second team behind. Behind Italy. I'm gonna root for Italy. I think Italy. I think this is Italy's year... Italy's just too good.

Harry Kane is not a threat to score if he is outside the six-yard line

Harry Kane? If he has the ball outside the six-yard line, he's not going to score, not a threat... outside of the six, not a danger.

Nick Saban could make Alabama the number one soccer team in the world immediately

I know we joke, but if Nick Saban and the Alabama football team decided they wanted to be number one soccer team in the world, they would. Immediately. Zero training. Yes, they just would.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

Christian Pulisic is wasting his talent overseas and should play in the MLS to grow the game

I'm squatting on a take right now and that is getting mad at Christian Pulisic for not playing in the MLS. If he truly cared about American soccer, he would be over here... more people are becoming Chelsea fans than they are Charlotte FC.

Neymar's flopping is actually a profile in courage and bravery

I think it's so harsh on Neymar. I mean, I see him as a profiling courage and bravery. I just see the pain, the agony, I mean, just the savage damage that is done to his body... he loses limbs in the game... Neymar gets up when he's broken, had his leg broken, and he says, don't worry, lads, I'm going to brush this off.

Juergen Klinsmann is a worse coach than the man who led the Thai kids into a cave

I think it was pretty astute that Juergen Klinsmann is a worse soccer coach than the guy that led them down into that predicament in the first place.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

The US will win the 2018 World Cup

I'm going with the U.S... They could still come back. You never count the U.S. out until they're totally out.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

Injuring Lionel Messi would increase the popularity of soccer in the United States

I think maybe if you injure Messi, that would be pretty huge for soccer in the United States. Everybody loves a bully. Maybe severely injure Messi and make him not able to play soccer ever again. I think you would get a lot of new fans from the United States. Because if there's anything that fans in the United States hate, it's like a little European-ish guy.

Leicester City is a fraud if they don't defend their title

If you don't defend your title, you're a fraud. Let's just put our cards on the table here, Leicester City. If you don't defend your title, you're a fraud.

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.