Takes

The World Cup draw will be rigged for the United States

If anyone could pull it off, Trump doesn't care about soccer. Oh he does. He he's, he took the ball from FIFA. He's been bragging to everybody about how he got the World Cup. Make that happen buddy. Iceland is the smallest country to qualify for the World cup.

CONCACAF is rigged to ensure the United States doesn't win the Gold Cup

I join the chorus of those who were saying CONCACAF rigged. They don't want to see the United States win the Gold Cup. They'd much rather have it be Mexico.

The United States might actually just suck at soccer

So if [Pochettino] loses it's the, we might suck at soccer. Yeah, we might suck at soccer. Okay. I've been saying that.

The USMNT will beat Mexico in the Gold Cup final but will inevitably disappoint in their next major tournament

The US is gonna play against Mexico in the finals. We're going to beat Mexico in the finals and we're all gonna be like US soccer's back. We're good. And then we're gonna blow it again in the next tournament that we play. It's the pageantry and the spectacle of the Gold Cup.

Sepp Blatter's acquittal proves FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sepp Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. FIFA. It turns out, plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

The USMNT must fire Gregg Berhalter now or give up on the 2026 World Cup

Our players didn't play that well, but our coaching stunk. And so now he's gotta be fired. We gotta fire Greg. Now's time. If we're not gonna fire him now, just might as well give up on the World Cup.

USMNT coach Gregg Berhalter stinks and should be fired

My Hot Seat is Greg Berhalter. Ooh. The coach of the US men's national team out. He should be out. Yeah. Hot Seat Greg. He lost to Trinidad in Tobago. Can't do that... He stinks. We brought him back. He doesn't get along with any of the best players on the team. Fire Greg. Fire him.

The USWNT's 3-0 victory over Vietnam was the worst three-goal victory I have ever seen

I watched the second half of the Vietnam game. That was bad. That was the worst three goal victory I've ever seen.

The US Men's National Team will win the 2026 World Cup because of Folarin Balogun

We got a big defection... Folarin Balogun. He's on the arsenal, he's on the arsenals and he's a striker. And we don't have a striker... so it's coming home 2026. Hell, yes. Way to go, dude.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the GOAT

Ronaldo, my goat got benched. People don't like Ronaldo. I don't understand. ... Ronaldo's the goat, Messi's great but Ronaldo greater.

Lionel Messi is the Chris Paul of soccer if he doesn't win the World Cup

My hot seat is Lionel Messi in Argentina because Argentina just lost 2-1 against the kingdom of Saudi Arabia... maybe the biggest defeat in the World Cup, some are asking is Messi a bust? Some are asking is Messi the Chris Paul of soccer? I think it's a fair comparison at this point.

The 2022 Qatar World Cup is one of the worst overall sports tournaments in history

It's really one of the worst overall tournaments of all time ever... we're doing an entire world cup in the middle of the desert where we have to blast air conditioning and do the tournament in the middle of American football.

It would be 'fucking hilarious' if the US Men's National Soccer Team loses by 6 goals and misses the World Cup

If the U.S. team loses by six goals tonight then they don't automatically qualify... I as a giant U.S. men's national team soccer fan, I can admit that if they lose by six goals tonight and don't qualify, that is fucking hilarious. I hope either they win or they lose by six or more goals tonight.

The U.S. women's soccer team sucks at soccer now

My hot seat is the U.S. women's soccer team because they lost and we stink... I tweeted about like, oh, we suck at soccer now.

The US Men's National Team will qualify for a World Cup within the next 10 years

I have a feeling that all these building blocks that we've got in place, at some point in the next 10 years, the U.S. men's national team is going to qualify for World Cup.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world [Pulisic] played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

US Soccer audited finances prove the women players earn more than the men

My hot seat is people who think U.S. soccer is sexist and doesn't pay the women enough. Because our good friend DR came out with a tweet today where he showed that the women – U.S. soccer responded for the first time ever with what shows that their independently audited finances that show that their women players actually earn more than the men.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

FIFA is the one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit.

If there's one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit, it's FIFA. This is like number 100 on their list right now of things to take care of right behind building stadiums that look like vaginas using slave labor.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years because Cristiano Ronaldo's son is an American citizen

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. He's like the Johnny Appleseed for the future of U.S. soccer. We just need Cristiano Ronaldo to impregnate just as many women as possible... in America.

Any EPL team that allows an 'American stink' on them deserves to be relegated

If you get an American stink on your EPL team, you deserve to be relegated. [referencing Bob Bradley at Swansea City]

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.