Takes

I can bench my own body weight

What do you bench? I can bench about 170 maybe. Oh, what do you weigh? About 170. Oh, man. Okay. I can bench me.

You should always bet on a team if their mascot goes down or a player has a family tragedy.

Anytime a mascot goes down, anytime a team changes a uniform, something cool, like a bright color, new helmets, the matte helmets, anytime a player dies, family member dies, got to bet on that team.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

Nothing good ever happens on the cloud, so you should stay off of it.

Stay off the cloud, kids. Nothing good can happen on the cloud. The cloud is not your friend.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

Car bombs are the number one drink to order at a bar

Number one, car bombs.

Drinking a Budweiser (Bud Heavy) bottle at a bar is a badass move

Budweiser. Bottle. It's actually America. That's just a badass move. If you see a guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, okay, this guy fucks.

Penn State should have a fluid process for reevaluating Joe Paterno's wins based on current public sentiment

I think Penn State should just have a fluid process of always constantly reevaluating whether or not Joe Paterno's wins stand. So like as more evidence comes out, you can take his wins away. And then once you forget about all the bad stuff he did, you give him his wins back.

Bill Belichick is more important to the Patriots than Tom Brady

Who is more important to the Patriots, Belichick or Brady? Belichick.

You can't blame old people for things like forgetting people, pooping their pants, or being racist

You know, there's things you can't blame old people for. Forgetting people. Pooping their pants. Sexism. Racism. Touches of racism. You sort of have to just go, okay.

Greg Hardy strikes me more as a meth and PCP guy than a cocaine guy

[Greg Hardy] never struck me as a coke guy, to be honest. He struck me as a meth guy, a heavy, heavy meth guy. Maybe some angel dust? Yeah, PCP and meth.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

Bryce Harper's thumb injury and Daniel Murphy's buttocks injury are definitely connected

Bryce Harper with a thumb injury and Daniel Murphy with a buttocks injury... got to connect those. I'm not a conspiracy guy. The butt goes in the thumb. There are a lot of dots out there. This seems like it's a nice fit.

Wawa is significantly better than Sheetz

I prefer Wawa over Sheetz, but I'm not knocking Sheetz at all... Wawa is just a part of me. So when you go there and you eat it, it just tastes right.

Eli Manning is the funniest quarterback I've played for, followed by Aaron Rodgers and Andy Dalton

Eli is funny. He's sneaky funny. Aaron [Rodgers] is two. Andy [Dalton] is three... Eli is the kind of guy... he'll kind of crop dust you or just like drive by fart you and then just walk away.

Skyline Chili is garbage

Cincinnati Bengals, Skyline Chili. Garbage. Yes. Thank you. It's the worst... I asked people in Cincinnati, what's the deal with the skyline? ... It's greasy drunk food.

Northwestern is the most arrogant journalism school in the country

Northwestern is a surefire number one year. And I would say everybody else is like seven, eight, nine, 10. There's no place more hubristic than Northwestern as a journalism school.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby who gets an unfair pass from the media

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title when he was considered the best player in the NBA for a very long time.

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.

Bill Belichick isn't being abrasive; he's just taking media questions at face value

A lot of people think that Bill Belichick is trolling the media and being abrasive on purpose. He's just answering these questions. He is taking everything at face value. You ask him a question about medical stuff. He is not a doctor. He is a football coach. That is his job. The doctors are doctors. He is the football coach.

It's a good sign when a football coach sleeps in the office because it shows they are working nonstop

I do love it when football coaches sleep in the office. It's the only job in America where I think if you just work nonstop at it, people assume that you're getting better at your job. But not the case for football coaches. They need to keep working. Not enough hours in the day.

Teaching children to drive a stick shift should be a prerequisite of parenting

Teaching your children to swim and teaching them to drive stick should probably be just prerequisites across the board. I tried to teach my son years and years ago when he was still looking out for getting girls... and he wasn't interested.

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

Theo Epstein needs to chill out for following people home to observe them while wearing a hat

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings from plane crashes. He went on to say... 'I just like being anonymous so much that I would follow people home because they didn't know who I was and I could watch them... I could put on a hat and follow them.' Just chill out, man.

SoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers

SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

You don't need to wash apples from a grocery store

I feel like there's a little bit more class in the apple handling department at a grocery store... [Gas station apples] I don't even want to touch the key to get into the bathroom to use the sink... I don't wash [grocery store apples].

Executive platinum members should be allowed to board planes before everyone else, including the troops

As courtesy to your legion of exec platinum members, please let them board after first class instead of with the herd. ... If it's a journalist, fire off a few tweets, start that new column... While you're in that seat, you can make use of that time.

Charitable foundations are the best PR tool for shielding coaches from social media scandals

If you are trying to get out of your Twitter problems, either have the foundation... and just tweet from that. ... Foundations have never done anything wrong.

Arian Foster's groin injury is a result of kneeling for the national anthem

Couldn't help but notice that Arian Foster kneeled for the national anthem... and he injured his groin severely today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just saying. It's kind of interesting. Little God. I mean, God is American.

Jeff Fisher only keeps his job because he looks like a 'football guy'

Jeff Fisher is the reason why people judge books by their cover. Because Jeff Fisher looks like a football guy. He's got that look. He's got the mustache. He's got that angry... look on his face. So you look at him and you're like, how could we fire this guy?

I'm an 'over' guy for toilet paper orientation

I would say... I'm pretty certain I'm an under guy... [Wait], I switched up. I'm now over. [Because it] reduces the risk of accidentally brushing the wall or cabinet with one's knuckles.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

People who stand and wipe have 'poop in their butt' for life

People who stand and wipe, they do not get a clean wipe, and they end up walking around their entire life with poop in their butt.

I prefer non-alcoholic apple cider to the alcoholic versions

I would prefer, actually, a non-alcoholic cider to an alcoholic cider. I don't like alcoholic ciders... I don't like cider like Red's Apple.

NFL players putting 'Senior' on their jerseys is a 'sex brag'

I've been seeing way too many players out there that are putting senior on the back of their jerseys for one season after they have a kid... It's just blatant sex brags rubbing in your face. I think the NFL should blur it out.

Avocados are overrated; guacamole is great but solo avocados are trash

I just want to take this moment to say avocados are overrated as fuck... Guacamole, great. Avocados on their own, trash.

I blame college football for the poor quality of NFL play

I put the blame squarely on college football. That's how big of a pro football guy I am. It's like they're not ready when they get here. The kids are younger, so they grew up in [Roger] Goodell's head injury-less system. And so now they get into the NFL, and they don't know how to – they can't get tackled.

NFL parity is just a myth for everyone being bad

They have convinced us that the NFL has extreme parity when in reality it's just everyone sucks. So you can make the playoffs because everyone sucks except for maybe five teams, four teams.

I support all protests except kneeling on 9/11

I have no problem with anybody protesting. I have no problem with what the guys on the Patriots did. And, you know, raising a fist on 9-11. I specifically was talking about kneeling on 9-11. I specifically was talking about that... And then Arian Foster said, he has a right to protest and you have a right to protest my protest.

An hour and 45 minute wait for pizza is rude and unacceptable

You got to be fucking batshit crazy. If you're from anywhere to wait for anything for an hour and 45 minutes... I don't care what's in there. An hour and 45 minutes is rude for anything. I'm not going to an NSYNC concert. I want a slice of pizza.

Roger Goodell allowing custom shoes is just a 'cool boss' trick to distract from bad leadership

The NFL is putting week 13... they're going to let the players wear whatever shoes they want. It's basically the purge for shoes. Or it's like if you have the world's worst boss, what they like to do is like a little treat... you're going to get to wear jeans on Friday.

Dark mustard is superior to yellow mustard in every single situation

I don't think there is any situation that yellow mustard is better than dark mustard... Why, under what circumstance would you say? No, no, hold the dark. I'll take the yellow.

Baseball was officially neutered when Rich Hill was pulled from a perfect game

September 10th, 2016, the day baseball was officially neutered. RIP... He was pulled during a perfect game because he had 'heat on his finger,' which is a sign of blisters... the point of baseball is to pitch perfect games, not to keep people healthy.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

The NFL books terrible pregame bands like OneRepublic on purpose to show power over the audience

I think the NFL does that on purpose. They always have the world's shittiest band opening up for the season... They do it on purpose just to say, like, fuck you, you're going to watch. We could wheel out Ozzy Osbourne while he's in a coma, and you would still tune in and watch.