Takes

Pardon My Take is more professional than Scott Van Pelt's show

[PMT is more professional]... A lot. I always did that [SVP's] show on my cell phone.

Every NCAA tournament team besides the 16 seeds is 'dangerous' and can 'make some noise'

The tourney is like I looked at the whole bracket besides the 16 seeds. Every team is dangerous. Every team you don't want to play. Every team can make some noise, which we will get into later. I have a list of all the make some noise teams.

Cincinnati is always a 'dangerous' team because their coach Bob Huggins might stab you

I think danger in general is you want to be the dangerous team... It implies that like they could either beat you in basketball or maybe stab you... Any Bob Huggins team is going to be dangerous.

A number one seed only 'makes noise' if they reach the Final Four

If you're a number one seed, you've got to get to the Final Four. I think that would be the only noise that you could make.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.

The NFL Draft is essentially just kidnapping players for the benefit of the Cleveland Browns

The only reason [the Browns] can get players to play on their team is by essentially tricking them to join the team via the draft. That's pretty much – the draft is kidnapping players, if we're going to be honest with themselves.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.

The band 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time

In honor of 311, I'm going to talk about overrated bands. And number one on my list is the band 311. ... 311 is the band that your friend in middle school that started smoking weed before everybody got really into. ... The fact is that 311 just sucks. And they have maybe one or two songs that I will not change the radio station to. But overall, I would say that 311 is, even when you're high, 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time.

Oasis is an overrated band because they were just confusing the marketplace by ripping off the Beatles

My one overrated band, I'm going with Oasis because I honestly – you want to talk about copyright infringement? I thought Oasis were the Beatles for a really long time. So I'm saying Oasis. They clearly were trying to rip off the Beatles and make everyone – they were confusing the marketplace. And I don't appreciate that.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum

This is going to be called a hot take. But Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum... They kept Sam Bradford as a living reminder to not go back to the Chip Kelly era. So every time they look at him, every time they see him walking to the facility, they're like, oh, boy, we can't go back to that place. That was a dark spot.

Russell Wilson is a media 'goober' who prepares boring, non-interesting answers before his interviews even start.

Basically, [Russell Wilson] wakes up in the morning, and if he's got an interview to do, he decides, I'm not going to tell you anything. Like, you may have questions. He's got answers, but he came up with those answers before he left the house. And he's just not going to say anything interesting at all.

Russell Wilson is the quintessential definition of a 'goober.'

He's the goober. He is the quintessential goober. I've said that from day one, Russell Wilson... he is the definition of a goober.

The better a sports town is, the more likely that place is a terrible place to live

I got to tell you, what I've learned in all those places is how good a town is based on sports is normally measured by how terrible everything else is in that place. The better sports town, the more likely that place is not somewhere you want to inhabit.

Radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

I think that radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.

Johnny Manziel's drug power rankings are: Meth #1, Cocaine #2, Weed #3, and Alcohol in the basement.

Take it back meth Johnny Manziel number one cocaine Johnny Manziel number two and then weed Johnny Manziel number three a distant third and and we all can agree power ranking wise alcoholic Johnny Manziel's in the basement it's dead last.

Mike Ditka is the only person in sports media who can say anything without backlash because people just accept it as 'just Ditka.'

[Mike Ditka] is the last guy who I think in all of media can basically say whatever he wants, and people will be like, oh, yeah, that's just Ditka. He is the last guy who personifies 'sorry not sorry'.

Mike Ditka hates Obamacare more than he hates the Green Bay Packers.

If there's one thing that Ditka hates more than the Packers, it's Obamacare. He absolutely hates Obamacare for some reason. So I'm going to miss his hot takes.

The Washington Redskins are exactly like Nazi Germany because they win the offseason but get bent over once the actual war starts

I would compare the Redskins to Nazi Germany because the Redskins like to win the offseason every year. And Nazi Germany was also very good about taking over countries when there wasn't an actual war going on. And then once the war started, they got bent over by the Russians and the United States. So I would characterize the Washington Redskins as being very Hitler like in their approach to football.

The Green Bay Packers are the Vietnam of the NFL because they only use homegrown talent and no one wants to play there.

My team is the Packers. They are Vietnam. And simply because... all homegrown talent. They don't make a lot of splashy moves. You really don't want to go play there. You're never going to like, you're never like, Oh, I want to go play at Lambeau. I want to go play, you know, have a war in Vietnam.

The New England Patriots are the Russia of the NFL because of the spying and the 'Cold War.'

Russia and the Patriots, right? It's a natural fit. It's the cold war. They're spying on us. Patriots, Spygate, it's a perfect melange of the two. I don't think that you can find actually a better fit than that.

If you can get your point across without spelling correctly, your take is stronger

If you can get your point across without having to spell every word correctly, you know, you've got a damn strong point. Right. If you have to make sure that everything's in its nice little order... is your take really that much worth reading to begin with? If it has to be spelled correctly?

People who practice perfect spelling are trying to hide something

People who practice perfect spelling know that they're trying to hide for [from] something. Exactly. It's overcompensating. It's like a major red flag if I read an article that has, you know, every comment in the exact right place and the grammar's impeccable.

Comment sections deliver the most pure and unfiltered takes on the internet

That's why comment sections usually deliver the most unfiltered Correct takes. It's because like you're in a race to get your takeout before somebody beats you on it. So like, you can't be bothered to make sure that it's a hundred percent factually correct... this is just like brain to internet. Like there's no filter.

Kornheiser and Wilbon use the 5th minute of PTI as a crutch; we are better journalists than they are

I think what we're planning on doing what, four good minutes, not five good minutes. Kornheiser and Wilbon maybe use that extra minute as a crutch. It is a crutch. Yeah. No, we're much better interviewers and journalists than they are.

Michael Jordan is the worst-dressed rich person in the world

I would say [Jordan] is probably the worst dresser, worst rich dresser in the world... He's worn cargo jeans before. Yeah. That cargo jeans are like, if you're not a Juggalo, you shouldn't be wearing cargo jeans.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.

Society needs to remove the stigma from adults accidentally shitting their pants

At least I'm talking about it. I'm being open and honest about it. Like, let's get rid of the stigma that goes along with shitting yourself. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. And so I'm fine with it.

Chris Jones' combine wardrobe malfunction was an all-time bad moment for white guys

Chris Jones at the combine, his [package] flop out at the end of his 40 run, which by the way... that was an all time bad moment for white guys because we were like, is that guy like, is he hard or something? That's not only his at rest perspective.

Serge Ibaka being well-endowed is a known fact confirmed by rumors

[Serge Ibaka]... Everyone knows [he's] got a big dick. That's just a fact from a rumor.

A combine wardrobe malfunction is the best way to let the world know you're well-endowed

It's rare that you can get it out there in a non-bragging way... This, when you actually think about it, this is probably the best possible way to let the whole world know, like, hey, I'm about to become an NFL player, make millions of dollars, and oh yeah, did you see [that]?

The Pope should leave science to people who don't feel global warming

Lord, please tell the Pope that he needs to leave the science to all of us who don't feel the effects of global warming.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should go back to make Hitler comparisons earlier

Maybe instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should figure out a way to make people go back in time so that we can be able to make comparisons to Hitler before Hitler rises to power. And a lot of people don't think about that type of thing, but I do.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys — all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

NFL players should get 'chubbed up' in the locker room to send a message of dominance to the rest of the league

I think it's almost like you got your inspiration from that one scene in Any Given Sunday when you've got the guy in the background in the shower and you can tell he's chubbed up a little bit because he knows that the camera's going to be. That's what you guys need to do, just to send a strong message to the rest of the AFC that you guys are for serious now.

Offensive linemen would be more effective if they were 5'8" because of the pad level advantage

I think I might be a little bit better if I were to be 5'8". That way you can really get underneath guys and really drive them out of the hole. 6'5 is sometimes a disadvantage... it's a liability sometimes.

Andy Dalton is 'no doubt' an elite quarterback

I definitely – [Dalton] is no doubt elite. I don't think it's much of a question about Joe Flacco being elite, but he is definitely an elite quarterback.

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.