Takes

Serious golf guys who travel to Scotland won't cheat on their wives, but business golf guys will

What from you from your perspective... the business golf guys will [cheat]. The like I'm just going to play a few rounds here and there, that guy will cheat on you. The I want to go to Scotland and all I want to do is play golf at one golf... that's his form of cheating on me.

Rob Manfred has been a total debacle in handling MLB's return

Rob Manfred being like I'm gonna threaten you guys if you don't start following the rules, we're going to cancel the league... he just has to be Rob Manfred has to go to bed every single night... he pulls out his Roger Goodell voodoo doll and starts poking it with pins being like, please fuck this up Goodell, please fuck this up because if you fuck this up, no one will give a shit.

Alex Caruso has become 'overratedly underrated'

He has become, I wrote this down when I was watching the game, he started out being underrated but then he was so underrated that he became overrated but now it's swung back and now he's like overratedly underrated. So now he's underrated again.

August is the 'Sunday of Summer'

My real who's back to the week is Seasons. Yeah dude, it's August. Yeah... August for me is always like oh, it's Sunday. Oh because back to school. Yeah, you're still in the mode where like I go to the department store with your mom and you see backpacks on sale.

Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen intentionally leaked that Yoenis Cespedes was missing to spite him

He knew that Cespedes packed up his shit and left because he was opting out but he used to be Cespedes's Agent and so he's pissed that Yoenis ended up signing with Roc Nation. And so now he's like feeding all this shit into the media... first thought if somebody just ditches the Mets you don't immediately suspect that they're dead.

The movements in the new Madden are too jerky and unrealistic

The new Madden sucks... the movements my eyes cannot understand the movements. They are all herky-jerky. I don't understand how the players move in that game. It's too hard to play because the kids grow up playing those games that have higher frame rates... these games have gotten too realistic. Give me some glitches. Give me some weird shit.

Everything is an ingredient and every meal needs beer

Billy has three rules as a cook. Rule number one is they're all ingredients. That's his saying when you say Billy what the fuck are you doing right now that smells and looks terribly says they're all ingredients. Dude. Number two is let the meat talk. So that means just don't put any seasoning on any meat just Talk and number three is every meal cooked needs beer. So that Billy can drink it.

Patrick Mahomes should be number one on the NFL Top 100

I like Aaron Donald's the guy that you put ahead of Patrick Mahomes to remind everybody that you watch football. They watch the tapes like well Aaron Donald's really the best player. Yeah, which he's awesome. Don't get me wrong, but I don't And then Russell Wilson also very good player, but come on Patrick Mahomes is coming out. Like what more does a guy need to do? Nothing? He's our number-one.

NFL players get faster after a few years in the league because it becomes their full-time job

I all I said is I would say I said that guy's the NFL run faster couple years in because they know what to do with their body and their it's a job now, so it's not like, you know, you can't go to the gym at certain times or you know, you have classes. It's a full-time job in the offseason. You were paying someone to help train you and all that stuff.

As an NFL rookie, you should shut the fuck up and lay low

Shut the fuck up and lay low was the first test... No one really knows who the fuck you are... no one likes when rookies come in with some type of running their mouth at all talking too much... don't speak unless spoken to.

Aliens come from the center of the Earth, not outer space

Honestly, there's aliens of courting the government but I don't think the aliens come from outer space. I actually think that they come from within the center of the Earth... they are beings at the center of the earth that are coming to the surface.

I am the Mount Rushmore of swag

You have probably the most swag of any athlete ever it something truly Mount Rushmore, right? [Deion]: That is true. Yes. I'm not no. I'm not in the Mount Rushmore. I am the Mount Rushmore. You personify swag.

Peeing outside is better than using a public restroom

I get up I'm going to cut your first of all I see look IPS that everywhere I go out Piazza like all my outside Pier. I love the freedom. I love the air love the breeze. Oh every day I get up at night and go outside just to Peak.

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Dr. Fauci's first pitch was almost good because of how terrible it was

I actually think first pitches either be terrible or be incredible. I don't think Dr. Fauci had incredible in him. Might as well just go terrible. It was almost good how bad it was.

I would be more concerned about the COVID-19 response if Dr. Fauci threw a 90mph strike

It would actually be concerning to me if Dr. Fauci went out there and grooved one like 90 miles an hour right down the pipe. That would be like, I don't know if I want this guy leading my response to infectious disease.

I must have at least three Cleveland Browns players on my fantasy team every season

I only draft Browns players on my team... It's just because last the last time I won fantasy football, I had Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson as a one-two punch... So now I have to have that a minimum three Browns on my fantasy football team every season and I have not won since that season.

I refuse to draft DeAndre Hopkins because I can't watch Texans games

I have weird teams that I can't watch. I don't know what it is about the Texans that annoy me so I could never draft DeAndre Hopkins, even if I had a top five pick.

The 'Law of Attraction' is real and explains how I married Rebecca Romijn

I'm married to a former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Covergirl Rebecca Romijn... I have no right. I have no money. I have no real status in society... I did thumb through [The Secret] and I found it to be very very helpful. I carried around a picture [of her]... and it'll be like a law of attraction.

I actually like the numbers on the helmets for the Washington Football Team

I actually like the helmets. I like numbers on a helmet. People are like, oh man, that's a college thing. Yes, it is. But why not have one team in the NFL have it? Kind of cool.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

Bryson DeChambeau is the number one baby back bitch in sports

[Bryson DeChambeau] is now the number one triple B in the sports world... I think he's baby back bitch of the year. The fact that he now has his caddy blocking camera guys too.

Getting engaged during your senior year of college is a terrible decision

Trevor Lawrence got engaged... say nothing about being like a future NFL superstar, but just getting engaged when you're a senior in college is dumb as shit.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

Teams fail in the NFL Draft because they prioritize physical attributes over character and heart

Because it's impossible not to take the pretty girl... when you get a guy who's 6'6" and runs four or five... and they put together a 10 highlight package... and yet that's not what football is. Football is a grind... It takes people who... have that kind of heart that even when they're a mess... they're still going to slam their head into that brick wall.

Elite tight ends like George Kittle and Rob Gronkowski are worth more than elite wide receivers

I think you can make the argument that a great tight end, like a Gronkowski or like Greg Kittle is what we call him, if you're that good at that position, I think you're more... you're worth more to your team than like an elite wide receiver.

Media members who hyped the Redskins report to boost their own social cloud are douchebags

The media part pisses me off to no end because anyone who said out loud, there's a big report coming just to flex their own muscles and boost their own fucking social cloud and say, I know something you don't know... you're a douchebag because you basically made it about that.

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

LeBron James is not currently a top-five player of all time

Is [LeBron James] on a trajectory to jump into the top five of all time? For sure. But with three championships and he's still on that trajectory, he's not there yet, in my opinion... I would have Bill Russell, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain [ahead of him].

The Rockets would have beaten Michael Jordan's Bulls in the mid-90s because the Bulls were too small without Horace Grant

I think the reason they lost to Orlando, even when Michael [Jordan] came back... I just think his team wasn't good enough because Horace [Grant] was in Orlando. So they were small, Shaq killing him inside... If they had Rodman, I'd have been like, I don't know... but without Horace Grant and without Rodman, no, I don't think they would have done it.

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

Mitch Trubisky's 75 rating in Madden 21 is insane

Mitch Trubisky's a 75 in the new Madden. Insane. He was 79 last year. Goddamn.

George Kittle should call himself a quarterback on Twitter to cash in on Mahomes money

George Kittle has said he will go to training camp no matter what... He should just change his position in his Twitter profile... He should just call himself a quarterback. Try to cash in on this Patrick Mahomes money.

USC's standard should be winning National Championships, not just the Pac-12

It's not about the Pac-12. It's about national championships... Our goals is national championships. Um, and we, we can go ahead and take the Pac-12 along the way, but the echelon should be national championships all day, every day.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

ESPN+ is the worst app in the history of the world

My entire thoughts on the evening are fuck ESPN+. It's the worst app in the history of the world. Every time there's a fight, this is what happens every single time. I buy it on my phone. Doesn't work on my phone. I try to login on my computer. Doesn't work on my computer.

Kamaru Usman's foot-stomping strategy should be illegal in UFC

Who's Mondo foot-stomping. I mean that's just—that should be legal. It should be any it's more like just a pride thing dude, like beat someone without stopping their toes... It sucks.

Naming songs after simple objects like 'trucks' or 'margaritas' is a work of genius

You are kind of a genius when it comes to the naming of your songs... My favorite is 'We Rode In Trucks' like, you know what that song's about. The simplicity of it is kind of genius... One Margarita, drink a beer. That one's about beer.

The 'Soup Tube' business idea is an absolute wave of the future

I would pay, I'd probably have like five or six different soup tubes installed in my kitchen right now... Out of the Monday readings we've done, Dave & Buster's guys is number one... Soup Tubes is number two... I would unironically purchase this.

I actually enjoy staying at a Motel 6

I'm not here for the Motel 6 slander, by the way. I enjoy a good Motel 6. You're not getting any frills. I'm more of a Red Roof Inn guy, but I just like hotels. You just go in, you run the hot shower, get that hot water going for 30 minutes at a time.

I could complete a pass in the NFL if given four downs

I think I could complete a pass if it was maybe to Edelman and he takes two steps. It's a wide receiver screen... I'm talking about like a Jet Sweep type thing where the it's just about the timing and you get the ball and you just pop it in front of you.

Mike Tyson would easily beat LeBron James in a boxing match

If it's in his prime, that's the dumbest argument of all time. Mike Tyson would fucking crush LeBron James. I don't care how tall LeBron is. Hand speed, everything. LeBron can't get hit. He would flop out of the ring.

Calcio Storico makes all other sports look lame

I went into this being like 'this might make rugby look bad' and then I went out of it being like it makes every sport look bad because every sport is just lame compared to this. It's just Fight Club with a scoring element. It really does make all other sports just like... hockey guys are going to watch this and be like, 'whoops, we thought we were the tough sport.'

I would give up my left leg from the knee down to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears

I think I'd give up a leg to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears. A full leg, knee down... left leg. You don't need your legs in your 40s. I just couldn't imagine having [him]. Everyone would assume you were a veteran.

Scott Boras effectively runs the MLB players' union

He [Scott Boras] can plead ignorance all he wants... he makes all sorts of ridiculous claims about... it doesn't matter which agency you're actually with, I run the union [MLBPA] anyways, you're going to have to deal with me.

I am a better pitcher than Curt Schilling was through age 28

I find it really fun to just position a position where like you're [Curt Schilling] either worse than me or you have to admit that advanced stuff matters. I'm better than him with certain regular stats at this point in my career through 28 years old.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time. That's it. It's over. If you look at the career that he's put together and how he keeps beating himself. He doesn't have a guy that he's going up head-to-head against he's only competing against his past self and he continues to dominate himself from a year ago.

Joey Chestnut is better than Tiger Woods because he competes against everyone who has ever eaten a hot dog

He is better than Tiger Woods better. I would say better because Tiger Woods only competes against what 200 other people in a golf major right? Joey Chestnut is literally competing against anybody that's ever eating a hot dog.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

If you are a Redskins fan most people that I know are totally on board with the name change just because it's a new fucking page. It's turning the page. They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years.

Tom Brady's move to Tampa Bay is the only reason Rob Gronkowski returned from retirement

I think that the workload the Patriots wanted [Gronk] to do was higher than something at Tampa is going to have him do... if Tom Brady had stuck around in New England Rob Gronkowski probably still be retired.