Takes

Adult males who buy baseball pants should be put on a no-fly list

I think any time somebody buys an adult male buys a pair of baseball pants. They should be put on a no-fly list.

Ben Roethlisberger gets healthier the more he gets injured

I think he gets healthier the more he gets injured if that makes sense because he had some spunk in his step. He was very demonstrative. He was like jogging back and forth. I like big been injured on the sidelines better than I like him in a game.

Shaquille O'Neal won the diss track battle against Damian Lillard

The problem was that Shaq's diss track went harder and Shaq has the power of Inside the NBA... lyrical M3 time Finals MVP MVP candidate. You are not one.

Storytelling is more important than stunts in a wrestling match

The story is what gets people... the perfect match to me is something that just builds throughout and you're engaged in the whole time and by the end of it, you're almost like emotionally drained. If the story is garbage. All those other things don't mean anything.

Kirk Cousins is a beta for apologizing to Adam Thielen

Our long National nightmare is over. Yes Kirk Cousins apologize to Adam thielen for not throwing the ball more deep on Sunday... so such a beta so so virgin Kirk Cousins Chad Adam thielen.

The Florida Panthers are the most irrelevant franchise in the history of sports

Could you think of a more like a more forgettable franchise. Whoa. I don't think so... Florida Panthers of the most irrelevant get your charade rise in the history of sports have to be.

You cannot win with a kicker named Zane

You can't win with a kicker named Zane... Zane does sound like a guy that rides like a go-ped and sells weed to surfers... has frosted tips... probably has a pacifier in his mouth because he's just so high on Molly all the time.

The University of Virginia will never win a big game in their 'candy-ass' orange uniforms

UVA can't win a big game... Candy-ass... UVA can't win a big game. Okay D'ass that orange that that it's candy-ass... They will never win a big game. I have said it and so it hath been said.

Aaron Rodgers gets 'too cool' in the red zone

As Skip Bayless said, Aaron Rodgers gets too cool in the red zone.

Ranking Steph Curry over Kobe Bryant all-time is crazy

Bleacher Report came out with their top 50 all-time NBA players and Kobe was 14, Steph Curry is 10... They're mad. They're real mad. They're big mad.

The fullback should be in the Hall of Fame as a position

I think there should be a fullback in the Hall of Fame. I think if you look at Moose Johnson, you look at guys like Sam Gash, you look at, you know, even Corey Schlesinger... I look at it and I'm just like, I just think that there has been, they let red guy, you let punters and stuff in. It should be a fullback, should be in the Hall of Fame.

Dan Snyder must be removed as owner of the Redskins

The nepotism, the racial slurs, the incompetent one-sided negotiations, the the awful trade deals that were getting ourselves into... it's time that we remove Dan Snyder. It's time we get his ass out of the nation's capital.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

Michael Vick is not the moral authority to criticize Cam Newton's fashion

Michael Vick saying how dare you sir to Cam Newton wearing ridiculous postgame outfits... so strong words from the moral authority of quarterback play. Stay stick to just playing football don't do anything outside of football like wearing ridiculous outfits or murdering dogs.

John Elway is an idiot who is ruining his legacy as the Broncos GM.

John Elway is an idiot. John Elway is a smooth idiot. If you're Broncos fan, tweet us your real thoughts about John Elway at this point. Is he at the point where he has soured your memories of John Elway?... You win two Super Bowls, but dude, you stink.

Frank Gore's longevity at 36 is more impressive than Tom Brady's.

Frank Gore, he's 36 years old. He's never going to stop... This would be a take: Frank Gore and his age is more impressive than Tom Brady and his age... a running back shouldn't be playing at 36.

Daniel Jones is electric and is a live version of Eli Manning.

Daniel Jones, electric. Daniel Jones is electric... The difference between Daniel Jones and Eli Manning was so fucking apparent... Daniel Jones, he looks like the difference between an alive person and a dead person.

Anyone named 'Chase' is limited to being an SEC quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or an American Ninja Warrior course builder.

We realized that if your name is Chase... it's essentially SEC quarterback, NASCAR driver, and American Ninja Warrior course builder. That's it. That's it. Could you imagine being like, 'here's my doctor, his name is Chase'?

If you live in the South, you must cancel your wedding if it is scheduled for November 9th.

PSA. If you're getting married on November 9th, and you live anywhere below, let's say Kentucky. You need to cancel your wedding right now. Because your wedding will be cursed.

NFL teams should run significantly less on first down

They should not be running as much on first down. They need to be passing the ball more. The floor on completion percentage has risen tremendously. So it's a lot more efficient to throw the football and you're not having as many of those risks that coaches get scared about.

Running the ball on 2nd and 10 is the worst thing a coach can do

They opt to run the ball on second and 10, which is the worst thing that you could do on second down because you're very unlikely to have a successful gain and you might as well just pass twice to try to convert that first down as opposed to run then pass.

Jared Goff's performance is almost entirely tied to Sean McVay's play-calling

I personally didn't think Jared Goff was worth that contract because I thought so much of what he was doing, his performance, was tied to his head coach... Sean McVay is so great [at] projecting fourth Jared Goff to become better.

The Jaguars would be crazy to trade Jalen Ramsey

I think the Jaguars would be crazy to trade him. Crazy. I mean, he's really, really good. Really, really good.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

The Spurs intentionally turned off the AC during Game 1 of the 2014 NBA Finals

[Big Cat]: Do you think the Spurs intentionally turned off the AC in that final? [Bosh]: Absolutely. Of course. That's like Red Auerbach was known. If you're in Boston, the fire things that come off or whatever... I mean, he never denied it, right? But yeah, if I'm them, I'm trying to win.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

Thursday Night Football is always good regardless of the game quality

Everyone who says Thursday night football sucks fuck you. It's football. It happens every single year. They're like this is Thursday night football this is atrocious you really want to watch this oh yes i do i want to watch it every thursday if there was not thursday night football i'd have nothing to look forward to on thursday this is thursday night football i don't care if it's bad i really don't i just want to watch football

Washington State's mascot Butch T. Cougar beats an elephant in a fight if it's a guy in a costume

Well, if they get a real elephant, we're in trouble. If it's a real genuine elephant, we're in trouble. Can't say I've seen the elephant mascot [Alabama], or at least I don't recall. But if it's a guy in a costume, I'm going to go with the elusiveness of Butch.

Butch T. Cougar beats the Notre Dame Leprechaun unless the Leprechaun is actually magic

That leprechaun better actually be magic because otherwise I'm going to go with Butch.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

The NFL moving the Raiders out of Oakland is absolute bullshit

What the NFL is doing to the Raiders is absolute bullshit. I'm going to miss Oakland fans so, so much. Watching the black hole... the Raiders fans... just every single shot, every single camera shot to the crowd is art. It really is.

Each NFL team should be allowed one legal body slam per game

DeAndre Hopkins doesn't get enough credit for one of the coolest nicknames... Nuke. So when he body slammed the defender, which I believe that each team should get one body slam a game, just like you get one body slam, we get one body slam.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

The '69' joke is starting to fade away

I was actually just talking about that on the ride here... me and Goon were driving up, and we were like, yo, 69? Isn't that – it's kind of like in the past... 69 jokes kind of faded away, which they kind of have. I totally 100% agree.

Tom Brady has a 'special power' that tells him who will be open on every play

I feel like Tom has like this special power and he like he like knows who's going to be open that play... just from all the practice, just from reading the guys being around them... that's what makes him so special and that's why he can get anyone open because he knows exactly where they're going to be.

The key to Kirk Cousins' success is not letting him play quarterback

They figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback. He only threw 10 passes. Less is more with him... Actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback.

The Cowboys shouldn't sign Dak Prescott to an extension right now while he's playing for a contract

Dak Prescott's going to make a shitload of money. And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract.

MLB general managers should be fired if they ever miss the playoffs

If you're not going to make the playoffs... you're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs. If you can't make it... you've got to go. If you ever miss the playoffs, you should be fired.

Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame for the Antonio Brown situation

I have a take on this no one to blame. But Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame Mike Mayock you brought this headcase in Antonio Brown has proven time and time again that he's a dickhead. He has done nothing to disprove that. ... When he comes and he does exactly what you expected him to do. You cannot be surprised.

Tony Romo would be a Hall of Famer if he had won one championship

I feel like Tony Romo was a guy [that] if he had his Peak was gonna hit one Championship. [He'd] been [in the Hall of Fame]. Yeah. I probably agree.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis over Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal

I hate to say this but Novak's got to into slams in 2019. Federer has none. So he's better right now... he is the goat. All right, and he beat him in Wimbledon. No big deal.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis

He [Djokovic] also probably wanted to let Nadal and Federer and Wawrinka can play each other. One of you idiots can win while the GOAT rests up his shoulder.

Comedy specials should be canceled because they require too much of a social stance

I want to cancel comedy specials. Because I'm sick of people telling me, I haven't seen the Chappelle special, but I know I'm not supposed to like it or I am supposed to. I just want to watch a comedy special and laugh, but now it's become something that I have to have a very strong opinion about.

The NCAA intentionally picks unjust transfer stories to distract from their multi-billion dollar business

I actually think the NCAA depicts these stories specifically they're like, we need to find a way where everyone would think our ruling is completely unjust and bullshit rule that way. So everyone talks about that and not the fact that we make billions of dollars and you know, like extort everyone and and and basically run a entire corporation that is bullshit.

Women are naturally designed to be football kickers

I think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish them. Sure when you kick true... They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it. Let her kick Let her kick why not her.

The 'Seven-Year Bump' for NFL quarterbacks is real

Somebody actually put the stats together out there... they found out that nineteen out of twenty two quarterbacks entering year 7 had a better touchdown per attempt percentage... everyone except for Jay Cutler had a better completion percentage... Basically the seven-year bump is real.

Chick-fil-A would beat Popeyes if they released an extra spicy chicken sandwich

Develop an extra spicy chicken sandwich. If you go to market with extra spicy, that'll take all the buzz off Popeyes.