Takes

The 'Underground Talent Railroad' transfer strategy is a genius college football idea

Let's create a network where we're all transparent with each other every fifth year. Each one of us can take its turn having the A team... PIT gets to have the 22 best players between the five programs... I don't hate it. I love it. I actually don't hate it at all. I love it.

Jimmy Butler is an absolute locker room cancer

I mean he's old and he's proven himself time and time again to just be an absolute locker room cancer can't even win.

The Warriors should have just resigned Klay Thompson and stayed old together

I don't even think like, this is why this revisionist history just fucking should have just resigned Klay and just gotten like, you have to pick a lane. Like just maybe just get old together. And just be like, all right. It was fun, but everyone got to stay together... if you know you're not gonna win again, just go nostalgia.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

Novak Djokovic is the undisputed GOAT of tennis

Carlos Alcaraz... he got fucking worked by Kovich the goat. Djokovic is 37 years old and I thought, big bad Carlos Alcaraz, no one can beat this guy. Not so fast.

Ultimate Dick Kicking is a better combat sport than Power Slap

We got a new combat sport that we have to start paying attention to guys, it's better than Power Slap. It's better than arm wrestling. It's the ultimate dick kicking championship. Two guys just stand across from each other and kick each other in the dicks until one guy gives up.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.

I love the NBA Cup courts and the point differential incentive

I am a full NBA cup guy... The courts I love. I like something different. I also love the fact, and this is probably because I like to gamble on overs that teams are playing for point differential. That makes it fun.

Wedding guests should give a minimum of $100 — paying for your meal and drinks is the baseline

A hundred bucks is the minimum you give at a wedding. You gotta pay for your meal and the drinks. That's kind of what you do. $10 is — I would fucking send that back to the person.

The NBA Slam Dunk Contest should be replaced by a Layup Contest

I think they should do a layup contest instead of slam dunk contest. [Ja Morant's 360 layup] was sick... I thought to myself like, with enough practice I could possibly do that. Also not true. But it still made me think.

Minnesota has the coolest collection of athletes of the last 20 years

Minnesota Sports because they recreated the old Randy Moss KG picture with Anthony Edwards and Justin Jefferson. And I know Minnesota sports are sad state, don't win things, but they might have like the coolest collection of athletes in the last 20 years, like compared to anyone else. They had KG, they had Randy Moss, they have Anthony Edwards, they have Justin Jefferson. They had Joe Mauer.

The Ryder Cup pricing is a mistake that ruins home field advantage

People are very upset about the prices for the upcoming Ryder Cup. Next summer at Bethpage... it's $750 for a day. Normally I would say golf fans probably have expendable money... but this is such a fuck you and a mistake to trying to get a home field advantage. If you price out rowdy New Yorkers who want to go to the Ryder Cup and scream heinous shit at all the Europeans, you've completely ruined this.

Bob Costas is horrible at broadcasting baseball and should stop

Bob Costas... He just sounded, he's broadcasting the Yankees-Royals series and he sounds horrible... He has all the money. He doesn't need to do it. I don't get why he chooses to do it.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

The Celtics are attacking the next title rather than defending the old one

Joe Mazzulla, Celtics coach, was doing an interview and they asked him about how he feels about defending the title and he basically just took down the term forever. He said the phrase 'defending a title' is a very passive-aggressive term. If you look at the animal kingdom, some of the strongest animals don't defend—they're the most aggressive and they attack the most. So we're attacking the title.

Kristin Cavallari is lying about having the best sex of her life

Kristin Cavallari said that her boyfriend, Mark Estes, Montana boy, who's 13 years younger than her, she's having the best sex she's ever had. It is, but it's also if you have to publicly say you're having the best sex you ever had, you're lying. The minute you say you have the best sex ever, everyone's like, dude, that's a lie.

Boeing should be on a hotter seat

Boeing explodes during maintenance at an Atlanta airport killing two Delta employees. I feel like they should be on a hotter seat. I wish I knew if I was flying on a Boeing or not... allegesly. But don't kill me.

Jannik Sinner's steroid excuse about a trainer's massage is complete bullshit

The explanation is his trainer... accidentally sliced his thumb. And then used one of those new skin type sprays on his cut... and then later on in the day, gave Sinner a full body massage. And that's how the chemical got onto Sinner's body. If an agency is named [the International Tennis Integrity Agency], it's explicitly corny. There's no better mark that that agency is completely full of shit.

The first few weeks of college are the best time of your life and you should embrace it

Every year, no matter what, it's these last two weeks of August when I see kids going back to college, I'm like, fuck. That was, that's it. It is the fastest four years of your life. So just embrace it and like close your eyes and live in the moment. September is such a joke in college. You don't go to any of your classes. You don't have to worry about anything.

Brian Flores is a 'terrible person' for how he treated Tua Tagovailoa

[Tua] went on Le Batard show and basically said that Brian Flores was doing mental torture on him. And he said, if you woke up every morning and I told you that you suck at what you did... Brian Flores actually came out and said like, 'I've evolved and yeah, I kind of fucked that up.' [PFT says Tua said he was a terrible person]... It sounds like Tua is to Brian Flores as Big Cat is to the chat.

Matt Kucher is a douchebag for refusing to finish his round on Sunday

Matt Kucher. What a dish. Dickhead. What a douchebag... picks up his ball and leaves and says it's too dark. And came back on Monday to finish half a hole. When everyone else had finished... Douchebag move by him.

Lauri Markkanen is not worth $200 million

They just gave Lauri Markkanen a five year, 200 plus million dollar contract... He's not worth that much money. I'd pay him 35 [million].

Donald Trump is an impressive golfer for his age

Stick to sports. But he is a very good golfer. He did the video with Bryson [DeChambeau] and he, he was impressive... with like if you or I or PFT was playing with Bryson. It's doubtful that we would be have his... he shot two solo birdies and a solo eagle.

LeBron James only brought Bronny into the NBA to bolster his GOAT case against Michael Jordan

Some people could argue that LeBron, when he realized that he wasn't going to win six titles and match MJ, he's like, 'what else can I try to get that will, they'll say in my GOAT conversation' and having Bronny—playing with Bronny—will be there. MJ's son never played in the league.

Human beings just become worms after they die

I think what happens after you die is you get eaten by worms. We all just become worms.

One bagel is never satisfying; a backup bagel is essential for breakfast

One and a half bagels is usually the perfect amount... One bagel is never fully satisfying. A backup bagel is the most important. What about bacon, egg and cheese. Great. You need to finish it off with something. Keep it off with a bagel.

The USMNT might just suck at soccer regardless of the coaching

Now I agree that Greg Berhalter should be fired... is there a chance we just suck at soccer? I feel like everyone just tells us that this is the best players that we've ever had. And yet if you look at it, it's like 20 years ago or 30 years ago, we accomplished way more.

The July 4th holiday is ruined by Joey Chestnut's absence from the Nathan's hot dog contest

America's on the Hot Seat because it just dawned on me again that Joey Chestnut's not competing. That fucking sucks. One of the things that makes it the best holidays is just not gonna be there. And I think we all just need to be like ready for it because it's gonna suck beyond belief.

Jason Tatum has no 'aura'

I have no aura. Perfect. Exa—great. Find it. That's, I have no aura... If you see it, you can tell, you can use, you don't have to know the definition... KG has a shit load... [Tatum] has no aura. No. Like Big Cat doesn't even, literally doesn't know what the definition of or is. He just knows... you can tell.

Three beers is the perfect amount for playing a round of golf

Drank three beers and then the round ended and he ended up in a playoff and won the playoff... he was like, three beers are gonna make me play perfect. Like yes. It's the perfect amount. It is... for the people that say like, I need, you know, you hit a bad shot or you have a couple bad holes. You're like, I need to drink three beers.

JJ Redick used his podcast with LeBron James as a 4-month job interview for the Lakers

He used podcasting... it's a stepping stone job... LeBron, you can have conversations with people and be like, I think this guy would be a good coach... just say what it was. Yeah. We decided, we realized that podcasting is the greatest loophole ever. And we did a podcast about the philosophies of basketball... I was essentially interviewing him for the job and then we hired him.

The MLB playoffs are stupid because too many bad teams are alive for the wild card

The Major League baseball completely fucked up the playoffs with this wild card. It's so stupid because now everyone's alive... I don't like that they did this in the NBA either. I think that there should be a rule where if you're beneath 500, you shouldn't even be listed in the wild card possibilities.

Ippei Mizuhara is the greatest Fall Guy Hall of Famer of all time

Ippei is came out and he's guilty or he's admitted guilt... If he is a fall guy, I think he is the best fall guy of all time. Ever. Fall Guy Hall of Fame.

The French Open court conditions were to blame for Novak Djokovic's meniscus injury

He blamed the court surface because of the rain. He asked them to wipe it multiple times and they did not approve... could this injury have been prevented? Possibly if there was just a little bit more frequent care of the court.

Draymond Green is 'going out sad' and only complaining because his career is ending

I think Draymond Green knows it's over and he's going out really sad, just complaining. He's made $177 million... for him to say that the fines are the big problem... I think there might be a small part of him when he goes to bed at night, he's like, did I call Steph like a couple rings? And it's over. He's grasping at whatever he can to try to keep it going.

Never have Bryce Harper help you with a promposal because he is too attractive

You don't wanna stand next to somebody way more attractive than you when asking such an important question... mission accomplished, but now did she say yes just because she wanted to give Bryce Harper a hug?

Caleb Williams lost all his swag the minute he put on a Bears uniform

The minute Caleb Williams put on the Bears uniform and they had him running around as a quarterback, he lost all his swag. He's gotta figure out how to overcome the Bears quarterback uniform. People were tweeting about it like 'this guy's got no swag anymore.' I kind of agree.

Snake is the greatest video game ever created

Snake was the greatest game ever created. Brick Breaker, probably a year of my career. My former career was Brick Breaker, just trying to beat it.

The NFL's electronic first down measurement system is bad for the sport because it removes human anticipation

This is bad. And here's why. The chain and the stick is awesome. It gives you another play. It's a free play that you get... the anticipation. That's another stop of them running out... That's what we love about football is the weird shit. If we were starting football from scratch right now, there's no chance in hell there would be three old guys with sticks.

Bronny James is in a terrible spot and I feel bad for him

My Hot Seat is Bronny James... I feel bad for him. Like I, I he's he's in a terrible spot. I agree. He's in a terrible spot. He is at the combine this week. People are debating whether he should even be at the combine.

Bronny James would not be drafted or at the combine if his name wasn't Bronny James

I do agree with you because it's just a simple question. Would Bronny James be at the combine and be drafted if his name wasn't Bronny James? The answer's no.

Miami Heat culture is in absolute shambles

Heat culture absolute shambles. Pat Riley did a press conference... asked about Jimmy Butler trolling when he wasn't playing and he said, if you're not on the court playing, you should keep your mouth shut.

Mike Tyson could be 90 years old and still knock someone out.

I'm pumped up. 'cause I think everybody that is, most people that are paying attention to this would just like to see another Mike Tyson knockout. Yes. Just bring us back to the glory days. Yes. And he could be 90 years old and I would still believe that he'd be able to knock somebody out.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to help the Chiefs win championships.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%. And if she, if she was a true Chiefs fan, she would be like, 'Hey Travis, take the league minimum and let's go win another championship.' Rings... it sounds like she's only about her personal engagement ring, not a Super Bowl ring.

The Broncos released bad jerseys to distract fans from the Zach Wilson trade

They actually are really smart with what they did because they released Bad Jerseys and then they traded for Zach Wilson all on the same day. And you don't know which one to be mad at. They just split the vote. Like that was so smart of them to do those in basically a matter of hours with each other where they're like, which one you want to choose?

I will no longer praise the food at Guaranteed Rate Field because Jerry Reinsdorf is a bad owner

I'm no longer gonna say that [the food is good] because that's what Jerry Reinsdorf wants you to say... It doesn't matter what happens on the field. We got great food, we got great beer... I can no longer say that I'm gonna stand with White Sox fans. I will no longer plug the fact that going to a game there is actually fun.

The solar eclipse was overrated

So my Hot Seat is us. We're still in the third dimension. I was kind of looking forward to it. So that was, it was gonna be cool throne, but I kind of was hoping we were in the hot fourth dimension. So, well, eclipse sucked, overrated eclipse.

The Masters app is the greatest piece of technology ever invented

My cool Throne is the Masters app... I redownload the Master's app. Have to, it's a tradition unlike any other. And when you log into the, the first time, it just feels, it's such a great way to come down from the NCAA tournament being over... the greatest piece of technology ever invented. Yep. And you open it up and you're like, everything's going to be okay. 'Cause the Masters app's here and it's comforting and it's perfect.

Russell Westbrook looks foolish for arguing with a fan in a balloon hat

Never get in a fight with someone who has nothing to lose. Yeah. That guy has zero to lose in life. He's a diehard Hornets fan in a balloon hat... Russell Westbrook looks like a much bigger fool than the balloon hat guy.

I am officially over no-hitters

I'm so over no hitters. Remember when no hitters used to be like you, they'd even go to bonus coverage... I became over no hitters at right at opening Day 2023.