Takes

Week 3 is the week we officially find out which NFL teams are frauds

There's a lot of frauds. And week three is who we find out. That's when we know who the frauds are.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes'

A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... I think you mean pipes are pipes. ... I don't think I did anything wrong. ... [PFT tells story of pissing in the kitchen sink].

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

I hate Ohio State

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? ... I hate Ohio State.

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Winning a championship is about the full season, not one game

As we learned tonight when they raised the championship banner, their fifth one, winning a championship is about the season. It's not about one game. It's about a full season, the playoffs.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

Millennials have ruined the tradition of cheating in baseball

Millennials have ruined cheating in baseball. That's what I'm taking out of the story.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Donald Trump has slept with over 3,000 women

Donald Trump is banging 15 to 20 women a week... in his 20s and 30s, he had as many women as Hugh Hefner... I put the overrun with 3,000 women. He's fucked. No issue about it. And I'd say I'd go over.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback

Joe Flacco... he does not stink. I think he's amazing. I put him as elite. You give him the right team, he wins the Super Bowl. He won the Super Bowl.

NFL players should lose their Twitter checkmark if they get cut

They cut him before it was over, but he gets to keep the jersey picture, but I say that you should lose your checkmark. The NFL's a checkmark league.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

Avoid betting on big favorites early in the college football and NFL seasons

Stay away from the big favorites. Either take the points or don't bet the game... Don't buy all the hype about the big favorites all the time.

Brock Osweiler being benched is a win because it keeps him off the Browns jersey of failure

His name is not going to be on that Browns jersey that has the list of every single quarterback that they've had for the last 20 years. Because once your name goes up there, it's up there forever... And Osweiler would be like the perfect punchline on that thing.

It is only socially acceptable to burn LeBron James' jersey

Any player that is a traitor to the town that he was born in and then leaves twice. That's fair. So LeBron James. It is now socially acceptable only to burn LeBron James' jersey.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

The Mayweather-McGregor fight is a lifeline for the sport of boxing

I think boxing, in some respect, should be thankful to Conor McGregor because boxing hasn't been the biggest story in sports, certainly since Mayweather Pacquiao. ... So I think in some respects, this is a lifeline for boxing.

Madison Square Garden is the best venue for fights over Las Vegas

Vegas has so many great fights, but, man, there ain't nothing like the Garden, brother. [It is the Mecca].

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Celtics fans have no right to complain about trading draft picks for Kyrie Irving

I don't understand Celtics fans that have been bitching and moaning about Danny Ainge not trading picks... and then when he does trade it, being like, well, we should have held on to that pick. Because you just got a guy who is [a] top five scorer in the NBA, a guy who can score in the finals of the NBA finals.

Fantasy football leagues should not have a trade veto unless there is proof of collusion

Veto guy is on my Mount Rushmore. Guy who just vetoes everything. To me, unless you can prove collusion, there should be no veto in [fantasy football].

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

The Bears have signed enough mediocre quarterbacks that no one can realistically claim they should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

Because they stupidly spent so much money on Mike Glennon, too. We got too many quarters. We got Mark Sanchez. ... The Bears basically gave themselves a buffer against Colin Kaepernick. They're like, if we sign enough mediocre quarterbacks, no one can say, hey, the Bears should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

Mike Tomlin is not a true 'Football Guy' because he is always looking for the camera.

I actually disagree on Mike Tomlin. I do not think Mike Tomlin is a football guy. Because Mike Tomlin always knows where the camera is. He always is looking for the camera, doing pointing shit. That's not a football guy.

Society is ruined because of Instagram curated lives

I actually think we're fucked. And I actually think, the story's about someone else, but I talk about it personally... I have not had an original thought in more than a year [because of social media].

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.