Takes

JJ Watt signed with the Cardinals because they offered the most guaranteed money

J.J. Watt is signing with the Cardinals. I just assume it's the most money... it's the most guaranteed money. I know Kyler Murray and all this stuff. I think it's the most guaranteed money and he probably just didn't want to play in the cold.

The Chicago Blackhawks have no chance of making the playoffs

I said, it's great to watch, but there's no chance they're making the playoffs. No chance. I just don't see it happening there's like the depth isn't there... maybe if Taze comes back but who knows.

Michigan is good enough to beat Baylor or Gonzaga this season

I feel like in yesterday's game, that was the first time in months that somebody's been like, showed up on a national stage, and you're like, that team can beat Baylor. That team can beat Gonzaga. Michigan, yeah. I feel like we need to include them in that conversation.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine. You think we're trending up? Uh-uh... We're trending down.

Alex Ovechkin is the best goal scorer in the history of hockey

Ovechkin is, I think, the best goal scorer of all time. I know he doesn't have the most goals, which he actually somehow might break... But Ovechkin is right there with Gretzky and Hall, top goal scorers of all time.

Tom Brady text the entire team every morning at 5:30 AM before the Super Bowl saying we will win

He was just telling us, we will win this game. You know, our hard work we're doing throughout the week, you know, he made sure that, you know, just like we all did. It'd be 5:30 of the morning before. I guess he's the first person up. You know, he leads by example.

I want to stay with the Buccaneers if we can keep the team together

I would love to rejoin, you know, but things happen. If it doesn't work out, it happens. So just stay and pray it up and I'm going to let my agents and them deal with that. I think this team, we could do something special if we stay together again.

JJ Watt will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on thank-you ads for Houston

I think that there's probably at least like $300,000 or $400,000 that [JJ Watt] has earmarked right now to take out full-page thank you ads to the entire city of Houston. He's probably going to be buying billboards all over Texas, thanking them for his time there.

If Urban Meyer doesn't draft Trevor Lawrence at #1, someone will trade to #2 and take him immediately

If Urban Meyer does not draft Trevor Lawrence, then someone's going to trade up to number two, and then they'll take him there.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

Loyola Chicago is in great shape to make the NCAA tournament

They're in great shape to make the tournament... If they make the tournament, everyone's going to talk about [Sister Jean].

I am growing my long hair back

First off, the hair is coming back... But I needed to cut it. It was getting long, and we were kind of in a losing skid, and I felt like changing it up could have helped me. And it did... It'll come back.

Tom Brady putting on a knee brace before getting drunk is genius thinking.

I love the knee brace. I love Tom Brady, like an offensive lineman wearing a preemptive knee brace during a football game. He goes out and gets drunk and he puts a knee brace on before he does it. That's thinking ahead. That's the difference between him and all the other quarterbacks.

Success in a celebrity marriage requires both people to be 'weird as hell.'

I actually think that for celebrity couples to work, you actually both have to be weird as hell. It helps because if it's just if somebody is too normal in a celebrity relationship... it doesn't work. You have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship, I think, to actually make it work in the long run.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

Tom Brady's 'We Will Win' texts are the most confidence-inducing messages in the world

The story that came out that Tom Brady texted his entire team every night the week leading up to the Super Bowl just saying, we will win. And I have to imagine that's got to be – like in terms of text messages you can get, that has to be the single most confidence-inducing text message you can get from anyone at any point in your life.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than 18 NFL franchises combined

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than the Bears, Jets, Saints, Rams, Seahawks, Eagles, Bills, Vikings, Bengals, Panthers, Falcons, Chargers, Titans, Cardinals, Browns, Lions, Texans, Jaguars combined. That's 18 teams combined. More than half of the league, and he has more Super Bowls than those 18 teams, 18 franchises combined.

Patrick Mahomes will have surgery on his foot

I think [Mahomes] is probably going to have surgery on that foot. ... The turf toe reared its ugly head a little bit. I'm serious. He was not able to scramble as effectively. He looked slower. He looked hobbled. He didn't step into that many throws.

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

I'm betting the over on a half-interception for Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

Tom Brady over a half of an interception. So he's got to throw one. I think he's going to throw – I think Tom Brady's going to play well, but I also think he's going to take his shots.

Tails never fails on the Super Bowl coin toss

I usually go with tails never fails. ... It's tails. I'm betting tails. There you go. Tails never fails.

The return of the EA Sports College Football game is a monumental and universally loved day

The best day I haven't seen the Internet universally love something more than this game returning. It is so fucking great. It is going to take like two or three years, which who cares? ... This was a monumental day. This is a great day.

Passively watching the Pro Bowl is the football equivalent of the Masters for napping

The Pro Bowl really was like... The football equivalent of the Masters in terms of a great nap day, like a wonderful nap Sunday was watching neither offense or defensive line really get out of the three-point stances at all.

Christian McCaffrey is as good as the hype suggested in college

I never seen Christian play a day in my life, right? So I seen him play in the Rose Bowl. I said, you know what? He's nice. He's nice, nice. I thought it was hyping him up, but he has catch, he's fast, he can block. He does it all.

Viruses do not have nuclei

Viruses don't have nuclei.

I would never trade Patrick Mahomes for anything

I wouldn't trade Patrick Mahomes for anything. I mean, you're pretty much guaranteeing that you're going to the AFC Championship game for the next, like, 15 years.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Aaron Rodgers is staying with the Packers because it is his destiny to torture me for another decade

I knew deep down [Rodgers] wasn't going anywhere because I think it's destiny for Aaron Rodgers to torture my soul for another decade. I think he'll just be there forever. And every time that I start to think he's getting old, he'll be like, oh, here's another MVP.

In-person interviews will likely return after the Fourth of July

Would you guys say over, under, Fourth of July? [for having people back in-person] Over, probably, if I'm being realistic, yeah. I really hope that it does [happen].

Tom Brady has lost a step of quickness in the pocket

I don't know if it's the arm strength, by the way. I think his arm strength is almost still there. It's weirdly like his quickness in the pocket. I think that has lost a tiny little step that makes it a little harder for the throws.

The Chiefs can flip the switch whenever they want

Whoops I fucked up like the Chiefs are so fucking good and yes guess what turns out they can flip the switch they can flip it whenever they want it doesn't really matter... they broke the Switch tonight.

I am betting on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl

I'm not going to make the same mistake. I'm going to bet on the Chiefs. My bet is the Chiefs.

Three Super Bowl titles is the threshold for a dynasty

I think dynasty is always three of four or three in a row. You need to win three titles to have official claim of a dynasty or decade. I think that's fair.

Tom Brady's competitive stamina is unmatched by anyone

His competitive stamina is second to zero to no one. Absolutely no one. I mean, he comes in every day with a purpose, with trying to improve something. He eats, breathes and sleeps this stuff. I've never doubted him, and I don't think anyone should.

Patrick Mahomes will pass the concussion protocol and play in the AFC Championship

I'm ready to say that I think that he [Mahomes] will pass the concussion protocol test at the end of the week.

I am okay with moving the Elite Eight and Sweet Sixteen to Saturday through Tuesday

I do actually like that. They're the Sweet 16 and Elite Eight. Sweet 16 is Saturday, Sunday, Elite Eight, Monday, Tuesday. I'm okay with that because Elite Eight is, it's weird when you have the Elite Eight on that Saturday and Sunday and you're like, wait, there's only two games... Whereas now you'll work all day Monday and then you get basketball at the end of the day.

Saints fans will eventually regret only winning one Super Bowl with Brees and Payton

If you asked a Saints fan, like, hey, that was incredible, awesome memories, but there's definitely a small part of you that's saying to yourself, shit, how do we only win one? That absolutely exists.

The Packers will beat the Buccaneers in the NFC Championship Game

Packers are going to win. Probably. Packers are a wagon right now. And they're going to win. It's going to be boring. Nope. They're still going to score 33 points.

Lamar Jackson is the second best playmaker in the NFL behind Mahomes

Lamar, to me, is... if you want to say playmaker, he's probably the second best behind Patrick Mahomes. But all-around quarterback, he is still limited as a thrower.

Baker Mayfield is definitively the 'guy' for the Browns

Is Baker our guy? Baker's your guy. Baker is your guy. It's definitive as can be. Baker is your guy. If you can get any type of defense around that offense, you guys are going to be really good next year.

Deshaun Watson definitely wants out of Houston

Deshaun Watson definitely wants out. I read an article. They essentially got hijacked by like a chaplain. Jack Easterby, he went into the office and made Cal McNair pray with him.

The Packers will beat the Rams in the Divisional Round

In my heart of hearts, I think the Packers are going to win... I know deep down this is probably a game that Aaron Rodgers is going to win just because Jared's thumb. He had surgery 10 days ago or 11 days ago. It's going to be fucking freezing cold.

Bills vs Ravens will not be a blowout

It won't be a blowout. These two teams are too evenly matched... 40-10. But that's how I feel. I honestly feel that way.

Mark Andrews will have a big game against the Bills

I think Mark Andrews is the key guy that you want to be looking at to have a big game for Baltimore. I think regardless of what Buffalo ends up doing, they stink covering tight ends. So I think Mark Andrews is going to have a big game here.

Nick Saban can truthfully guarantee every recruit a national title if they come to Alabama

If Nick Saban walked into your living room at any point in the last 14 years, he could say to you and your family, you will win a national title if you come to Alabama, and it is true. You can look at it, 09, 11, 12, 15, 17, 20... You are guaranteed to win a national title.

The Buffalo Bills are the most complete team in the NFL

The Bills, weeks 1 through 9, they were 24th in defense, and then weeks 10 through 17, they are 6th, and they are giving up 20 points a game. Flip the switch. They are the complete team.

Brian Daboll will be hired as a head coach after this season

He's [Josh Allen] going to get Daboll hired, man. Brian Daboll is going to get it. That dude is a dude's dude, and I know that him and Josh are really tight, and he's absolutely going to get a really good job off this.

I am retiring on my terms (sort of)

For me, unless a super enticing offer comes down the pipe... as far as me in my career and where my family's at, man, I couldn't be more happy and content and satisfied with my journey... and this is the end of the road. I wanted to just let it be known that I'm going to go out on my terms and call it a career... Well, the paperwork hasn't been final filed as of yet.

The Bills and Chiefs are the biggest threats to the Packers winning a title

I think the teams truly to worry for the Green Bay Packers are in the AFC. I think it's the Chiefs with their ability to score really fast. And I think it's the Buffalo Bills because Josh Allen somehow grew a hose in the last offseason and can throw the ball at any point in time.