Takes

Tom Wilson isn't a scumbag; he's just misunderstood and people are afraid to look him in the eye

My fire Fest of the week is I have to come up with new reasons and new ways to defend Tom Wilson. No, he's not scumbag... I need a workshop a few ways. People are saying that Tom Wilson's running into people's backs... I don't think that that's the case at all. The best I could come up with at this point is that people afraid of Tom Wilson they're afraid to make eye contact with him.

The NCAA should run the March Madness tournament in a bubble right now

Why aren't we just doing the NCAA tournament right now? Like if someone... go, yeah. Hey, whoever wants to win the presidential election just pay for it. Like that would be pretty good. How about him in a bubble? And let's just do the NCAA tournament.

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

The Rock buying the XFL is a staged WWE-style feud with Vince McMahon

I think that this is work. I think that I think that this is WWE. A situation where the rock but McMahon's baby from underneath them. And now it's going to be like a WWE style Feud which is what the XFL should be in the first place.

Reading a Twitter fight between Clay Travis and Darren Rovell is worse than a 20-year prison sentence

If you're like, hey, you have to go to prison for the next 20 years or you have to spend the next two days reading their [Clay Travis and Darren Rovell] back and forth. I choose prison. Yeah, it's like the most popular nerd verse the least popular not nerd.

NFL players will lie about having COVID just to keep playing

The one thing that I think the NFL still has going for it is that pretty much every single player is just going to lie when they have coronavirus. I think there will be a whole team that's sick and we just won't know about it.

Aaron Rodgers would rather play for Mike McCarthy in Dallas right now

Aaron Rodgers right now... he would rather I think play for Mike McCarthy right now than Matt LaFleur. Yes who can say what you want about Mike McCarthy, but he never acquired a good quarterback to play behind them... Rodgers always good in Jerry world. So maybe he goes down to Dallas.

Everything is an ingredient and every meal needs beer

Billy has three rules as a cook. Rule number one is they're all ingredients. That's his saying when you say Billy what the fuck are you doing right now that smells and looks terribly says they're all ingredients. Dude. Number two is let the meat talk. So that means just don't put any seasoning on any meat just Talk and number three is every meal cooked needs beer. So that Billy can drink it.

The 2020 NBA season only counts if LeBron James wins it

I think the Pelicans are going to win. I think the Clippers are going to win lock it up noted does the season count? Yeah, not as LeBron wins, correct good answer.

Bill Belichick is stashing impact players on a shadow team via COVID opt-outs

I think that the patrons might be putting together like a shadow team. Just getting through camp and he's got all these guys that he knows wants to be impact starters. He's like, they're gonna be my shadow team. They're going to stay healthy and then I'm going to bring him in before the season starts.

Viagra is an effective pre-workout supplement for getting a pump

And sildenafil is for a pump. It just gets your veins... sildenafil is the active ingredient Viagra, but it's sick for pump.

Adam Silver should put a strip club inside the NBA bubble

I blame Adam Silver because Adam Silver should have a strip club inside the bubble. There should be a strip club. Yes. These are these are NBA players with needs and that among these are casual lap dances and Delicious lemon pepper barbecue wings.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

Peeing outside is better than using a public restroom

I get up I'm going to cut your first of all I see look IPS that everywhere I go out Piazza like all my outside Pier. I love the freedom. I love the air love the breeze. Oh every day I get up at night and go outside just to Peak.

I will be a college head coach by 2021

moving 2021? I will be where I don't know but I will be [a head coach]... I create a package. I'm not part of one.

I must have at least three Cleveland Browns players on my fantasy team every season

I only draft Browns players on my team... It's just because last the last time I won fantasy football, I had Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson as a one-two punch... So now I have to have that a minimum three Browns on my fantasy football team every season and I have not won since that season.

The MLS is a Ponzi scheme

I don't understand how they can keep adding teams. It is a Ponzi scheme. Because you just pay the existing owners and the talent isn't there to keep up.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

Bryson DeChambeau is the number one baby back bitch in sports

[Bryson DeChambeau] is now the number one triple B in the sports world... I think he's baby back bitch of the year. The fact that he now has his caddy blocking camera guys too.

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

George Kittle was the best player in the NFL in 2019

This guy is an SOB blocking now... he and Gronk and a handful of guys are ungodly blockers as they play, and they can do everything the other guys can do as receivers... George Kittle, I think we [PFF] had him as the best player in the NFL last year.

NFL owners will never force Dan Snyder to sell because they all have similar skeletons in their closets

I think that the other NFL owners, and I think a lot of NFL teams are going to look at this report and be like, well, we can't force [Dan] Snyder to sell because we all have some of the same stuff probably happening under our own roofs.

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

LeBron James is not currently a top-five player of all time

Is [LeBron James] on a trajectory to jump into the top five of all time? For sure. But with three championships and he's still on that trajectory, he's not there yet, in my opinion... I would have Bill Russell, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain [ahead of him].

The Rockets would have beaten Michael Jordan's Bulls in the mid-90s because the Bulls were too small without Horace Grant

I think the reason they lost to Orlando, even when Michael [Jordan] came back... I just think his team wasn't good enough because Horace [Grant] was in Orlando. So they were small, Shaq killing him inside... If they had Rodman, I'd have been like, I don't know... but without Horace Grant and without Rodman, no, I don't think they would have done it.

An Oreo is a frosting sandwich, not a cookie

If you took an Oreo and took, you know, the top part off, that single black chip is a cookie... What do you think Oreos are cookies? It's a frosting sandwich.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

ESPN+ is the worst app in the history of the world

My entire thoughts on the evening are fuck ESPN+. It's the worst app in the history of the world. Every time there's a fight, this is what happens every single time. I buy it on my phone. Doesn't work on my phone. I try to login on my computer. Doesn't work on my computer.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

Clemson will get left out of a conference-only playoff

I am hoping so badly that Clemson gets left out. It would be the takes that Dabo would come out with at that point. He might just secede the ACC from the rest of the entire NCAA.

I would hammer the under on Patrick Mahomes winning 3.5 more Super Bowls

If you though said over under Super Bowls for Patrick Mahomes, and you said it at let's say three and a half, I would hammer the under and that's nothing against Patrick Mahomes. That's just the NFL.

There is no chance the MLB's plan for reopening works

I think it's time to have an honest conversation about MLB's plan for reopening. There's no chance that it works. I've reached a point where I'm just like I've given up.

Kim Kardashian has a better chance of being President than Kanye West

I actually do think that I don't think it's going to be Kanye. I would actually think that Kim [Kardashian] has a better chance of being pressed. Absolutely. In like five, ten years, 100%.

Scott Boras effectively runs the MLB players' union

He [Scott Boras] can plead ignorance all he wants... he makes all sorts of ridiculous claims about... it doesn't matter which agency you're actually with, I run the union [MLBPA] anyways, you're going to have to deal with me.

I am a better pitcher than Curt Schilling was through age 28

I find it really fun to just position a position where like you're [Curt Schilling] either worse than me or you have to admit that advanced stuff matters. I'm better than him with certain regular stats at this point in my career through 28 years old.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time. That's it. It's over. If you look at the career that he's put together and how he keeps beating himself. He doesn't have a guy that he's going up head-to-head against he's only competing against his past self and he continues to dominate himself from a year ago.

Joey Chestnut is better than Tiger Woods because he competes against everyone who has ever eaten a hot dog

He is better than Tiger Woods better. I would say better because Tiger Woods only competes against what 200 other people in a golf major right? Joey Chestnut is literally competing against anybody that's ever eating a hot dog.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

If you are a Redskins fan most people that I know are totally on board with the name change just because it's a new fucking page. It's turning the page. They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years.

The primary issue for NBA players in the Orlando bubble will be the lack of sex and groupies.

What's going to end up happening in my mind is... the big news today in the NBA as we finally have the elephant that's been in the room the whole time. Stephen A. Smith addresses it head-on and says it's going to be an issue with how horny everyone's getting trying to get out of the bubble to hook up... I was saying the real problem is we don't know the groupie situation.

The Patriots will win 12 games this season with Cam Newton at quarterback.

I mean, we have Cam Newton now... how many wins do you think the Patriots will have this year? 12.

The Bears were right to sign Nick Foles because there were no other good quarterbacks available

Looks like the Bears were really right to sign Nick Foles because there's no other good quarterbacks out there. Yeah.

MLB owners hide revenue by investing in ancillary businesses like hotels and RSNs

What each franchise does is somewhat of a secret... you have ancillary revenue streams that are being created that under the rules they do not them to be a part of Revenue sharing some investing in hotels and restaurants and casinos... I'll pay my team 75 million for that $300,000,000 right [for the RSN], I'll own the RSN and I'll keep that money at the RSN so I don't have to share with my other owners.

The 2020 Stanley Cup will have an asterisk and should be called the 'Corona Cup'

I've called it it's going to be the corona Cup this year. So they're actually only going to take off the top bowl of the Stanley Cup and handed to the winners. So forever a little bit of an asterisk people have argued with me over that but still I just think it's different it's odd.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

A 2020 World Series title for the Mets would deserve four asterisks

Mets huge huge asterisks for four asterisks for what if they win the World Series.

The new Rangers stadium looks like a cheap Home Depot shed

it looks like a cheap shed that you buy at Home Depot to like keep your garbage cans so that the raccoons don't get it... it looks like a toolbox that you would see in the back of your most sunburned neighbors truck.

Ben Roethlisberger's porn addiction admission is a genius move to distract from his real past

This was genius by him. Of course everything that he does is genius, right? Be like, I'm not talking about my real past. I'm talking about my porn. And yes, this is the androstenedione in the locker for Mark McGwire that Roethlisberger's bringing.

The Falcons will win 12 games in the 2020 season

I'll get roasted for it, but I'm going to say we're going to win 12 games.

It is easier to make the US Olympic handball team than it is to bowl a 300 game

What's harder to do: roll a 300 or make the US Olympic team handball team? Absolutely make the US Olympic handball team is easier than rolling a 300.

Joe Rogan is officially uncancellable

Twitter decided to go like they went full send and I'm going to tip my cap to The cancel Brigade because they went for the final boss Joe Rogan and failed... he is uncancelled because he would actually let's say that Twitter was able to get his contract with Spotify canceled, right? He would just take that ride that wave of publicity. Go back to what he was doing before and still make a shitload of money.