Takes

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

Butch T. Cougar beats the Notre Dame Leprechaun unless the Leprechaun is actually magic

That leprechaun better actually be magic because otherwise I'm going to go with Butch.

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Each NFL team should be allowed one legal body slam per game

DeAndre Hopkins doesn't get enough credit for one of the coolest nicknames... Nuke. So when he body slammed the defender, which I believe that each team should get one body slam a game, just like you get one body slam, we get one body slam.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

I would return to the NFL for $10 million if I could wear number 69 and be tackle eligible every play

Let's say $10 million... You get to wear number 69, and you report as tackle eligible every single play... [Gronk]: You know, that's a pretty good deal... Three games before the playoffs, $10 million, wearing number 69... Yeah, I would take that deal.

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

The Jaguars should trade for Eli Manning following Nick Foles' injury

Nick Foles broke his clavicle... I'm going to say a name for who the Jaguars should look to trade for. Eli Manning. Let's get it going. Let's get him back with [Tom] Coughlin. Get the band back together. The defense is good enough. All you need is Eli to win nine games.

MLB general managers should be fired if they ever miss the playoffs

If you're not going to make the playoffs... you're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs. If you can't make it... you've got to go. If you ever miss the playoffs, you should be fired.

Antonio Brown and Josh Gordon will both play every game for the Patriots this season

Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon, do both of them play 16 games? [Big Cat] Antonio Brown obviously didn't play tonight, so 15 in his case. [Hank] Yes.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1

18-1 is my official preseason prediction... I think they're going to lose a random regular season game, and that'll be it... They're not going to lose in the playoffs.

The Bears' offense was a 'fucking joke' against the Packers

The Bears were a fucking joke tonight. Yeah. They were a joke. How's that make you ten penalties? 407 yards the offense looked like shit. The defense was awesome. Couldn't turn the ball over which would have been nice but like They were joke. You can't have that first and 40. Graphic. That's a fucking joke that is aim action game.

Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame for the Antonio Brown situation

I have a take on this no one to blame. But Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame Mike Mayock you brought this headcase in Antonio Brown has proven time and time again that he's a dickhead. He has done nothing to disprove that. ... When he comes and he does exactly what you expected him to do. You cannot be surprised.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens in Week 1 because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The Jaguars (+3.5) will beat the Chiefs in Week 1

Every jackass out there is going to be better on the Chiefs. Not me. I'm going to take the Jags and win because I'm smart.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis over Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal

I hate to say this but Novak's got to into slams in 2019. Federer has none. So he's better right now... he is the goat. All right, and he beat him in Wimbledon. No big deal.

The Vikings will finish 25th in the NFL and stink

Vikings at 14. Vikings are going to finish 25th. Kirk Cousins is on a perfectly average... I think they might finish even lower because the slaughter curse.

The SEC is effectively dead and should relegate Tennessee or Missouri

SEC is pretty much dead. So I think they have to look at getting rid of either Tennessee or Mizzou at this point. If you lose a week one game against an inferior opponent, you should just become a member of whatever conference that they're from.

The Miami Dolphins will win 6 or 7 games in 2019 despite the tanking narrative

I think the Dolphins are going to go 6-10, 7-9. I'll take the under on that [Big Cat's 4 wins]. I've tricked myself into thinking Daniel Jones will be a very good NFL quarterback. That one I could see happening. Because the Dolphins winning seven games is the most insane thing I've ever heard.

LeBron James is an asshole for trying to trademark 'Taco Tuesday'

LeBron's an asshole. Let's just go business hour with LeBron. I do just hate him. He is trademarking Taco Tuesday. Trying. This is the guy who his big inventions, his big ideas, business ideas. Talking in a barbershop. With his friends. Space Jam 2. Remember when he created Plinko?

There is a 100% chance Andrew Luck plays another snap in the NFL

I'm going to say there's a hundred percent chance that Andrew Luck plays another snap in the NFL. Oh, that's good. You know, why because I can basically keep saying it for the next ten years and by that time I'll be dead and yeah and just be like, oh why I put an expiration date on my own life and Andrew Luck's like potential of who you know, who's out there Andrew Luck. Mmm that will last far longer.

Women are naturally designed to be football kickers

I think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish them. Sure when you kick true... They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it. Let her kick Let her kick why not her.

Nathan Peterman might take Derek Carr's job by the end of the year

Nathan Peterman, I'm going to say it right now, he might take Derek Carr's job by the end of the year... In at least one game, John Gruden will just get pissed off at Derek Carr.

Wisconsin will never win a national title in football or basketball

Personal one, Wisconsin will never win a national title in football or basketball... I accepted it when Coach K paid off the refs at halftime [in 2015], but that was the moment. It will never happen.

Nathan Peterman is a rejuvenated and reinvented quarterback

I think that Nathan Peterman, whether it's here or somewhere else this year, if he gets in, I think he's a rejuvenated, reinvented QB, man. This guy, I've been very impressed by Nate so far.

Luke Willson would not work well in Bill Belichick's system

I don't think the Belichick system would work too well with him [Luke Willson].

The NFL Combine question of whether a player is 'too smart' is actually a valid concern

When we always laugh about the Combine interviews and the Josh Rosen, like, is this player too smart? Yes, 100%. It absolutely is a real question... This is actually a perfect case where Andrew Luck is a very smart guy. He has a ton of interest outside of football. I think he loved football. I think the injuries made him fall out of love with football because he's like, you know what? There's more to life than this.

The Lakers signed Dwight Howard to be the fall guy for LeBron James

Lakers fans, no matter what happens, no matter how shitty the team plays, they're going to hate LeBron or they're going to hate Dwight more than they hate LeBron. So LeBron has a real easy fall guy to point at and Dwight Howard and then be like, we got rid of the fall guy. Now it's time for us to gel as a team.

Zeke Elliott should sit out the entire 2019 season

If I'm Zeke, I'm sitting out the whole season. I got more power to Zeke on this one. Zeke, don't play this year at all.

Aaron Rodgers is a try-hard loser for his Canada Boys outfit

Three years after that joke was funny, and probably like 10 years after that joke was funny, Aaron Rodgers hopped on. Classic. Way to go, dude. You fucking try-hard loser.

Ezekiel Elliott should continue his holdout because Jerry Jones is being disrespectful

Zeke maybe man all this disrespect being thrown away by Jerry Jones. I don't have to take it to seek. It's kind of a bad look though to be like, I can't believe that he said zi KU... I don't have to take it to seek.

Devin Booker complaining about double teams in open runs is a soft move

Devin Booker was mad because Joakim Noah sent a double team on them. And Devin Booker was like, hey, we don't double team and open run... it just showed maybe Devin Booker is the s word soft... what more could work on your game than having a double-team you get double-teamed in the NBA. Why wouldn't she want to be double-teamed right here?

If Rex Grossman beat Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl, Manning would have never won a ring

I still think that Rex Grossman could be a great quarterback because that arm strength come on... you could say that if Rex Grossman had beaten paid Manning in that game. Peyton Manning would have never wandering correct correct facts.

Josh Gordon will be on the Patriots for the entire 2019 season

He's [been suspended] for zero weeks. [How many weeks will he be on the team?] All of them. [If he gets cut or leaves] Hank gets a cat.

I will record 5+ touchdowns for the Packers in 2019

[He's going to score touchdowns. Oh, how many?] I put the over-under at five. [John Kuhn: All-time record for a superback].

The NFL intentionally closed the helmet loophole to 'win' against Antonio Brown

At best, it's been horrible communication... At worst, I feel like they just want to win. They're just making it up as they go... once they recognized there was a loophole because they had failed to previously test the Schutt Air Advantage, they jammed that loophole shut to win.

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Wearing green jerseys makes a team half a second faster in the 40-yard dash

Any time a team plays with that color green, it takes half a second off their 40 time. That's just a fact. I didn't make that up.

Small dicks and dad bods are the defining trends of the decade

Small dicks are back. That's true. Small dicks are back. So shout out to me and all the other small dick guys, but dad bods and small dicks—it's our decade.

Green Bay should move the Packers franchise if they need gimmicks to get fans loud

It's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. [...] If you have to ask the Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

I am disappointed in Big Cat's flip-flopping on being an anti-vaxxer

I'm a little disappointed in your flip-flopping with anti-vax. [...] If you're going to pick a side, you have to stick to it. [...] What kind of example are you setting for your son without succumbing to peer pressure?

The Cowboys should pay Dak Prescott $75 million per year

As not a Dallas Cowboys fan, I hope they pay Dak as much money as possible. 70. 75. Okay. Fuck it. Deal. Full send.

NFL teams should be allowed to give one rookie a monk haircut as team building

I think that you should be allowed to give one rookie a monk. Yes, yes, I agree. That's not hazing, that's team building. That's funny. Big difference. If it's funny, it's not hazing.

Andrew Luck's injury might be way worse than reported

Andrew Luck has a weird random injury that might keep him out for a lot longer than everyone expects. Calf strain has turned into a high ankle issue... That's like being like, oh yeah, my sniffles turned into the flu.

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

I think Antonio Brown has had an actual mental break

I actually think Antonio Brown is – I think there's something wrong with him. I think that he's, like, going crazy. He's had, like – an actual mental break that doesn't mean that like we can't joke around about the whole helmet saga because that is fucking hilarious but I actually think that there's something wrong with the guy.

I will get an NFL 100 logo tattoo if the Browns and Lions meet in the Super Bowl

If it's Browns-Lions in the Super Bowl, I'll get the tattoo for sure. Yes.

I will get an NFL 100 logo tattoo if Blake Bortles wins Super Bowl MVP

If Blake Bortles wins Super Bowl MVP, I will also do that [get the tattoo].

Christian Pulisic stunk in his Chelsea debut and might not be ready for the bright lights

I watched the whole game. He stunk. Is he not ready for the bright lights?... I'm just going to say, as someone who was ready to declare this the biggest moment in USA soccer history, yeesh, maybe we have to start getting the narrative that he's not from America.