Takes

Pam Beesly is the worst character on The Office

Very telling that no one has taken Pam [in the draft]... Yeah, Pam's the worst. Pam's the worst.

People with the biggest egos usually have the thinnest wallets

Ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in the way, they're typically not very successful.

Danny Ainge's goal is to beat LeBron James, not sign him

I think Danny Ainge's whole life has been about beating LeBron... Since he got to Boston, LeBron has, you know, pseudo been in the league. How do you overtake this guy?... But he doesn't want LeBron to join. He wants to beat him.

Soccer players are frauds and the sport isn't that difficult to play

Soccer players are frauds. I don't think that it's that difficult to play soccer.

Harry Kane is a bust because he only scores from point-blank range

Harry Kane, still a bust in my mind [because] he just only scores from like two feet out. He basically didn't even have to [try for the hat trick]. He just showed up, and I could have gotten that hat trick.

Philip Rivers is a better quarterback than Eli Manning

Philip Rivers, better quarterback than Eli Manning. Much better. Better career. More viral. I know the two Super Bowls... statisticaly, better quarterback.

Trae Young looks like he sucks

Granted, I'm not a great basketball mind. That might surprise you at home. No, you're a brilliant basketball mind. But Trae Young looks like he sucks to me.

The best you will ever see Mo Bamba is the first time you lay eyes on him

Our friend Matt Jones from Kentucky Sports Radio... had a great line about Mo Bamba. He said the best... The best you'll ever see Mo Bamba is the first time you lay eyes on him. Because then from that moment on, you're like, wait, he can't really play basketball?

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

Dwight Howard is the worst teammate of all time

Dwight Howard, the worst teammate. Can we say he's the worst teammate of all time? Embrace the bait... Dwight Howard just being the worst teammate ever and no one wanting him. He alienated his teammates before we met him.

Dwight Howard would work on the Celtics

I actually think he would work on the Celtics. Call me crazy. But they wouldn't let him be the alpha. And if he didn't fit, he wouldn't fit. But I think he could fit.

Luka Doncic is the best NBA prospect ever

I'm officially a Luka guy. I've never seen a second of film of him... I'm going to go with best prospect ever.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

A team outside of the lottery will trade up to draft Luka Doncic

A team outside of the lottery trades up for Doncic. [Big Cat: Ooh, I like that.]

Barry Trotz is not a great coach and got lucky winning the Stanley Cup

I don't think that Barry Trotz is a great coach. I think he got lightning in a bottle. He got lightning in seven.

Argentina might be better at the World Cup without Lionel Messi

I think that Argentina might be better without Messi now. The whole team, they're in the win-win-for-Messi mode. And it weighs on their shoulders. Too much pressure.

The Jay Cutler trade was the worst trade of all time for the Chicago Bears

So my worst trade of all time probably, I know this is my fourth, but it's really the worst, was the Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler. Really bad trade. Very terrible trade... He got just his shit pumped by Aaron Rodgers again and again.

Tony Romo is a fraud for talking about qualifying for the U.S. Open for five years and never doing it

I would like to see Tony Romo. Wasn't there talk of Tony Romo qualifying for a U.S. Open? ... So is he a fraud? I mean, he's been talking about it for the last five years. I don't know.

Don't bet against Russia in the World Cup because FIFA always lets host dictators win for propaganda

I wouldn't bet against Russia. ... FIFA... they've got a history of dropping [the World Cup] into the hornet's nest of dictators looking for an easy propaganda win. ... I wouldn't bet against Russia.

Stephen A. Smith's claim of being a 'bottom feeder' is problematic for not respecting the whole woman

Stephen A. Smith, problematic is the fact that you don't respect women because you should be boobs, butt, and brain. Three Bs. That's the original Big Baller brand. Why are you putting, a woman's body should be put on a pedestal?

LeBron James will not sign with the Houston Rockets because he hates the city

Houston is my hot seat because the word on the street from, directly from LeBron James' lips. During the season when they were in Houston, he hates Houston as a city... The strip malls? The congestion? When you pull up Google Maps and it's just a ring of red... I believe that he hates Houston. I'm taking them off. We're officially taking them off the Pardon My Take big board for LeBron.

Kyrie Irving wants to leave Boston for the New York Knicks

There's a lot of rumblings coming out of Boston right now that Kyrie Irving might be thinking about going somewhere else after next season... Kyrie has always had his eyes on New York, and so he's always wanted to be a Nick.

Teams should hesitate to sign LeBron James to a Supermax contract due to his 'compound fracture' hand injury

how does lebron's like terrible terrible very very painful looking um displaced compound fracture hand injury affect his free agency status because if I was a team, I would hesitate against paying a guy with an injury like that a Supermax contract.

People who think Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James have a real basketball mind

people that love Jordan, it makes it obvious that you're just into the memes and that sort of thing. And those are the people that side with LeBron. That's how I know who actually has a basketball mind. Oh, you're going to do that? Like LeBron. Yeah, if you think Jordan's better, that's cool. Listen, you're going to like Jordan. It just tells me where you're at intellectually on a basketball level.

If Kevin Durant and LeBron James switched teams, the Warriors would still sweep the Finals

I think the Warriors win the title and sweep in the finals.

Colin Sexton will be a better NBA point guard than Trae Young

It hurts me to say it, but probably Colin Sexton. Just because Colin Sexton, that dude... he has that drive and the intangibles and all that kind of stuff that people go nuts for. Manalytics... Failure is not an option. I really like Trae Young. I hope it works out... but everyone thinks Trae Young is going to be Steph Curry again, and the margin of error is, I don't think you understand how hard it is to be Steph Curry.

If the Blazers had drafted Kevin Durant over Greg Oden, they still wouldn't have won any titles and KD would have left anyway

if they take KD [in Portland]... then they don't win any titles, and then he leaves. How is KD's situation in Portland any different than what it was in OKC? It wasn't. He still wouldn't have won any titles. He would have left. That's my two cents on that.

The Washington Capitals dynasty has already begun

The dynasty has already begun.

Julian Edelman is likely innocent of PED use because his Call of Duty stats were consistent

I've played Call of Duty with Julian Edelman multiple times... and I never noticed any performance that was out of the ordinary. Usually his kills to death ratio was pretty consistent throughout. No big spikes. So from where I'm sitting, probably didn't do it.

Kobe Bryant is not the GOAT and he thinks he's too smart

I'm a big Lakers fan, but I don't think Kobe's the GOAT. Kobe bugs the shit out of him. He thinks he's so smart. That's what really bugs me, is he thinks he's really smart.

If Alex Ovechkin wins the Stanley Cup, he might be the GOAT

If [Ovechkin] gets the Stanley Cup, which would be his third Stanley Cup in this playoffs, you've got to say, is he the GOAT? He might be. GOAT Vetchkin? It's either him or Gretzky.

The NFL has a 'charity problem'

I'm going to go as far to say, does the NFL have a charity problem? Might be. Might be. Let's look into that.

Donald Trump was intimidated by Nick Foles' physical presence

I think Trump might have been a little intimidated having Nick Foles... True, big dick Nick. You can't have a guy like that storm into your Oval Office... Especially with Melania around now. He basically becomes the president.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Radar guns should be removed from baseball so pitchers actually pitch instead of just throwing hard

I would take the radar gun out. Pitchers watch. I talked to Jacob deGrom, and he said he looks up there, and if he's at 94, he wants to get to 95. You know they're watching and I think just take them off the board... Just so the pitchers would pitch instead of throw. Nothing better than a pitcher that knows how to go out and watch a guy throw a beautiful game.

Steroid users who were caught should not be in the Hall of Fame

He's tainted. You're right. You shouldn't get in the Hall of Fame. Yes, I do [believe that]. If you're caught.

Clay Matthews might be over the hill because of his slow reaction time

I think Clay Matthews might be over the hill because his reaction time was really bad. It was pretty slow. Really slow. This was a softball... You should be able to get your glove up.

LeBron James insisted on Kendrick Perkins being on the Cavs specifically to kill J.R. Smith if he made a mistake

The reason why LeBron insisted on getting Kendrick Perkins on his squad was just for this type of situation. I fully expect Kendrick Perkins to kill J.R. Smith.

The 1996 Sonics were just as good as the 72-win Bulls

I don't think they [1996 Bulls] were the best team of all time. We was pretty damn good our goddamn self. ... I mean, we had won, what, they won 72, we won 64? ... I think that Sonics team, we won zero plus five years in a row yeah five years in a row.

I would have trash-talked Gary Payton off the court if he hadn't faked an injury in 2014

Are you scared that I would have trash talked you off the court? ... I mean, that was someone was covering for your ass because your ass didn't want a piece of me.

The Cubs should throw at the Pirates for failing to throw at Anthony Rizzo

The Pirates neglected to enforce an unwritten rule, meaning the Cubs should actually throw at the Pirates today to make them respect the unwritten rule of throwing at Rizzo.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

JR Smith is the most important player on the Cavaliers

J.R. Smith, whether he's shooting his threes or not, whether he's making threes or not, that's how the Cavs go. You can basically say that J.R. Smith is the most important player on the Cavs.

Chris Paul's shimmy was disrespectful to the game of basketball

When I say it was disrespectful, it wasn't disrespectful to Steph Curry. It was disrespectful to the game of basketball that he did it because they're friends. And so he did it like as a playful thing. I don't like that. I don't like playful jousting. You've got to hate the other men.

LeBron James will eventually return to Cleveland in five years as a player-owner

I don't think [this is his last game in Cleveland] because he's going to sign another contract somewhere else and then he's going to do another big announcement and come back to Cleveland in like five years. He's going to come back and he's going to be the first player owner for his last season.

I have eaten more bologna than anyone else in the world

I really believe that, at least at my age. I can say that for sure. No one can beat me in the bologna [eating competition].

The Golden State Warriors are now Klay Thompson's team

It's Klay's team now. It has to be his team.

I will get a tattoo of Blake Bortles' face if the Jaguars win the Super Bowl

I proclaimed tonight that if you win the Super Bowl, I will get a tattoo of your face somewhere on my body. Wrist, preferably.

James Harden looks like he is on designer drugs every playoffs

I don't understand how this is supposed to be different, and then [James Harden] goes to another playoffs and looks like he's taking some weird designer drug the entire playoffs... he looks like he's playing in quicksand.