Takes

Derek Jeter is going to look 'really fucking ugly' if he gains 15 more pounds

Derek Jeter, by the way, he's one of those guys that if he puts on another 10 or 15 pounds, he's going to be really fucking ugly. Because when you get the bald head and then you get the big cheeks, it's bad. You need hair if you're fat.

The NFC Championship will be Vikings vs. Packers

Aaron Rodgers isn't even going to play this season, and he's going to somehow get to the NFC Championship game... It's going to be Vikings-Packers for my real personal hell.

Jeff Fisher is a quarterback whisperer

Jeff Fisher is back in a big way because all of his quarterbacks are shining right now... Jared Goff just killing out in L.A... Number two is Case Keenum. He's back. Nick Foles. Playing well... He's a quarterback whisperer. He's like Johnny Appleseed. He's just going around and he plants all his little quarterback seeds. And then in like, you know, three to four years when he gets fired. They all just sprout into big trees.

The Jaguars season is AFC Championship or bust

We're at the point now, the defense is so good... It's AFC Championship or bust.

Matt Ryan fucking stinks

what we learned is everyone's fantasy teams went down the tubes during the playoffs and Matt Ryan fucking stinks.

The Browns will beat the Packers in Week 14

I'm going to lock back on you. I'm going to take the Browns. ... Oh, fuck. Your last name's Lockwood. That makes your locks. Double lock. ... I'm locked up. All you listeners out there, go with Hank.

Tom Izzo is overrated if he doesn't make another Final Four in the next two years

We're squatting on a take. Yeah, we're a couple years ahead of the curve. If Tom Izzo doesn't get back to another Final Four in the next two years, then he's overrated.

Kentucky's current freshmen are not good enough to go to the NBA and will all return

I honestly think this year's freshmen aren't good enough for to go to the NBA. That's what's weird about this group. But what that means is they're all going to come back.

Mike Mitchell saved football by blaming Andy Dalton's poor play for dangerous hits

Mike Mitchell from the Pittsburgh Steelers went on an awesome rant, basically saving football. ... Where the genius comes in is he basically said it's not that hitting in the head is a problem. It's that Andy Dalton sucks at football.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

Stephen A. Smith has a point about his 'Screaming A. Smith' nickname being unfair

Stephen A. Smith says there's racial undertones to anyone who calls him Screamin' A. Smith. So he says there's a lot of people out there who scream. Why don't they get the Screamin' A. Smith nickname? ... I've done some thinking about this out loud, some verbal thoughts, and you're right. I will stop saying screaming.

Alabama only made the College Football Playoff because of their name, not because they are better than Ohio State

I don't think Alabama is unequivocally better than Ohio State. I just haven't seen that from Alabama this year. I think they're great, but I think they're in because of who they are. And I think winning a conference championship at some point should matter.

Arizona State football is going to 'fucking suck' under Herm Edwards

Herm Edwards sucked when he was still a coach, and he hasn't coached for 10 years. And now he's going to go back to a college campus and coach. Arizona State football is going to fucking suck.

Starting Geno Smith is a cyanide pill that ends an NFL coaching career in a week

He realized that starting Geno Smith is a suicide machine for coaches. That's just a pill that you pop cyanide. It's like the dude in Bosnia, I have taken poison, should have just stood up and said, I have started Geno Smith. And he's dead within the week. It's over.

Thursday Night Football is garbage and destroys player safety

It's the worst shit ever. It's so stupid. They could take Thursday Night Football and stick it right up their ass. Let's fuck up everybody's preparation. Let's have guys who are hurt playing on four days rest. It's just bullshit, you know?

Clemson is the best team in the country and will crush Alabama in the playoffs

I actually think Clemson's going to win it all. I think they're the best team. I think they're going to whoop the fuck out of Alabama, which is going to be hilarious because then you get the Ohio State fans being like, should have been us to get the whoop the fuck out of Clemson.

Tiger Woods will never win anything big again

I don't think [Tiger Woods] is ever going to win anything big again. But for right now, he's back. He looked really good.

Dak Prescott sucks

Dak Prescott sucks. He sucks. And anytime – everyone's like, well, he lost to Zeke Elliott. Well, if losing your running back means that you aren't a good quarterback anymore, you weren't a good quarterback to begin with.

The Bears would have had a better chance to win the 2010 NFC Championship if they played Caleb Hanie earlier

We'd have had a better chance of winning [the 2010 NFC Championship], no question. [If Lovie Smith went straight to Caleb Hanie].

Eli Manning will go to Denver and win a Super Bowl

Here's my prediction. You ready for this? A Manning family tradition. Goes to Denver. Wins the Super Bowl.

Bitcoin is the future and will replace physical money

You think that the dollar bill's in your pocket right now? You think they're going to last forever? You think money's going to last forever? Okay, so Bitcoin's the future, baby. There's not going to be money in the future. There's going to be Bitcoin.

Trent Richardson was not a good NFL player and only got drafted for his speed

Trent Richardson. Oh, that's two first-rounders. People don't know that. He's worth two first-rounders. Future Hall of Famer. Yeah, future Hall of Famer... He zigged every fucking time. Just a zag one time would have been nice for us.

LeBron James got ejected from a blowout to stat pad and hit the showers early

LeBron got thrown out for the first time in his career for using foul language, complaining about a call in the fourth quarter of a blowout win. Why would he even care at that point? Stat padding? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark.

The Chargers are for real and will win the AFC West

I'm going to tell you why they're frauds, because they're going to win the AFC West... you were saying that they would be the best team to not make the playoffs. Guess what? You were fucking wrong because they are going to make the playoffs.

Wisconsin will lose the Big Ten Championship in heartbreaking fashion because of Alex Hornibrook

One side of my brain says that Wisconsin has everything they need to win this game. The other side of my brain says Hornibrook's going to have to make four or five passes in key points... and he's not going to be able to. And we're going to lose in heartbreaking fashion.

The Vikings will be up 40 at halftime on the Lions for Thanksgiving

I think that Mike Zimmer is going to leave the game early because the Vikings are going to be up by 40 points at halftime. This is the time of the year where the wheels totally fall off the Lions.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

The Braves will be 'fucked' for 10 years after their illegal scouting scandal

They ended up losing 12 of their minor league players to free agency. They just ripped up their contracts. So basically, the Braves are going to be absolutely fucked for the next 10 years.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship

I think Wisconsin could beat Ohio State. I really do. Halftime of the Michigan game, I was like, oh, fuck, but Wisconsin put it on them in the second half, and I was like, this defense can play with... hey, defense travels. I'm there. I'm going to enjoy these next two weeks where I'm like, it's just one game to get to the playoffs.

The Giants should not fire Ben McAdoo yet

Do you think they should fire him? Absolutely not. No, I think... look what [Bill Parcells] did. He won two Super Bowls. The reason why I say keep McAdoo on another year, something the same way with Bill Parcells, his first year when he was head coach, he was playing that loyalty stuff. He tries to keep everybody, but not all of them guys are good players. You got to upgrade your team every year. Cleaning house and starting bringing people that could work... maybe if they secure his job for one more year, that gives him the opportunity to lay down some laws.

The LaVar Ball vs. Donald Trump feud will end at WrestleMania

LeVar Ball versus the President of the United States being like a real feud that's going to be going and having chapters and keep going and probably ending in – there's like at least a 10% chance this actually does end in WrestleMania.

Jerry Jones doesn't care about his public image or internet leaks

I don't think Jerry Jones cares, and I actually don't think Jerry Jones needs to care how the internet works because you couldn't make me think any less about Jerry Jones than I do right now. If a tape came out tomorrow of him just stabbing a child, I'd be like, yeah, the child probably owed him money and reneged on a season ticket contract. He's more like Liam Neeson in Taken, except his particular set of skills is leveraging public debt.

The Saints will beat the Redskins by 30 points

Saints are going to beat [the Redskins] by 30. Yeah, like I said on Larry's Picks... I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. Actually, no. When Francisco Liriano got Tommy John in 2005, I said he'll never pitch another day in his life. And he's pitching still today.

The WNBA offers the biggest advantage for professional sports bettors

What's the sport with the best advantage for the gambler? [Big Cat asks] It used to be college basketball. It's getting harder and harder. Right now, it's probably the WNBA. Ooh, yeah. It's a huge one for professional bettors. They love it. The bookmakers don't pay that much attention to it, so the wise guys feel like they get an advantage.

The Giants (+10) are a lock to cover against the Chiefs in Week 11

My pick of the week was the New York Giants. Plus, I think, 10. Against Andy Reid off a bye. At home, against Andy Reid off a bye. ... This is a game with the wise guys pay attention to and feel like they have to take because of this situation... The giants are double digit dogs at home. You're automatically going to make that bet.

Peyton Manning ruined the Colts and Broncos franchises because he covered up their lack of talent

I blame Peyton Manning is what I do... I think Peyton Manning has currently ruined two franchises. At least Indianapolis and Denver. ... What has happened is like he is so advanced in understanding what you're trying to do to him as a defense that basically he takes marginal players... four and 12 talent or eight and eight talent and makes it 12 and four every year. And so you as a general manager, as a franchise, I get a little bit more enamored with your talent than you should be... all of a sudden that guy leaves and you realize we suck.

Apple intentionally ruins old iPhones via software updates to force users to upgrade

Apple, every single time they release a new iPhone, they do something with the software and they make all of our old iPhones suck. It's fucked up. They just screw up the IOS and they make it drain your battery allegedly... theoretically I'm very woke to this.

The Jaguars and Rams are both going to the Super Bowl

The Jaguars and the Rams are, knock on wood, both going to the playoffs. Super Bowl... The Rams are a legitimately good team... The Jags' defense is unbelievable.

I would still rather have Myles Garrett over Deshaun Watson

I'd still rather have Garrett over Deshaun Watson, though, because he's injury prone. True. Who's going to produce more this year?

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

The NFL concussion protocol is a farce

The really bizarre one was Russell Wilson basically getting what seemed to be a concussion and then doing like a second in the concussion protocol tent and then going right back out there and then realizing that everyone watched him do that and the whole concussion protocol is a farce.

Hue Jackson will keep his job in Cleveland because ownership wants to end the coaching carousel

I'm one of the few people in our business I really still think that Hue Jackson's going to make it. And I think he's going to make it because I'm going on something that Jimmy Haslam told me... He absolutely unequivocally does not want to continue this merry-go-round.

Josh Gordon won't be as good as before because he's sober

[Josh Gordon] got reinstated, but it came out that he admitted that he used drugs or alcohol before every single game he's ever played. So he's going to have to come back and not use drugs or alcohol, and he's not going to be that good.

I'm hammering the Vegas Golden Knights at home whenever their opponent has a night off in Vegas beforehand

Whenever a team has a day in Vegas, I just bet the Golden Knights, and they've been great. People get fucked up there. In Vegas? No. It's an 82-game season. You get there, you're just going to rip it up.

Sam Ponder's tweets are the legal definition of 'interference with contractual relations'

There is a doctrine in the law called interference with contractual relations. Knowing that you are about to enter into some kind of a business relationship with a third party... if someone attempts to have that contract stopped. That is the very definition of this case, of that tort.

I would take RGIII over Andrew Luck right now because RGIII is healthy

I would take RGIII. He's not injured right now. He has a clean bill of health, and he's got Greta. [Andrew Luck]... Jim Irsay made a comment to me about six weeks ago that it's inside his own head. I'm going to trust Jim Irsay on all matters related to mental health.

Kirk Cousins earns $7 million for every half-decent throw

Kirk Cousins makes himself about $7 million for every half-decent throw that he has in a game. So he'll suck for a good three quarters, and then he'll have two good intermediate passes, and you're like, okay, yeah, somebody's going to pay him $25 million next year.

Lane Kiffin definitely knows the spread and plays to it

I've said this for many years, that Lane Kiffin is one of the only coaches that I will put my fucking life on it, that he knows the spread and plays to the spread. He used to do it at Tennessee, too, where he would go for two in random spots. I know Lane Kiffin knows the spread.

The NFL's decision to overturn Zach Miller's touchdown catch was close to laughable

They have officially tried to sell the fact that they were correct with their ruling on the field, which I'm sorry to say, but I don't want to call it laughable, but close to laughable... there's no part of that element of that play that is clear and obvious to overturn.