Takes

The Browns will cover the spread against the Patriots in Week 5

So I did not take the Cardinals. So you're a Larry Fitzgerald this week? I am a big-time Larry Fitzgerald. I'm swimming with the Fitzgerald. But you didn't take the Cardinals. I didn't take the Cardinals. So instead of that, I'm going to take the Browns against the Patriots. I'm going to have them covering.

The Cubs would have won the 2015 NLCS if Addison Russell was healthy

People forget that you got injured before the NLCS last year... I think we probably win that series if you're healthy. Would you agree? I would like to agree. I would like to agree.

The more high fives a basketball team gives, the better they are

Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

Odell Beckham Jr. is basically European

Odell Beckham, maybe you should put Pacifier in your mouth. You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. Use none of them and go play soccer. You like to dance around and flop. You like the weird hair.

Urban Meyer buys fake Twitter followers

Jim Harbaugh and Urban Meyer, I guess, are buying fake followers. I would definitely think Urban Meyer is buying fake followers. Jim Harbaugh, someone in the Michigan office is doing that. Urban Meyer definitely – I mean like I said, he fakes other things.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Michael Vick should be in the Hall of Fame based on his on-field performance

I would vote Michael Vick for the Hall of Fame based only on what he did on the field. But I don't think he did enough as an NFL player to be on the field. But whatever happened to him off the field, even though it did cost him two years, would not prevent me from voting for him for the Hall of Fame.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?

England shouldn't be allowed to compete for Europe in the Ryder Cup after Brexit.

What a crock of shit that England's allowed to compete with Europe even though they Brexited. Give me a break. You can't have it both ways, man.

The ACC is officially back and the SEC is dead

I think the ACC is back, gentlemen. The ACC is back. The SEC is dead and continues to be dead.

Bobby Petrino will stay at Louisville for the long term because he is a man of faith

Love Petrino. I feel like Petrino's a good guy. He's got the whole faith of the program behind him. He's not going anywhere. Oh, man, after they go undefeated and they beat Houston too, Petrino's sticking around for the long term. He's not going to Texas or LSU next year.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

My J.J. Watt shoes caused my broken foot and J.J. Watt's back injury

My big takeaway, and I'm just connecting dots here, I was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. J.J. Watt was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

Bill Belichick is more important to the Patriots than Tom Brady

Who is more important to the Patriots, Belichick or Brady? Belichick.

LSU will go after Nick Saban to replace Les Miles

One name that's floating around that LSU is allegedly going to go after, Nick Saban. LSU wants Nick Saban to coach their football team.

Skyline Chili is garbage

Cincinnati Bengals, Skyline Chili. Garbage. Yes. Thank you. It's the worst... I asked people in Cincinnati, what's the deal with the skyline? ... It's greasy drunk food.

Flossing is a myth and doesn't actually help your teeth

I don't floss. You guys heard flossing is not – yeah it doesn't do shit... It's a myth... It was on the internet. Dude, there was an article about it. Four to five dentists recommend you not floss.

Peyton Manning will not sign with the New England Patriots

Hard no. [Peyton Manning signing with the Patriots is a] hard no.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title... Kevin Durant not only has been considered a top three player in the NBA, but he played with a top five player in the NBA with [Russell] Westbrook, and he got a fucking pass. So shut up.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Carson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years

Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.

Theo Epstein needs to chill out after admitting to following people home to watch them

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings... I used to follow people home... I could put on a hat and follow them. Just chill out, man.

It's time to ask if Andrew Luck is a bust

Is it time to ask, is Andrew Luck a bust? Andrew Luck has caused me so many gambling woes, and the latest one this week where he was just throwing the game away... I can't really tell you anything from [the weekend] except that I hate Andrew Luck. Like, that's my biggest takeaway.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a top three quarterback if given time against a bad defense

I still think Ryan Fitzpatrick is – I think he's a top three quarterback in the NFL if you give him a lot of time and if you play against a bad defense.

People who stand and wipe have 'poop in their butt' for life

People who stand and wipe, they do not get a clean wipe, and they end up walking around their entire life with poop in their butt.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.

Avocados are overrated as fuck

I just want to take this moment to say avocados are overrated as fuck... Guacamole, great. Avocados on their own, trash.

I support all protests except kneeling on 9/11

I have no problem with anybody protesting. I have no problem with what the guys on the Patriots did. And, you know, raising a fist on 9-11. I specifically was talking about kneeling on 9-11. I specifically was talking about that... And then Arian Foster said, he has a right to protest and you have a right to protest my protest.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed to win more games

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... and he was just sick of puking... I'm going to go through surgery just so I can eat some more.

Carson Wentz is the real deal and one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen

Carson Wentz, the real deal. No way is this going to backfire, Philly. He is one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen. Poise out of his eyeball. Hey, Philly, your Super Bowl curse, you're Gucci.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

Matthew Stafford will finally make the leap this year because Calvin Johnson was holding him back

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

Honey mustard will eventually go the way of the sun-dried tomato

Honey mustard... I feel that it likely is going to ultimately go the way of the sun-dried tomato... Sun-dried tomato had about half a dozen years at the top... then just vanished. Honey mustard, it's fine it's here now, but I won't miss it when it's gone tomorrow.

Retired the Flacco meter after Donald Trump addressed Flacco's eliteness — where else can it go from there?

I did retire the Flacco meter last year because once Donald Trump addressed [Joe] Flacco's eliteness, it's like, where else can it go from here? But every now and again, you need to kind of check in on it.

Baseball was officially neutered when Rich Hill was pulled from a perfect game

September 10th, 2016, the day baseball was officially neutered. RIP... He was pulled during a perfect game because he had 'heat on his finger,' which is a sign of blisters... the point of baseball is to pitch perfect games, not to keep people healthy.

The Packers will beat the Ravens in the 2016 Super Bowl

I got Packers over Panthers in the NFC... Ravens over Patriots in AFC. It is the return of the Ravens in 2016. I got Ravens Packers in the Super Bowl with the Packers winning.

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl. But when he doesn't win, that would actually — I would demand a raise here at Barstool if Joe Flacco made it. That would give me so much content.

The SEC is dead in 2016 except for Alabama

Do you think the stories about the SEC being dead are correct? I do, except for Alabama. because Alabama looked good last weekend against USC.

Chuck Pagano and Sean Payton are on the hot seat to start the 2016 season

I got Chuck Pagano... both the Saints and the Colts, they're in win-now mode. And not only that, but Chuck Pagano, he's been healthy for a while. I think you can fire him now, and it's not like, ooh, we just fired the guy who had cancer.

Texas is back

I'm going to ask the question right now. Is Texas back? Texas is back. I think Texas is back. I mean, it was a statement win. Charlie Strong, he needed a statement win, right? Now he's back.

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North in 2016

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]. Love that move [signing Josh Sitton]. And also, Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings. And now they're out of the way.

Mike Greenberg's belief that ties are more satisfying than overtime is the worst opinion ever

Mike Greenberg's dumb rules... I dislike overtime and college football so much that I genuinely believe ending in a tie is not only more just, it is more satisfying too. That has to be the worst opinion of all time.

Marlins Man belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame

Do you think Marlins Man has a chance of making the Hall of Fame? I think that he's got to be in the conversation. Put him in the asterisk wing.

Sam Bradford is a 'bunk credit score loan' who has sucked and will always suck

Sam Bradford is basically like one of these bunk credit score loans that get repackaged and repackaged and repackaged and sold for normal money... Sam Bradford has sucked, will always suck, and will continue to suck.

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

The SEC is 'bad' this year (2016)

RIP to the SEC, who's bad this year.