Takes

Drew Brees is selfish for not coming out of retirement to save the Saints' MNF game

Fuck Drew Brees for sending that smarmy-ass text back when they're like, please, Drew, can you please come back and play for us again? He's like, no, I'm out here golfing... Fuck Drew Brees. He should have done that. He's selfish for not coming back and making America experience the Ian Book game because it wasn't even entertaining bad.

Ian Book's MNF performance showed exactly how hard it is to play NFL quarterback

I'll say what Ian Book did, though. He gave us good perspective. How hard it is to play quarterback. Because Ian Book was a good college football quarterback, and it looked like he had never played quarterback. That's how hard it is to play in the NFL.

Josh Allen is defying statistics by winning 13 out of 16 coin tosses

My hot seat is statistics and probability because Josh Allen has won 13 out of 16 coin tosses this season. That's wild... The probability of hitting nine straight is .1953. So Josh Allen is defying all the stats nerds.

The Minnesota Vikings might start Kyle Sloter this Sunday

I feel like we might be getting some [Kyle] Sloter this Sunday. All aboard the Sloterboat.

Antonio Brown is being framed by the media

my cool throne is Antonio Brown... he is being framed by the media. I don't know if you guys saw, but someone compiled an entire list of things that he's done. I'll just read off some of it because it's crazy how much the media has made up stuff about Antonio Brown to try to get him to be seen as a bad guy.

The Clemson team apparel for the Cheez-It Bowl looks like an orange prison jumpsuit

My hot seat is Dabo Swinney. For a promo in the Cheez-It Bowl, they're posing in front of the trophy... and the Clemson team apparel just looks like a prison jumpsuit. It's just an orange prison jumpsuit.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Colts win the Super Bowl

I've seen some people being like, you're not actually going to do it. First of all, it's the tip of my pinky. It's the nail up. Second of all, it's essentially like a tattoo... The Colts started 0-3 in 2021, and they won the Super Bowl. It will suck, but I will do it.

Failing NFL teams should always flush the whole staff and front office out

The Jaguars, and this goes for the Giants as well, I do not understand teams that don't flush it all out. If your team is an abject failure, just... Flush the fucking thing out.

Jerry Jones might fire Mike McCarthy before the end of the season, even if the Cowboys are still in the playoffs

Jerry Jones might fire Mike McCarthy before the end of the season, even if they're still in the playoffs. If the Jaguars tell Kellen Moore, like, we want to hire you right now to be your next head coach, Jerry Jones might be like, see you later, Mike. We're riding with Kellen from this point on.

Nick Saban is actually a lot more fun than he appears in the media

He's actually a lot more fun than maybe comes across. And there are no surprises. I think that's what was great working with him. You know, there was never a surprise. You knew exactly the plan and what was next.

Montana’s Washington-Grizzly Stadium is one of the loudest, toughest places to play

I think one of the most underrated places, that's a tough place to play is actually at the University of Montana in Missoula... that place it's 25,000 people every game and they are rabid and it is loud... that's as loud a place as you'll ever play.

The planned downfield lateral will eventually change the game of football

The gospel of the planned downfield lateral becoming more prevalent in football... I think that a coach that can implement smart, planned out, almost rugby style pitches on certain plays... the coach that figures out how to do it safely is going to change the game of football offensively.

You should never send a meme to a person you are in a relationship with

I think it's more of a red flag that he's sending memes to you. You don't send memes to somebody that you're in a relationship with. You steal the memes and then you verbally tell them to them when you're out to dinner so you sound funny.

I absolutely think you should share funny memes and things you find on the internet with your partner

I absolutely think you share funny things you find on the internet with your partner. All day. It's just having a funny banter back and forth.

Madden 2004 was the best video game of all time

But Madden 2004 was probably the best video game of all time.

If you don't bet the Ravens against the Rams this week, you're a moron

You would be a fucking moron if you're listening to this right now and you don't bet the Ravens. Five out of six of us having the same pick [Rams -3.5]... If you're listening to this right now and you don't bet the Ravens, you're a fucking moron.

I'm going to get jacked and start dressing like an adult in 2022

I'm getting jacked again and starting to dress more like an adult... Look what I got for Christmas... It's a satchel. It's not a backpack. Adult steps.

The 2021 Chiefs are having a resurgence similar to the vintage Patriots

The way everyone talked and ourselves included, talked about the chiefs and my homes in October... and what they have done since is very Patriots ask where everyone's like, have the chiefs been figured out is Patrick or home's bad. And then they've just wanted 11 in a row... That's a very, I think an apt analogy.

The Cowboys are back and are legitimate Super Bowl contenders

The hype is going to be off the charts on Monday morning for the Cowboys... This was their, oh shit, the Cowboys are actually like super woke debtors. I'm mad at myself. Cause I thought about making a wager on them to win the super bowl on Monday at 12 to one... but the Cowboys are back.

Firing a GM but keeping the coach and QB is the dumbest thing a team can do

The firing of a GM and not of a coach is one of the dumbest things that a pro sports team can do. It's not stability when you've lost 10, 10 games or more every single season for five straight... Why wouldn't you just clean house top to bottom?

Washington should give Ron Rivera an extension despite the losing season

I actually think the best thing for the football team right now would be to give Ron Rivera an extension. That's really what we need... It would send a message that, okay. Yeah, we're kind of a clusterfuck, but at least we're a clusterfuck with some stability.

The Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins and the Vikings would be better with Baker Mayfield

I actually think that the way that those two teams are built, the Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins. And the Vikings would be better with baker Mayfield than they are right now... if Kirk cousins was on the Browns and it's like, okay, all you do is you take what's there. You let your defense handle business, you run the ball. That's kind of the team that he's built to win for... I think that baker would be better with the weapons that they have in Minnesota, where yeah. You can make a few mistakes, but also you can hit a shitload of home runs.

The Packers are a finesse team not built for the cold

I don't think that this Packers team is built for the cold. I think that the, I think they're built for a finesse. You know, they're built for global warming... I don't know if they're built for the call. I think that the, the Cowboys team that we're seeing right now, that team travels better than the cold than the Packers do.

The Arizona Cardinals are frauds who fall apart down the stretch

The Cardinals are frauds. The Colts went in with like a backup offensive line... and the Cardinals are back to where they were last year, where it's like falling apart, down the stretch, getting worse down the stretch... they've fallen apart two years in a row. And it's like, it's more than just a trend at this point.

The New York Jets are low-key electric and building something

I'm going to be on jets. Jets are low key electric. They may not have it all together yet... Braxton Barrios state it coast to coast, 103 yards on a kick return. Like they have something going there... Zach Wilson on that run, he looks faster in the all black uniforms.

Trevor Lawrence might be a bust after his late-game spike play

That spike he had on third down, what the fuck was that? That was crazy... he burned third down with the, with the spike. It's like, why wouldn't you, why don't you throw it to the end zone? It was crazy... that one made me think, like he might actually be a bust.

Expectations for a rookie QB to go deep in the playoffs are delusional

I don't think anyone that expected a rookie quarterback to take your team deep in the playoffs is delusional... If we're having this conversation in four years, like I do compare it to Josh Allen... It takes time. It's a progression. If Mack Jones is still where he's at today in four years, then we can have this conversation.

The Bills are built to win the Super Bowl in Los Angeles but not playoff games in the cold

I still stand by my take that these bills are, they're like built to win the super bowl. The game in Los Angeles. They, they're probably not built to win playoff games, multiple playoff games and the cold. But if they can get to the super bowl, I think they can win the super bowl.

Lamar Jackson should not have made the Pro Bowl over Joe Burrow and Josh Allen

Lamar Jackson should not have made the Pro Bowl. Lamar Jackson made the Pro Bowl over Joe Burrow and Josh Allen. That's crazy to me. That's fucking crazy. Like by any statistical analysis, Josh Allen and Joe Burrow have had better seasons than Lamar Jackson.

Josh Johnson is the best emergency quarterback in NFL history

He's a mercenary. He's like, he's probably the best emergency quarterback of all time. I don't know what it is about Josh Johnson. Why he's never had a team that wants to commit to them... If there's, if you had to draft quarterbacks, like of all time for one guy that you would want on three days' notice, I think Josh Johnson is one, one overall.

Joe Burrow has the 'it factor' because of his elite pocket awareness and ability to sense pressure

Joe Burrow, who's going to be a superstar... it's all about his ability to just move in the pocket and sense pressure. Like either guys have it or they don't. What makes a guy have that it factor? It's can he—does he feel like he has eyes in the back of his head when he can slide up with an oncoming rusher coming at him? And he has that.

Losing sucks, and I love the Harbaughs because they are 'bad losers' who get depressed and complain when they lose

The Harbaughs are such, I love them so much, but they are so blinded by competitive rage when they lose... I actually love that about them because way too often in life, people like you gotta be a good loser. No, fuck it. Losing sucks. Don't be a good loser. Be a bad loser. ... They become depressed. They become sad human beings. They yell about the rules. They're not good losers, and I actually love that about them.

There has never been a quarterback who was average in college and went on to be a superstar in the NFL

There's never been a quarterback in the history of football who was average in college and then went on to be a superstar in the NFL. It doesn't happen. Like you don't, you're not just like, oh, okay at Duke, and then all of a sudden you're a franchise quarterback. The guys who are franchise quarterbacks looked good in college at some point.

Using a top-10 draft pick on a tight end is only for teams looking for the last piece of the puzzle, not the first

Using a top 10 pick on a tight end, unless it's a guy like [Rob Gronkowski] where who can dominate the blocking game and the catching game... if you're the Falcons, you've probably got some other issues that you might wish that you have addressed at that point instead of tight end. ... A tight end feels like the last piece to a puzzle, not the first piece.

Jalen Hurts is not a long-term solution at quarterback for the Eagles

[Jalen Hurts] is gonna make some really good plays with his legs... and he shows he's shown us that he does that consistently. But I mean, I just don't think that's like a long lasting plan.

The future of the Washington Football Team is on an upward trajectory under Ron Rivera

The future of the organization is looking at an upward trajectory for Washington. I believe in Ron Rivera. I mean, he did it, he had the Carolina Panthers, you know, a pretty good football team for a long time.

Wide receivers are transitioning from college to the NFL at a higher rate than ever before

I think that receivers are actually transitioning at a higher rate in these last five, six years than they have ever before... a lot of these guys, there's so much more information now for younger players on how to train, what kind of drills to train.

Russell Wilson is punishing DK Metcalf for his personal life off the field

[DK Metcalf] got his shit aired out by some thought who was like, oh, DK, didn't make me sign an NDA. So I'm going to put this all over Snapchat and tell the world that he was asking me for a foursome. And now that news came out now, Russell doesn't pass it... He's punishing DK for being a red blooded American male.

The Bears should fire everyone from the front office to the owner and replace them with a real football president

The bears are just a dumpster fire. It's top down... The fact that George McCaskey has Ted Phillips and accountant making football decisions... they need to strip it down. Not only front office, not only coach, but like ownership, like all of it.

Patrick Mahomes is missing throws that he hasn't missed in a very long time

The [Chiefs] are getting hot at the right time when their defense is playing well. That's scary. Their offense still isn't there. They're still missing little fundamental things. And I've seen Patrick Mahomes miss some throws you haven't seen him miss in a very long time.

The Colts are a Super Bowl contender because of their opportunistic defense and special teams

I like Indianapolis. That defense is, they got 31 takeaways... They're just so opportunistic on defense. They can stop the run... They have a special teams [block punt]... they're a tough football team.

The 49ers are Super Bowl contenders because Jimmy Garoppolo is a winner and their defense is flying

I'm going with the Niners. I like the way the Niners play. [Jimmy Garoppolo]'s been there, man. And everyone wants to hate on him... The guy who wins football games. You get it to Kittle, if Kittle stays healthy, Deebo Samuel stays healthy... if you watch that defense man, they're playing real well. They're flying right now.

The Washington Football Team will beat the Eagles 13-9 with Garrett Gilbert at quarterback

I feel like it's shock the world time. Oh see, you're predicting a win. I'm thinking 13, 9, 13, 9 tonight the Washington football team over the Philadelphia Eagles.

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially cursed for failing to tweet the final score of their losses

The Arizona Cardinals just did not tweet the final score after they lost the lions... I'm demanding they treat the final score. I don't think they ever will... It's going to be a dangerous all out battle... as far as I'm concerned, the lions have one. An official.

There are six or seven definitively good teams in the NFL right now

I like how everyone's like there's parity. There's no one [good]—I totally disagree. There are like probably six or seven teams that are definitively good. It's the Cowboys, the Bucs, the Packers, the Chiefs, the Patriots, and then throw in the Colts... maybe even the Rams.

I am betting on the Colts to beat the Cardinals out of spite for the Cardinals' Twitter account

I'm going with the Colts, pick them right now... I'll take them as minus a half... the Cardinals need to lose this game and they have to be forced to tweet about it. Yes. Otherwise I like, whatever, I'll stick with it. I think it's been so long that they're cursed no matter what.

Aaron Rodgers is faking his toe injury

Aaron Rodgers is faking his toe injury.

The Baltimore Ravens have a better chance of winning with Tyler Huntley than Lamar Jackson

I feel like the Ravens have a better chance of beating the Bengals with Huntley than they do with Lamar. And not because Lamar is a worse player overall. But I think that whatever offense they're running with Huntley rocks, it's clicking for some reason right now.

Bill Belichick controls the game by keeping it low scoring when he 'needs' to win

My favorite under is Bills, Patriots 43 and a half. I think it's going to be another under game. Belichick likes to keep it low scoring when he really needs to win. And I think this is a need to win for the Patriots.