Takes

Free Bob Baffert

Either way, free Bob Baffert. There's a lot of things wrong with horse racing. Bob Baffert isn't one of them.

Tim Tebow signing with the Jaguars is a 'big joke' and he can't play tight end

This is an interesting signing, and it's a stupid signing. And I will absolutely say that this is a big joke because he can't play. He couldn't play quarterback. He was a terrible quarterback. He hasn't played since 2012. He's going to be 34 years old, and he has no suddenness to his game. He can't play tight end.

The NBA should make dunks worth three points to fix the league's geometry

I actually think the NBA is going to have to adopt that dunks being worth three in order to change the geometry of what's happening in the NBA right now. First and foremost is you have to stop people from attacking the rim, right?

Medina Spirit is a junkie horse

I put the blame on the horse. You can't just make excuses. The horse likes doing drugs, obviously. As our 45th president called it, it's a junkie horse.

Healthy workplaces should allow fighting to increase productivity

I think that healthy workplaces should allow fighting. Like if you get into a fight, if you know that fisticuffs are on the table and you can fight in the first 30 minutes of your Workday, you'll probably end up having more productive day after that, you're going to get all your frustration out.

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for the greatest underdog story ever with his injury excuses

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for one of the greatest underdog stories of all time... LeBron James came back from his ankle injury. Bron James said, on his first game back... getting back to 100% is impossible. I don't think I'll ever be back to 100% in my career. Poor little LeBron James is just out there.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a hobby to stay alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

Aaron Rodgers should go on a public hunger strike to get traded

Aaron Rodgers, I know you listen to the show... do a public hunger strike. Have a live cam on you, do a stream and prove that you're not going to eat anything until either they fire this guy [Gutenkunst] or you get traded to whatever. If anybody's the type of personality to try doing like a Gandhi technique, it's Aaron Rodgers.

Justin Fields is better than Aaron Rodgers

I don't fucking care. Justin Fields is a better quarterback than Aaron Rodgers anyway.

Justin Fields is the best football player in the draft but only the fifth best quarterback

A take that I'm kind of squatting on, because I haven't heard anybody say it. I don't actually believe this. But it'd be cool to hear somebody say, and I feel like it might be coming, just saying that Justin Fields is the best football player in this draft, but he's the fifth best quarterback.

Long-haired quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls

Are you concerned that his [Trevor Lawrence's] hair is too long because long-haired quarterbacks don't win Super Bowls? ... It's basically, I think Kenny Stabler is the only one. And he was a little shaggy. I wouldn't call it long hair.

Joel Embiid's missed full-court heave against the Suns is the best shot in NBA history.

I don't care that it didn't go in. I think that is the best shot... that's the best shot in NBA history. ... The process of that shot, I'm not going to base whether or not it was a good shot off if it went in. ... The most incredible thing I've ever seen on a basketball court.

The European Super League would actually have been sweet because of the high-level matchups.

The Super League kind of would have been sweet. ... Imagine if there was just a Wednesday, like every Wednesday afternoon, just the best teams in the world playing each other. ... would you watch because it's going to be sweet. They'd be like, yeah, I'd watch. ... It would have been fucking sweet.

America deserves all the credit for killing the European Super League

In order to kill something so evil as the Super League, you have to create it. So shouldn't Americans get credit for creating something that the world can get behind and [kill]? We did this. We created and killed it, so we deserve all the credit. Specifically this show and generally America.

I would literally kill Jake Paul in a boxing ring

Jake Paul's 5'7"? If I got into a ring with him, I'd literally kill him... I'm just bad enough of a boxer that he'd take the fight because he's like, oh, this guy looks big, but he's not that good of a boxer. So he like I might beat him.

Penei Sewell is not a surefire Hall of Famer and I would take several 2020 tackles over him

I think Penei Sewell is a really good player, but I don't think he's kind of the Hall of Fame level player that he's been described as. I'm a little bit on an island from a media standpoint, but I know there's a lot of teams that feel that way. I like him. I like Slater better than him... the top three tackles last year for me were Becton, Wirfs, and Wills. Those three guys, I would take them over Penei.

J-Lo should buy the New York Mets as an all-time flex on A-Rod

You know what would be an all-time flex if J-Lo went out and she bought the New York Mets? If she invested in it.

Trevor Lawrence does not actually like football

[Trevor Lawrence] actually doesn't like football, which means that he's never fought to keep playing football. And he's going to get to a point in the NFL for the first time in his life where he's never had to play hard to keep playing football.

Hideki Matsuyama should serve blowfish liver at the Champions Dinner next year

If I'm Hideki, I serve blowfish liver and let the chips fall where they may maybe thin out the field a little bit. See who gets poisoned.

Maryland basketball's success is cheap because it's built on transfer portal 'mercenaries'

Do you think that your success next year, which I'm sure you guys will have tons of success at Maryland, is cheapened by the fact that it's all transfers? ... Classy and honorable to talk to a kid when he's 12 years old and keep talking to him until he goes to your college, and then you win with him as opposed to getting just a mercenary from another school.

Bryson DeChambeau looks fat when he is playing poorly

When you're bigger and you're doing well, you're strong. And when you're doing poorly, you're fat. And he looks fat today. Not to body shame, but there's something about the plus four next to his name that the strength now becomes a little pudgy.

Brooks Koepka playing the Masters on one leg is the most heroic thing ever

Brooks is playing on basically one leg. It's probably the most heroic thing I've ever seen in any sport ever. And again, we're not making excuses. We're not biased. We're stating facts. This is like Willis Reed. This is Kirk Gibson.

LeBron James never would have won the 2020 title if fans were in the stands

LeBron. Because he never would have won a title if there were fans. Seriously.

If a play is cool enough, it should not be a penalty or a foul

If it took place in a basketball game or in a football game, if it's cool enough, it should not be a penalty or a foul. Correct. Secondly, I also think that if you are the type of person that's going to well actually a great play like that, you should have a great play taken away from you as well.

Major colleges shorten their tracks to fake faster 40-yard dash times during Pro Days

I think that the major programs out there are making a section of their practice fields where the hash marks are slightly closer together. So the place where they have them run the 40-yard dashes at their own pro days, it's actually slightly less than 40 yards, which would make them time out better.

The tight end is the new quarterback in the NFL

I think if you look at teams that won Super Bowls recently, you can go through the list. They all have dominant tight ends. Is the tight end the new quarterback? They're game changers because tight ends are the best.

Oregon State is the greatest team of all time

Oregon State, Loyola Chicago. Oregon State is just the greatest team of all time. And I'm going to say that about pretty much every team, just be warned that I don't have a lot in my repertoire right now, but they are the greatest team as of right now.

Rajon Rondo was the main reason the Lakers won the 2020 NBA title

Rondo really was the reason why they won the title. [Rondo] the LeBron stopper. People forget, Rondo really was the reason why they won the title.

Creighton will upset #1 overall seed Gonzaga in the Sweet 16

I think they're [Gonzaga] getting upset. Yep. Against Creighton? Yep. With the P-word [Greg McDermott's plantation comment]? Yep.

Rondale Moore is a Super Bowl-winning weapon if used in space

If you draft Rondale Moore, get him in space, Super Bowl. We're trying to get more touches with Rondale Moore. That's all it takes.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

Buddy Boeheim should be the #1 pick for the Houston Rockets and will be a 10-time NBA All-Star

Buddy Boeheim would be my number one pick if I were the Houston Rockets. Buddy Boeheim, dude, he can't miss. He's shooting 55% from three... I'm telling you, he is going to be a 10-time All-Star in the NBA.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

The NFC East is going to be dangerous this year

The entire NFC East is getting dangerous. The Beast, baby... We're Joaquin Phoenix's Joker. You guys all laughed at us last year. Now we're about to just flip out and shoot everybody.

A Gonzaga national title counts as a victory for the Big Ten because of Jalen Suggs

Gonzaga's best player, Jalen Suggs, where's he from? Minnesota. That's a Big Ten win if Gonzaga wins. This is Richard Pitino's fault for not keeping him in state. He's a football player, he's the most Big Ten player that's ever not played in the Big Ten. I am officially a Gonzaga fan because they are part of the Big Ten.

Georgetown is not 'back' just because they won four games in the Big East tournament

The love affair with Patrick Ewing was disgusting this weekend. He got hot against a really bad Marquette team, a Nova team that basically is all injured... this idea that he's building something and this is the culmination. They had a good week. They had a good four games... I'm going to bet against Georgetown in the world.

If Baker Mayfield wins a Super Bowl for Cleveland, he will be more beloved than LeBron James

What if Baker wins a Super Bowl for the Browns? I feel like that elevates him above LeBron because he never left. Baker never left.

Bill Belichick is the only person who can convince Jack Easterby to trade Deshaun Watson

The second that that Russell Wilson put the New York Jets on his hypothetical list... something different is happening... Bill Belichick could exert influence and like do mind control shit on Jack Easterby. And he's probably the only person in the NFL that could convince him to change his mind and deal Deshaun [Watson]... if Bill agreed to finance a megachurch with Jack Easterby's name on it in Houston, Texas... I guarantee you Jack Easterby makes that deal right now.

Pardon My Take is in danger because Rex Chapman is starting a sports podcast

My fire fest is we're fucked boys and girls. Pardon My Take is fucked because Rex Chapman is doing his own sports podcast... I don't think that there's any chance that we can compete with Rex just saying like, 'We don't deserve dogs, brah.'

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Trevor Lawrence is just a 6'6" version of Tate Martell who has kept a 'mirage' going.

My take about Trevor Lawrence is that he is basically Tate Martell. But since he's taller, because Tate Martell undefeated in high school, greatest quarterback recruit ever, the only difference is Trevor Lawrence is 6'6", not 5'11", and he's been able to keep the mirage up.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Peak Julius Randle is better than peak Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am. I kind of agree with that.

Max Homa should be cancelled for not wearing red and black in honor of Tiger Woods

We have a stay classy for our guy, Max Homa, who did not wear red on Sunday in honor of Tiger Woods. Shame. Who does he think he is? ... Max, you're cancelled.

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K

And all you haters out there that told me I was an idiot when I said Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K, he doesn't get the shine, this is just another market in my favor on this.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

The Raiders are the biggest losers of the Wentz trade because they wouldn't part with Derek Carr

I'd say that the losers of this trade would be the Raiders. The Raiders lost this trade because the Colts tried to get Derek Carr first, and the Raiders were like, no, we're not going to part with Derek Carr. That's a loss for the Raiders right there.