Takes

Mac Jones will be a bust because he is crying in his DUI mugshot

I like my quarterbacks when they get a mug shot to not have a little cry in their eyes. Oh, he's sad in it? Yeah, look it up. He's got a tiny bit of cry in his eyes. So I'm saying bust just on that. Just based on that.

Mac Jones is only the best backup quarterback prospect in the 2021 draft

Mac Jones is the best backup quarterback in this draft at the next level. He projects to be a top-tier, long-term backup.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

ESPN's new hockey coverage will feature a 'safe' and poor imitation of Ryan Whitney or Paul Bissonnette

My prediction is that they're going to need to find somebody to fill like the Paul Bissonette, Ryan Whitney. There's definitely a meeting going on right now at ESPN where they're like, 'we need to get our Biz Nasty or Ryan Whitney of our own on ESPN.' But, you know, like a little safer than them. And they're going to go out there and try to find somebody. And it's going to be the worst impression of Paul Bissonette and Ryan Whitney that they have on the set.

It is safe to stop wearing masks outside now

My hot seat is anyone who's still wearing masks outside. We're good. CDC said we don't have to do it anymore. Which I don't want to say not to brag, but I called it. But last week, my sunglasses were getting fogged up. And I was like, I think I'm done wearing a mask outside.

Jalen Mayfield is a 'dumpy' prospect who will have to move from tackle to guard in the NFL due to his arm size

Jalen Mayfield... is your classic, like bad body guy, but he's a better football player. As far as offensive tackles arm size, you're going to want to see 34 inches and above; I believe [Jalen] Mayfield's like 32 and change. So that kind of limits him. He's probably going to move inside to guard because his arms aren't really a required size to play on the outside.

Justin Fields is the 'Red Star' guy of the 2021 draft who will not bust

My red star guy, honestly, Justin Fields. I think everyone's overthinking Justin Fields. The fact that he's not going to be a top three quarterback... This guy's not going to bust. I know that this guy is legit. He's the guy we should draft on our team. I'm fully vouching for this guy.

Rashod Bateman will translate instantly to the NFL as a successful receiver

Rashod Bateman, wide receiver out of Minnesota... He's just a guy that separation as far as route running, catching over the middle stuff. He's going to translate instantly. He's probably going to be a second round guy, maybe a late first, but Rashod Bateman would be my red star guy.

Devonta Smith will not be a top 10 pick in the NFL Draft

I had the take during the national championship... I think Devonta Smith is going to be awesome, but I cannot see a team spending a top 10 pick on a 175 pound wide receiver... drafting traits over production... Devontae Smith just does not have the frame.

DeVonta Smith does not have the physical frame to add significant weight in the NFL

DeVonta Smith officially [weighed in] a couple weeks ago at 166 pounds. He had several months to gain weight and puff up. He got to 166. So he was several pounds below that. DeVonta Smith just does not have the frame to add more weight because he had several months to do so and still couldn't do it. I don't see how he gets into an NFL program and then all of a sudden gets to like 185 or 190. He just needs more sand.

Mac Jones is the 'Coach Killer' of the 2021 draft for Kyle Shanahan

It is Mac Jones because – It is, from what we've heard, Kyle Shanahan versus the personnel department in San Francisco... If Mac Jones does not turn out and Trey Lance and or Justin Fields turns out to be a very good player, we could be witnessing the beginning of the end to Kyle Shanahan.

Joe Tryon has the 'body beautiful' that scouts look for in an edge rusher

On defense, we're going to look at an edge rusher out of Washington... Joe Tryon. I mean, he's just 6'5", 260, muscled up. He's exactly what you'd want to look for as far as body beautiful. That dude's wrapped.

The Bears will draft Kyle Trask and he will be a bust

I'm calling it right now. They're going to draft Kyle Trask, and then he's going to stink, and [Big Cat's] life will be made a living hell by a quarterback who sucks that looks exactly like Billy Football.

Jon Gruden would trade his entire draft for Derrick Henry

I feel like it might be [Jon] Gruden. He might do it for Derrick Henry just because of his size. I feel like Gruden is a guy that respects mass.

Arthur Smith's family wealth proves his genuine love for football

His dad is the CEO of FedEx and he could have just been rich. Instead, he's like, I want to grind tape and be an offensive coordinator for a bunch of years and then hopefully get the dignity of being able to stand on the sidelines as my team collapses... it's pretty fair to say that he loves football.

Jake Paul 'owns' Dana White by exposing UFC fighter pay disparity

The reason why I say Jake Paul kind of owns Dana White a little bit, he got Dana White to talk about him in the post-fight press conference... he points out that he has made more money than every other UFC fighter before him. Except for Khabib and McGregor... basically he is like, Dana, why don't you pay your guys so they don't have to come fight me and make their big payday?

MMA fighters should start wearing shin guards in professional fights

They should make the shin kicks illegal. Or make them wear shin guards like they do in other MMA sports... I think literally guys are just kicking so hard the shin can't evolve fast enough.

Pitchers who get upset about batters celebrating home runs are 'soft'

[Trevor Bauer] said, I like it. Pitchers who have that done to them and react by throwing at people or getting upset and hitting people or whatever, I think it's pretty soft. If you give up a homer, a guy should celebrate it... I'm all for it, and I think it's important that the game moves in that direction.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.

Counterfeiting $2 bills is a genius idea because people don't know what they look like

One of my dumbest slash maybe most genius ideas is to counterfeit $2 bills because no one actually knows what they look like. And no one would ever think you'd counterfeit a $2 bill. So if you just counterfeited all the $2 bills, I think you'd be able to...

There are more complete-game one-hitters than no-hitters in MLB history

I'll bet that there's more [complete game one-hitters]. I'm not a math guy, but I'm rolling with math on this one.

Novelty drinks are back and I will order them every time they're on a menu

My who's back of the week is novelty drinks. Novelty drinks are back big time. If there's a novelty drink that's on the menu, I'm going to order it every single time. I'm talking like a punch bowl style thing or a margarita that's got a beer upside down in it.

Chad Ochocinco flexing about maintaining a 2.2 GPA is hilarious

Shadow Tricinco replied, I caught the bus to school, then went to football practice, caught the bus to McDonald's for a six-hour shift, all while maintaining a 2.2 GPA and being a star athlete. Chad, I don't know if he was joking or not, but that is such a hilarious flex to be like, look how hard I worked, and I fucking rocked nothing but, like, C's.

Zach Wilson will be drafted number two overall by the Jets

I know for a fact Zach Wilson is going number two overall to the Jets.

Kyle Shanahan wants to draft Mac Jones while the Niners personnel staff prefers Trey Lance

What I'm told is, and from people that I really trust in the league, is that the personnel department would like to take Trey Lance from North Dakota State. But Kyle Shanahan, the head coach, wants to take Mac Jones.

The Falcons are likely to draft Kyle Pitts at number four

I've talked to another really reliable source that thinks that they're going to take Kyle Pitts, the tight end from Florida. So it could be quarterback, quarterback, quarterback for the first three picks. And then Pitts, the tight end, could come off the board at number four to Atlanta.

The Patriots are more likely to trade back than trade up in the first round

I don't think [trading up] is going to be New England based on my sources. I think New England is more likely to trade back than they are to move up.

Washington, Chicago, and New England all have interest in drafting Davis Mills in the second round

I'm told Washington, Chicago, and New England all have interest in [Davis Mills] in the second round. [David Shaw] said he's the closest thing that we've had since [Andrew Luck] in terms of physical tools.

Long-haired quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls

Are you concerned that his [Trevor Lawrence's] hair is too long because long-haired quarterbacks don't win Super Bowls? ... It's basically, I think Kenny Stabler is the only one. And he was a little shaggy. I wouldn't call it long hair.

Jason Oweh is the most difficult evaluation in the draft due to zero sacks

Jason Oweh from Penn State to me is one of the hardest evaluations simply because if you can't get a sack as an edge rusher, then what are we doing here? ... All butt, no sack.

The Disney 'wokeness' critic is a compelling weirdo

I actually think this guy might rule. I think he might rule. I think I might be a fan of his... the fact that he spends this much time thinking about Disney is weird, but also kind of cool because it's just cool to be that excited about anything.

The NFL stashed the Justin Fields epilepsy story to drop it during a slow news week before the draft

If the draft wasn't pushed back this far, we might never have found out about it... They're like, hey, the week before, let's drop the epilepsy story. We're going to stash that one away because people are going to be starved for some news.

Two quarterbacks will be drafted immediately after Mac Jones goes off the board.

I think that there's going to be, after Mac goes, I think that it's just going to be two quarterbacks immediately after him.

I am skeptical of Nick Sirianni because he self-leaked the rock-paper-scissors draft story.

He put the news out there that he was evaluating draft prospects by asking them to play rock, paper, scissors against them... I would have liked this story if someone else had reported it... but the fact that he put it out there, he's like, look at this cool, smart, awesome football guy thing that I did... I'm officially skeptical of Nick Sirianni at this point.

The Portland State basketball coach is a 'football guy' because he takes metaphors literally

Football guys, and I know he's a basketball coach, but he is a football guy... the biggest thing with them is they take metaphors literally. They're like Amelia Bedelia. He probably when they read Animal Farm they were probably like that's a crazy story about pigs talking.

Professional sports owners should be required to run their own team Twitter accounts

I actually think that every NFL owner should be the only people that tweet from the main account. Every tweet should be... there should not be communication staff. It should be directly from the brain of that owner.

Mark Davis will eventually have to sell the Raiders because he won't be able to afford the inheritance tax.

And then when Mark gets the team, he's not going to have the money to pay the inheritance tax on it. Correct. And so he'll have to sell that team.

The 6-foot mark is the new 'height shaming' frontier in the NFL

This is like a very important moment in height shaming where if six feet becomes the new height that you can shame, everyone under is very fucked. So you need to like defend the wall.

Joel Embiid's missed full-court heave against the Suns is the best shot in NBA history.

I don't care that it didn't go in. I think that is the best shot... that's the best shot in NBA history. ... The process of that shot, I'm not going to base whether or not it was a good shot off if it went in. ... The most incredible thing I've ever seen on a basketball court.

Patrick Mahomes' diving incompletion in Super Bowl LV is the best throw ever made on a football field.

Patrick Mahomes touchdown throw that didn't count. Yeah, the best throw I've ever seen on a football field.

Nikola Jokic is the NBA MVP.

Jokic is our MVP. I was reminded we're nuggets podcast. ... 7% credit. All I was saying was I was just throwing it out there.

We are in the golden age of fans eating shit in the stands at baseball games.

I think we are in a golden age that we have to appreciate right this second with spaced out seating to just see awesome videos of people eating shit because think about it usually there's fans so you're not going to go for a ball right... Now it's just selling out.

The sports world has forgotten about Saquon Barkley.

I think we've forgotten about Saquon Barkley. I just haven't heard his name a lot... I'm not trying to make a grand point or anything out of this. I'm just saying that I feel like as a nation we've forgotten about Saquon.

I will buy and wear Chris Paul's signature shoes out of spite for Blake Griffin

Maybe I'm a Chris Paul fan... I'm going to start wearing [his shoes]. All right, let's get to our interview.

I am going to make people know who Jeremy Smith is for once by fighting him.

I'm going to box. I'm going to fight. I'm going to make people know who the fuck Jeremy Smith is for once. ... and I'm going to make some money.

WWE's X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bar fight.

I feel like X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bucket. He just wants some action, yeah. He just wants the fight, yeah.

You have to pick Jeremy 'Dynamite' Smith over Hornswoggle in Rough and Rowdy 14

After hearing [Hornswoggle] talk about the fight, when looking at the play Barstool, you have to pick between him or Dynamite. You got to pick Dynamite. Especially after the Ben Askren thing.

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce pint

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce what you put a thing of ice cream in or a liter of beer.

Hank's greatest hits: Thailand, Ob-jen, Pint, Post Mostly, Super Relatives

What are Hank's greatest hits? There's Thailand. There's Ob-jen. Pint. Post Mostly. Super Relatives.

My worst one was island gorilla — I thought it was a lowland gorilla from the island

My personal opinion, the worst one was island gorilla... Lowland gorilla. Oh yeah. You thought it was the gorilla from Des Moines? How sick would Iowa be if there were just wild gorillas rolling through the country?