Takes

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Chip Kelly will try to steal someone's job as a behind-the-scenes villain at Alabama

If there's somebody who's able to undermine and sneak around and steal somebody's job, it's definitely Chip. Chip is a behind-the-scenes Shakespearean villain. He's going to be doing everything that he can to make sure he gets that job.

Alabama could win 10 games with my dick as offensive coordinator

At the very least, Chip's going to win 10 games at Alabama because Alabama could win 10 games with my dick at offensive coordinator.

Phil Jackson is only at the Knicks because James Dolan is a sucker

I respect [Phil Jackson] for spotting the sucker in the room and basically saying, oh, James Dolan wants me to come and work for him, and I don't have to move, and I don't have to do anything, and he's going to pay me millions of dollars. What's the worst going to happen?

NFL security is on the hot seat for letting PFT Commenter sneak into Media Night

Hot seat is is NFL security. The I mean, the all of the bands, the pronouncements that NFL makes and and PFT just waltzes right right in.

Vegas will be taken by storm once Brent Musburger moves there

Hot seat, I have Las Vegas. Brent Musburger is opening up a handicapping company in Las Vegas. So if you think that he's going to move out to the desert and not take that place by storm, then you haven't been watching television for the past 50 years.

Michael Vick's legacy is secure as one of the best quarterbacks ever

I'm just going to throw it out there. I think Michael Vick's legacy is secure. He's one of the best quarterbacks ever.

Lacrosse will be a top-tier major sport within 10 to 15 years

Cool throne lacrosse. I might have been in two. I've been a little early. I said there's 30 years. It's looking more like 10 to 15... I mean, it's like the hottest thing. It's like number one thing on SportsCenter.

I hate that the NCAA is releasing top 16 seeds in mid-February

They are now going to try to drum up a little more intrigue to the NCAA tournament. So they're going to release the top 16 seeds starting mid-February... I hate that. Takes a little bit out of it. One of the great things about that tournament was I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it until that Sunday night.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

The NFL draft process will pick apart college kids' characters for minor things like smoking weed or their parents' divorce

As soon as college football ends, it's draft season... We've got to pick apart these 21-year-olds, really dig into it. Stuff like, have you smoked weed? Do your teammates like you? Is your mother a prostitute? ... Did your parents get divorced because of you?

NFL teams should hire Jeff Ireland as an outside consultant to ask prospects the toughest questions at the combine

I think that they should, every team, in order to limit liability in the NFL draft at the combine, they should hire Jeff Ireland as an outside consultant... just to come in and ask those real tough questions.

The Chicago Bears will win the Super Bowl next year

Alshon Jeffrey guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. So you get one year now, a little more than one year, 13 months. Go ahead and keep doubting. He guaranteed it. He guaranteed the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl next year.

Sam Bradford had the best season for a quarterback in NFL history because of his completion percentage

Congratulations. Sam Bradford, best quarterback in NFL history, best season. His QB rating was the sixth overall. I'm just saying, I think Vikings fans would actually have my back on this. That trade wasn't that bad.

Donald Trump has nothing to worry about and will serve two full terms as President

So [Trump] met with Kanye today... And Kanye tweeted after he was originally going to run in 2020. He's not going to run until 2024... So Trump is good. Trump has nothing to worry about. Two terms. Eight years. The only thing holding him back from not being president is now over.

A college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays

So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

The 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up

Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will spend the next ten years as a premier NFL backup

He's got another 10 years in this league as a backup. ... You get your name out there as a starter for four games. Little film. All of a sudden... You're one of the premier backups in the league.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

More football is always better, so everyone complaining about Thursday Night Football should shut up

I would need people on Twitter, all the nerds out there who keep complaining about Thursday night: Shut up. More football is always better. Don't do this. You're ruining it. I hate people who are like, Thursday night football sucks. Guess what? It's better than no football.

Raiders fans fighting doesn't stick out as much now because the team is actually winning.

Raiders fans fighting because the Raiders are good. So it doesn't stick out as much. It used to be like, damn, the Raiders suck. All that we ever see is Raiders fans fighting. Now it's like, oh, Derek Carr's pretty fun.

The next Texas head coach is already on the hot seat

My hot seat, the next Texas coach. Just throw him on the hot seat right away. Because guess what? Texas winning culture. Haven't won in a while.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

If Brad Stevens became available, Indiana would fire Tom Crean immediately

I don't think it would matter if Indiana was good or not. If Brad Stevens became available... You just fired Tom Crean. Yeah, Tom Crean is gone.

The Steelers are on the Hot Seat because they are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running. Pittsburgh needs to get back to running the ball and stopping the run.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

Butch Jones is on the hot seat at Tennessee

My Hot Seat's Butch Jones. South Carolina took the big L to them. He's had a rough season. They had some national championship hopes. They've lost a lot of games, so I think he's on the hot seat.

Next year is finally Tennessee's year and Butch Jones needs one more season

I'm going to say that you've got to give Butch Jones one more year. He's got a good recruiting class, and next year is Tennessee's year. I really think so.

Jeff Fisher will start Jared Goff in the next three to four weeks to avoid being fired

I'm going to call my shot. Within, I'm going to say, three or four weeks, depending on the record, I think Jeff Fisher is going to make the call. He's going to move Jared Goff up. And at that point, you can't fire a coach when he's developing a quarterback. So that's going to buy him two more years.

Jay Cutler is on the Cool Throne for the foreseeable future in Chicago

Well, considering the fact that Brian Hoyer is out for the year, Connor Shaw is out for the year, Matt Barkley, who knew that he was in the NFL until he came in for a couple plays, I think Jay Cutler is cool throne for a while here. Finally, some continuity at quarterback for Chicago.

Arian Foster retired because he is an atheist and quit football on a Monday

My hot seat is atheism... Arian Foster quit last night. He's an atheist. Straight up quit. People don't talk about him being an atheist, but he quit football. Nice of an atheist to give up on a Monday instead of giving up on Sundays for the change.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

The Cleveland Indians can play with 'house money' for the next decade because they won a title in 2016

The [Indians] are in the championship series. So as far as Cleveland goes, the whole city could just go to shit even more for the next six to 12 years, and they're still playing with house money at this point. They've had as much success this year as they could expect to have for the next decade.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Buccaneers GM Jason Licht is on the hot seat for drafting a kicker in the second round

I guess now my hot seat is going to be Jason Licht, the GM for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for drafting a kicker in the second round. Kind of a tough move on his part.

The Indians logo is back on the hot seat because the team is actually winning

Hot seat, Indians logo. They're going to be in the ALCS, and that means the Indians logo is going to be on the hot seat again... If you stay bad, no one cares that your logo is offensive.

Dak Prescott might have won the Cowboys' starting job for good

Dak Prescott might have won that job. And if Tony Romo doesn't play, he doesn't get injured.

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid. Andy Reid, I bet, is like when your dog gets wet and smells awful. You don't want a wet Andy Reid.

Jeff Fisher has at least two games of security before returning to the hot seat

Cool throne, Jeff Fisher. He's got at least two games before he's back on the hot seat.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries: talented, scary, and prone to freak-outs

Russell Westbrook is the Germany. Germany is the Russell Westbrook of players. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.