Takes

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

I already talked about the push-off — let's talk about a woman or the Keystone pipeline

No, I done said all of that already. Let's talk about something else. What are you going to talk about? A woman or the Keystone pipeline. What do y'all think about that?

What's the shades on inside for? I can't say what that makes me think

What's the shades on inside for? It make me think, you know what it make me think. I can't say what it make me think.

The US Postal Service should not deliver mail on Sundays; let the workers be with their families

why in the hell do the U.S. Postal Service deliver on Sunday anyway. Last time I checked, they broke as hell. So if anybody out there wants to know, I'm sending this to the U.S. Post Service. Please, our dear government, let the workers spend time with their family on Sunday... The U.S. Postal Service should not be delivered on Sunday anyway.

You guys are too uptight for me — you need to relax

You might need to relax a little bit. You guys are too uptight for me.

Weight training helped my shooting touch because it made the game easier

I got serious about weight training, probably my second year at Tech... You're looking around, and weight training wasn't huge then. You know, it's a myth out there about weight training. Don't lift, you're going to throw your shot out. What I would always do was lift before practice. So when you go out there and shoot, you get your touchback. And believe it or not, when you had me, when I added weight training, my shot and everything was easier for me because I was strong.

The NBA would have been forced to change the rules if Shaq or Charles Barkley had taken weight lifting seriously

Can you imagine if Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal would have took weight training serious? With Shaquille, they would have changed the rules. He was already – you know, you're talking about country strong? Him. But Charles Barkley, for what he could do, can you imagine if he would have took weight training serious? I don't ever – I could be wrong. I don't think Charles left a weight in his life.

Comparing the physicality of the modern NBA to the 90s is absolute nonsense

Stop the nonsense. Don't compare what's happening now to back then. What are you talking about? ... analytics right now. That's all they talk about. Analytics. Sprinkle some analytics in there. But all this, hold on. You know, my hat not getting hot. I'm just I almost got a migraine just then thinking about players resting.

If an NBA player needs to rest for 'load management', they should do it at home, not on the road

let's make a rule right now... if you're going to rest, rest at home in front of your season ticket holder... The emphasis have to be or should be back on the fans and less of the athlete because we're going to do what we do.

I have an African gray parrot named Lisa and she was about to start talking during this interview

I have an African gray named Lisa. And if you're not careful with, she's going to say something. My son, KJ, just moved her over there because she's about to start talking.

Coach Sloan's pick-and-roll instruction: 'slap dicks'

As my Coach Sloan would say, get some fucking meat on the guy, would you? Slap dicks. That's what Coach Sloan used to say.

The Dream Team was so good we had to write down the names of the people whose asses we kicked so we didn't kick the same ass twice

we realized not being arrogant or cocky was we got 12 other baddest son of a bitch on the planet playing this game, but we happen to be teammates. We're here to kick ass, take names, and the asses that we kick, we wrote a name down so we didn't kick that same ass twice.

Competitive fire is like that old pimple on your ass that you can't get

You know that old pimple on your ass that you can't get but it's just right under the surface? That's our fuse bird. We're just right there.

Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, and Charles Barkley were all more talented than me, but I outworked them

I'm going to tell you three guys that have more talent than Karl Malone. Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, Charles Barkley. More talent. More talent. But they did not outwork me. I will never use the word he was better than me. More talented is different, right? I look and say, I can't do his position and he can't do mine... More talent? Yes. Worked harder? No.

You aren't a real wrestling fan because you didn't actually wrestle; I'm trained and I live my dreams

Don't try to say you're a wrestling fan. You didn't wrestle. I'm trained. I live my dreams... you're not a wrestling fan. I'm a wrestling fan. I wrestle. I live my dreams. Don't try to say you're a wrestling fan.

I'm a blue-blooded American — I don't have to do a documentary if I don't want to

Because I'm a blue-blooded American, and I say I don't want to do it, David, I don't have to do it.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

We should fix the ozone layer by spraying ozone from a giant aerosol can in space like Flex Seal

just put ozone in an aerosol can and spray it up into the sky. I'm pretty sure I solved that. And no one's done it. Like, why not? ... We'll put someone up in a fucking spaceship with a huge aerosol can, and they just spray it on, like Flex Seal for the ozone.

I would run a Mike Leach air raid offense and feed the quarterback his reads before the play so he doesn't have to think

I would definitely run an insane air attack offense. You know, more of like Mike Leach air raid... where, you know, you get a guy with a strong arm and just really make it basic for him to go through his reads and maybe even feed him his read before the play's even called so he doesn't have to think.

Josh Allen has a rocket arm but he doesn't have the 'rocket science' brain to grasp complex offenses

Let's take a guy with a super strong arm, very athletic, but might not, all the intangibles, but might not, you can't really measure what's in the brain as of yet. Josh Allen. Careful. Billy. He has a very high IQ. Careful, my friend. You can have a rocket arm, but you might have a rocket arm, but you might not have rocket science. If you want to fly a rocket, you have to be smart.

Swag Kelly would have three Super Bowls by now if he had a coach talking in his headset 24/7

Swag Kelly, essentially. Like, if you put Peyton Manning's brain into Swag Kelly's body. I mean, we should have Swag Kelly to have someone talking in his brain 24-7 because he would probably have three Super Bowls right now. Just be like... Don't go into the house, Swag Kelly. Don't go into the house. Don't go back to the bar with an AK-47. Just don't.

My ping pong victory over PFT Commenter is like the Bulls finally beating the Pistons

It's like MJ [Michael Jordan] versus the Pistons, except in this situation, no one got to saw the Pistons beat the Bulls.

The internet has just become Rex Chapman's Twitter feed

The entire internet has just become Rex Chapman's Twitter feed. Yes. End it.

The NFL will never allow hot mics on players because coaches are too paranoid

Do you think the NFL is going to let players have a hot mic? It's not the XFL. Do you think Bill Belichick's going to let his team have a hot mic? The NFL is full of coaches that are the most paranoid people in the world. Do you think they're going to be willingly allowing all of their schemes and everything to be just said out loud? No way!

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

The NBA should permanently move its season start to Christmas Day

I've been saying that for 15 years. Rather than taking on football, with our first early games, let's let them get close to playoffs and just go wholeheartedly starting Christmas Day.

The US needs a federal jobs program for COVID-19 tracking and testing

We need a federal jobs program. We need to hire people because look, we've got 33 million unemployed, another 20 underemployed. The government needs to hire people to do tracking and tracing and testing... the government should be the ones hiring them now.

Every sports franchise should secretly tape one game a year to release during future pandemics

My idea is every single sports franchise needs to, every single year, play a game that is secretly taped that we do not know the result of, and then save it in case of something like this happening again. Because could you imagine if we had even the NBA champion Mavs from that season playing a game against the Heat... and it's like, boom. You don't know what's going to happen.

States will 100% legalize sports gambling post-pandemic for the tax revenue

One hundred percent. Absolutely. They need the tax revenue. And absolutely, the minute you can get one inside the arena... all in.

Michael Jordan's 'The Last Dance' documentary was partially made just to shit on Isiah Thomas

I think half the reason why MJ did the documentary was to preserve his legacy and half was to just shit on Isiah Thomas.

Business is the ultimate competition and much harder than professional sports

In basketball, you compete for 48 minutes. You practice a couple hours. You guys know in business, it's 24 by 7 by 365, and everybody's trying to kick your ass. Everybody's trying to come after you, and you got to battle all the time. Sports are easy, easy. Business is the ultimate competition.

Over-ordering at a restaurant is a top-four asset as a human being

It's like a top-four asset that I have as a human being. If we go out to dinner, I have no problem with being like, 'Yo, let's get all the appetites.'

Weights are physically heavier in 'shitty' gyms with no air conditioning

He trained in the shittiest gyms. And I think that those weights are, in fact, heavier in shitty gyms. If you go to a place that's 100 degrees inside, that's got cobwebs and dust and shit everywhere, you're going to get a better pump than if you go to a Gold's Gym in Manhattan Beach.

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean because you've got to believe in something

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean. Bro, you got to believe in something. Ronnie Coleman's a hero.

Billionaire MLB owners should pay for their own rosters instead of asking for player concessions

Billionaires should pay for their own fucking rosters. It's also crazy because... there's no salary cap in baseball. So now you're saying there's going to be a salary cap for one year? ... I'm not going to be someone who being like, players, you have to take less just because the guys are saying that they're, the people in charge are saying they're losing money, even though they won't tell you how they're losing money.

An 82-game MLB season would be a 'sprint' that generates massive TV ratings

I actually think the TV – people will watch it a lot more on TV not only because it's captive audience but an 82-game that's a sprint. If you have a five game losing streak in the 82-game you're sunk. It just means more. Yeah, I like the 82-game season.

If the Lakers win the 2020 title, people will put an asterisk on LeBron James' championship

If the Lakers win, [Hank] is absolutely putting an asterisk on LeBron James' title. ... It will be an asterisk next to that team forever.

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.

It is healthy for men to have rivals or grudges to drive them every day

I honestly don't – I think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult I've ever heard. ... But having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning, you're like, Fuck that guy. It's healthy. ... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

I will sweep PFT 4-0 in our Thursday game

4 o'clock on Thursday. You can see, probably going to be a 4-0 sweep, so make sure you sweep it early because it's going to be over early. ... 4-1 or better. [Or] I'll do a show with no shirt on.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

My cool throne is lacrosse, sport of the future. Yep. Paul Rabel figured out betting, so they're doing an event in the summer. People are going to be able to bet on it.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

It doesn't matter what 'fucked up' beliefs Sammy Watkins has as long as he's happy and not hurting anyone

It doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sammy Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants. Be you, dude. Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.

I would rather see Doja Cat's breasts than Nicki Minaj's because Minaj has had too much plastic surgery

Doja Cat said that she would show her tits if she went number one... I would actually say I'd rather see Doja Cat's than Nicki Minaj after all the plastic surgery she's had. Doja Cat seems like she might have the real ones.

Darren Rovell is dangerously wrong for claiming NFL players get CTE with near certainty

Darren Rovell is here. All players will sign. (Parentheses. They already get CTE with near certainty). ... How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.

In acting and improv, the best way to be memorable is to try to make everyone else in the scene funnier

As you get older, what you learn is the best way to make the whole scene funnier and thus make yourself more memorable is if everyone is trying to make each other funnier in the scene. If you're all setting each other up and the scene starts cooking and then everyone remembers the event of the scene and they remember that you were part of this amazing scene. But if everyone's trying to bulldozer one another... you'll get a funny moment, but the scene will die.

Clever comedians will always find a way to thrive despite PC or 'woke' culture

Whenever a new stricture comes along, there's always someone that can then come along and find a cool way around it that actually advances things. ... Now it's the PC woke people trying to tamper everything down. People find clever ways around it. There's always the push and then the push through. ... Our job is to find the clever way around it. The clever way around it is to not throw a temper tantrum.

The Star Wars and Simpsons fanbases are the hardest to please because their 'corporate culture' is built on the idea that they are owed everything

Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base. ... The corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, 'I am owed everything.' It's the line from The Simpsons when the comic book guy is like, 'it's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology.' They've given you years of entertainment for free, and it just goes, 'worst episode ever.' You just want to be angry.