Takes

The KFC Famous Bowl is a 'failure pile' that represents how you eat when you are suicidal

I keep seeing people say the phrase 'failure pile in the sadness bowl.' It's how I described the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl where they just Kentucky Fried Chicken gave up and go, 'let's just put our menu in a bowl and covered it in cheese and gravy.' They created an entree that is how you eat when you're suicidal. And America said, 'yes, finally, that's what I want.'

The Godfather is a manual for men to articulate how they have to live in the world

That movie [The Godfather] is a way for men to articulate how they have to live in the world. ... There's so many lines in there... literally, 'these aren't the droids you're looking for' [Star Wars] is now like part of a phrase, but the Godfather phrases like 'go to the mattresses'—it's how hard are you willing to commit to winning this battle?

Hatred is for the young; by age 50, you understand people too well to truly hate anyone anymore

You're watching a guy [at 50] embracing 50 and being annoyed with the fact that he actually understands too much, and it's hard to truly hate anything anymore because you know even when someone's being a dick, you maybe know why they're being a dick. You're like, oh, I'm just too old to have hatred anymore. Hatred's for the young. I miss it.

Children can't lie

I would like to speak to the children? Children can't lie. Okay?

Michael Jordan's tears in The Last Dance were a result of his frustration with others' lack of self-expectation

I think [Jordan] was crying because he was so pissed off that people didn't expect as much from themselves as he did from everybody else.

Episode 7 of The Last Dance was the strongest episode of the entire documentary

I thought Episode 7 was the strongest episode of the entire documentary. It was so, so well done.

Established media columnists in the 90s were no better than modern-day Twitter eggs

It's wild to think that in the mid nineties media, all these people who were given columns were no better than just like some Twitter egg that wanted to like put this shit out there and they got away with it and they still have jobs to this day.

Michael Jordan's personality is the only thing that allowed him to be exceptionally great

You don't say that him being a jerk made him great, but you're saying that his greatness, like, yeah, he probably would not have been looked at in the way that we look at him right now if he didn't have that personality.

The 1996 Bulls game against the Indiana Pacers had higher viewership than March Madness

MJ did three times the NCAA tournament. Think about that. The NBA game in the middle of March did three times NCAA tournament, so much so CBS had to do a make good for advertisers because they got so fucking roasted in viewership because MJ came back during March Madness.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

The lawsuit against Zion Williamson for allegedly receiving money to attend Duke is cloud chasing

Zion Williamson's former marketing agent has served request for admission in their lawsuit, asking him to admit that he received money... She's cloud chasing, yeah.

Elite athletes (Cleaners) are never satisfied and move immediately to the next challenge

Cleaners get that end result over and over again... A part of a cleaner's mentality is to constantly never be satisfied. When something is done, they move on to what's next.

Michael Jordan was only 70-75% of his peak self during the 1995 NBA return

When he came back for that shortened season, 70%, 75% best. And it was a crazy thing. Even at 70%, 75%, he's probably better than 90% of the players, but he wasn't Michael Jordan.

Successful people should only partner with others who are just as 'fucked up' as they are

In order to be successful, the person that should be involved in your success has to be just as fucked up as you are.

The 'Flu Game' was 100% food poisoning from a pizza delivered by five suspicious men

100% it was food poisoning, 100%... I opened up the door and there's literally five guys standing out there to deliver a pizza... Nobody ate the pizza, but him, nobody. And there was no signs of flu, anything being sick before that... you don't go from being [fine to] being hit that fast [by a flu].

Bill Romanowski is one of the worst teammates of all time for ending a teammate's career with a punch

I will go with Bill Romanowski. Roy Rage ending his teammate's career by punching him in the face, spitting on people... Bill Romanowski.

Judas belongs on the Mount Flushmore of worst teammates of all time

I'm going to go with Judas. I consider Judas to be a teammate. Sold out Jesus. All about the contract situation. Really fucked things up for the rest of the world because he was so selfish.

LeBron James is one of the worst teammates of all time because he takes all the credit and trades everyone else

LeBron James. Can't be fun to be his teammate. You're always, always in fear that he's like, if you do well, he's going to take all the credit. If you do bad, he's probably going to trade you off the team.

Murder Hornets are not a threat to humans and people should be more worried about Africanized Bees

Murder Hornets are not a problem. The Africanized bees, on the other hand, have been killing more people per capita in the U.S. already... selfies are more dangerous than the murder hornets to the Chinese.

Crossbreeding Japanese and American bees is the solution to the Murder Hornet threat

World War B, we have Japanese bees. We crossbreed the Japanese bees with the American bees and we just become a melting pot of bee populations... our bees will be just as aggressive as the Africanized bees and push them back South.

The Rams new logo is even worse than when it was first revealed

The Rams logo sucks even worse than I – like, they did the logo reveal a month ago. We all roasted it. I forgot about it... But, man, does that logo suck.

The Texans will finish the 2020 season with a 5-11 or 6-10 record

I think that the Texans are going to stink next year and be like 5-11, 6-10.

The NFL's Christmas Day game is a direct shot at the NBA

The NFL is now saying, fuck you, NBA. We're not giving you this day for free. They're fighting back, and they will have an NFL game on Christmas Day.

The Week 3 Thursday Night Football game between the Dolphins and Jaguars will be a fun game

I'm going to say it right now. I'm going to circle that as a fun game. Week three, Thursday Night Football, [Miami Dolphins] at [Jacksonville Jaguars]. Tua [Tagovailoa] versus number one. That's fun.

I will bet on any NFL team that was bad the previous year in Week 1

My week one strategy is just basically bet on the teams that sucked last year.

I like to bet on new head coaches in Week 1

I'm going to take the [Washington Football Team]. New coach. I like to bet on new coaches in week one.

The Arizona Cardinals are being overlooked heading into the 2020 season

DeAndre Hopkins is on the Cardinals, just a reminder. Everyone's forgetting about the Cardinals.

Seth Curry's son will grow up to be the greatest basketball player alive

Seth Curry's kid is going to be the greatest basketball player alive... He'll be taking down the Bronnies.

People into orgies will continue to have them regardless of the pandemic

The orgy people have been key. You don't stop orgying because there's a pandemic... I'm confident that orgy people will, in the face of a pandemic, they will keep sucking and fucking their way through it.

Kristin Cavallari is leaking stories to the press to make Jay Cutler look bad

Kristin Cavallari has now had like seven stories in the last week that she's leaked to the press. My quarterback has not said a word... she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%.

Kristin Cavallari will eventually star in a reality show centered around her divorce from Jay Cutler

No, she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%. She is going to have a reality show being like living through a divorce or some bullshit... Jay will not be involved.

I am probably the first No. 1 overall draft pick to still be living in their parents' basement a month after the draft

My dad likes to make the joke that I'm a 23-year-old millionaire living in my parents' basement. Yeah, it's not a joke. It's not a joke at this point.

The 'Free Fire' play is the secret to a dominant defense in NCAA Football 14

Free fire, the one with the Mike and Will blitzing every single time. The Will comes free in the big gap every single time, and you just play man-to-man... The linebacker on the right side in the B gap comes through every time. I'm telling you. That was my secret.

Mike the Tiger is not my favorite part of the LSU campus

I actually haven't watched [Tiger King] yet. I'm anti-animal in cage... Mike the Tiger is not my favorite part of campus.

The best offensive strategy in NCAA Football 14 is running Four Verticals and audibling to stops if the corners play off

Call four verticals every single play, and if the corners are playing off, just change it audible to a stop, and you get completion every single time.

Baby snakes are more dangerous to humans than adult snakes

Baby snakes are actually more dangerous than grown adult snakes... [They] don't know well enough to not use all their venom on you, right? So they just shoot you the fuck up. It's a full load.

Achieving fame and success does not actually make you more secure as a human being

I really thought I would feel more secure with myself having attained the success I wanted... What I noticed was I was making more money, more popular, I was having more sex, but my experience of life really was exactly the same. It wasn't worse. It wasn't better. It was just the same.

I have never had a bloody nose in my entire life

Good time to remind people that people don't believe me, but I've never had a bloody nose in my entire life. And I've been hit hard. Not a drug guy. Never had a bloody nose. I just don't think my nose can bleed.

The NC Dinos are officially the podcast's KBO team

So the NC Dinos, that's going to be our team. They actually have a nice logo, too. Some good colors... we got in on the ground floor here. We are the number one NC Dinos podcast.

Anytime a team loses to Georgia Tech, it's a trap game because of the triple option

I'm of the mindset that anytime a team loses to Georgia Tech, it's a trap game because you don't see the triple option coming.

Winning three Heismans is a greater accomplishment than winning a national championship

Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. I've won the Heisman every place I've gone, so that's a recruiting [pitch]. Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

Elon Musk's child naming choice puts teachers on the hot seat regarding attendance sheets

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. Imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe... X-A-E-12.

Naming a child a mathematical symbol is the 'Boy Named Sue' for the nerd community

It's kind of the 'Boy Named Sue' for nerds. You name your kid this, they're going to be a nerd because everyone's going to just be like, 'What is your fucking name?' It's keeping the nerd community alive because they won't be able to just be regular. It's forcing him into being a nerd.

Texas A&M will win a national championship before the University of Texas

If I had to do gun to my head right now, I would definitely say Texas A&M is going to win a national title before Texas. [They] got the road. Jimbo [Fisher]. I would say neither, but if I had to go in the next hundred years, I would just pick the team that's playing the SEC.

A man needs to be at a specific weight to successfully pull off a mustache

My face is on my hot seat because I grossly misjudged the weight I need to be at to shave my beard. I need to be 10 pounds lighter to have a mustache. I did it, and I looked at myself, and I was like, 'You fucked that up, dude.'

Jordan Love will probably be a Hall of Famer because that's how it works for the Packers

Jordan Love will probably be a Hall of Famer just because that's how it always works out for [the Packers]. I just like that they're in, you know, it's just discombobulated for a minute. So just the drama over there brings me joy.

Kirk Cousins is a good quarterback but he turtles under pressure

I like Kirk. He's a good quarterback... the thing about him is just, he's not mobile. It's almost comical when shit hits a fan where he's just like, okay, bye. [He turtles].

Tailgating is better than actually going to the game

I actually think the tailgate is better than going to the game. If a perfect Sunday would be to tailgate then go watch all the games, because there's something about a tailgate when you have that vibe where everyone's excited for what could possibly happen and everyone's in a great mood.

I would definitely go into an NBA bubble to finish the season

If I were still playing in the league right now and Adam Silver called me up and said, hey, we're going to go live in a bubble... I would be open to it. One, if it's safe and it's a healthy environment, that's great. Two, being able to forfeit that time away from your family... it's a give-take situation.