Takes

Mountain Dew prevented me from getting cramps during NBA games

I was a full-blown addict, man, with the Mountain Dews... I used to have a liter, like, just in my locker... third quarter comes, bam, Mountain Dew, no cramps. Then fourth quarter comes, bam, Mountain Dew, get buckets. I hit game winners because of that shit.

McDonald's has the champagne of straws

The McDonald's straws was different. I felt like the 7-Elevens or the Big Gulps... the texture was different. McDonald's straws just look cool. They look swaggy... yeah, that's a champagne of straws.

March Madness makes you want to play basketball more than any other event

I would say my number one would be March Madness always makes me want to go play hoops. Something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic, so you just want to go play it and relive Valpo and all this shit.

The PT Cruiser is an objectively terrible car

Right off the bat, PT Cruiser. Easy. Bad car.

The Volkswagen Beetle is a lame car with two historically bad iterations

Whatever the fucking bubble-top Volkswagen car is. Lame. The Bug. Two bad iterations. One, it was Hitler's car. Two, when they brought it back and everyone was like, 'This is cool.' And it's like, no, it's not. It had a flower pot in it. Lame.

The original Hummer is the ultimate car of 'small dick energy'

I'll go with the original Hummer. When they had the Hummer out and it was the ultimate small dick energy car. If you've ever been in an original Hummer, they literally were not comfortable cars. They were terrible cars, gas guzzlers, all that shit. You basically just bought one to tell everyone that you're a badass, which actually means you're not a badass.

You shouldn't own a Jeep Wrangler unless you actually go off-roading

Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. If you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts... you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.

The Enterprise car wrapped in wrapping paper is the worst car in the world

The worst car in the world is the Enterprise pick-me-up car that's wrapped in a fucking wrapping paper. It's impractical. It drives me nuts. I hate that car. Enterprise car with the wrapping paper.

Driving a Ford Ranger means you have no friends

The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. That's it. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.

Saabs are trash because they are impossible to get fixed

Saabs suck. Saabs are trash. Because you're basically buying a car that's like, you can't get this fixed anywhere. You have to go to the foreign auto shop. Saabs are bad.

White Volkswagen Jettas are strictly for drug dealers and girlfriends

White Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Or a high school drug dealer. Like, hey, this isn't expensive but it's kind of nice... I would actually say that probably 33% of Pardon My Take listeners have either dated a girl that drives a Jetta or bought marijuana from somebody that drives a Jetta.

The longer sports are gone, the harder it will be to reintroduce them to our lives and partners

I'm nervous that the longer sports are gone, the trickier it's going to be to reintroduce them to our lives in terms of partners. I'm very concerned because we're establishing a new normal right now. If we go long enough... you are just degenerately betting on this all day. Try to just ignore [your partner] for three hours a day to get them prepped.

Michael Jordan released 'The Last Dance' 50% to bash Isiah Thomas and 50% to prove he is better than LeBron James

If you had to break it down Michael Jordan doing this documentary [is] 50% to remind everyone in the world that Michael Jordan's the goat and like he's still better than LeBron and 50% just to shit down Isiah Thomas' throat.

Andy Dalton is one of the best backup quarterbacks in the NFL

I think [Andy Dalton] is probably one of the best backups in the league right now. You have a hard time convincing me [otherwise].

Blake Bortles is being blackballed by the NFL because he drives a Tesla

I think that Blake Bortles is being blackballed by the NFL because he drives a Tesla and because the league sponsors are motor oil companies [like] Castrol, Havoline, other competing rivals against Elon Musk and Tesla.

There is almost a zero percent chance that the NFL season does not happen this fall

Florio did have a report where [he's] talking to the right people that it's basically a zero percent chance—not a zero percent chance, but like almost a zero percent chance that there's no football this fall.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

Fear porn has become the number one industry in America

I'm sick of letting everyone—fear porn has become the number one industry in America right now. I'm done letting fear take over my life. I'm done with being scared about random things that get posted in a New York Times article just so that everyone can send it around to each other.

Michael Jordan's claim that I was the source for 'The Jordan Rules' is a lie

For MJ to say I [was] the source of this book, that's a lie. That's a downright lie and he knows that... Sam Smith spent more time with Bill Cartwright, John Paxson, Tex Winter, Johnny Bach.

Shaquille O'Neal and Penny Hardaway would have won at least two or three championships if they stayed together in Orlando

I would say at least two or three championships. People have forgotten about Penny Hardaway—6'7, 6'8 like a Magic Johnson who can shoot the ball, very athletic. His IQ was off the chart when it came to basketball.

If I had picked up the phone when Shaquille O'Neal called me during 1996 free agency, I could have convinced him to stay with the Magic

[Shaquille O'Neal] called me I think two or three times. If I just had to pick up the phone, maybe things would have been different and I did not pick up the phone. When I heard that he signed with the Lakers, I drove from Florida to my mother's house in Georgia and I stayed there for about two weeks just depressed as shit.

The 1990s Bulls would have beaten the KD-era Warriors in six games

I would say the Bulls in six. Being with the Bulls, we don't believe in seven games in the finals... when you got a Michael Jordan and a Scottie Pippen in their prime and Horace Grant here, I mean, victory.

Kim Jong Un has at least a half-dozen clones of himself being kept on a farm in case he dies

I would imagine that he probably has at least a half-dozen clones of his, like actual clones that have been kept in like some weird farm just in case that he does die.

I am firmly on the side that Kim Jong Un is dead

I'm firmly on the side of he's dead. I don't buy that it's him [in the new photos]. I think it's just—he looks kind of chunkier too, so it's just a fake Kim Jong Un.

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

Soccer is boring because you cannot use your hands

Soccer... simple, just because any sport that you can't use your hands, that's like 50% of your body and the stuff that are much more important and you can't even use it. You're just running around, at most you're scoring one goal. It's boring as fuck.

Cycling is just a more boring version of NASCAR

I'd watch basically anything except for cycling. Cycling is it's a more boring version of NASCAR.

My 'Crisis Fuel' supplement will provide enough energy and mass to survive 40 days in a wildfire or pandemic

I developed a proprietary blend... it's like 2,000 calories a punch. It's protein, carbs, good additive, cornstarch to it... if there's a wildfire approaching your house, screw the food, grab your 10-gallon bucket of Crisis Fuel which is all powder and a bunch of water, throwing your car, you have enough meals for 40 days.

Jameis Winston's LASIK surgery might turn him into 'Captain Checkdown'

What if [Jameis Winston] is able to see those cornerbacks and he becomes Captain check down and he's like, I can't believe I used to make those throw[s]... his eyes are going to be seeing ghosts and it's going to affect his personality like any wild way.

The Patriots would be a good landing spot for Andy Dalton

Andy Dalton, I would take a chance on it. Patriots might [be], it seems like a good landing spot for him. I'd be fine with him.

Andy Dalton has had a better NFL career than Carson Wentz

Andy Dalton if the season ended today for both their careers Andy Dalton had a better career than Carson Wentz... His highs were better than Andy Dalton's [but] you can't put Carson ahead [of] Andy.

Video games should only be played with a controller, regardless of PC or Console

I play video games with a controller. Like I'll never play video games... [without a controller]. Video games we play with a controller. Yes. I don't want to hear anything different.

Darren Rovell's Kate Upton story is actually a flex on his 'talent scouting' ability

Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like I I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive... I have a great eye for talent.

NBA and MLB return plans for 2020 sound completely fictitious

I do not feel they're coming back. I think that the ideas that are being thrown around sound like they're just pitches... that MLB story today about a hundred games or whatever all in conference three home stadiums, that sounds like the most fictitious, it sounds like what happens after a bombing in 24.

Sports will only return once the NFL restarts because they don't care about player safety

I think we're fucked until the NFL season starts because if there's one thing that we know is sports fans the NFL doesn't really care about player safety. So I think he'll come back and then everyone will follow suit.

Vince McMahon views sneezing, yawning, or sleeping as signs of weakness

Vince McMahon doesn't like it when somebody loses control of their own body around whether it's sneezing, yawning, sleepiness. You name it, it's weakness.

Michael Jordan is not a loser and is the definition of the word 'winner'

I say absolutely not [to MJ being a loser]. I think it's safe to say that Michael Jordan is not a loser. He is the definition of the word winner. He's synonymous with winner more probably than any athlete maybe besides Tiger Woods.

Engineering is crazy and we just blindly accept it

Engineering is fucking crazy man like it's so crazy and we just accepted all buildings, bridges. It's so crazy and those whose minds are so advanced and their job is to just put stuff together till it gets huge tunnels.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

There should be a '23andMe' for old clothes to find out where they went

Why [isn't there] the 23andMe for your old clothes? You'll be session like I had to just awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago... I wouldn't have thrown that away. But where is it?

There should be a statistical database for 'Life Stats' like how many shoes you've tied

There should be a statistical database that can tell me the answers to things like how many times have I tied my shoes in my life? I would love to know that data... How many steps do you think you've taken?

Jameis Winston signing with the Saints is a genius move to eventually become the starter in waiting

It actually is genius move by him because Drew Brees you have to think... maybe this year's is last year. Maybe he's got two more years. If you could ingratiate yourself to Sean Payton and what they have going on there... that's actually a very smart thing to do to be the guy in waiting.

Jameis Winston's passer rating is 35 points higher on turf than on grass

His grass versus Turf split you ready for this... on grass 22 touchdowns 27 interceptions on Turf 11 touchdowns three interceptions. Wow, his passer rating is almost it's 35 points higher on Turf than it is in Grass.

If Jameis Winston throws zero touchdowns and zero interceptions this year, he'll still be second all-time at the age of 27 for both stats, only behind Dan Marino

I got a stat for you: if Jameis Winston throws zero touchdowns and zero interceptions this year, he still will be second all-time at the age of 27 for touchdowns and interceptions, only behind Dan Marino.

The 2020 MLB season should be as weird as possible, including restructured divisions

If this season is going to be weird make it really fucking weird... I love this idea that they're going to restructure how the divisions are... it would be so disappointing if they did a shortened baseball season and nothing was different... I don't need to see the Cubs for the Pirates 19 times. I want to see weird shit happened.

I will retire if Christian Yelich ever gets caught doing steroids

I will retire if Christian Yelich ever gets caught doing steroids. Boom. Oh man, I can't get insurance plan out on that. Nope, that would be great.

The Ravens drafted the next James Devlin in the 2020 NFL Draft

The Ravens got who I believe to be the next James Devlin in the draft... they got a guy from Kennesaw State... he's six foot tall runs a 4.4 840, 230 pounds and then put up 35 reps on the bench... I'm not even to say his name because he's a fullback. Back and you'll find out his name soon enough.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Data visualization designers and bow tie manufacturers are the secret winners of the pandemic economy

I actually think bow ties are getting a big boom because every time I turn on CNN, there's a fucking weirdo doctor... what do they do wear a bow tie. The people who are making the the gifts of like, you know, like the spread of coronavirus the charts. It's got to be off the charts for them right now.

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.