Takes

There is a specific feeling of being in a movie when the perfect song hits at the right time

When you have the perfect song Come On whether it be in the car or when you're walking and you feel like you're in a movie... when that perfect song hits for your mood for the weather for everything and it just feels like you are in the middle of your own movie.

The perfect bite of pizza is the 'transition bite' right before you reach the full crust

My third one is going to be when you get the perfect bite of pizza and what I mean by that is it's got some crust but it also has some tomato sauce and cheese left right before you get full crust. So it's the transition bite... that is so deep to me.

Alex Smith will eventually land a front office job and make a lot of money

[Alex Smith] is regarded as one of the most solid dudes in the NFL... he's going to go somewhere in a front office and make a lot of money for a long time.

The 2020 football season will feature the greatest tailgates of all time if fans are allowed

every football tailgate this is probably the greatest thing ever do you think that when we get back but I don't... it just doesn't seem realistic... if we hit the bars and we're like you know what I kind of miss being at home.

Dennis Rodman made rebounding 'cool' and 'sexy'

I love Dennis Rodman. I've always loved Dennis Rodman. He made rebounding cool. He made rebounding like seem like a sexy thing. He was so fucking incredible.

Dennis Rodman is a role model for finding a niche and becoming the best at it

I actually do think that Dennis Rodman is role model in a weird way in that if you can figure out something that you're the best at, it doesn't matter what weird little niche category it is in life. If there's one thing that you're better than everybody else that are more focused on, steer into that and get well really, really good at that and be known as the best to ever do that and you will be extremely successful.

Michael Jordan's switch-hand layup against the Lakers was completely unnecessary

The layup that Michael Jordan had in the finals against the Lakers where he jumps in the air and switches hands—completely unnecessary to do that. It's a cool-looking highlight, he didn't need to do that. You could have just done a finger roll with his right hand; he switched to his left hand because it looked cool.

Michael Jordan will always view Scottie Pippen as 'weak' because of the migraine game

I honestly think the MJ Pippen relationship is so fascinating because I know that Michael Jordan knows deep down that Scottie Pippen was all time player and he needed them every bit for all these championships. But he has that one the migraine game... I think there's a part of Michael Jordan who will always look at [Pippen] and be like when the chips are down, you're just weak.

Michael Jordan's hatred for Isiah Thomas is the strongest he's ever had for anyone

The last grudge I had and it's the best by far, Michael Jordan has never hated anyone as much as he hates Isiah Thomas and it's fucking awesome to watch how much he still holds onto it to this day... MJ just his hatred is so goddamn deep for him and it's fantastic to watch.

Phil Jackson is the master of managing different personalities to get them on the same page

What keeping these guys together—that's always been my biggest argument for Phil Jackson is how many times do you see teams win or not even teams win but like a bunch of different personalities and trying to get them all on the same page and he's clearly the master of that and figuring out a way to tap into every single guy and figure out exactly how every guy works and what makes them tick.

I don't think Roger Goodell has any friends

I am a little bit concerned about our Commish... I don't think that Roger Goodell has any friends. I don't think that a person would that personality? Yeah, like there's why is this a new news breaking because usually when you're that rich you have at least some people that will hang out with you... I think he has like business partners that he sees occasionally like the owners but just like going off his personality. I don't I want to volunteer to be his friend because I feel bad for him.

The NFL should adopt a hybrid draft format where the first round is live but later rounds are remote

If they can do a blend if they could do a hybrid it would be perfect. I would want the first round live with people in the draftees in the spot... but I agree with you like if we could do rounds 4 through 7 where everyone is remote and you can see into the room like living rooms of all the coaches and GM's that was fascinating.

Jake Fromm will be the best quarterback from the 2020 draft class

I still think the potential is there. I think [Jake Fromm] is gonna be the best quarterback that comes out of this draft.

The best NFL draft strategy for teams who don't know what they're doing is to just load up on SEC West and Ohio State players

I like the Redskins strategy which seems to be—this is what I've been saying for a while is—if you don't if you have no idea how to draft just load up on SEC West players and then mix in Ohio State players every now and again and you'll get it.

Jameis Winston will start at least six games for the Saints this year

I have a bold prediction. I think Jameis is starting at least six games this year... I think Drew Brees is gonna get injured and miss at least six games this year and then Jameis would start those six games.

Taysom Hill would have won the Saints' playoff game if he had played the whole time

[Taysom Hill] would have won the playoffs if he had been playing the whole game... Best player on the field against the Vikings fact, according to the Troy Aikman and everyone who had eyes.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

I consider myself an athlete because of how physical and MMA-focused my magic shows are

I consider myself [an athlete] because of the type of show I do—very physical show. I do a lot of MMA training... I have to really be especially at 52 now. I got to be really flexible and really athletic or else I'll not be able to do a lot of these things.

The media is adding to the COVID-19 hysteria and needs to focus more on hope and positivity

I just think that the media is not helping because they're adding to the hysteria. Yes, we need information. We need to know but we also need to have hope... we also need to put positivity in the world and love in the world... It's not going to be the end of the world. We are all going to go on. We're all going to move on and we're going to thrive.

NFL teams should be allowed to use a draft pick to own the rights to a college coach

Is it possible that you could draft a coach? Could you use a draft pick on a college coach to prevent another team from hiring them to be on their roster? ... If you think that hypothetically the Los Angeles Chargers are going to hire Urban Meyer as coach next year, why wouldn't you if you're in the AFC West draft Urban Meyer and then you have his rights for at least the next year so they can't hire them?

Doing the dishes is the absolute worst chore because it deters people from ever cooking at home

Doing the dishes is the worst because you also just ate so you're like all I want to do is sit down and just relax and then you got to get up and do the dishes... Doing the dishes have deterred millions upon millions of people from ever cooking at home because they suck so much.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

The 'giant baby' on the internet should be put on a steroid and protein schedule to become an NFL left tackle

I want to find that baby and start putting creatine and whey protein in its formula and then make it like an All-Pro left tackle... It's child abuse to not be abusing his childhood putting it to work... he needs to be put on schedule now where he's not going to you know where else we can put this giant.

Mike Vrabel won the night for best NFL Draft home setup.

Mike Vrabel clearly won the night in his room. He had a guy that looked like a mix between the Waterboy Adam Sandler and Joe Dirt. The other was taking a shit. I believe he's sitting on a Barstool intentionally looking like he's making sure in my professional opinion.

The gap between Tua Tagovailoa and Justin Herbert is massive.

The smoke of Justin Herbert jumping Tua [Tagovailoa] was making me so mad because Tua is so much better than Justin Herbert. No offense, Justin Herbert. He might end up being good but Tua is control good and the gap between Joe Burrow and Tua is miniscule. The gap between Tua and Justin Herbert is massive.

Roger Goodell was definitely drunk during the first night of the 2020 NFL Draft.

Let's talk about Goodell for a second. Is he okay? Because no, he was drunk. How is he that bad at talking in his living room when all you had to do was like two lines every 10 minutes? He was sluggish, he was not pronouncing words correctly, he was turning red in the face. He changed outfits to get more comfortable halfway through. He tried to hug Caesar Ruiz through his television. He saw a big dude getting drafted and was like 'this is the guy I gotta give the bro hug to.'

Roger Goodell is depressed because the new CBA took away his hobby of collecting urine samples.

I think Roger Goodell is depressed because in the CBA they gave up his rights to go collect piss from everybody. That's like his hobby. That's like taking away that one week of fishing that Nick Saban does every year.

The Cowboys will have an elite offense but finish 8-8 and miss the playoffs.

I feel like [CeeDee Lamb] is the best wide receiver in the draft and now we can perform, now we can have even more of the 'Cowboys are incredible but they're going to finish 8-8.' And they're going to score a million points and it's going to be like statistically the greatest offense in the world, but they somehow only scored 14 points when they played the Redskins and they're going to miss the playoffs.

The Packers squandered their first-round pick by drafting a backup quarterback while in win-now mode.

The Packers were in the NFC Championship Game this year. You would think that a team that was that close to the Super Bowl... should probably draft a position they can start right away. They absolutely needed a wide receiver. The funniest part about this whole thing was if you were to list their needs, it was number one by far we need a wide receiver and instead they took a quarterback. I feel like look, the Packers just basically squandered a first-round pick when they're in win now mode.

Aaron Rodgers will demand a trade following the Packers drafting Jordan Love.

As an owner of the Packers, I feel like Aaron Rodgers might demand a trade. I feel like he's the kind of guy that is going to want to get out of town as soon as possible because this is going to be disrespect to him. Either that or he'll tell Danica like give him one of those crystals you got from Chernobyl.

People with square jaws are naturally more trustworthy and competent.

John Lynch just looks super competent all the time. He looks like a guy that you would trust. His square jaw... square jaws can be trusted a lot. And he's always like leaning forward. Just the body language makes me believe that whatever he's doing, he's doing for all the right reasons and that he knows exactly what he's going to get out of it.

Mike McCarthy always looks like he's having an allergic reaction to shellfish.

Mike McCarthy always looks like he's having a reaction to shellfish. Yeah, it's like swelling up a little bit. Yes, a little like but got stung by maybe like three or four bees.

Candy sent out for Heisman campaigns is good forever and will not expire.

I heard it's a good forever as lifelong candy... [Tom Fornelli] should be good. But if you get sick, you know, I didn't say anything.

The legal system would break if everyone collectively stopped responding to jury summons.

What if we all just stopped going to jury summons? They can't bring in new juries to try us. Solidarity. They also can't arrest people right now. That's illegal. If a police officer tries to arrest you, you can arrest him.

Tomato juice only tastes good when you are on a flight.

Tomato juice is so gross to pick and anyone who says 'oh, it's not that bad' they're just lying because they like it with vodka... I've noticed that people only drink tomato juice on flights... Tomato juice tastes better on an airplane.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

Coconut water is a lie and tastes terrible.

I'm gonna go with coconut water. Trash. Someone tried to sell us that coconut water fixes hangovers. That's a fucking lie. Coconut water stinks. I don't like it. It just gives you a weird aftertaste. Just drink regular water.

There is no difference between 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

I do [drink whole milk]... I just have strong bones. I bet you big guy, we do a taste test, I would be able to... there's no difference.

Any soda with 'Zero' in the name is not a real soda and is trash.

Any soda that has a zero is just not a real soda. You try and get it as an option called Mountain Dew Zero, Sprite Zero... Trash.

Brooks Koepka looks like a crooked Florida highway patrolman with his mustache.

He looks like a combination of every host of Cum Town. He looks like a crooked cop. With the mustache, he looks like a crooked Florida highway patrolman. A crooked cop that will just take the cocaine right off of you and send you on your way.

Tom Brady's Twitter game is currently terrible.

Tom Brady's Twitter game sucks already. Can someone tell Tommy he doesn't have to have the '@' in front of his name? He said unnecessary '@'. I quote one of his tweets and said 'can someone tell Tommy he doesn't have to have the at in front of his name?' 20 minutes later it was gone. It was gone because someone did. I shamed him.

Byron Leftwich can throw a ball farther than Tom Brady can right now.

I bet you Byron Leftwich can throw a ball farther than Tom Brady right now. He's another one of those guys saying like 'where's the... I just get out there and pearl cannons to each other.' Leftwich could be 70 years old and having his old offensive lineman carry him around on one leg and throw an 85 yard bomb.

I'm pivoting Leroy into grading the scoops of actual insiders instead of breaking news

I'd like to pivot [Leroy] out of the breaking news game, put him out to stud, put him out to retire... and then use the account to grade the scoops of actual insiders. Leroy serves as the judge and says this scoop goes to [whoever].

I don't think Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski will retire as Buccaneers, unless they win a Super Bowl

Do you think Tom Brady and Gronk will retire as Buccaneers when they go into Canton? No. I think it might [happen] if they win a Super Bowl, but there's definitely like a one side of me [that] makes it sense... it's like a one last hurrah, to Florida, nice weather... I just can't do it. I can't be like the biggest Bucs fan.

Bill Belichick is cold-blooded and will always choose assets over personal beef

Belichick is the most likely [to make the Gronk trade]. He's like, oh I get a free asset. Most other coaches would be like no. I'm going to let my personal beef standing between me and making the right choice. Belichick is so cold blooded. He'll just be like, yes, I will get something for nothing.

The Patriots only let Tom Brady go to Tampa Bay because they couldn't prove tampering, and it's actually a master plan by Bill Belichick to get draft picks

The only reason the Patriots let Tom go to Tampa Bay was that they couldn't wrap them into a tampering charge... this could be Belichick's master plan to get Tampa docked all the draft pictures and to have both Tom and Gronk returned to New England with like three extra third rounders.

The Buccaneers should use Rob Gronkowski as a wide receiver instead of a tight end

I think Bruce Arians... he sees Mike Evans and he's like, Rob Gronkowski has lost 25 pounds, 30 pounds. If we can have one big wide receiver, that's awesome. Let's just use Gronk as a wide receiver.

The Chargers' new uniforms are objectively amazing

The Chargers release theirs and they're amazing. The Chargers proved—I actually love that... we needed a uniform drop to keep the internet honest. Whereas like, these are objectively amazing.

The NBA will never play again in 2020

I don't think they're going to play again ever. I heard a nasty rumor today... I've canceled sports for 2020 you guys got mad at me for that.

College football will not happen in 2020

College football's not happening. I don't think it is until the spring. How can you make kids who are not getting paid go and play if there's a pandemic?