Takes

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

I've been a Raptors fan since their inaugural season in 1995

I'm a Raptors fan because I was shooting Long Kiss Goodnight the first year the Raptors started in Toronto... I was there on the floor when, you know, they started with Oliver Miller and all those guys... I've been a Raptor fan since they started.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

Tom Cruise would murder Justin Bieber in a fight

I still think Tom Cruise would kick his ass. Tom Cruise would murder him. Dude, he does all his own stunts. Hanging outside of a helicopter at Mission Impossible. Yes, that's him.

Tom Cruise is washed up and would lose to Justin Bieber

Bebs is a beast. He's in the prime of his career right now. And Tom Cruise is washed up.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

The NBA loves late start times because it gives gamblers a larger window to place bets

I think that the NBA actually really enjoys these late start times because it gives [fans] a much larger window with which to lock in their bet. Adam Silver loves... he's a betting man.

The Warriors are totally fine in the NBA Finals even without Kevin Durant

I actually think the Warriors are totally fine. I mean, that's not like a hot take, but Klay's going to be back. I think they – sitting Klay, they were like, look, we're the Warriors. Like, we'll be fine. Let's get him 100% healthy or close to 100%. ... But they know that they can win on the road.

I don't think Kevin Durant will play at all in this series

I don't think Kevin Durant's going to play this series. We've said that on Wednesday. ... I like how we're getting even further away. Like, we're going to rule him out for Game 5, the minute Game 4 ends.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

If a wide receiver catches a touchdown despite a pass interference penalty, the extra point should be worth two points

Mike Greenberg's dumb rule for right now off the top of my head. If a wide receiver catches a touchdown on a pass interference, the extra point should be worth two.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

I like both the 49ers and the Seahawks, but if I have to pick one, it's the 49ers

Professional football teams would have to be the 49ers... and the Seahawks. [If you have to pick one?] I have to be the 49ers. I love Joe Montana. [College?] Go blue. Michigan.

Kevin Durant will come back for Game 7, save the Warriors, and win Finals MVP

I feel like this update is going to just be the update every single game. Kevin Durant's out for Game 4. Kevin Durant's out for Game 5. Until they get to Game 7 and he comes back and saves the Warriors and wins MVP.

Kevin Durant is going to be out for the entire NBA Finals

I don't think that [Kevin Durant] is going to play. I think he's out for the whole series.

Kawhi Leonard does not have a personality

Let's figure out the true Kawhi. Let's figure out what Kawhi is all about. Let's figure out if Kawhi has a personality. Turns out he doesn't.

Canadian TV viewers are more attentive than Americans, so product placement should be more expensive in Canada

I'll also say that Canadian viewers are more attentive than American viewers. Actually, the product placement should sell for higher in Canada because in Canada, they're so used to only taking two bathroom breaks during a sporting event for hockey that that's their condition, so they watch more of the commercials.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

Only 66% of first-round MLB draft picks will ever end up playing in the major leagues

Even for the first-rounders taken last night in Secaucus, only 66% of them will end up in the majors.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

Humanity is fundamentally 'fucked' and there is no saving us

We are a staunchly we are fucked podcast because we are fucked. We want to fuck humanity. Recycle all of humanity.

Rich people smell better than everyone else

Rich people just smell better. They look better. They smell better. They have everything that's better.

Rich people don't have locks on their bathroom doors because they are too wealthy to care if someone walks in

One thing I noticed from those experiences, rich people don't have locks on their bathroom. Oh, because you don't have to have a lock. It's like, oh, you walked in on me shitting? I don't care. I can buy and sell you.

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.

The live-action Lion King remake looks bad

The Lion King looks weird, too. Like, that looks bad. It is. It's too much. Cartoons, anything can be a cartoon, and it's believable because it's a cartoon. But if it's like, oh, these lines look real life, and they're talking, it's like [scary].

I can still fight for a couple more years

I can still fight a couple years. I have no problem. I'm so thankful to God because He gave me this favor, good health, protected me from all harms.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw

I'm going to speculate that it's something far greater than just his teeth. And I would assume it's a broken jaw. Because if it was just his teeth, he would have came back to that game in the third period.

Jordan Binnington is going to go into Boston and steal a game

I still think that Binnington has to steal one game this series where he stands on his head. And I said that yesterday's podcast that dropped this morning, that I have a feeling that he's going to go into Boston and steal a game.

The St. Louis Blues will win the Stanley Cup in six games

My assumption is that [the St. Louis Blues] are going to get the job done. I picked Blues in six.

In the playoffs, it is better to get blown out 6-0 than to lose 4-3 in overtime

Do you lend any credence to my theory that in the playoffs you'd rather get your ass kicked, like get smoked 6-0, than lose a 4-3 game in overtime because the close loss is so much more demoralizing because you think that you've got it, whereas with a 6-0 loss, you just say fuck it after you're down 4-0, and who really cares?

The 2019 Bachelorette season is boring and Hannah Brown is whack

The Bachelorette, I feel like this is a boring season. I feel like I say that every time, but I feel like this is a boring season. Hannah's whack. She's real whack.

Freddie Kitchens is naive for thinking he has full control over the Browns as a rookie head coach

Freddie's so naive right now. And I love it. I love this stage of a coach's career... He thinks that he calls all the shots... And then his soul just got crushed.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

I think what you need to do is remember how good LeBron James is at losing. He is perhaps the best loser ever.

Klay Thompson's hamstring injury is a huge concern for the Warriors

Klay Thompson going out with the hamstring, which, by the way, that wasn't talked about after, but that's a huge, huge injury because he went out and he looked really pissed. Hamstrings are weird, man.

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch. They're insane. I absolutely love them.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

Draymond Green should be the NBA Finals MVP

I'm going to make the early pitch for Draymond to get finals MVP because he had 17, 10, and 9... He's everything for their team.

The Raptors are out of 'bullets in the chamber' after Obama and Guy Fieri showed up for Game 2

You can't respond to a one-two punch of Guy Fieri and Obama... I don't think that Canada can... They don't have any bullets left in the chamber.

The Stanley Cup Final is over because Jordan Binnington looks completely rattled

Series is over. He [Jordan Binnington] looks very, very shook. He's rattled. They let in seven goals. Three of them were goals he should have saved.

Aaron Rodgers chugging a beer poorly has cursed the Packers

Curses are back because ever since Aaron Rodgers didn't chug his beer, which we'll get to in segments, the Bucks didn't win another game and Matt LaFleur tore his Achilles and is going to be coaching out of a cart this spring. Aaron Rodgers cursed their team, 100%.

The Milwaukee Bucks were lucky to play the Pistons in the first round

Milwaukee's lucky. We played him four times in the regular season, lost all four. But, like, I guarantee you if we play a ninth [game].