Takes

I will call Kevin Durant a 'baby back bitch' to his face

How do you think it's going to go when I call him a baby back bitch to his face? I think we have to. I don't think there's a choice.

Andy Ruiz vs. Anthony Joshua was the biggest boxing upset I've ever seen

Biggest upset that I've ever seen, you're probably right that the Buster Douglas upset was a bigger one. But in today's multimedia world... it's just hard to fathom a bigger one.

Anthony Joshua fights like a 5'10" man despite being 6'6"

Anthony Joshua just couldn't keep Andy Ruiz from charging in at him... Joshua is 6'6", but he fights like he's 5'10". Like he doesn't use that height to his advantage.

If Anthony Joshua loses the rematch to Andy Ruiz Jr., his career is unrecoverable

If Anthony Joshua loses the second time to Andy Ruiz, I don't know how it's recoverable... I don't believe that it would be a stunner if Andy Ruiz is able to do it and repeat what he saw Saturday.

Odell Beckham Jr. missing OTAs is weird and concerning

Odell Beckham is already upset at the Browns... It is a little weird. It's one of those things that Odell Beckham, I do think he gets lumped into when everyone's like, oh, yeah, the prima donna wide receiver... But it is weird that he's not showing up, and it's like you kind of want your guy to show up.

I'm worried that Tom Brady missing OTAs is the beginning of the end for the Patriots

I want to use this occasion to point out maybe a more serious issue, and that's that Tom Brady isn't at OTAs either. So is this the beginning of the end for the Patriots?

Kevin Durant must feel great seeing the Warriors struggle in Game 1

The more important news, [Kevin Durant]'s got to be feeling real good right now. Very conflicted, [Kevin Durant]. Real good. That sound you hear is [Kevin Durant]'s calf magically healing itself.

The Warriors will most likely win the rest of the NBA Finals

The Raptors win game one... and the Warriors now have to say, ooh, hopefully Kevin Durant will come back, or most likely they'll just become the Warriors again and probably win the rest of the season.

The NBA Finals between the Raptors and Warriors will go at least six games

I'm just excited that it's going to at least go five. And we at least push that bet, Hank, of how many more NBA games are there going to be. I think it will go six at least.

I still don't think anybody in the NBA can beat the Bucks

I still don't think anybody can beat the [Bucks].

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

Opioids are far more addictive and dangerous than marijuana

For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana.

I am officially quitting the Juul and invite fans to slap me if they catch me using it

I'm also quitting Juul, which is official... If you catch me Juuling, slap me. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw.

Being ignored at a roast is meaner than being made fun of

That's almost meaner [to go soft]. If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

All extremely rich people have access to secret, high-end designer drugs

I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about. They all do their rich people drugs that no one else has access to, like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have that just live forever.

Comedians should lean into their specific niche rather than trying to be generalists

Dave Chappelle actually gave me a pretty healthy pep talk about it probably about 10, 12 years ago where he's like, that's your lane, bro. Make it a highway. Make it a six lane highway. And he's right. No one really does that. Roasting became so fun. I felt pigeonholed for a while, but [Chappelle] was right.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

Games called by Kevin Burkhardt and Charles Davis hit the over more than any other major NFL booth

Charles Davis and Kevin Burkhardt... out of all the major announcing teams, and I'm saying the ones that do 17 to 25 games a year, who do you think had the highest percentage of overs? No, it was Charles Davis and Kevin Burkhardt.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

A 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in both hockey and soccer.

It proves once again 2-0 is the most dangerous lead ever. In hockey and also in soccer, I'm told.

I cucked Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self by signing RJ Hampton to the New Zealand Breakers

I think it's safe to say that we cucked the shit out of Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self all in one fell swoop. We made a damn strong offer, Big Cat. A damn strong offer.

RJ Hampton's brand will be fine because we will be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth

Guess what, Jeff Goodman? His brand is going to be fine because we're going to be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth.

The Lakers are in a classic rats-on-a-sinking-ship scenario

What this tells me is that this is a classic rats on a sinking ship scenario with the Lakers. Because you're right. Nobody was spared. Everybody got a little taste of some vengeance from somebody else. So everyone inside that front office is talking.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe Bryant to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is. We're laughing at Rob Pelinka right now, but Rob Pelinka might be telling the truth. He's just leaving out the part that it was a ghost and not actually Heath Ledger.

The Domino's Pizza Tracker is fake

My hot seat is the Domino's tracker... Some big J journalist, independent journalist, went in, did some research, and was like stalking, would put in an order, and would follow the restaurant, follow the driver, and make sure that the tracker was up to date. And it's not. No. He foiled it. He foiled Domino's.

The 'failed son' phenomenon is a real thing when you are a famous celebrity's child.

Yeah. What's the saying? It's like the first one builds it. The second one maintains it. The third one destroys it.

FIFA is the one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit.

If there's one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit, it's FIFA. This is like number 100 on their list right now of things to take care of right behind building stadiums that look like vaginas using slave labor.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

I can get Big Cat a six-pack in one summer of training

If you come and spend a summer out here in Cali, how about I could show you guys? [Can you get me shredded in a summer?] Yeah. [Six-pack?] In a summer of training? Yeah.

Tom Cruise is the Tom Brady of movie stars.

He's Tom Brady. He's like the Tom Brady [of movie stars]. He does the movie star as an actor, the best way. He's a real movie star.

My goal was never to play college basketball; I just wanted to be a pro

Ultimately, my dream was never to play college basketball. That was not my main goal. My main goal was always to play in the NBA.

If I had chosen to go to college, I would have picked Kansas

No, if I'm being serious, I would have went to the University of Kansas.

You can't really dribble effectively with long shorts anyway; short shorts are the new wave.

Trendsetter. It's like the new wave. You can't dribble really with your shorts all long anyways.

The name 'Luke' is for punks; if you see a Luke, there's a good chance he's a punk.

Luke is a cocky guy name. If you see a Luke, there's a chance that he's probably a bit of a punk.

Eli Manning is probably a great French kisser because his mouth stays open all the time

He probably actually is a pretty good French kisser because his mouth just stays open at all times.

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

Giannis Antetokounmpo shrunk in every fourth-quarter situation against the Raptors

I feel bad for Bucks fans because they really did after up 2-0. They're like, this is going to be it. This is awesome. And Giannis [Antetokounmpo] just shrunk in every fourth quarter situation.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

I want Steph Curry to not win the Finals MVP just to keep that narrative alive

In order of things I want to happen, I want Steph [Curry] to not win the MVP no matter what just so that we can keep that narrative going. It's got to go to somebody crazy.

The Raptors vs. Warriors will be a competitive Finals series because Toronto has the best player

I actually think this is going to be a competitive series. I know you guys think it's going to be quick, quick work for the Warriors... the Raptors have the best all-around player [Kawhi Leonard] in this series.

Kawhi Leonard is gone from Toronto no matter what happens in the Finals

I think he's gone no matter what. I think he's made up his mind already no matter what. There could be a world where he's like, I really love it in Toronto, but losing or winning the finals won't change that.

The Raptors can beat the Warriors by physically roughing up Steph Curry

Concussing Steph Curry is the best way to beat the Warriors, I think. Just choke him out. The Warriors should be smart and just roll Boogie out there. I don't care if he's hurt or injured or whatever. Let him go out there on crutches and just have him beat the fuck out of him.

The University of Virginia is the 'Boston' of colleges

Another huge win for lacrosse. Virginia beat Yale. Virginia's just pretty much the Boston of colleges.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Bartolo Colon is definitely going to return to MLB

So he [Bartolo Colon] is going to be back. It's a pre-laden back. I saw a tweet saying that he was signed with the Tigers, and then everyone's like, that's fake news... but he is going to be back.