Takes

I bought a $160,000 Tesla so I would be forced to quit dipping

So the plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

Jared Goff reminds me of my friends, and I can't imagine my friends beating Bill Belichick and Tom Brady

Jared Goff... reminds me of my friends. He's very similar to my friends. I could not see any of my friends taking down [Bill] Belichick and Tom Brady.

Kawhi Leonard is definitely going to sign with a Los Angeles team after his sister's Instagram leak

Kawhi [Leonard] to Los Angeles confirmed. Yes, yes, pretty much. The uncle definitely knows. [The uncle] was in the background like, 'they know damn well he's not going to be here next year.'

Draymond Green is a top five uncle in professional sports

Draymond [Green] would be a top five uncle of professional athletes right now. He's like, I want to go hang out with Unky Draymond. Especially the one that's kind of fucked up and always angry at people.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

Admitting you have had sex thousands of times without a pregnancy while relying on 'pulling out' means you have 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten [a girl] pregnant when your main point is just pulling out... That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny like dead fish in there.

The speed at which a city's NFL players chug beer is directly correlated to the success of their local NBA/NHL teams

I said at the start of the playoffs, I was like, the speed in which your football players chug beers is directly correlated to your basketball team's success in the playoffs. And we've seen it time and again in the NHL, in the NBA. And guess what? [Aaron] Rodgers absolutely cursed [the Bucks].

If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you should be excommunicated

There's actually no state worse to be in and not be able to chug a beer than the state of Wisconsin. If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you've got to get out instantly.

Drake is a Canadian version of a trash-talker who waits to respond via subtle social media changes

That's the most Canadian response ever to a disc track is to just wait and then subtly change your social media. Yeah, take as much time as possible. That's as mean as they get in Canada.

Kawhi Leonard is such an efficient, robotic player that you don't even realize he has 35 points until the game is over

Kawhi [Leonard] is the fucking guy who... You can just watch a game and not realize that he's got 35 points. You know what I mean? Because it's so efficient and it's so robotic and steady throughout where it just happens.

Having Drake on the sidelines during the NBA Finals adds necessary intrigue to the series

I want Drake in the finals... I've thought about it, and having [Drake] on the sidelines for what I think would be a short NBA finals would add at least a little bit of intrigue to it.

The Warriors will win the 2019 NBA Finals in five games

I think the Warriors sweeper going five.

Jrue Holiday is arguably the best defensive guard in the NBA

Drew [Jrue] Holiday... Drew might be known as maybe as the best defensive guard in the NBA. I'm glad you're on. No, I agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Shut down Lillard in the playoffs last year.

In college basketball, you must 'plant a flag' and never lose games at home to build a real program

You just have to set that tone like you can't lose at home. If you're going to build a real program, you've got to plant a flag in your home arena.

Moving the college three-point line back will open the floor but might make the game uglier due to poor shooting

So we're going to the FIBA line... a foot and a half [back]. So the theory is that it'll open the floor up more. I'd agree with that. But again, are you going to stretch your defense if guys can't make the shot? So you have coaches that think it's going to be great. You have coaches that think, well, it's just going to be less guys can make it. So it's going to be uglier.

Successful coaches must ignore contractual perks and focus solely on what wins games

[Bob Huggins] taught me: Worry about things that matter. A lot of guys in our business, they worry about what car they're getting with their contract. Things that have nothing to do with winning. Just focus on what you need to do to win.

Instagram and social media are creating a mental health crisis because people compare their real lives to others' highlights

There's so much hate on social media. People are... I think the soul is not used to it. People then comparing themselves to everyone's highlights and Instagram. Instagram ain't the real world.

The Giants don't operate with urgency; Gettleman isn't on the hot seat despite the Daniel Jones pick

No, because the Giants don't operate that way. Giants have more patience in the GM than any team... GMs. Their GM has always made the picks.

The Giants are bad at collecting accurate intel on other teams' draft boards

The Daniel Jones thing, look, I think the Giants don't do a good job of finding out accurate information that other teams can do... When he [Gettleman] talked about the Redskins and the Broncos, that's not true... I think they could have waited past six [to draft Daniel Jones].

None of the 2019 quarterback prospects except Kyler Murray would have been first-rounders in the 2018 draft

And if you put... Any of those guys in last year's draft, I don't think any of them except Kyler would have been a first-round pick.

Baker Mayfield is a 'gangster' who will control the Browns' big personalities

Baker Mayfield is a gangster. He's not going to handle people trying to, me, me, me, I want the ball. He's going to put it where it needs to go, and he's going to control that locker room. Baker's different, man. He's special.

Rob Gronkowski might return to the NFL in November once the 'training wheels' of retirement come off

I think Gronk, once the training wheels come off, at one point I could see him go, you know what? We're close. I need three games. Like November. Why not?

The NFL should fire all current referees and replace them with Special Ops combat veterans

The nfl to fix its refereeing problem they should just fire all the refs and hire nothing but special ops... Special ops. And teach them how to officiate football games. Is that the reaction time for special ops guys are going to be better than these guys... You put them there together as a team... Plus, they got, you know, bullets are flying. These guys react better.

Marijuana is objectively a safer and better option for pain management than addictive opioids

[Marijuana] is probably better than the thing [opioids] that kills 70,000 people a year and was basically created by doctors and big health care to make a shitload of money at the expense of people getting hooked to very, very addictive drugs.

You will never win an argument online, so the best strategy is to never reply

Never reply online because you'll always lose. But if you do reply and you're going to be the reply guy, you might as well just go full reply all the time like Kevin Durant. There's no turning back the clock for Kevin Durant.

Direct messages on Twitter or Instagram officially count as 'texting' for reporting purposes

A text is a tweet, a DM, an Instagram DM, an Instagram comment... Broussard did the classic thing where... he says that Kevin Durant and he exchanged many DMs... he's not having it [the debate if a DM is a text]. It's all just a text now.

RBIs are the most important and only truly meaningful stat in baseball

RBIs are actually the most important stat when you actually look at it... The team who has the most RBIs... I'm not even counting runs anymore.

Drake is the worst for rubbing the coach's shoulders on the sideline

Drake is the worst. He is the star of the show up in Canada. So he was rubbing Nick Nurse's shoulders, giving him a little massage on the sidelines. You know what, Drake? You're from Canada. You should know better. It's like the Stanley Cup. You don't touch your coach's shoulders during a game until you win the title.

The Raptors-Bucks series is definitely going six games and probably seven

The series [Bucks vs. Raptors] obviously is going at least six. And I would guess seven. Like [PFT Commenter] said, the serve is being held.

The take that the Warriors are better without Kevin Durant is starting to look true

The kernel, the little fucking seed that got planted a few weeks ago, has now become a full tree, a take tree. Are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? It is a full-blown take tree. It's the tree that's dropping shit on your car now because you can't go anywhere without seeing this take. And it's starting to look kind of true.

Steph Curry can be more of himself when the offense runs through him instead of Kevin Durant

Steph Curry, the Warriors are not better without Kevin Durant because a superstar gives you more flexibility and injuries and all that shit. But Steph Curry is certainly better and can be more Steph Curry without Kevin Durant. When the offense runs through him and basically he shoots the lights out and he gets into these rhythms that you can't stop him.

St. Louis has never beaten Boston in a championship in any sport

St. Louis has never beat Boston in any championship ever.

St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever

The St. Louis-Chicago rivalry, St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever with the way they treat Cubs. Best fans in baseball. Careful. Anyone who's listening right now is a Cardinals fan. They'll admit this. They made all the jokes. They said the Cubs would never win one.

It will be a letdown if the Bruins lose even one game to the Blues in the Stanley Cup Final

The Red Sox swept the Cardinals both times. I think the Bruins in the past when they played them swept the Blues. So it's like if they lose even one of the games in the Stanley Cup, that will be kind of a letdown.

USA Rugby Sevens will be in striking distance of first place going into the Paris tournament

The point is that this is the penultimate. So it's the second to last tournament. If we're in striking range going into Paris. We already are. We're in first. Which is the last leg. I might pull a Hong Kong and just fly over to Paris. ... I'm going to say it right now. We'll be in fucking striking distance because I have faith in our boys.

Magic Johnson is a master of the media and spinning narratives

Can we just for a second note that Magic Johnson is a master of the media? Like, I know he's been getting dragged for a lot of things... but the guy can spin any spin zone. He went on First Take. He basically gets Stephen A. Smith on his side all like two hours before Rob Pelinka has to announce Frank Vogel as the new head coach and basically bringing up the fact that Frank Vogel was their sixth option. So Magic Johnson, hats off to you.

Blake Bortles has the leadership and experience to not flinch in big-time games

Jared and [Bortles] have a great relationship and anytime that you can get a guy like Blake where when you meet him... he's one of those guys, he's got a great demeanor where you're like, you know, this guy feels like a quarterback, a leader. Then you hear him a couple days out here just the way he commands a huddle you can see why his teammates believe in him... [He] has been in those types of games, in those atmospheres where you know he's not going to flinch.

I deserved the criticism for my coaching performance in Super Bowl LIII

I'm talking about the criticism of my coaching in the Super Bowl. I deserve it. ... I'd be lying if I said, you know, if things go a little off track, you probably have too many thoughts in your head and you would have a different rhythm. I don't necessarily know if you're working any less hard for the preparation, but, you know, Coach Belichick and the Patriots are, you know, they're the standard right now.

Zach Taylor is going to do a great job leading the Bengals in Cincinnati

Zach [Taylor]'s a guy that I had heard about... feel a presence about them when you talk to them. Zach's the same way. I think he'll do a great job leading with those guys in Cincinnati.

Zach Robinson is going to be a star on the coaching staff

We were able to get a guy on our staff in Zach Robinson, who he has some, you know, traits that remind you of both Matt [LaFleur] and Zac Taylor. And I think this guy's going to be a star. ... He studied as much film as anybody. When you ask, you know, he was putting in every coverage for all the past plays in the league every single week and did a good job for them.

Kliff Kingsbury is 'system hot' and hides behind his sunglasses

I think Kliff is fake hot. I think he's not as hot as advertised. I think he's system hot. He hides behind the sunglasses. He's tall. Yeah, he hides behind the sunglasses like a real coward.

The Bosa family are made of silk because they are so injury prone

The Bosa family, they're kind of doofies, doofuses, doofi? ... If you did a 23andMe on the Bosa family jeans, it's like 15% Anglo-Saxon and then 85% silk. Torn hamstrings. They're just made out of silk. Their hamstrings are Ming vases.

Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child because they look identical

We've been saying that it's a good possibility that Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child. And that picture that came out yesterday certainly I think lended a lot of credence. I think you could just put those side by side, most people in America would be like, yeah, that guy is somehow related.

Major League Baseball should allow Bartolo Colon to start one game for every team in a single season

Bartolo Colon is one of those guys that we should make a special rule where he should get to start one game for every single team for an entire season... Just call up, you get your Bartolo Colon game, and just pass him around, and he gets to play in every home stadium.

I'm setting the over/under for Hank's In-N-Out patties this week at 12.5

The number of patties of In-N-Out that Hank eats this week, I'm putting at 12.5.

I am quitting juicing cold turkey this week

I've decided to quit juicing this week. So, juicing was becoming a real problem for me... and I'm going cold turkey this week.

We are definitely kingmakers because Brooks Koepka dominated after appearing on the show

We need to start the show with the question, are we kingmakers? I think definitely we are. Because Brooks Koepka just dominated the PGA Championship.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

The NBA Finals between the Bucks and Warriors will not be an interesting series

I'm trying to get myself to a place where I'm saying it's going to be an interesting finals between the Bucks and the Warriors. I don't think it is... I'm just kind of thinking that I'm going to be very disappointed with it.

The Stanley Cup Finals will be the Blues vs. the Bruins

The Sharks just laid a fucking dud in San Jose. So I think it's going to be Blues Bruins.