Takes

I will have over 12 touchdown catches in 2019

I'm saying over for everything [including 12 touchdowns].

LeBron James is the GOAT

He's the GOAT, though. You've got to give it to him. Come on... Being in Cleveland, [LeBron James] was the GOAT.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end of all time

Yes, Gronk [is the GOAT]. I'm kind of upset he retired. I wish he stayed one more year because we were playing the Patriots this year.

Tennis balls are definitely green

I already know the answer to it. No, they're green... Yeah, they're probably green. They're definitely green.

Tennis balls are yellow

So I'm like a genius mind [for being in the 42% who say they are yellow]... I don't go with the sheep.

The Monday after the first weekend of March Madness is the worst Monday of the year

I actually contend it's the worst Monday of the year. [After] having nothing but games for four days nonstop, and then there's just an end. It just ends, and you're like, what the hell?

UCF would have beaten Duke if Taco Fall hadn't gotten into foul trouble

If Taco Fall didn't get foul trouble, which I think is impossible for Taco Fall to not get foul trouble because he basically just stands under the hoop and guys just jump into him, UCF wins that game.

The five-foul limit in college basketball is terrible and needs to be changed

I hate the five fouls in college basketball. Suck. They need to fix it.

UNC's Luke Maye has the weirdest voice in the world

Luke Maye might have the weirdest voice in the world. Have you heard him talk? He's like if Jason Aldean was in Bone Thugs. It doesn't work. When I watch him talk and I listen to him, he gives me a stroke.

Rick Pitino will sign with Alabama to be their next head coach

I'm going to get the last laugh when [Rick] Pitino signs with the Crimson Tide. [If he doesn't] then I'm going to delete the tweet.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in NFL history

Greatest of all time? Tight end? Not even a question. Greatest tight end of all time. Gronk is the first seven [PFF single season grades]. So basically every single year. He was amazing.

Rob Gronkowski will come back to the NFL halfway through the season when the Patriots call him

I think yes, halfway through the season. Like he just doesn't want to deal with offseason OTAs and all that stuff. And then if he's perfectly healthy halfway through the season and his Patriots lose someone, you don't think they're not going to call him?

The Motley Crue movie 'The Dirt' is ten times better than Bohemian Rhapsody

Motley Crue is also back... They put out a Netflix movie. I know Queen Bohemian Rhapsody won all the awards. This was like a 10 times better of a biopic movie. All sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I am canceling Orange Vanilla Coke and will never drink it because of the excessive advertising

Orange Vanilla Coke I saw seven million times, and I hate it. I will never drink an orange vanilla Coke. I am canceling orange vanilla Coke.

PFT Commenter looks like a greasier version of Post Malone

You look like a greasier version of Post Malone. He looks like he stinks worse than garbage. He looks like a New York City street.

Tom Izzo's coaching intensity is acceptable and challenges players to battle through adversity

I think that there's a line and [Tom Izzo] didn't cross it... he challenged you. There were some days where I'd go home and I'd have higher anxiety... but it turned me into the person I am today. You have to go through things like that... if you want to be coddled it's going to be a very tough life ahead.

The Arizona Coyotes will make the playoffs if they beat Minnesota and Colorado

They are only right now one point out of a playoff spot. They have Minnesota and Colorado, those are two teams that they are competing for that wild card position with... if they win those two games, it will be very close, and they'll have an opportunity to slide in.

Calgary and Winnipeg are the only Canadian teams with a realistic shot at winning the Stanley Cup

Calgary and Winnipeg are the only teams who have a shot. I don't think that Toronto's going to beat Boston first round.

Fighting is dead in hockey because social justice warriors have taken over and influenced the league

Fighting is dead in hockey... all these social justice warriors have kind of taken over and directed the league in a certain way. I feel bad for league officials... because it's just a constant barrage of people bitching about everything.

I would rather take punches to the face than block shots for a career

I would rather take punches to the face than have to block shots as a career... I'd like to take punches to the face rather than block shots. I was one of those guys where I just didn't like doing it, and sometimes I would flamingo.

Judge Judy is a rude diva who needs a 'hat sting' to humble her

I always didn't like her just because she's just so rude to people... she walks in [to a restaurant] and she goes [to my friend], 'take your hat off.' And she took it off his head and put it in his hands. I would have two hats on... Russian things that get smaller and smaller. My hats get smaller and smaller.

I would perform a sexual act with a cat for $2 million if it stayed secret

If no one was to find out, a couple sheets... a couple sheets, $2 million, and Hank would fuck a cat? Raw dog, too.

Antonio Brown is trying to convince himself he's happy in Oakland, but he will demand a trade within six weeks

I don't think he wants to be an Oakland Raider. And he's trying to convince himself that this is the good move... I wouldn't be shocked if he demands a trade within the first six weeks. That'd be amazing.

LeBron James' physical therapist's deleted Instagram post was a calculated excuse for his poor season

[LeBron's] physical therapist put out an Instagram that immediately deleted it... Classic LeBron. To just put it out there, let everyone know that he actually was dealing with a way worse injury, but then have it deleted... this was the ultimate excuse, just a very well-planned excuse.

No elite head coach will want to take the Lakers job

No really good coach is going to want to go there [Lakers], though. Jason Kidd's like the top of the list that you can get. And he's not good.

Mike Francesa invented the concept of a podcast co-host

He invented co-hosts. Mike Francesa, in addition to Daily Fantasy, has invented co-hosts. My idea.

Watching college basketball for 15 hours a day is a sport in itself

Watching college basketball for 15 hours a day is a sport. It is. It is literally a sport, and we're pretty fucking good at it.

Ja Morant will be a Chicago Bull

Ja Morant, future Chicago Bull, Ja Morant was lights out. And Murray State dominated Marquette.

I would have taken Tom Izzo in a fight against his own players

[Tom Izzo] was going at him. And you know what? I would have taken Tom Izzo in the fight. He looked like he should be on the sidelines wearing a white tank top with a stain on it. He was on Cops holding a pint of Jack. He was very, very angry.

Bill Self and Kansas will collapse in the Sweet 16

Kansas dominated, which was like the classic everyone loves Northeastern. And then Kansas came out and was like, hey, we might suck. We might be a shitty version of Kansas this year, but we're still Kansas... we'll wait until we get to the Sweet 16 for Bill Self to collapse.

Darren Rovell's brand is being the guy who 'forgot' to fill out a bracket

Darren knows brands. And my suspicion is he realized at the very last minute that his brand is being the guy that doesn't fill out a bracket and tells you that he didn't. And so he was like, it'd be bad. It would just be a bad change of pace.

Liberty University is the best Cinderella story because of their midnight curfew

I would say Liberty is a better Cinderella story because they have to be home by midnight. That's actually a rule on campus. True, true. That is. Some steep curfew for them. Yeah, Liberty, they're my team this year.

The stripes on a college football enhance the look of a spiral compared to an NFL ball

The stripes on the college... because the college ball has extra stripes. It does enhance the ability of what a spiral looks like. Because you get the NFL, you really can't tell.

Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen

I watched him [Jamarcus Russell] throw. I was like, holy hell. That dude had the strongest arm I've ever seen. I know you guys are big Josh Allen fans. I'm a big Josh Allen fan. Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen.

Joe Thomas's draft day fishing story was staged

Joe Thomas. He didn't even go to the draft. Yeah, exactly. He was fishing. Which is the biggest BS... There's no way that boat got that far off the dock before it came right back. I just thought, I was like, this had to have been staged. Because either A, you're getting so far out, you don't have cell phone reception. Or B, it wasn't going to time out... I think he got [the fish] from the supermarket. They just put it on the boat.

Baltimore is one of the most stable and consistent places in the NFL to play quarterback

Had I ended up in Baltimore, Flacco ends up getting drafted the next year there. I think, I mean, it's a stable situation. They have a great defense, a good running game. It's been a more of a stable, consistent place to play quarterback.

Urban Meyer would be a great head coach for Notre Dame

But Urban Meyer, he's going to be the next coach in Notre Dame, right? ... But you would like him as a head coach, right? Yeah, of course. He's one of the greatest of all time in college football.

Tim Tebow's inaccuracy was caused by over-thinking his mechanics after constant criticism

The problem is the biggest thing is if no one told him his throwing motion was messed up, he'd probably throw the ball with so much more confidence. What happened with him is... everyone started doubting him and his ability to like actually be accurate... if you're already thinking that before you throw the football, game over.

Wahlburgers makes bad burgers

But his burgers suck. I didn't like the burgers. It was just a bad experience. I went to one in Orlando. I was like, eh, that's not very good.

I was definitely willing to break the arm of the man trying to steal my car

Were you willing to break his arm? Because that's a true armbar. Oh, yeah. I was definitely willing to break his arm. Yeah, but he basically was like, stop and cry. He basically verbally tapped. Yeah, he verbally tapped, but that didn't stop me.

The fullback is the one who actually makes the quarterback successful

Well, [John Kuhn] played, if you look at who he played with, his quarterbacks, Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre, and Drew Brees. There's an argument to be made that the fullback makes the quarterback.

Fullback assists should be an official NFL stat

I would like to actually make the fullback assist a real stat that's recognized. So that's whenever a running back scores a touchdown inside the five-yard line and a fullback makes a block, they should get an assist like in hockey or in soccer.

The MLB retiring Ichiro at 7 AM in Japan is the worst way to stay relevant

Way to Stay Relevant Baseball, having one of the most liked superstars in the past probably 50 years retire at 7 a.m. when no one was watching in Japan... And on top of all of that, I actually woke up and... I went to Twitter to try to find some clips. Well, another one, MLB. I forgot. No one can tweet any clips from your product. So I couldn't even see Ichiro's last thing until you uploaded it on yourself. So good job, MLB.

Baseball writers will hold Ichiro's unannounced retirement against him in Hall of Fame voting

This is going to cost him some votes in the Hall of Fame. When he's eligible, people are saying that he might be another unanimous entry... but I would not put it past baseball writers to get upset about not getting the heads up about his retirement and hold that against him five years from now.

Nick Saban paid Bill Belichick to wear an Alabama shirt to help recruit white wide receivers

I think that Saban paid him to wear the shirt because Saban knows they need to do a better job recruiting the Hunter Renfros of the world... What better way to recruit the, like, scrappy little white wide receivers than have Belichick be the new face of your program?

Eli Manning is still a good quarterback and the Giants know exactly what they're doing

This narrative that Eli [Manning] is overpaid and can't play is a crock. Dave Gettleman, the quote machine. Just wanted to get that out of the way. All you asking out there, the Giants know exactly what they're doing. Eli is still good.

Sean McVay will turn Blake Bortles into the greatest quarterback of all time

Sean McVay is about to get his hands on that clay and mold [Blake Bortles] into the greatest quarterback of all time. Well, second. One and one A with him and Jared Goff. I'm so excited for the Bortles.

The Rams will return to the Super Bowl with Blake Bortles hoisting the Lombardi trophy

Looking forward to the Rams going back to the Super Bowl. [Blake] Bortles hoisting that Lombardi trophy over his beautiful, beautiful, full head of hair.

The 2019 NCAA champion will come from a group of seven teams: Virginia, Duke, Michigan State, UNC, Gonzaga, Michigan, or Kentucky

There has been no team that has ever won the tournament that hasn't finished in the top 20 in adjusted offense and adjusted defense. I'm going to give you the teams right now. So if you're waiting to fill out your bracket, here are the teams that you should pick from. Virginia, Duke, Michigan State, North Carolina, Gonzaga, Michigan, Kentucky.

Duke will not reach the championship game because their three-point percentage is too low

Duke's three-point percentage is 30.2. It is the lowest in Division I men's basketball... no team, I repeat, no team has ever gotten to the championship game with a three-point percentage that low.