Takes

The New York Giants draft hat looks like it has a barbed wire tattoo

The Giants one looks like it's got a barbed wire tattoo around the entire hat, which is very appropriate for the fan base.

LeBron James has smelly breath and halitosis

LeBron James has smelly breath, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Not just because of the wine, but because LeBron definitely is surrounded by yes men, and he probably just does his halitosis breath in everyone's face. You think Maverick Carter's going to be like, hey, Bron, how about a fucking piece of Trident?

Conception in doggy style makes you more likely to have twins

If you have sex doggy style, you're more likely to have twins. That's a fact. If she's on top, you're more likely to have a girl. If a guy's on top, you're more likely to have a dude because you're dominant.

You cannot get pregnant in a jacuzzi and pre-cum always results in a soccer player

Can't get pregnant in a jacuzzi. Pre-cum is a soccer player. All these are facts. These are just stone cold facts.

Zion Williamson was the college basketball season and his departure leaves a hole in the Final Four.

I'm going to miss Zion a lot because he was so much fun to watch this season. He was the college basketball season, and he leaves like a hole in all of our hearts for the Final Four. Zion was the only one who, like, wanted it, I felt like, a lot of times during this Duke run.

Tom Izzo is a very overrated coach because he does not win enough championships.

I still think that Izzo is very, very, very overrated. Final fours. Yeah, that's fine... When was the last time they won a championship? I'm about rings, dude. I don't know about you. I don't care about Final Fours, all that bullshit.

Kentucky would destroy Auburn if the game were played on an NBA court instead of a college court.

[Kentucky] has too many NBA caliber players and it doesn't translate to college ball. Kentucky would destroy Auburn on an NBA court... That's actually very, very true.

I doubt the Gonzaga basketball program will ever be able to get over the hump and win a national championship.

I doubt that that [Gonzaga] program will ever get over that hump. It's just they've got that stink on them now. And it's tough to wash it out.

Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals are going to make another deep playoff run.

So this is all lining up for the Caps to make another deep playoff run... I would be very, very afraid if I were the Eastern Conference right now. Very afraid. Very afraid. I'm just calling it. It's our year.

Coach K and John Calipari are more focused on building their brands than winning basketball games.

Cal and Coach K are not playing the same game as everyone else. They're not trying to win basketball games. They're trying to win their brand. They're trying to build their brands and keep the machine just churning. And they don't want anyone to notice.

Coach K has entered the 'Paterno phase' of his career where he is no longer actually coaching.

First of all, can we just acknowledge that [Coach K] has entered the Paterno phase of his career where he's just trying not to shit his pants as the game's going on. He's not actually coaching. That's the thing. This season was such a disaster from Duke... How do you have a team full of freshmen get worse as the season goes on?

Zion Williamson is 'one bad weekend away' from being fat.

Zion Williamson, the best way to describe him is, as a bigger guy myself, he's one bad weekend away from being fat. Like, if I go one weekend where I just eat like shit, drink like shit, don't sleep very well, I'll come in Monday morning and everyone will be like, whoa, dude, what happened to you? And it can happen that fast.

The gap between Zion Williamson and the second-best player in college basketball is the largest I have ever seen.

I can't remember a time in my life where the gap between the best player in college basketball and the second best player was so big as it was this year.

Auburn is a nightmare matchup for Virginia because they play fast and shoot a high volume of threes.

Auburn is a nightmare matchup for Virginia in the sense that they play fast and shoot a ton of threes... That's always been Virginia's kryptonite, is teams that just bomb threes on them. So, I don't know. Auburn might be all right.

Texas Tech might be the best team in the country right now.

Texas Tech might honestly be the best team in the country right now. They just beat Gonzaga, who I thought was kind of the best team in the country, and they beat them pretty, like, it didn't feel like a fluke. It felt like Gonzaga played really well in that game, and Texas Tech was just better.

I can see a scenario where the Lakers fail to sign a single big-name free agent this offseason.

I could see a scenario where they don't sign a single big-name free agent this offseason. I really can't.

I am going to miss watching LeBron James in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Everyone out there, please remind us how much fun it's been to talk about LeBron this year because I will have a moment in the first round of the playoffs where I'll be like, I kind of wish LeBron was here.

I will eat PFT Commenter's ass if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby.

They were talking about the Home Run Derby and if Christian Yelich ever got in it and won, that [Big Cat] would eat PFT Commenter's ass. Yes. And so when I saw that tweet, it just reminded me... I'll fucking eat PFT's ass, whatever.

Matt Painter is the new Bo Ryan

We have Purdue, Matt Painter keeping it real, as John Rothstein says. Matt Painter, the new Bo Ryan.

The Purdue vs. Tennessee game was the best game of the tournament so far, second only to Duke

Matt Painter, you have slightly less of a stupid face, and I'm going to say some nice things about Purdue, but that [Purdue vs. Tennessee] was the game of the tournament other than the Duke game.

Tennessee should not be allowed to wear their Indiana-style warm-up colors

My big takeaway was the Tennessee uniforms. They should not be allowed to wear those pants and those warm-ups and those colors. Those are Indianas. Those are Indianas.

The 2019 Texas Tech vs. Michigan game was classic Big Ten football played on a basketball court

It was classic Big Ten football. Just on a basketball court. [Michigan] scored 16 points in the first half... Two touchdowns and two two-point conversions.

I deserve credit for Virginia reaching the Elite Eight because I guaranteed they would make it

I actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I deserve some credit, don't I? Because I guarantee that Virginia will get to the Elite Eight at least. I put them on my back. I believe in them.

The fact that Philly fans booed Bryce Harper on the first day is why Philly is great

Reacting to a 13-year contract on the first day is so fucking awesome, and that's why Philly is great. It does set a tone.

Baseball managers should be required to manage shirtless

If you're a manager, it should be mandatory that you're shirtless. Just the pants and the belt. We should do bodies of baseball, and it's just all the managers.

Good coaches make talented players like Jordan Howard fit their offense instead of trading them

Being like [Jordan Howard] doesn't fit our offense, good coaches make talented players fit their offense.

Mike Brown is a guy who just gets 'bumped' and alpha'd

Ever since LeBron bumped Mike Brown, I'm like, Mike Brown could just be bumped. He's a guy who just can be bumped... You get bumped on national television once, everyone just can kind of alpha you and bump you.

The scented candle incident could be what brings down the Golden State Warriors

A scented candle, $15. I bet they wish that this story never got out. [Kevin Durant] was involved in these hijinks from the start... So he's breaking the team up. That little jokester. Maybe this is what brings down the Warriors. Candlegate.

Duke is going to lose and Hank will have to get a cat

As of midnight on Friday night, Henry Lockwood is going to be an owner of a cat. He will have to get the cat afterwards... But Duke's going to lose.

Sports owners focus much more on winning than making money

I think most owners in sports are much more focused on winning than they are making money from the business... I think they think winning first. And if you win, then profits follow.

The Sixers are the second biggest team in Philly, behind only the Eagles

When the team was acquired by our group in 2011 – We were the fourth team in the market. It was 100%. It was Eagles, Phillies, Flyers, Sixers. Today, without question, it's Eagles, Sixers.

Robert Kraft is the reason for the 'sneakers with suits' revolution

Robert's wearing sneakers. He's worn sneakers for as long as I've known him, and he's made it cool, and I think so many other people are doing it now. I think he actually kind of kicked that off. So I think I give him 100% credit for the sneaker revolution, for guys wearing those with suits.

I will own an NFL team in the future

I'm a young guy. I think it's a great opportunity. It's something I'd like to do in the future.

The Seattle Seahawks are not a good ownership situation for me

The Seattle Seahawks, which are, you know, people say are going to be sold over the next couple of years. That's not a great situation for me. It's in the Pacific Northwest. I live in the Northeast.

Brett Bielema will be the next Patriots defensive coordinator

Brett Bielema, defensive coordinator? That's what it looks like, actually. Bert is going to be back?

I am going to get a food trend to go viral by claiming New Yorkers dunk cereal in toilet water

I'm going to tweet from the Pardon My Take account right now... Anyone else dunk their cereal in toilet water before they eat it, or is that just an NYC thing? I'm saying at minimum 10,000 retweets by tomorrow morning.

Cliff Kingsbury is too pretty to win a Super Bowl

Cliff Kingsbury, that guy's too fucking smooth... you can't win a Super Bowl looking that pretty.

Antonio Brown already wants off the Raiders

Antonio Brown is still subtweeting people. He's still going after people... my theory's right. Like, he doesn't want to be a Raider... He's like one step away from being like, I love the Raiders so much and this is the best move of my entire life. I'm so happy and here's a podcast telling you how happy I am.

The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central

The Tigers are in the Central, right? Oh, wow. Tigers... Is Vegas always right? [Vegas win total 68]

The Giants will win the NL West

And then in the NL West, we'll go with the Giants.

The Cincinnati Reds will win the NL Central

Then in the Central, I'm going to go my Reds. My Reds are looking pretty good. Central's going to be tough this year. They got Puig. People forget.

The Chicago Cubs will have a rebound year and win the NL Central

NL Central, the Cubs are going to win. This is the rebound year. I can feel it.

Bryce Harper will retire by midseason due to the Philadelphia media

I also predict that Bryce Harper is going to retire by midseason because the Philadelphia media and fans will be too much for him to handle.

Big Baller Brand is officially coming to an end

Big Baller Brand is in hot water. It might be the end of Big Baller Brand... Lonzo Ball's manager apparently stole like a million and a half dollars from him. So he got fired... yeah, they're just, it's probably, probably the end of Big Baller Brand.

Sean Miller will never get in trouble for the Arizona basketball recruiting scandals

Sean Miller's never going to get in trouble for that [the DeAndre Ayton payment rumors]. Yeah. Next he's going to have an exposé about Reggie Bush's mom's house.

Robert Kraft is probably guilty despite his 'not guilty' plea

Mr. Kraft... Not guilty. That's his plea. He still probably is guilty, but he pled not guilty. He pled not guilty to not being sorry. He's truly sorry for disappointing people, but he has pled not guilty.

Rob Gronkowski will eventually come back and play football

And [Gronk] is going to come back. No, I was [listening], but Belichick doesn't talk in hypotheticals... I can be a Belichick guy, but also be my own person [and say he's coming back].

A team's connectedness is more important than talent or coaching

You can't be in the Sweet 16, or it's rare if you're in the Sweet 16, if you think it's only based on talent or if it's only based on coaching. There have to be a lot of other intangibles... it's the connectedness of your staff and the example that your staff sets for your team.

Odell Beckham Jr. is fully committed and ready to go with the Cleveland Browns

He's ready to go. I'm telling you he's ready to go. Guaranteed ready to go... competition [for the ball] is going to be fun.

The Cleveland Browns will win over 12.5 games in 2019

Over [12.5 wins]. Do you expect me to say under to that? Guaranteed.