Takes

Jim Harbaugh is in actual trouble at Michigan because he can't get his team emotionally prepared for Ohio State

I think [Jim Harbaugh] is in actual trouble at Michigan... He doesn't have those guys emotionally prepared to play Ohio State, whereas Urban Meyer makes a bunch of kids from Florida and all over the country somehow hate the state of Michigan to a level that, like Jim Harbaugh, it feels like every time they get to that big game, they fall completely flat.

Michigan football doesn't matter anymore

Here's the difference between me and you. I know what I am. You still think Michigan matters. You still think we're in 1960. I know that Wisconsin winning nine games in the Pinstripe Bowl is cool with me. You think you're competing for national championships, and you're not.

Ohio State will stop beating the crap out of everyone now that Urban Meyer is gone

He's [Urban Meyer] going to go play golf or whatever that famous golf course is... and then suddenly Ohio State's not going to be beating the crap out of everybody. I don't know. Okay, you think [Ryan Day] will beat the crap out of everyone?

Antonio Brown exposing Ben Roethlisberger's 'owner mentality' is not news because everyone knows Ben is a dick

Antonio Brown... basically explained his conflict with Ben Roethlisberger, basically saying Ben Roethlisberger has an owner mentality and he can call everybody out... I don't really think Antonio Brown, if you want to go a certain route with this to gain public favor, being like, hey, Ben Roethlisberger's a dick, too, is not really—we all know that.

Antonio Brown will likely end up back with the Steelers after meeting with Art Rooney II

I actually still think he's going to somehow be a Steeler because someone asked who would be those teams that you'd like to play for, and he basically was like, best interest is for first meeting with Mr. Rooney.

Bryce Harper is going to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies

Bryce Harper, it's alleged that he's going to be signing with the Phillies any day now... I think he's going to be a Philly.

Colin Kaepernick likely has a clause in his settlement preventing him from ever playing in the NFL again

I gathered this from what Florio said, which was it's very common in these types of settlements to have a clause in there saying that he will never work for that league again. So it might be in his contract that he'll never be an NFL player again. And honestly, I'm kind of okay with that because of how exhausting the takes would be on every single pass that he threw.

John Elway is officially canceled as a GM

John Elway has been canceled. He is obsessed with height. Height is not everything. He has traded for Joe Flacco... John Elway will not hear of anything unless you are a tall, rocket arm quarterback. And guess what? He's been canceled... He cannot find a quarterback.

Every man over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

Every guy that's over 6'5 is an asshole... Every guy over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

Paxton Lynch is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback of the last 25 years

Paxton Lynch, I'm going to say it right now, is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback that has ever been drafted in the past 25 years... No one even knows if Paxton Lynch is good or not because he only played four games... a guy that you will soon just forget even existed.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Joe Flacco is just a product of the Baltimore offensive system

This is the year where we find out if Joe Flacco is good or if he's just a product of that awesome Baltimore offensive system that's been so good throughout the years.

Eli Manning and Joe Flacco are the exact same player.

Eli Manning, Joe Flacco, the exact same guy. Average, and then a couple moments where they just shine brighter than everyone else.

The NBA should add an 'oldest guy who can still dunk' contest to All-Star Weekend.

We should, to make the dunk contest better, before the dunk contest, they should do a contest, oldest guy that can dunk. So oldest NBA player that can still dunk.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

If Duke doesn't reach the Sweet 16, I will buy and keep a cat

Sweet 16, you got a deal... So if Trey Jones is injured, they'll still get to the Sweet 16... No, you guys definitely fucking planned this before the show... I'm so confident in Duke that it doesn't matter.

The Rams didn't add a single wrinkle to their offense for the Super Bowl

I couldn't believe that either. They really didn't do not one wrinkle... They got so many good players. They got so many things they've done all year. And the one play they gave us, which was a wrinkle, was the Brandin Cooks screen that hit for a little bit. And that was it.

Cody Parkey is still a good kicker and the Bears should have kept him.

I know there's a lot of haters to Cody Parkey, but I still think he's a good kicker... I think they should reset. Keep him around... Can't have a bad year? Look at the totality of his career. He's a good kicker.

Max Kellerman won the Super Bowl because the Patriots validated him by acknowledging his takes.

Max Kellerman won the Super Bowl more than anyone else... he owned all of you... Because he is outlandish. He's hot take-ish. He said Tom Brady was old... you guys played into his hands and you went on his show... That is literally his dream... his dream is that the Patriots then come and answer to him.

Defensive units cannot last in the modern NFL without constantly evolving their scheme week-to-week.

Bill [Belichick] keeps players engaged because you're always evolving. You're not the same thing each and every week because I don't think you can last anymore in the NFL. People are going to pick you apart unless you have those outlandish defenses where you got freak athletes.

I am not going to the White House to celebrate the Super Bowl win.

No. I might make TMZ for that... People make it more big of a deal like this will probably get blown up.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season to save himself for the NBA.

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore.

The dog show needs more controversy to become a mainstream interest.

I actually think this is exactly what Westminster needs. More controversies will get us to a point where dog shows become mainstream... we need to get some kind of maybe put it up to a fan vote.

The Steelers should trade Antonio Brown back to the Steelers for a fresh start

Antonio Brown's a free agent. He wants to leave Pittsburgh... so just trade Antonio Brown to the Steelers. New start. New us.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Dogs love vaping and it is a relatively unknown scientific fact

Dogs love vape. It's a relatively unknown fact, but I would imagine that the more chill a dog is, the higher percentage it has to win its competition.

Kyler Murray will be a first-round NFL draft pick

Kyler Murray has made the correct decision, and he's going to be an NFL quarterback. A really good one, probably, too. And now we get to debate for the next two months whether he will be a first-rounder, which he will. He will be.

Having a pass batted at the line of scrimmage is better than throwing an interception

I submit that getting your passes batted at the line of scrimmage is better because some of those balls would have turned into interceptions. So Brock Osweiler throws a lot of balls that don't get tipped. And he trips over himself. That's why he throws so many interceptions.

An NFL starting quarterback is the apex predator of the sports world

If you have the choice of being an NFL quarterback or an outfielder, maybe an outfielder for the Oakland A's, it's not really a choice. And it's like you're it's the national brand of being a national hero versus being maybe at your absolute peak... starting quarterbacks in the NFL are the top, they're apex predators in the sports world.

Will Grier is the ideal quarterback for the Patriots to draft as Tom Brady's successor

I pray that [the Patriots' next QB] is Will Grier. He's primed for that late first round, second round, third round even.

Quarterback draft stock only ever goes up as the NFL Draft approaches

Wherever [a quarterback] is going to be drafted today, he will be drafted higher once the draft comes. Because every quarterback just keeps going up and up and up.

NFL quarterbacks lose value like used cars after their first year but regain it after starting for two seasons

The thing about NFL quarterbacks that are drafted in the first round, they immediately lose value. They're like a used car once you take them off the lot. So Josh Rosen lost a lot of value this year... but then once you're a starting quarterback for two years or more, then you gain value.

El Chapo will escape from prison because no jail in the world can actually contain him

If [El Chapo] is not already escaped, you think that there's a jail in the world that can contain El Chapo?

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

The Lakers will miss the NBA playoffs this season

The Los Angeles Lakers, if the playoffs started today, would not be in it. They'll be three games out after tonight's loss to the Hawks... LeBron [James] out of my arm. I don't want to miss the playoffs. Rondo hit the game winner, and it was like, well, problem solved. The Lakers are okay. And then they're out of the playoffs right now.

Matthew Stafford will own major passing records and still be considered a bad quarterback

Matthew Stafford is going to be a real problem for the NFL Hall of Fame. when he plays 10 more years and has every record and is the shittiest quarterback of all time. Matthew Stafford was basically the most perfect, terrible quarterback to come along and play as much as he is. If he plays for like 10 more years, he will have every record.

The Jets will sign Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell but still win only six games

This is going to be just the Jets getting Antonio Brown in, Le'Veon Bell, and then still winning six games, right? Yes. Because that's going to be... It's going to be so funny.

Blake Bortles and the Jaguars effectively ruined the Steelers franchise

We're all in agreement, though, that Blake Bortles and the Jaguars broke the Steelers last year, right? Absolutely ruined that franchise.

Poodles are often favored in dog shows because their glamour catches judges' eyes better than low-key breeds

The glamorous dog catches [the judge's] eye... the Dalmatian, I think it's overlooked because of there's so many glamorous dogs in the non-sporting group and two of them are poodles.

There are no bad dogs in the world, only bad owners

All dogs are good. It's only owners that are dickheads. True. No bad dogs, only bad owners. That's a fact.

The white toy poodle is a favorite to win Westminster Best in Show because of its incredible movement in the ring

In the toy group... there's a little toy, white toy poodle. Just not for me. But take a look at this dog in terms of the dog stuff, not the hair, but watch it move. Watch its gait. Watch its move. It flies around the ring like a big dog.

Getting hit in the nuts is the ultimate comedic punchline that no comedian can top

I think that's the ultimate punchline... No, I think getting hit in the nuts is... I have no jealousy as a comedian [of the guy who gets kicked in the balls].

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price so the Browns could sign him cheaply

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

The AAF outrating the NBA proves America loves football over everything else

We [the AAF] outrated the NBA game, the primetime NBA game, showing that America loves football over everything else, which we already know and we agree with.

The AAF should schedule their season to end exactly when March Madness begins

What would be great is if they did the schedule... when you get to February, you can play the remainder of your season so that the Super Bowl of the AAF ends right before March Madness begins. Because I'm just being totally honest... there are certain points in the year of sports that I just won't choose a minor league football team... over what I usually watch.

Tom Brady is a prisoner of his own success because of his extreme superstitions

Tom Brady's success is so successful and won so many Super Bowls, how many little things like this do you think he does in a day-to-day basis where he's like, well, it's helped me get to where I'm at? He's basically stuck in the most superstitious life of all time... He's permanently stuck upside down because he keeps winning Super Bowls... He's a prisoner of his own success.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Deshaun Watson is a much better pocket passer than people realize

I think he's a good pocket passer. I think that that's one thing that people, when you think of [Deshaun Watson], you immediately think of a guy that can move around and get away from pressure, but he is good in the pocket.

Core work is the most important thing for an athlete because everything connects to it

Tons and tons of core work to make sure that my core is locked in... Core is important. It's extremely important. It's the most important. That's what they say. Everything attaches to your core.