Takes

I will likely lose weight when I retire because I only eat this much to maintain my size

I think I'll lose weight [when I retire]... because I don't necessarily love eating as much as I do. I know I have to. So it's much more now of just eating to keep the weight on and keep the muscle on. But when I'm done, I'll probably eat three regular meals a day and not get crazy with it.

I honestly thought I could be a Premier League goalie with one year of training

I swore I could be a Premier League goalie. And she's [my girlfriend, Kealia Ohai] a soccer player. So I was like, give me one year to train. I think I can do it. So she goes, okay, come to the field... She smoked a ball past my face so fucking fast. And I was like, no chance. You can give me five years to train. No chance.

Being a professional athlete in America ruins your ability to be a fan because you know how the business works

American sports, I know how free agency works. I know how these backdoor conversations, I know how all the inner workings of it, and it kind of screws you up as a fan because it's hard to get fully into a team because you know how it all goes in the back end. So I'm watching [Premier League]... I don't know what the hell these transfer fees are... So I just blindly am a fan.

The Premier League is the most appeasing thing to watch in the morning because the green pitch lulls you like the Masters

The Premier League, part of the reason why people like watching it... it's very appeasing in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. The pitch is so green, and it just kind of lulls you. It's like almost watching the Masters. It is a very nice, easy way to start the day.

If J.J. Watt had played rugby, he would be the greatest player ever and the U.S. would have won gold

If you had dedicated yourself to rugby when you were in high school, you would probably be the best rugby player in the history of the game, by far. And the U.S. probably would have won a gold medal.

There is no athlete in the world who could beat me in every single sport

I have a hypothetical that I've always said... there's no athlete in the world that could beat me in every single sport. You [JJ Watt] couldn't beat me in every single sport. There's one sport I could beat you in. I don't know what it is, but I could find it. I think it might be swimming with turns.

The Celtics should trade whatever it takes to get Anthony Davis in his prime

If you can get a player like Anthony Davis in his prime, you do whatever it takes to get him. It's the exact same thing as the Khalil Mack situation. ...In the offseason, they're probably going to trade their entire team for Anthony Davis.

The Celtics are going to go on a run where they win eight out of their next eleven games

You can book the Celtics going on like an 8 out of 11 streak from here on out. Book it. Soon.

No one is beating Duke in the 2019 NCAA Tournament

I mean, it's Duke's year. No one is beating Duke. No one. This is not happening. They are a special team with a special coach.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

Bob Costas is the first-ballot Hall of Famer of smelling his own farts

Listen, I like Bob Costas because he's got a big game voice and we grew up with Bob Costas, but he is number one in the Smell Your Own Farts Hall of Fame. He farts in his hand and cups it and puts it right to his nose.

Workers who cross picket lines as scabs should form their own union

I had this idea on Saturday to make a union of scabs. So scabs should unionize... scabs are the guys that come in and they take [picket-liners'] jobs and they'll go ahead and they'll work for lower pay... But the scabs themselves should unionize. It's like they should get together and demand better treatment.

LeBron James screwed over the Lakers by trying to tamper for Anthony Davis

LeBron screwed the Lakers. LeBron screwed the Lakers... This was like the most blatant act of tampering of all time... And now everyone hates him on the Lakers. And it's hilarious.

The Pelicans' refusal to trade Anthony Davis was a battle of owners reasserting power over players

The ownership decided this is where it stops. This is where it all stops. It was a battle of millionaires versus people of wealth. And the people of wealth said, you know what? We care more about football than we do about the NBA.

The Pelicans were smart to wait on the Anthony Davis trade to see the draft pick order and negotiate with the Celtics

The Pelicans did the smart thing, and they were just waiting to see who has what pick in the draft. And also, they can negotiate with the Celtics now, too. It was a smart move by the Pelicans [to] wait and see where all the picks land, see if the Celtics want to offer a better offer and not just trade Anthony Davis because he wants to be traded.

LeBron James will fake an injury down the stretch to avoid the embarrassment of missing the playoffs

I'm predicting right now LeBron will have some kind of injury coming down the stretch... There's no way LeBron James is going to play the rest of the season and miss the playoffs. Like, willingly do that.

If you have a young player that has a good week, you should trade them immediately for a superstar

The lesson I learned is if you have a young player that has a good week, you trade him immediately. Right away. Get the fuck out of here and we'll get some older guy that's a superstar.

The Sixers are 'all in' on winning a championship this year

The Sixers are all in. They traded Markelle Fultz. They traded for Tobias Harris. They're all in. They're trying to win a championship this year.

Trent Richardson's Pro Football Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend in the AAF

Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend for Trent Richardson.

San Antonio and Memphis are the best barbecue cities in the AAF

I think overall I have the best barbecue situation, San Antonio and Memphis [in the AAF].

You should stop saying 'Thank you for your service' to veterans and just talk to them normally

If you can think of probably anything to say, and you guys are smart, witty, clever guys, I would always suggest say something other than thank you for your service to a vet... maybe just like, how's it going? Hey, you're a human being. I'd like to talk with you.

Einstein marrying his cousin proves we shouldn't judge geniuses by conventional standards

I think that just ties into the theory that you shouldn't judge geniuses and we shouldn't hold them to our standards of convention. [Standards of not marrying your family]... I would probably say that.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

Roger Goodell's wife is awesome for using burner accounts to defend him

The one thing I'll say nice about Roger Goodell, he has to be doing something right to have such a ride-or-die wife. His wife is awesome, and she put those burner accounts together to defend him. She's a cool chick.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

Kevin Durant creates the mercurial media narrative he hates by getting mad at reasonable questions

Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. Don't get so upset because then it creates a whole – Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. So it's just a constant dog chasing its tail.

I support a three-batter minimum for MLB relief pitchers

Three batter minimum, love it... I actually think they should go further with that. I think they should have a, if you come in on an inning, you have to finish the inning. Just watch guys get fucking torched.

A ground rule double in baseball should count as a home run

I also think that a ground rule double should be a home run. Not the weird one where it gets stuck in the ivy, but just if it bounces over, I think that should count as a home run.

QuadrigaCX CEO Gerald Cotten fake-died in India to steal everyone's Bitcoin

This guy is alive. He has all your Bitcoin. If you have Bitcoin with him, I'm sorry, but he's fake dead and you're shit out of luck. He went to India and now he's dead? That is the best place to die if you're going to fake it. He is whale fucking with John McAfee.

I wanted the Patriots to win another Super Bowl now because Tom Brady's window is closing

I would say the Patriots just because Brady's window is closing. So the more he can get in before he retires, the better.

The Anthony Davis trade to the Lakers is basically done because LaVar Ball is talking again

LeVar comes out of the rock he was under, silent for the last six months, now saying he wants Lonzo to go to Phoenix... that just tells me the trade's been done because LeVar knows he no longer has to worry about LeBron paying him his hush money.

The Bitcoin exchange CEO who reportedly died with the passwords is not actually dead

There's no way he's dead, right? There hasn't been a good fake death in a while... He is living it high with, he's probably fucking whales with John McAfee in wherever the hell they are.

Brad Calipari's presence on the sideline is a psychological advantage for Kentucky

I truly do think [Brad Calipari] is a plus for Kentucky... when you show up and you have to play Kentucky, you're already in an uphill battle because they're a good team. And then you see this guy just mean mugging you with his half black half blue jean jacket... it just adds to the whole mystique of Kentucky basketball.

Duke is the best team in college basketball, and it feels like they are definitely going to win it all

Duke is better than everybody, it feels like, right now... Duke's definitely the best team they deserve. I mean, for God's sakes, Duke is still the heavy favorite to win it... which is terrible because that means Duke is definitely going to win the national championship.

This is finally Virginia's year to win it all

I actually believe in Virginia this time. Honest to God, hand to God... This is their year. No, I don't know if they're going to win. Their offense is better this year than it has been every year.

No Big Ten team is good enough to win the national championship this year

I don't think the Big Ten has a team good enough to win the national championship if they're here. I really don't.

Rick Pitino will get another job but not at a power conference

I think he is going to get a job eventually though... he'll pop up somewhere he's gonna he's gonna go to some tiny ass school and someone's going to write the article, like probably Dickie V, about how Rick Pitino is, you know, he's changing his image.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

The Big 12's dominance by Kansas is driven by their home court advantage, not the quality of the team this year

I don't think Kansas wins the Big 12 every year. I think Kansas fans win the Big 12 every year... Phog Allen Fieldhouse wins the Big 12 for Kansas every year. It's impossible to win in there, and so they go into every Big 12 season knowing that they're getting nine free wins. Their team sucks this year. If they had to play in Baylor's arena every single night, they're not winning the Big 12.

I read Thailand and I thought China, or I said Chiland, and then I said Thailand

Heather, who would never kiss anyone in her life, kissed Colton on their one date in Thailand... I read Thailand and I thought China, or I said Chiland, and then I said Thailand.

On The Bachelor, the person calling someone 'emotional' is usually the bully and vice-versa

I feel like the emotional one is actually the bully, and the bully is actually the emotional one... it's one of those I'm rubber or you call the other person what you really are. [You project it].

The Houston Texans will never win a Super Bowl

The Texans will never win a Super Bowl.

Super Bowl 53 was the worst Super Bowl I've ever watched

That was the worst Super Bowl. I think we can all agree the worst Super Bowl we've ever watched. [It] just wasn't well played. Like, it was compelling because it was close late... but it just was gross.

Super Bowl 48 was a worse game than Super Bowl 53

I would say the worst Super Bowl that I've ever watched is probably the Denver-Seahawks Super Bowl. But that was just because it was a blowout from the very start.

Todd Gurley is definitely injured despite his denials

Todd Gurley was, I think he's hurt. He denies that he's hurt, but I'm pretty sure that he was—there's something wrong with him. He's getting the Steph Curry benefit. But then even C.J. Anderson didn't play any better at all. So it was like, yeah, the offense for Los Angeles sucked.

The lower-tier coaches hired from the Sean McVay tree won't be successful

The fifth or sixth guy that gets hired [from the McVay tree] is the fifth or sixth best offensive guy, so he's probably not that good. Exactly.

Vic Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos

I really think that Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos. Oh, yeah, absolutely. We haven't really talked about it that much.

Guys kissing guys on the lips as bros is coming back in 2019

I actually think that guys kissing guys on the lips just as bros is probably coming back in 2019.

A team with a fullback is the key to winning in the modern NFL because they zag when others zig

It's no coincidence that a team with a fullback is the reigning world champion because they zag when everybody else zigs. I'm serious.

Super Bowl 53 was Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

I actually think this is probably his best coaching job. Because they're probably not the most talented Super Bowl team he's had, but they ran man basically all year, and then they ran zone in the Super Bowl and just fucked up Sean McVay.