Takes

If Roger Goodell had a brain, he would stop helping Dave Portnoy by arresting him

Arresting Dave at the game was such an all-time moment... no one plays into our hands better than the NFL. They're so dumb... thank you, Roger Goodell, for continually helping us.

The Raiders playing in a baseball stadium again in 2019 will be cool because of the wind and potential McCovey Cove punts

Oakland Raiders playing in baseball stadiums [is back]. You will get to see the Raiders play on dirt and grass for another year... it would be great if a punt or a field goal went into the bay... look out for wind. It's going to be windy there.

Saints fans are justified in being salty for months because the Rams only scored three points

If you're a Saints fan... that is the worst possible outcome to get over the loss... you have to sit there and say Drew Brees would not score three points in the Super Bowl. You have permission for me to continue all your salty behavior for another three months.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested while sitting in a paid seat

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... It's one thing to charge somebody with criminal trespass, but then when they have a ticket sitting in their seat... he was a civilian sitting in a seat. They had no right to touch him.

I know Pete Rose bet on the Reds every night, and possibly against them

I knew his bookie... I called my former bookie... I said, did he bet on the Reds? And he said, he bet on games with the Reds. And I said, did he bet against the Reds? And he said, I don't want to say that. So that's a yes.

Marijuana is a better recovery tool for NFL players than opioids or Ambien

I didn't like taking Ambien. I didn't like opioids. I didn't like none of that stuff. The only thing that got me to level out and get some sleep, and because my knees were shot, was [marijuana].

Rob Ryan joining the Redskins as linebackers coach is huge for the defense

Rob Ryan has been hired as the linebackers coach for the Washington Redskins... we got Rob and Jim Tomsula testing the defense... this is huge news.

Some great coordinators are simply not meant to be head coaches

There are certain guys who were just assistant coaches... Just because you're good at being a defensive coordinator doesn't mean you can be a head coach... certain guys are meant to be a head coach, certain guys are not.

Jeff Fisher has zero percent chance of getting another NFL head coaching job

[Jeff Fisher?] Nope. No chance. [Zero?] Zero.

I can still kick a 60-yard field goal and play in the NFL on third downs

I think I could play maybe third downs... I'm good from 60 right now still. [The Bears need a kicker] Yes, they do. Come back.

A long-distance throwing competition between Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes will happen

I talked to Josh. He said that he's in. Slid into those DMs on Pat Mahomes. And he has committed interest to it. He said, yeah, let's do it. We'll have to wait until further in the offseason.

The NBA purposefully tried to cuck the NFL during Super Bowl week

I saw somebody tweet something out like, I've scored the first four days of Super Bowl week as 10-8, 10-9, 10-8, 10-9 in favor of the NBA... This is our week, NBA. You sons of bitches, NBA. You did it again.

The Rams are impossible to bet against because it is a Wade Phillips 'Dad Game'

Wade Phillips dedicates one game a year to his late father, Bum Phillips. The Rams, or sorry, Wade Phillips' team's defenses, 7-0 in Bum Phillips' dedicated games. ... I don't know how you can bet against the Rams now. It's a dad game.

The NFL is running a 'long con' with referee John Perry to make the Patriots win

In Rams games, [John Perry is] 7-0. In Patriots Super Bowls, Patriots are 0-1. So is this also an NFL long con where they planted John Perry in 2007 to basically ref for a decade-plus and be really biased towards the Rams so that everyone would be like, oh, the Rams are going to win this because the NFL is corrupt. Oh, switcheroo, the Patriots won.

The Rams would win if both teams played a perfect game because they have more talent

I'm stuck with the same thought over and over. The Rams are the more talented team. But the Patriots, at the end of the day, it's still Brady and Belichick. If they both play perfect games, I think the Rams will win because they have more talent overall.

Todd Gurley will fade in the second half of the Super Bowl due to his knee injury

I think you're going to see one of those situations where Todd Gurley, awesome in the first half, fades in the second because his knee or whatever's going on... I think the adrenaline maybe a couple shots whatever he comes out hot and then when you need him in the fourth quarter it either is C.J. Anderson in his thick ass booty or the rams are in trouble.

Gambling Tip: Bet the over on total field goals (1.5) for both teams in every game

I got a little professional gambling tip out there for you guys... you find the team that has the lowest over under for total field goals for the game usually it's one and a half and then you just take the over on that every team kicks at least two field goals a game

The Patriots are going to kill the Rams in the Super Bowl

I think Pat's going to kill him. I know we love Jared on the show. Good friend of the program. But the fact that he is, like, listening to all our episodes... it seems like he's not, like, as focused. McVay is going to get beaten by Belichick in some way, shape, or form at some point during the game.

Official Score Prediction: Rams 24, Patriots 20

My official pick is 24 to 20... Rams 24, Patriots 20.

Picking the Patriots is the 'integrity' pick to avoid gambling embarrassment

The first thing you want to do is obviously pick a winner. The second thing you want to do is make sure you don't get embarrassed. So I guess my official pick would be the Patriots because I feel like when you get to the end of the game, it will be embarrassing if you have the Rams and the Patriots do what they've always done.

Dan Marino didn't like us — he's not a real friendly guy

Let's just say Dan Marino didn't like us. He's not a real friendly guy.

I've never done an interview in the back of a van

I've never done an interview in the back of a van, but that's cool.

I guess 'pure passer' means I throw better than anybody? I guess?

Yeah. I guess I throw better than anybody. You got that spiral? How's that? Yeah, I guess. Got that nice, tight, tight spiral? I guess that's what it's supposed to mean.

I would throw for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns in today's NFL

So I'm going to just say I would carve it up. Throw for 6,000, you know, 60 touchdowns and have fun, especially with my guys like Duper and Clayton... and there was no bubble screens. Pass interference was like a different monster back then too.

Dan Marino's 1984 season is the greatest quarterback season in NFL history

That 1984 season — I actually would say is the best season for a quarterback just because of the era and everything involved. You had 48 touchdowns, which was 16 more than anyone else.

It is harder for a quarterback to throw in the rain than it is to throw in the wind

Actually, it's harder probably to throw in the rain. ... Because it's the wetness of the ball.

Retired QBs aren't secretly happy when their replacements stink — I'm a Dolphin for life

No, you know what? That's no. I'm a dolphin for life. I always wanted them to do well. I really did.

I take full credit for Jim Carrey's career

So it really wasn't about me. It was about what I did for Jim Carrey, because if it wasn't for me, no one would know who Jim Carrey is. That's kind of how I take all full credit for Jim Carrey's career.

Bernie Kosar is the one who brought the fake spike play to the NFL

Actually, that's a good question. Bernie Kosar. Bernie Kosar brought that from Cleveland. They used to practice it a little bit in Cleveland, and we started practicing in Miami, so I give Bernie Kosar credit for that.

I don't know who Marlins Man is

I don't know him, but now it hit me.

I wear a hat in public as a service to others so they don't have to look at my balding head

I wear a hat for the benefit of other people because I don't like looking at balding heads. So that's why I wear a hat because I don't want anybody else to have to look at my balding head.

The Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday

We all are in agreement, obviously, that the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday. Correct. Move President's Day. Abraham Lincoln's dead. He won't care. I promise. He probably would have been a big football fan.

The Knicks traded Porzingis for cap space they will definitely fail to use

The Knicks traded Kristaps to the Mavs... Basically, a cap space move... they are now going to try to go all in on Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, name any free agent, and the Knicks will be rumored to get them. And they won't get them because James Dolan is still the owner.

The Cowboys will hire either Tony Romo or Sean Payton as head coach in 2020

I did hear, though, that the Cowboys aren't going to extend [Jason] Garrett. So he's going to be a lame duck next year. You know what that means. Coach Romo in 2020. ... Romo or Sean Payton?

LeBron James is a 'shisha-holic' who needs to stop drinking wine everywhere

LeBron drank wine on the bench. And I think we can all agree he has a problem. ... realize that your king — I'm doing air quotes — your king is a shisha-holic.

Todd Gurley lacks commitment to his potential pet cats

He's been engaged to getting a cat for way too long. People are starting to ask questions, Todd. They're saying, is this wedding ever going to happen? Lack of commitment from Todd Gurley.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

I think MJ's better. [LeBron] is one of those crybabies. Yes, I do.

I was legally arrested at Super Bowl Opening Night

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, the definition of arrest is to take or keep in custody by authority of law. Boom. I was arrested.

If the Rams give us Super Bowl tickets, we should burn them in protest

If Sean McVay gives us two sweet tickets, we're just going to burn them... Protest... if he wins the Super Bowl, he will be in the giving mood. And he'll be like, you know what? Let's give these guys a ring. And then we sell it. Then we buy Super Bowl tickets next year and burn those.

I will announce a 100-day boycott of the NFL after the Super Bowl

I'm going to announce my annual 100-day boycott of the NFL, minus the combine draft.

FaceTiming is terrible and no one over the age of 22 wants to do it

If you're over the age of 22, you never want to take the FaceTime. FaceTiming is terrible.

LeBron James clearly tampered with Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis and LeBron James had dinner together. Wouldn't that seem kind of perfect that they waited about a month after their dinner for Anthony Davis to demand a trade? ... LeBron James probably doesn't have to pay an agent's fee. He probably owns part of Clutch Sports. And guess what? Anthony Davis is going to go to the Los Angeles Lakers... LeBron James completely tampered here.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

You have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA

I would say that you'd have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA. If you're not tampering, you are dumber than a pile of rocks.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.

Musical artists like Bon Jovi should only play the hits and not new stuff

John [Bon Jovi]'s like, what do you think of the new stuff? And I'm like, what new stuff? ... I tell people this all the time. Play the hits. Give the people what they want. You get on a treadmill. I don't want to listen to new stuff.

The Patriots' intermediate level of coverage is their biggest weakness

Probably the intermediate level of coverage, whether it's linebackers, safeties down, the speed in the middle of the field... And if you lock them up, man... It's Cooks, you know, and these guys are going to have the ability to blow by you.

Tom Brady will play for 2 to 3 more years

I think, you know, if you asked me last year, I could see forward at one year... I think it's a kumbaya period where Bill's happy, Tom's happy... That fucker's having fun, and I think he wants to continue to have fun. So two to three years.

The Brooklyn Nets are improved and will make the playoffs

An okay team, but last year they had a few issues, is the Brooklyn Nets. I think they've improved a lot this year. And if they keep doing well, they should be able to make the playoffs.

The ground is flat but the earth is round

Ground is flat, but the earth is round.