Takes

Colton Underwood from The Bachelor is not actually a virgin

I received corroborating evidence in the form of a screenshot from someone's camera roll showing that they had that Snapchat that Colton sent back in 2014... I think that dick's been soaked before.

Colin Kaepernick will eventually get Baseball Hall of Fame votes as a contributor to the game

Colin Kaepernick hasn't been offered a job in baseball... As a contributor to the game, I think he would get Hall of Fame [votes].

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

The Pro Bowl has reached a point where it is more fun to joke about than to actually watch

I think it's reached a point where it stinks so bad that it's more fun to joke about the Pro Bowl.

The NFL must move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii to make it enjoyable again

They really need to bring the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii. There's just something about it. When you get everyone in, you know, you get the Maui surf and people wearing Hawaiian shirts and everyone getting laid. And it's just something about the Hawaii stadium. It just brings out Pro Bowl fun games.

Taysom Hill should be a permanent Pro Bowl fixture because he plays with maximal effort

They should have sent Taysom Hill to the Pro Bowl because he would have just gone balls out the entire time. There always needs to be like one asshole trying way, way, way too hard.

Billy McFarland and 'The Situation' will launch fraudulent business ideas together while in prison

It turns out the prison that [Billy McFarland] is going to is the same prison that 'The Situation' is locked up in right now. So the schemes, those two are going to cook up together. They're going to come out of there with like 18 business ideas, 19 of which are fraud.

I am officially a SpongeBob SquarePants fan because the show is highly allegorical

I am definitely a SpongeBob fan. It's very allegorical. ... [The episode with Squidward] was basically like your inner child losing. Everyone should stop being like Squidward and start being more like Patrick Starfish.

LeBron James wants to reunion with Kyrie Irving on the Lakers

LeBron Instagram storied a song called Rewind and said, 'this is that shit, Kyrie Irving.' ... LeBron James wanted to go back in time, press that rewind button, and have Kyrie on his team.

Coach K will leave Duke to coach LeBron James and Kyrie Irving in the NBA

I'm going to go pro, do the old Pete Carroll, bounce, and then go coach LeBron and Kyrie. I like that.

Jon Gruden will struggle with the logistical distractions of the Raiders' move to Las Vegas

[Jon Gruden] doesn't have any idea what he's about ready to go through because... they don't know where they're going to play in 2019 right now... there's the first distraction I think associated with their move.

If attacked by a black bear, you should defend yourself and hope it stops biting you

If an attack is imminent and it's a big bear, a black bear, you're going to defend yourself. ... I would defend myself and hope it would stop biting me. ... I just don't want him to eat me.

Steve Wilks was treated unfairly by the Cardinals and should have been given more than one season

I think it is the fact that a lot of it... I don't like seeing is what happened in Arizona. Because Coach [Steve] Wilks is a good person. And he's a good man. And he needs to be given more opportunity than what he got. One year. Especially when you go into a roster like that.

The Alliance of American Football (AAF) will be an exciting league because everyone involved loves football

I watched some practices and this is going to be an exciting little deal. And the one thing they all have, everybody in that league has in common is they love football.

Early morning NFL meetings are counterproductive for millennial players who don't sleep

Today's guys don't sleep. And so if you're a young head coach and you're listening to this program, don't start your meetings at six. Start your meetings at nine. ... After having breakfast, you get them up six and get breakfast seven, they're done.

Southern Californian referees conspired to help the Rams win the NFC Championship

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, 'now's our time to strike.' Then they struck.

Paper straws suck and companies need to find better technology

Paper straws suck. Sorry. We all agree. Paper straws suck. Someone figure out the technology. Otherwise, we're going to keep using the plastic.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

Baker Mayfield and John Dorsey will successfully change the Browns' culture

I really do think [Baker Mayfield] and John Dorsey are the two guys that can change a culture and have people stop putting really graphic porn on the wall when you walk into the Browns facility.

The Rams and Saints were equal enough that the NFC Championship outcome wasn't a total travesty

Maybe it's not better team won, but they couldn't have been more equal in my mind. So I'm not feeling like it was this huge travesty... If they played 10 times, they would go 5-5 probably.

I will play another year of football in 2019

I am going to retire at some point... [but] I don't know what the future holds... I'm going to take the next couple months... then I'll make a decision.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Alshon Jeffery is the best receiver I have ever played with

In my opinion, [Alshon Jeffery] is the best receiver I've played with. I mean, he is automatic... when I say Alshon is the best receiver, I'm talking about number one, go up and get it, you throw him the ball, he just picks on people.

Bill Belichick is the best at adapting his game plan mid-season and mid-game

One thing that Bill does a great job of is he adapts. He adapts not only at the beginning of each season, but he'll adapt going into a game. He's great at identifying [strengths and weaknesses].

Aaron Donald is the perfect football player and the baddest dude in the NFL

This kid's the perfect football player. Perfect. It's like they made him in a Petri dish... In my opinion, he's the baddest dude in the NFL as far as just being a badass.

Rob Gronkowski is as good or better at blocking now than he has ever been

It seems like [Rob Gronkowski] is as good, if not better, than he's ever been at blocking somehow.

Kawhi Leonard buying a house in San Diego means he is joining the Clippers or Lakers

Kawhi Leonard has just bought a house for $13.3 million in Los Angeles... San Diego area. It seems like an awfully convenient time for him to do that.

Max Kellerman could beat Derek Carr in a fight

I might take Max Kellerman in a fight against Derek Carr. I would. He talks about boxing a lot. If you talk about fighting a lot, I assume that you can at least handle yourself a little bit just by osmosis.

Podcasters are the most persecuted class of humans in America

We [podcasters] are actually the most persecuted class of humans in America. Spot the lie.

The Saints' lawsuit against the NFL will lose momentum after Super Bowl Media Day

We've got attorneys from New Orleans suing the NFL. A class action lawsuit... That talk's going to die down after media day.

Saints fans should sue the NFL for 'loss of enjoyment of life' after the NFC Championship no-call

The Saints ticket holder lawsuit against Roger Goodell in the NFL. Mental anguish and emotional trauma. Loss of faith in the NFL. That's fantastic. Loss of enjoyment of life. I actually like that... When your team loses like that in the playoffs, just cross off the next three months of your life.

The NFL should host the Super Bowl in Miami, New Orleans, or Vegas every single year

You'll also get one or two people saying the Super Bowl should be in Miami or New Orleans every year. Which I agree. Every year. I actually agree with that. 100% agree.

The Brandin Cooks revenge game is a 2.5 out of 10 in terms of interesting storylines

How about this for maybe, I'd say, a two and a half out of ten in terms of revenge games? The Brandin Cooks revenge game. Can't really get myself up for that one... Anyone who says Brandin Cooks revenge game, it's like, eh, really?

The Bachelor (Colton Underwood) is lying about being a virgin to get girls

I have credible information that The Bachelor is not really a virgin... He was using my idea of lying about being a virgin to get chicks and executing it masterfully. I did get a tip that included a Snapchat from this guy... with his dick in a [woman].

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

I successfully recruited Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls

It took five years, but I have gotten Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls. Congratulations. Thank you. We're going to wave him, and he's never going to play for the Bulls. But I did recruit him in the summer of 2014... last laugh, me.

The Netflix Fyre Fest documentary is more entertaining than the Hulu version

The Hulu one has the advantage because the whole mastermind of the Fyre Festival, Billy McFarland, is in it... I find the Netflix one, though, more entertaining. I think it's because it may have been the footage or the editing which really tells you something because they don't even have the guy in it.

Most people are not inherently trying to deceive or screw others over in daily life

I still would like to believe that most people don't wake up trying to find a way to deceive everybody as they interact with in society. These [Fyre Fest] stories get publicized... but I don't really blame the person for just having the faith that, hey, if they're putting on this massive festival... this is an awesome sort of scam.

If you rebranded Fyre Fest and put it back out there in two years, I would buy tickets again

I think you could just basically take all the marketing material from Fyre Fest and in two or three years rebrand it and put it back out there and people would buy again. I would. I want to go right now. I don't think there's any question.

Caitlin and Hannah B from The Bachelor are manipulative liars

The beef between two former pageant girls. Caitlin and Hannah B. heated up as they accused each other of being manipulative liars. So this was, you know, they had the one-on-one dates and they were spending the time on their one-on-one dates talking shit about the other girl.

You should run away from anyone who describes themselves as 'normal'

After, she [Caitlin] said she's pretty normal, lives a pretty normal life, and likes to hang out with her friends. That's what you say when you're not normal, by the way... Anyone, if you ask them, like, what are you like? If they reply normal, run the opposite direction.

Fix NFL overtime by making both teams play their backup quarterbacks

College overtime, 25-yard line, everything's the same as college overtime... Only wrinkle, each team has to play their backup quarterback. Now we're getting, now we're creating jobs and the backup quarterback becomes a very important position. The minute you go to overtime, your starter can no longer play quarterback.

Rob Gronkowski was sandbagging all season and is actually the best tight end in the NFL again

I'm going to eat a bird, a big black bird with feathers, and say that Rob Gronkowski was sandbagging the entire season. He's totally healthy. He's actually the best tight end in the NFL right now. I'm sure he'll show up for the Super Bowl.

Andy Reid's clock management in overtime was baffling and classic Andy Reid

I still don't understand Andy Reid, and I don't want to blame, you know, do the timeout thing, but you have three timeouts in overtime that can't end in a tie... And he let his defense just die out there without calling one timeout, whether it be at a third and ten, whether it be when the Patriots get to the goal line. It was baffling to see... That happened. I guess it wasn't really baffling because that's Andy Reid.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

The Saints' championship window is likely closing, whereas the Chiefs' run is just getting started.

The losses are not equal because the NFC Championship game, that's probably it. It's close to it for Drew Brees and Sean Payton, those Saints. For the Chiefs, it feels like this is just getting started.

NFL coaches who sing along with the national anthem are cursed to lose their games.

Both of the coaches who sang along with the national anthem lost today... Patriotism on the hot seat. It was Peyton and Andy Reid. Why did we not have a microphone satellite dish right in Andy Reid's face while he was singing along?

There is a 75% chance Tom Brady retires if the Patriots win the Super Bowl

Put a percent chance that if the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, Tom Brady says, I'm off. I'm done. I'm riding off in the sunset John Elway style. [Hank]: 75%? It would be the ultimate way to go out. I hope he does.

Any play the Saints run without Drew Brees under center is a disservice to the team

Anytime you snap the football without Drew Brees under center you're doing your team a disservice. I get it, there's some fun things you can do with Taysom Hill... But, like, it was seriously every fifth or sixth play, like, oh, we haven't had Taysom Hill. Let's get him in there. What are you doing? Just play the Rams straight up, and you'd probably win that game.

The NFL is fixed and Bill Vinovich deliberately blew the pass interference call against the Saints to 'even out' his reputation for hating the Rams.

It was Bill Vinovich saying, everyone knows I go against the Rams, so I've got to even it out here. Fix was in. The league's fixed.