Takes

Guy Fieri wasn't very nice to me and acts like he is bigger than a big deal

He wasn't very nice to people. He was fucking, you know, smelling his own ass. He's guy fucking Fieri... Like he's a big deal. He's beyond a big deal. He's bigger than a big deal.

Big-name NBA free agents never actually come to the Knicks despite the endless rumors

Every time that they say these people [Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving] are coming, they just never come to New York for some reason. I don't know what about New York isn't a destination for motherfuckers. It's a terrible situation honestly... it's been for years and as a fan it fucking sucks.

You choose your own destination once you are high

It's mind-altering. You choose your path once you're high. That is fucking deep. You choose your own path when you're high. You choose the destination when you're high. Make sure you fucking write that down.

I am one of the top five hash makers/pressers in the world

I'm one of them. [Top five hash squishers]. For sure. There's no doubt about it. It's like the Kobe beef of making hash. I press the hash. I do the Revlon. But that's also a talent and an art in itself.

If a 'hot gambling tip' is shared out loud on Twitter, it is by definition not a hot tip

He didn't win, which just goes to show you, as always, if a hot gambling tip, if anyone gets a hot gambling tip and it's said out loud on Twitter, it's not a hot gambling tip... if it's a hot gambling tip, it's never said.

LeBron James will fake a season-ending injury if the Lakers miss the playoffs

As soon as it becomes like this is a realistic thing [missing the playoffs], [LeBron James] will definitely be like, oh, my hamstring hurts because too much sheesh. All the sheesh has added weight to my groin.

Bryce Harper will sign with the Philadelphia Phillies

I think it's pretty clear he's going to go to the Phillies. They're the last team that's willing to deal with this bullshit. It's basically he's doing a pretty good job of weeding out all the teams that would get pissed off at him.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Zion Williamson should not play another second of college basketball this year

I think that Zion, especially for a young man, an outstanding young man who has so much to gain, there's really no point in him playing another second of basketball this year.

Duke should fold their basketball program and let everyone go to the NBA

If Zion's going to sit out... what's the point right you're probably not going to win the title now so maybe have cam reddish sit out maybe have rj barrett sit out... and maybe just fold the whole duke program and let everyone else just go to the nba

Alex O'Connell is a top five player in the nation

[Coach K] is going to now have two months to get this team with the number two and number three recruit in the nation, Alex O'Connell, top five player in the nation, in my opinion.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K because of his jackets

Roy Williams, I would say, is a better coach than Coach K, by the way... I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now, Hank... I'm Roy Williams. I'm going to be a dadgum good dresser. Dadgummit.

Zion Williamson will return for the NCAA Tournament

I think Zion should sit and then come back for the tournament and, in the words of Billy McFarland, just fuck it, let's be legends.

College players should keep eligibility if they aren't drafted in the NBA lottery

Why can't they just figure out a way that you can go to the NBA straight out of high school, but if you're not a lottery pick, you keep all your eligibility. And the team that drafts you keeps your rights. And then doesn't that fix a lot of the stuff?

Duke will win the national championship by 20 points despite losing Zion Williamson

Imagine how miserable you were already going to be when they [Duke] win the national championship by 20. Like now that this [Zion injury] happens and you guys got the excitement of me getting the cat, like it's going to be so much worse for you.

If your career or dream feels like it sucks, that means you are on the right track

One of the underlying themes of crashing is if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. It's not like this sucks. Why me? It's no, this sucks. I'm in the club. Like that's the path... if you're shitting in your pants and think you're a fraud, you're on the right track.

Comedians are secretly as competitive as professional athletes

New England like me that don't think it's polite to say you want to do better than the guy before you and the guy after you... act like a sweetheart, just like the guy on Crashing, but secretly, yeah, you want to tear the place down... There is a competitive. You're playing you against the audience or you against the show, and obviously it's good to be kind to everybody, but when you're up there, there's something athletic going on.

Aaron Rodgers is set to retire from the NFL

Breaking news. Aaron Rodgers is set to retire... 12 no more.

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

The Celtics' internal tension will lead to 20 championships and Kyrie staying until he's 70

This tension that they [Celtics] have right now is going to really, it's going to bring the team together as one. They're going to unite. Kyrie's going to be a leader. Then he's going to resign and he's going to stay a Celtic until he actually dies until he's 70 years old and he's going to have 20 championships.

Imagine Dragons has officially replaced Nickelback as the worst band in the world

Imagine Dragons has taken the worst band in the world baton from Nickelback... we have to get our boys and IDs back.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

Manny Machado decided, guess what, 10 years, $300 million, San Diego, where I can kind of just go chill. Like, this is basically a – I'm just going to – he almost is early retiring.

Bryce Harper will sign a contract for more than $300 million

Manny Machado decided, guess what, 10 years, $300 million, San Diego... But it's only going to be [the biggest contract in sports history] for like two more days because Bryce Harper, if you don't think Scott Boras is getting Bryce Harper $301 million [you're crazy].

Antonio Brown will sign a four-year, $79 million guaranteed contract with the Redskins

It's going to be the Redskins. So here's what's going to happen. He's going to join the Redskins. They're going to pay, I'll say, four years, $79 million guaranteed. And he'll play for two, well, one and a half. And then he'll just sit out the rest of the year.

Dick Vitale is losing his edge as a college basketball commentator

I'm a big Dickie V fan. I'm okay that they took him off the [Duke vs. UNC] game. I think they did it a little early, but I will give a little bit of a hat tip to whoever decided it... I listened to Dickie V on Saturday and it's fading on us, boys. I don't want to say it, but he's kind of losing it.

There is no chance Zion Williamson is actually doing his own classwork or assignments at Duke

Imagine being paired up with Zion [Williamson] on like a group project. And you're depending on him for like half your grade. It's like a take-home thing that you guys both have to work on and bring in. There's no chance that he's filling out that assignment.

Anyone born before Woodstock is problematic

Anyone born before, I'm going to say, Woodstock is problematic.

James Dolan will eventually find a way to ruin a Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant pairing

You know what I'm really excited for? To see how James Dolan can fuck up Kyrie Irving and KD together. Yeah, that's never going to work.

I could hit a free throw blindfolded before I would ever miss 11 in a row like Ethan Happ

Ethan Happ, forward center for the Wisconsin Badgers... He has missed 11 in a row. Shut up. 11 in a row... I think you could blindfold me and I wouldn't miss 11 in a row. No chance would I miss 11 in a row.

You should fade Wisconsin in the NCAA Tournament this year

Also, PSA to just fade Wisconsin in the NCAA tournament.

People who constantly switch lanes in traffic are dumb; it's better to be a contrarian

I would take the opposite approach. You need to be a contrarian there. Generally, people are dumb. Yes, so if you're driving down the highway... they see a couple lanes moving and they're like, 'I gotta get over there.' What happens as soon as you move over there? Your lane stops and then your lane takes off.

The further south you drive, the worse the drivers get

The thing about people that drive in traffic regularly like in New York, they at least know how to merge. Like you go to — I think it's the further south you go, the worse the drivers are.

I have 'bioptical' vision around 13/10 that allows me to see scores on TVs from across a bar

I just am born with amazing vision. I guess my doctor says it's like bioptical vision... I don't know if the proper, but it's like 13/10 or something. I can see stuff way, way out there. So usually when we're at a bar, my friends... are like, 'Well, what's the score?' and it's like, yeah, you know, three minutes left. Nobody can see it.

I gave my pit crew a $40,000 total bonus for winning the Daytona 500

I gave them each a $2,000 bonus, which, I mean, there's 20 guys, so that's $40,000. Plus, I give a tip to my pit crew. I offer them $200 a man if we can pick up one spot per pit stop.

I expect Denny Hamlin to win at least five races this year

Hey, man, I'm proud of you, man. We bounced back after a tough year last year and started off right, so I expect at least five wins.

I dropped 31 points in my Monday night basketball league

Well, we play Monday nights. I dropped 31 last night, so I was still hot. I'm still hot. Heat check... We keep stats. We have a website. We keep all the stats.

Fights are good for NASCAR and the league secretly loves them

Is it good for the sport? Absolutely. They secretly are high-fiving. You know, you don't want anyone to get hurt. They'll put out there that, you know, we don't like it. No way. It's like Dana White. They love it. Gets eyeballs.

Toyota will have a big year in NASCAR in 2019

Is this going to be a big year for Toyota? Should be. That was the other thing. We got four great drivers... we only had four or five cars, but we found a way to finish one, two, three [at Daytona].

Be wary of any new league that promises more football

As much as we love football, we did warn you. We warned you after the first weekend that as much as we love seeing extra football... We've been hurt before. The XFL did not last very long. Whenever someone promises you more football, just be wary.

Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer

The thesis that you can give after reading this is Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer. [Big Cat]: Jesus Christ. What a fucking wacko.

Using Shaquille O'Neal as a prop is an all-time move because he is the largest human being ever

Hamadou Diallo stole the show by using Shaq as a prop, which I cannot believe had not been used until Saturday night. Shaquille O'Neal as a prop is an all-time prop because he is the largest human being ever. That's a fact. Don't look it up.

Zion Williamson will be a Chicago Bull and his appearance in next year's dunk contest in the United Center will be an all-time moment

Zion going next year's dunk contest will be incredible because Zion Williamson, as a Chicago Bull, doing it in the United Center is going to be an all-time moment.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant are going to sign with the New York Knicks

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant are in love. Full-blown love. They were like tickling each other. They were horsing around. A lot of horseplay. You just got to say, New York Knicks.

I would rather be a dead-eye three-point shooter for the rest of my life than be able to dunk

If I could pick one for the rest of my life, to be awesome at dunking or wet from three at all times, I think I would take wet from three... Anytime you're open, think about this. Any guy in the NBA, like if they're open, they just make it. Having that would be so incredible.

The NBA should value dunks at only one point to see if players like Giannis Antetokounmpo would still do them

Do you guys think that if dunks were worth one point, Giannis would still do them? ... I think the NBA should seriously consider that in the All-Star game.

The New Orleans Pelicans are stupid if they don't sit Anthony Davis for the rest of the season

If the Pelicans don't sit him for the rest of the year, they're so stupid. Because that would be the ultimate, just having him get some kind of injury where you're like, come on, man, are you serious? You couldn't just sit him?

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the Skills Challenge

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the skills competition... it's just good to bring the winning culture back to Boston.

I'm sticking with my preseason prediction that the Rams will beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LIII

I take the Rams over the Patriots. Yes, I do... I am technically copping out because those who make predictions or are forced to, when you make a preseason prediction that actually turns out to be spot on – I now have the cover of saying, well, I predicted it before the season, so I can't give up now.