Takes

Jay Cutler will return to the NFL to play for the 49ers

I know some people who know some people who know some people... heard Jay Cutler is going to be back for the San Francisco 49ers... I think Jay Cutler is going to be great in the San Francisco 49ers.

Jeff Fisher will return to coaching in the NFL next year

I know he will. Actually, I talked to him... a year ago. And he said... he was going to take a year off and then he'll probably get back into coaching. So probably next year.

The NFL is definitely getting soft with the new rules

[Big Cat]: So do you land on the NFL getting soft, or do you think it's good that they're trying to protect players? [Chris Johnson]: It's definitely getting soft.

USC would have beaten Texas in the Rose Bowl if they had run the ball more

I definitely feel if we would have ran the ball more, the game would have been over. [Big Cat]: What about when Reggie did the fumble?... [Lendale White]: I'm sure Chris can attest to this... I know if I was in the game, I would have caught it and scored.

I would like to pitch one more year in Major League Baseball

If we make it to next year, I'd like to get one more year in.

The Cavaliers are going to lose a shitload of games this year

Tyronn Lue said, it's not about wins and losses. It's about wins and lessons. [Big Cat]: Translation, we're going to lose a shitload of games this year.

Jimmy Butler has officially been traded to the Phoenix Suns

Breaking case of emergency, Jimmy Butler trade. He just got traded to the Suns... Devin Booker, DeAndre Ayton, Jimmy Butler.

Jared Goff's success is actually due to the complicated 'lessons' he learned from Jeff Fisher

If Jared Goff is this good and sucked with Jeff Fisher, does that mean that Steve McNair is actually the greatest quarterback of all time? [PFT Commenter]: No. It took a year for Coach Fisher's lessons to sink in because they were so complicated... Jeff Fisher taught Jared Goff a lot of lessons. Not losses. Lessons.

Animal crackers are cookies, not crackers

I think they're cookies. They're sweet. They're not savory, they're sweet... they're the worst cookie but the best cracker.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the most classic NFL player because you can see his magic disappearing in real-time

I love Ryan Fitzpatrick. If you don't love Ryan Fitzpatrick, you got a big old dump in your pants because he is so classic and you can tell the minute Ryan Fitzpatrick is losing his magic. It is so fun to watch the downfall. It's great to watch the rise. He will get to the highest of highs, and then he will get to the lowest of lows.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the best sliding quarterback in the NFL

I'll say this about him. I think [Ryan Fitzpatrick] is the league's best sliding quarterback. He knows exactly when to time his slides to make it just a little appetizing for the defender to throw a shoulder into his head. So sabermetrically, I'm sure he picks up more of those [penalties].

NFL offenses should stop blocking and let defenders hit the QB to draw 15-yard penalties

I'm actually at the point now where I think if I were a coach in the NFL, I would say to my offensive line, just treat every play like a screen and half of you don't block. And let them get to the quarterback because we'll most likely get 15 yards.

You have to keep starting Ryan Fitzpatrick until it gets 'real ugly'

You ride Ryan Fitzpatrick until it gets real ugly. Here's why you don't [bench him]... I want him out there until he pulls like a Dan Orlovsky and does something as dumb as like sprinting out of the back of the end zone into the tunnel with a ball.

The Bears vs. Buccaneers game is the perfect litmus test for Ryan Fitzpatrick

I honestly think that against the Bears defense is Bucs Bears on Sunday. It's the perfect Ryan Fitzpatrick litmus test. Can he still do this against a good defense? Okay, no, he can't. He's either going to fail spectacularly or the Bucs will win the game.

A Colin Kaepernick primetime game for the 49ers would be the highest-rated game of the season

I actually think that if Colin Kaepernick started a game in prime time for the 49ers, it would be the highest-rated game of the entire season. Absolutely. And Twitter would melt down.

Jay Cutler to the 49ers makes too much sense given his links to John Lynch and the Shanahans

I'm actually working on Jay Cutler to the 49ers... I've talked to someone in the 49ers building. I've talked to Jay Cutler. I'm bringing both parties to the table... He's got a link to John Lynch. He's got a link to the Shanahan family. It makes too much sense.

The Chicago Cubs will remain in first place 'by hook or by crook' for the rest of the season

No matter what, by the time you're listening to this, no matter what, the Cubs will still be in first place by hook or by crook.

Joe Maddon gave an Urban Meyer-esque answer regarding Addison Russell's abuse allegations

That's an Urban Meyer-esque answer, basically saying my internet doesn't work and my brain doesn't work and I forgot that I should probably read about my accusations that my players committed domestic abuse. Whether it's true or not, bad answer, Joe Maddon.

Injured players secretly hope their team loses so their importance is validated

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose... it's the competitive nature in you. I know you're obviously rooting for your teammates. You want them to win, but there's a part of you that always wants to be part of the winning team.

Brad Stevens is the best X's and O's coach I have ever seen

From an X's and O's standpoint, he's one of the best, if not the best I've ever seen. It's like when you watch... the Celtics games, or if you have watched old Butler games, like after timeout plays, we're getting the bucket every time.

The 2010 Duke team was the best coached team in the tournament, not the most talented

Duke was not the most talented team that we played or had the best players that we played throughout the tournament... But they were the best coached and, like, the most disciplined. They were kind of like us.

Michael Rapoport suing Barstool over herpes allegations will trigger the Streisand effect

Rappaport claims Barstool engaged in a campaign to discredit and embarrass him, including accusing him of having herpes. The actor wants to make it clear in legal documents that he does not have herpes... I would tell everyone to please Google the Streisand effect and then laugh at the whole thing.

Alabama's maroon home uniforms look slow and boring

I've always thought that the Alabama maroon uniforms look kind of slow... Whenever they put on the maroons at home... They just look a little slow. They're a little dull. Just everything about Alabama is a little bit boring. It's a factory. It's industrial.

Arkansas was the better team despite losing 34-3 to Auburn

The 34-3 score was not indicative of how well the Razorbacks played. Special teams played dictated that score. So the better team didn't win... 34-3. Arkansas outplayed them. Except for the score.

A Jimmy Butler trade to the Heat would make them a top-four seed in the East

Jimmy Butler with the Heat, do they compete in the East? Yeah. I'd say that they're probably... Three or four seed? I'm going to go with probably the [Celtics], I'm going to go with the Raptors, the Celtics, the Heat [as the top seeds].

Josh Allen is a better running quarterback than Cam Newton

Josh Allen, better running quarterback than Cam Newton.

The Done Chain is officially on the Houston Texans

I am going to hang the Done Chain on the Houston Texans. Done. Done. I'm done with them.

Deshaun Watson will not have a great season due to his ACL recovery timeline

I didn't think that Deshaun Watson was going to have a great year this year because Adrian Peterson screwed it up for everybody by coming back from that ACL so quickly... It's going to be like a year and a half before he gets back to normal.

Andrew Luck's shoulder is not fully healthy

When the Colts wanted to go Hail Mary, they brought in Jacoby Brissett. Andrew Luck's shoulder... maybe not as healthy as we think it is.

Patrick Mahomes will win MVP and be inducted into the Hall of Fame in his rookie year

I think he's going to be the first player ever in his rookie year to win MVP and automatic induction to the Hall of Fame.

Andy Reid's teams always take a sharp performance dip after Halloween

We all know that Andy [Reid], he takes a sharp dip after Halloween. He goes into stage two diabetes and never comes back.

The Patriots will still win the AFC East despite their slow start

The Patriots are still going to probably win the AFC East, right? ... You could probably even say they'll go to the AFC Championship.

The Vikings will beat the Rams on Thursday Night Football

The Vikings are going to beat the Rams up Thursday night... Because the Rams are the best team in football, we can all agree... don't take anything the week before and put it on this week.

Tiger Woods is all the way back

Tiger Woods is all the way back. He won the Tour Championship... Tiger Woods still was able to break through to anyone who's even watching football who doesn't even care about golf.

Batman will definitely appear in the upcoming Joker movie

Batman will be in [the Joker movie] at some point. That's my solemn promise to you is Batman will be in there at some point.

The Rams have already won the NFC West

I'm about ready to give the Rams the NFC West title right now.

Josh Gordon will not have long-range success with the Patriots

I don't think [Josh Gordon] has long-range success written over it... because he's not passionate about football... If you're not willing to do the time and the effort into it, you're just going to get cast aside.

Dont'a Hightower can no longer play linebacker effectively

Hightower can't run like he used to run. And so he's really a defensive end. He can't play linebacker anymore.

Derek Carr is not worth a $20 million salary

I'm not sure that [Derek] Carr's worth the $20 million when you watch him play.

The 49ers are so bad defensively they could end up with the #1 overall pick in the draft

If they don't do something in San Francisco, they could easily be picking the first pick in the draft because with that defense, they haven't stopped anybody in three weeks.

Dak Prescott is not the problem in Dallas, the scheme is

I don't think [Dak Prescott sucks]... I think their scheme is so bad. I think they do nothing to help them. I think if Sean McVay went and spent two weeks in Dallas, they'd probably score 30 points a week.

The 2018 Super Bowl will be Rams vs. Chiefs

I think it would be the Rams and the Chiefs, and probably the over would be at 70.

The Miami Dolphins are pretenders despite their 3-0 start

I'm not buying Miami, even though they're 3-0.

Mitch Trubisky is not an instinctive quarterback and lacks the 'feel' for the position

When the game goes fast, I think it's hard for [Mitch Trubisky]. I think the reason he didn't play... at North Carolina is because it wasn't an instinctive position for him.

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize in their sensitivity

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize... Shaq is kind of a fucking loser like that too, where he can joke... but if you come at him, he's kind of a baby about it.

The Jets are exactly what we thought they were, a 7-9 team

The Jets are exactly what we thought they were like a seven and nine team. You want to crown their asses? They're 7-9. I think that's actually a pretty realistic expectation for them.

The Cleveland Browns will make the playoffs

Welcome to being a winner Cleveland. I say the Cleveland Browns are going to make the playoffs.

You cannot win a championship with Jimmy Butler as your number one guy

I would not want to pay [Jimmy Butler] a max deal right now. I don't think that you can win a championship with Jimmy Butler as your one or one a guy.

The Texans' season is over if they lose to the Giants

This is officially if the thing is, I'm pretty sure the Giants are terrible. And if the Texans lose to a terrible team, their season's over.

The Panthers are not a good football team even if they win

I actually think this is kind of a, are we sure they're a good game for the Panthers too? Because if the Panthers lose, I'm going to start asking, are we sure they're good? I don't think the Panthers are good, even if they win.