Takes

Bet the Redskins +3 because of the bad turf at FedEx Field

One, Aaron Rodgers, he says that his knee's getting – like he's afraid that it's going to get worse. And the Redskins' defensive line is pretty good... Aaron Rodgers' knee, the Redskins' turf. That's all you need to say for that game.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Josh Allen is my sleeper of the week and will 'take flight' against the Vikings

My sleeper is Josh Allen. Against the Vikings, D. Everybody's talking about him. People forget they tied. They didn't win. They didn't lose. They don't know what the fuck is going on this week. That rocket arm about to take flight.

The best USFL teams would have been 7-9 caliber NFL teams

Philadelphia Stars back then would have been a 7-9 NFL team.

My lock of the week is the Dolphins -3 over the Raiders

I really like Miami this week at home against Oakland. It's only minus three, and Miami's actually sneaky, like not that bad, I don't think... Dolphins are my pick this week.

Derek Carr is an overrated quarterback

Derek Carr's overrated, I think. It's the Raiders. They've been a gong show forever.

The Patriots will roll over Matt Patricia and the Lions

I also think the Pats roll over [Matt] Patricia. Big Cat, you have sources. They hate Patricia, huh?

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime was a selfish move

You can't quit on your team. If you want to quit after the game, fine. You've got to finish the game. You've got to at least be standing on the sidelines rooting the guys on that you're trying to help or hope to win... It was a selfish move in a weird way to, I mean, everyone's going to remember how that guy retired instead of his career.

Jon Gruden is intentionally sabotaging the Raiders to get back at Al Davis

I think this might be intentional... he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed: 'Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I'm going to come back, and I'm going to wreck your franchise.'

Silicon Valley removing vowels from apps is a war against Italy

Silicon Valley disrupting apps where they take out all the vowels, is that anti-Italian? Absolutely. It's a full-on war against Italy.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I think they hate each other, but I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such like competitive psychos that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs.

Spitting in your own pee stream is a sign of dominance

Number one, spitting in your pee stream is a sign of dominance... once it hits the stream you're in for a good day. Target practice. It's like going skeet shooting.

You cannot trust a guy who consistently wears cologne

You can't trust a guy who consistently wears cologne. You just can't. You're trying too hard.

The Bears are a Super Bowl contender

I watched part of the game, and I'm telling you, this team is a Super Bowl contender. I'm dead serious. That defense. You're not telling me that defense—I mean, I agree, but shut up. The defense is Super Bowl caliber.

The Bears will reach the NFC Championship game this year

I got out of the shower. I said, you know what? NFC Championship. Let's just settle with that. The thing is, you never want to win the Super Bowl the first year that the team's together. You want to go through the tough days and then the next year you build.

The Bears will win the NFC North this year

This is your year to win that division. Aaron Rodgers is hurt. Kirk Cousins is a nerd. Matt Patricia lost the locker room. This is your year to win that division.

The championship window has officially closed for the Seattle Seahawks

This is a major, like, officially the window has shut on the Seattle Seahawks. I'm ready to declare window closed. They're going to now have to remake themselves as an offensive team. No more glory hole.

Chris Carson is a future All-Pro running back

They're playing with [10 ghosts], except for Chris Carson, who's future All-Pro running back.

The Bears are neck-and-neck with the Rams as Super Bowl favorites

In conclusion, the Bears, I have to, if I'm being honest and not just to troll you, I say that the Bears are, it's like them neck and neck with the Rams as being Super Bowl favorites.

Mike Tomlin is losing the Steelers locker room

We always say Mike Tomlin, he's a player's coach, and he's liable to lose a locker room this year. He's literally losing his locker room. He's got nothing. He's got [Le'Veon] Bell gone.

Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers

I was saying, okay, who killed these Pittsburgh Steelers? Was it the Browns? Nope. Was it Patrick Mahomes? Nope. Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers by beating them twice last year in their own backyard.

The Buccaneers have a full-blown quarterback controversy

Deshaun Jackson proved our point that you have to keep riding Ryan Fitzpatrick. He said that you have to ride the hot hand. That is a full-blown quarterback controversy as far as I'm concerned.

Urban Meyer is so boring off the field that it's hard to understand how players get fired up for him

He's one of those coaches where when he's not actively on the sidelines coaching, he's so boring that I have no idea how anybody gets fired up to play for him. He must be just like a totally different guy when he's out there on the field.

The Jets vs. Browns color rush game is going to suck

Can I counterpoint you? That game is going to suck. Because Pup Punk is House of Blues, Boston. You should go to that instead.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

Route running is the most important skill for a wide receiver

I would say that route running is supreme over every other characteristic of being a receiver. Forget the speed. Forget the height. Forget the vertical. If you're a route runner, you can be so deceptive with everything.

The Arizona Cardinals are a sleeper team this season

One sleeper for the season is the Arizona Cardinals. Sam Bradford, of course, he has to stay healthy. David Johnson came on our show... a thousand and a thousand. So with him, Larry Legend, Fitzgerald, and then Chandler Jones and Patrick Peterson, I think they can do some damage.

Josh Gordon won't succeed in New England if he couldn't in Cleveland

If you can't get your shit together enough to play for the Browns and for the Browns to release you—I think that if you can't get your shit together enough to be able to play on the Browns for six years, then you're probably not going to be able to play for Bill Belichick.

The Bills and the Cardinals are the only two NFL teams that definitely suck after Week 2

I think this is the first time we've gotten to week two, because usually you can tell almost instantly, okay, these teams definitely suck, and these teams are going to definitely be good. I actually only have two teams that definitely suck on the list... the Bills [and] the Cardinals.

Todd Bowles is a top-ten NFL coach

I still think that Todd Bowles is a top-ten coach. Everybody knows the Dolphins always play the Jets tough.

The Patriots are going to trade for Josh Gordon

If you're anything like me, your first reaction [to the Josh Gordon news] was the fucking Patriots are going to get him.

The Buccaneers cannot sit Ryan Fitzpatrick if he wins in Week 3

Ryan Fitzpatrick, if he wins week three, how can they sit him? I don't know what's going on with Ryan Fitzpatrick, but I am ready, much like Case Keenum last year where we had to ask ourselves many times... Ryan Fitzpatrick, if he wins week three, how can they sit him?

Patriots September losses never matter

The Patriots always lose these games in September. It never matters. I got another stat from this from Tim Whelan on Twitter. So the last three years in which the Patriots reached the Super Bowl, they lost by double digits within the first four weeks.

The Jaguars' defense is for real and they're scary

The Jaguars' defense is going to be for real... You can look at what happened with [Gronkowski] today... They shut down Rob Gronkowski. Like, that defense is scary.

The 'Philip Rivers line' is the definitive way to judge if an NFL quarterback is elite

The Mendoza line... it's just the Philip Rivers line. Would you take said quarterback over Philip Rivers? If you would, then he's an elite quarterback. If you wouldn't, then he is a sucky quarterback. Philip Rivers straddles that line perfectly.

Bears vs. Seahawks is the most important game in franchise history

I think the Bears, as I said, not me overreacting to the loss against the Packers. I called it the most important game in franchise history. And as such, I think they will win.

Chris Carson will run for a lot of yards against the Bears

I think the Bears are going to win. I'm eager to see [Chris Carson] run for a shitload of yards, as I predicted.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to justify getting rid of ties

We had a theory last year... that Roger Goodell was trying to save football or at least appear like he was the good guy by having all of his kickers miss these easy field goals so that he could come in and change the rules and get rid of ties altogether.

Wisconsin is out of the national title race after losing to BYU

The one redeeming quality about Wisconsin Badger football fans is we are realists to a fault. I never, we're not, we're out of the national, you know. It's not going to happen. We could win every game and it still wouldn't happen. You can't lose as 23 and a half point favorites.

Josh Gordon will be traded on Monday

I think [Josh Gordon] is going to be traded at some point on Monday. And then the Browns wash their hands of him.

Josh Gordon's likely landing spots are the Seahawks, Patriots, or 49ers

I think that Seattle would be one of the teams... I think the Patriots would have to be considered... I'd say Seahawks, Patriots, 49ers would be the three teams I'd watch.

The Buccaneers will beat the Steelers on Monday night to move to 3-0

We assumed they were going to be 0-3 in the games Winston missed, and now here they are 2-0, and they're looking good, and the Steelers look like crap. I think they could be 3-0. I think you've got to ride with Fitzpatrick for as long as you can.

The NFL should treat QBs like kickers and prohibit all contact after the ball is out

Just treat the quarterback like a punter or a kicker. Once the ball's out, you can't touch him. Then there's no ambiguity... if you don't touch the ball and the ball's out and you hit the quarterback, it's a foul just like it is for a punter and a kicker.

Bill O'Brien would be at the front of the hot seat list if he hadn't just received a contract extension

The Houston Texans... who were 4-12 last year, and Bill O'Brien still got a contract extension. You know, if he hadn't gotten that extension, I think he'd be the guy at the front of the hot seat list right now.

Todd Haley will take over for Hue Jackson at some point this season

I think Todd Haley is the guy that ends up taking over at some point for the rest of the season, at some point this year [in Cleveland].

Nick Saban is an underachiever because he only wins a title every other year

Nick Saban's an underachiever... with this in mind, five national titles really does not seem like enough in an 11-year period. If Saban were as good at being a head coach as he is at recruiting, Alabama would have won the national title on a yearly basis. But he isn't.

Joe Flacco stinks and the Ravens need to get him receivers

Joe Flacco. He stinks. They need to get him some receivers.

The excuse for Joe Flacco's entire career will be his lack of receivers

The Ravens just won't go out and get it [receiving help]. That's going to be the excuse for Joe Flacco for his entire career. Okay. Because he doesn't have receivers.

The Lions have already quit on Matt Patricia

The Lions already quit on Matt Patricia. I think he's already lost the locker room. I'm going to go all the way there... They already hate Matt Patricia. They already hate that stupid backwards hat and the trash bag he wears.

The Jets are overvalued after their Week 1 performance

Is this a major Ravens against the Bills situation where they're [the Jets] overvalued now? Correct. Well, guess what? I'm an idiot, and so actually all of my picks, I'm looking at them all right now, they're all basic picks.