Takes

NFL preseason quarters should be shortened to eight minutes

I would cut the preseason down to eight minutes a quarter, too. Because it doesn't make sense to have the game so long, 15 minutes when you know that the game doesn't count... I just think they should cut the minutes down because the risk of losing some of your starters versus the reward of them I don't think is worth it.

85% of NFL players are scared at the moment of contact when tackling

Every time you look at it, it's very rarely that there's a couple guys in the NFL who are really just coming in and they form tackle the right way. But every time people duck their heads, at the moment of contact, 85% of everybody gets scared. If you look at it, people's eyes are closed. They're scared of it. It's human nature.

The Eagles will win the NFC and go from there

Give me an official prediction real quick for your record this year... As an eagle. I think we're going to win our conference and go from there.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

Dustin Johnson and Paulina Gretzky are officially on the rocks

Polina Gretzky... has scrubbed her entire Instagram of all Dustin Johnson pictures... Which leads many to believe that they are on the rocks. Yeah... I think people that grew up with Instagram, that's just standard operating procedure. Once it's official, once you break up, heaven forbid you get into another relationship and there's still pictures.

The Bears defense is elite and can beat anyone

This Bears defense can beat anyone. [The 20-0 halftime lead] feels like a pivotal era in the Bears history where it's like everything's going to be good from this point forward.

Ben Roethlisberger is bad now because he's too skinny

He's bad now that he's skinny. He doesn't know how to operate without all that extra padding around him. He just drops back, and since he doesn't have that padding, he's used to defensive ends just hitting him and bouncing off him or just being absorbed by his fat.

The Ravens are going to win the AFC North

The Ravens do look like a good football team. John Harbaugh is a week one gangster. Yeah, they're going to win that division.

The Bengals are going to win the AFC North

Yeah, so my team that's going to win the [AFC] North, the Cincinnati Bengals... They have a ton of talent, and as long as Andy Dalton... Their color rush unis were fire.

I was wrong: Patrick Mahomes is electric and I'm a believer

One person that I do have to take back my take is Patrick Mahomes. I said Patrick Mahomes stinks and is going to be terrible... I will admit my mistakes. He's electric. No, I'm actually a believer in him now.

I will get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo if Big Cat eats horse poop

I'm going to get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo. You want to bet? You have to eat horse poop if I get a Mahomes tattoo?

Whoever loses Bears vs. Seahawks in Week 2 will miss the playoffs

Whoever loses that game is not going to make the playoffs. Can I just do it right now? Can I just say it's a win? You don't have to play it?

Jeremy Hill will be the most physical running back in New England since Corey Dillon

[Jeremy] Hill, the new running back that they got in town. He's going to be the most physical running back in New England since Corey Dillon. Maybe even more physical.

The Chargers are my dark horse team and they will make the playoffs if they start at least 2-2

Chargers... they're my dark horse this year. They've got to get off to a fast start. They've never done that in the history of that franchise... until I see them at least 2-2, then I'll be like, okay, they're going to the playoffs.

Derwin James is the next Ed Reed and Sean Taylor 2.0

Derwin James, the new safety. He's going to be the next Ed Reed. I love him... He's Sean Taylor 2.0.

Matt Ryan was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system

I think [Matt Ryan] was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system. How about that? He was 13-3, I believe, without Kyle Shanahan. He's top 10.

Tom Brady will play three more years and win one more Super Bowl

Gun to your head, Tom Brady, how many more years does he play? Three. How many more Super Bowls does he win? One.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

I actually believe in Herm Edwards at Arizona State

We were very wrong about Herm Edwards. I can't believe I'm sitting here saying this, but I think I believe in Herm. Herm Edwards could recruit me.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

Matt Ryan stinks

Today is Friday, September 7th and Matt Ryan stinks. Is Matt Ryan hurt? Because he's not good.

The Green Zone is football for morons and I love it

The green zone is essentially when they have the first down to gain and it is third down, they make the field look extra green between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker to let you know how much area they need to cover to get that first down. It is essentially football for morons, which we are, and I love it.

You can't complain about Steve Sarkisian's bad play calling because that's exactly what he is

Everyone's blaming [Steve] Sarkisian for everything just because he sucks at play calling. That's not his fault. That's who he is. If you hire Sark to be your offensive coordinator, you should know what you're going to get, and you can't complain about it.

The Bengals will be a good value this year

I'm also buying the Bengals this year. I think this is the perfect year for the Bengals to get Marvin Lewis another seven years. Joe Mixon, John Ross, A.J. Green, I actually think they're going to score points.

The Over 45 is a lock for the Titans-Dolphins game

For my over, I'm going with Tennessee and Miami. So it's at 45. Mike Vrabel... you always got to go with a new head coach because you don't have anything on film for him. They're getting away from the exotic smash mouth... so you can't score any fewer points than you did with Mike Malarkey. So I like Tennessee-Miami.

The Under 42.5 is the lock for the Jaguars-Giants game

I'm going to take the Jags-Giants under, 42.5. I think the Giants are going to try to run a lot. I think both teams are going to run a lot, so we're going to get one of those weird games where it's like 10-7 going into the fourth quarter, and there's only been 12 passes.

The Buccaneers will cover +9.5 against the Saints

For my underdog I'm going with the Buccaneers... They're plus nine and a half at New Orleans. This is one of the situations where every bone in my body says to take New Orleans so I'm going to fade myself and I'm going with the Buccaneers.

The Ravens will cover -7.5 against the Bills

The Bills are going to be very, very bad until they start Josh Allen. I'm going to take the Ravens. It's a heavy line, seven and a half. But I just feel like this is, this Bills offensive line has holes... I think the Ravens, John Harbaugh, he always wins week one.

The Over 48 in the Chiefs-Chargers game is money in the bank

I've got my super secret double lock with an over. It's such a good pick that I didn't even feel good telling you about it during the normal segment because it's basically money in the bank. Kansas City and the Chargers over. 48 points. Take it. Smell it.

I am not a Patrick Mahomes guy

I want to be on the record that I am not a Mahomes guy. Okay. Put me on the record. Put me in the history books.

The Bears were right to trade two first-round picks for Khalil Mack

[Ryan] Pace is the man. He gave up two first-rounders. Put his nuts on the table. But you don't know if they're going to be good anyway. People are always like, why would you give two first rounders? So you draft the first rounder. Do you know he's going to be good right away? Any time you get a chance to get a player like Khalil [Mack], you do it.

Mitchell Trubisky will have a breakout year with an open play book

I think [Mitchell Trubisky] is going to do well. You look at last year, they didn't let him do much last year. I think this year will be different. They're going to open it up, use his athletic ability, move him around a little bit. I've not been this excited in a long time about our team.

Mike Brown was the smartest defensive player I ever played with

The smartest one is Mike Brown. Not even close. Julius Peppers is a different—you know, 6'6", 300, runs a 4'6", 4'5" 40. But Mike Brown... he was the smartest.

Kyle Orton was a great quarterback who never got the credit he deserved

People didn't give Kyle [Orton] enough credit. Kyle could do everything they asked him to do. They didn't ask him to do much because, first of all, Kyle knew what kind of defense he had. So he didn't turn the ball over... He understood the situation he was in with our defense. So he could make all the throws that we needed him to, but he just didn't get the credit he deserved.

Bear Weather is 100% real

Is Bear weather real? Yes, 100%. Nobody wants to play in Chicago past December or November or whatever. Our fans love it. In the winter, they don't care, man. They're going to come out and support no matter what. If you're playing there, you better take advantage of that weather because it's not going to change.

The Browns are going to win the Super Bowl this year

The Browns are going to win the Super Bowl this year. Did you watch Hard Knocks? They're awesome.

Aaron Rodgers is the toughest quarterback I ever played against

Who's the toughest quarterback you had to play against? Aaron [Rodgers]. His mobility is obviously—his arm is tremendous, but his mobility and they're never in a bad play. You can't trick them.

I want to coach Jalen Ramsey to play hockey

I kind of want to see him [Jalen Ramsey]. I want to teach him. I want to be his coach. I love how cornerbacks talk trash and obviously he was just doing it to stir the pot... but I'm over here like, man, I kind of want to see him try.

I'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs

We'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs. Spread that mayo all over it. Yeah, we'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

Grapes are the real frauds because they don't actually taste like grape

Grapes are the real frauds. Grapes don't taste like grape anymore. They got cucked out of their own taste... You're drinking a grape soda, but it is not grape. It doesn't taste like grapes. It tastes like purple.

The Browns are going to win the Super Bowl

I don't know if I am just still feeling the high of a Liev Schreiber narrated slow-mo. But I think the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl.

The Browns season of Hard Knocks was better than the Rex Ryan Jets season

Listen, this is the best season of Hard Knocks. This was better than the Rex Ryan season.

I've never been more confident in the Khalil Mack trade than I am seeing Hue Jackson dislike it

I've never felt more confident in the Khalil Mack trade than I did when Hue Jackson saw the news and was like, oh, that's a lot. That's too many draft picks.

The Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers

I have a long-standing theory that the Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Like, their owner that they have, Jimmy Haslam, is a former Steelers owner. I think that they were just kind of brought back into the league to inflate the Steelers' record artificially.

Jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear

I actually think jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear because football coaches, they either are in sweatpants or full suit. There is no in-between. It's actually the way to tell the difference between normal human beings and football coaches is if you see someone wearing jeans, you're like, that's a civilian.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Christian Yelich will win the MLB MVP

It's Christian Yelich since appearing on Pardon My Take in July. He's first in batting average, tied for first in home runs, first in runs, first in RBIs, and first in slugging percentage. Many people are saying he's going to be the MVP.

The NHL should outlaw keg stands on the Stanley Cup because they compromise its structural integrity

The NHL is considering outlawing keg stands on the Stanley Cup. That is not fun. The Washington Capitals have done too many keg stands on it, and they've compromised the structural integrity.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.