Takes

LaVar Ball riding coach class on a plane is a terrible look for a brand built on being a 'Big Baller.'

Someone took a picture of [LaVar Ball] riding coach on a plane. It's kind of a tough look if your brand is built on being a big baller. ... You can't be doing that if you're a big baller.

Yadier Molina will be the next player-manager for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Yadier's going to be the new player manager. That's what my sources are telling me.

Texas football is officially back because they have 60 players who can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Texas football. This could also be filed under Texas football being back. Because they are back. Tom Herman said they have 60 players that can vertical jump over 30 inches.

French kissing animals is completely fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Elon Musk is a total fraud.

I'm so here for Elon Musk, like, just having meltdown after meltdown because everyone realizes he's a fraud and, like, promising people to go to Mars. ... Elon Musk... Total fraud.

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

Pregaming a wedding is essential to making the day tolerable when dealing with annoying family members.

Sometimes you're pre-gaming just because you don't want to deal with, you know, annoying family members and whatnot. You got to have a couple beers, make the whole day tolerable.

Using the All-Star Game result to determine World Series home-field advantage was the 'dumbest way' to decide it.

I mean, I know it doesn't have any impact on the World Series anymore. Which I think it's right, though. ... it was the dumbest way to decide home field advantage.

Dan Haren's self-deprecating Twitter persona is completely authentic to who he was in the clubhouse.

The way [Dan Haren] is on Twitter and in person is the way he was in the clubhouse. I love him. ... All that stuff's true. ... He was taking 85 out there every day like he was posting every single day.

Giancarlo Stanton and I would still be on the Marlins if Jose Fernandez hadn't passed away.

I'd still be there. Stanton would still be there. We'd all still be there this year if that [Jose Fernandez's passing] didn't happen. This would have been his last year before free agency so we would have been gearing up making a playoff push and we had a ton of talent on those teams.

If a rookie respects Joe West and doesn't complain about borderline calls, West will treat them well for their entire career.

Joe's one of those umpires where when you're a rookie and you're coming up in the league and you don't disrespect him... If he punches you out on a borderline pitch and you're a rookie and you turn back and you start yelling at him, that's a wrap for you for the rest of that day and probably for the next few years. ... Me and Joe have been on really good terms.

If Christian Yelich ever wins a Home Run Derby, I will lick a crow's butthole.

If you win the Home Run Derby... I'm going to lick a crow's butthole. That's what I'll do. I'll one up the guy.

The 'virgin' storyline for Colton Underwood on 'The Bachelorette' is a narrative that actually plays well with the audience.

I'm telling you, this virgin thing plays. ... I think it absolutely plays. ... What better chase than a 30-year-old guy that's like, I could have had sex, but I've never had sex.

If you name your kid Blake, he is guaranteed to win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

If you name your kid Blake, you do so knowing for a fact that he will win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

Mike Trout should get a mural of LeBron James' 'Welcome to LA' mural tattooed on his neck to improve his fame.

He should put, like, the LeBron James Welcome to L.A. mural on his neck. Yes, and then people will finally be like, oh, Anaheim is also in the L.A. market. And then he'll get swarmed by people trying to deface the mural on his neck. Yes. And so everybody will know what he looks like.

The report that Kenneth Faried has a higher Q-rating than Mike Trout is a total load of shit.

I'm kind of thinking that the Q rating is a load of shit. Because there's no chance that this is actually true. [Trout's] recognition is the same as Kenneth Faried. ... Literally, they went on a list and they just picked [him].

If you wear a camo shooting sleeve while playing pickup basketball, you deserve to have the police called on you.

If you're wearing a camo shooting sleeve, you probably should have the cops called on you. ... That's also stolen valor. So that is a crime if you're wearing the camo shooting sleeve.

Playing pickup basketball by ones and twos is strategically better for outside shooters than playing by twos and threes.

If you took the time to break down the scoring, playing by ones and twos is actually way more advantageous if you're a good outside shooter. Because they're worth twice as much. It's double.

France winning the World Cup avenged the 'curse of Zidane'

They avenge the curse of Zidane. The curse that I just invented right now has been put away in the closet, never to be mentioned again.

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you're the champion for four years

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you get to be champion for four years. That's pretty fucking sweet.

Harry Kane's Golden Boot was unimpressive due to the quality of his goals

Harry Kane spits when he talks, scored like half his goals from PKs and kicking it in from two feet out. He won the golden boot.

Jimmy Kimmel has his 'brain broken by 2018 politics' which prevents him from doing funny stunts

Jimmy Kimmel... He's so obsessed with politics and tweeting at all different politicians every day that he can't do these funny stunts. There's a hole in the punked world because Jimmy Kimmel has his brain broken by 2018 politics.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The St. Louis Gateway Arch is the worst monument in the world

I have my nominee for the worst. The Arch in St. Louis. Yes, that one sucks. Like, hey, let's just put like a big piece of metal on your front lawn. It looks like a leftover part from the air conditioner.

The Midwest does not need a 'gateway' monument

It's called, what, the Gateway to the Midwest? Does the Midwest really need a gateway? No. Nobody's out there, like, wondering, am I in the Midwest yet? If you're being served a pizza that has ketchup instead of tomato sauce, you know you're in the Midwest.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

The Jabari Parker contract is a perfect risk for the Chicago Bulls

Jabari Parker, two-year, $40 million. It's actually the perfect risk by the Bulls to do that but it is very funny when you see the number 40 million and you realize that a guy who's got two torn ACLs is getting 40 million.

The hardest thing to do in football is to keep it simple

The hardest thing in football to do is to keep it simple, play simple and it possibly is one of the most effective things. So I actually kept it very simple today and created chances for my teammates.

Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all time, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo versus Messi. Who's better? [Rooney:] Messi. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but they're both probably the best players ever to play the game. And I just think Messi is... In my eyes, the greatest ever.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.

Boltman is the most 'municipally active' mascot of all time

He's probably the most municipally active mascot of all time. He goes to city council meetings. Yes, he's familiar with Robert's Rules of Order. The guy knows his shit when it comes to town councils.

Boltman's retirement is the 'official' end of the Chargers in San Diego

And it's like this is the official move of the Chargers to L.A. When Boltman retires and he's like, I'm done. I've been pushed too far. Boltman, these diehard fans that the organization just pushes them a little too far, and they have to announce their retirement.

People who get offended by bat flips in baseball are silly

People getting offended by bat flips are so silly. I fucking love this. I think this might be a straw man now. I think we've gotten to the point where... now I think we might just be arguing against no one.

Mike Matheny is a 'dumb-dumb brains' for his management and team culture issues

Thoughts and prayers to Mike Matheny. Dumb-dumb brains is what I have been calling him over the years. So he got fired mid- I think that probably had a lot to do with his firing. Dumb-dumb brains. Once you get labeled as dumb-dumb brains, you can't come back.

Yadier Molina's career-high home run pace at age 35 is suspicious

Yadier Molina, 35 years old, on pace for the most home runs in his career. Very interesting. And the seams have been raised, so it's actually harder to hit home runs. Very interesting.

Jeff Fisher will be a great announcer because he's as close to nothing as possible

I'm being totally honest when I say that I think [Jeff Fisher] will be a good announcer, and here's why. The best announcers don't really say shit. They're just kind of quiet, and they let the game just go on. Jeff Fisher is as close to nothing as possible. So he'll just chime in every third down and be like, 'I think they should probably run it here.'

France will win the 2018 World Cup Final

I'm going to go with France as well. Mbappé is 19.

Croatia will win the 2018 World Cup because of the 'presence of smoke'

Taking Croatia because their presence of smoke.

I want to start selling drugs in France because they have a culture of smoking and long lunches

I just want to start selling drugs in France. That's my idea. I think that there's a lot of money to be made. Like I said, they're all smokers over there. They take like five-hour lunches. So if you give... give them a little joint, they get hungry again. They're not going to go anywhere. They stay at the restaurant. Plus, in French, their word for 80 literally means 420. So I think they're sending a signal.

We need more 'dog art' because it appeals to both dumb and high-level brains

My drunk idea is... dog art. We need more dog art. Art with dogs in it. Everyone would buy that. It's the art that dumb brains can buy and high-level brains can buy, so I think we need to corner the market on dog art. Dogs doing everything. Let's take all the classic works of art and instead put dogs in them. Mona Lisa, but it's a German Shepherd.

The Challenge is the number one reality show of all time

My number one reality show of all time is The Challenge. I have seen pretty much every season. I watched it when I was young, I watch it now. It never gets old. TJ Lavin never gets old.

Cops is a top-tier reality show because of its unique hook and short format

My first one is going to be Cops. Cops is a classic. I also like the format of it. It's short, and it hooks you in. One thing they do when they play a marathon of Cops, right when the end credit of Bad Boys by Inner Circle is done, the start of Bad Boys by Inner Circle just hits immediately.

Jersey Shore revolutionized reality television and is a top-tier show

I'm going to go Jersey Shore, revolutionize the game. Revolutionize the game. It was a cultural phenomenon.

Flavor of Love and Laguna Beach are top-tier reality television shows

I'm going to go with Flavor of Love... and Laguna Beach. I was obsessed with Kristin Cavallari.

The Real World is the 'granddaddy' of reality shows and a top-tier pick

I'm going to go with Real World. So the granddaddy of them all, Real World was great. Especially shout out to the Hawaii season. I remember watching... it always has a special spot in my heart. I do think it is the Godfather show.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Cheaters with Joey Greco is one of the greatest reality shows ever

I'm going to go with Cheaters. With Joey Greco. Listen, Cheaters was a goat. Joey Greco got stabbed, breaking up a couple that was getting into a fight. The best was before he would go and catch the Cheaters, he would be hiding out, literally sometimes around a corner or behind a dumpster, and he'd be like, those are the Cheaters right there.

To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time

My last one, I feel like I'm going to sound like a fucked up person for this, but To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time. All time moment, the guy who spilled the margarita in the backyard... It's a fucked up show, but hard not to watch.