Takes

The Cleveland Cavaliers will make the playoffs as a 7 or 8 seed this year without LeBron James

I think the Cavs are going to make the playoffs. That's my hot take. I think they're going to be like a 7 or an 8 seed.

Dwight Howard is the ultimate locker room cancer because he ruins every team he joins

dwight howard is my number one in like the world to me he is everywhere he goes he is terrible... he's been with all those teams. He's ruined all of those teams. I honestly think if you put him on your team, you're just basically... trying to destroy your team from within.

Latrell Sprewell is a top-tier locker room cancer because he choked his coach

My number three, I will go with Latrell Sprewell. Choked his coach. Probably not good for locker room morale.

Gilbert Arenas is one of the biggest locker room cancers ever because he pulled a gun on a teammate

I'm going to go with Gilbert Arenas. People forget he pulled a gun on his teammate. That's pretty bad, I would think.

Milton Bradley is one of the biggest dickheads in sports history

My last one is going to be, how about Milton Bradley? One of the biggest dickheads that's ever walked the earth. He played for eight [teams]. It's almost impossible for a guy who has actually a ton of talent to play for eight teams.

Modern baseball and stat heads are ruining starting pitching

modern baseball is ruining starting pitching. Like, you see guys starting relievers now. Stat heads have killed starting pitching... if they expand rosters it's over there's not going to be starting pitching anymore it's just going to be a bunch of relievers.

The days of unwritten rules in baseball are over and bat flips should be marketed

Unwritten rules are gone. Bat flips are being marketed. There's no such thing as the unwritten rule. If it sells tickets and gets people in the seats, like, I'm absolutely [okay with that].

Derek Jeter is such a fierce competitor that if he lost a bet to you, he would pay you entirely in pennies

He was such a competitor that if he lost, he would pay you in pennies... it would be like $100 on something stupid... he would literally have a bag of pennies the next day. And it wasn't like a dollar. It was like $100. That's a lot of pennies.

Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away for his lazy play against the Rays

He removed his pinstripes, said Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away... El Gary is supposed to be the people talking Hall of Fame after his first year... he should just show up to the next home game with the road jersey and be like, here you go, boss. Here are my pinstripes.

Tim Tebow would definitely hit a home run if he were ever called up to the Major Leagues

If you think Tim Tebow would not have hit a home run in the major leagues, you do not know Tim Tebow, my friend. All the guy does is miracles. That's all he does.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

The fan Tiger Woods hit with a golf ball is responsible for Tiger losing The Open

Tiger was back for a minute, and then he hit a guy with a golf ball, and everything fell apart from that moment on. I hope that guy's a real asshole, the guy that got hit. And I hope it affects him down the line. I hope it becomes like a Steve Bartman situation because he took something very important away from us. He took Tiger being in contention on the 18th hole of a major championship in the year of our Lord 2018 away from the world.

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Tiger Woods has won a major in every country that has a Perkins restaurant

Tiger Woods has won a major tournament in every single country that has a Perkins restaurant. That's a fact. Well, there haven't been any majors played in Canada. I'll give it to him.

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year. He's healthy now. Flacco is full speed. The difference is evident. No limitations as a scrambler. Or even on designed runs. So they're opening up the playbook for Flacco. They're going to let him show off the wheels.

Kawhi Leonard will hate Toronto and his uncle will continue to speak for him

Kawhi Leonard, does he like Toronto or not? It was reported that he hates it. He didn't leave his hotel room during the All-Star game. Will he or will he not stay or play or ever do anything else on a basketball court because no one's talked to him in like 10 months and his uncle has taken his brain and is now speaking for him.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

The morning sports media market is completely oversaturated and lacks a captive audience

The morning market is so oversaturated. And people's viewing patterns when they wake up in the morning, it feels like you do the same thing every morning where you may tune into something, click on something, and then that's it. It's hard to get that captive audience there in the morning that isn't already paying attention to something else.

I left ESPN because I hit a wall and wasn't getting any better at the 6 o'clock SportsCenter

That's one of the reasons why I left ESPN. I wasn't enjoying the 6 o'clock sports center the last three years. I just thought, man, I hit a wall. I wouldn't get any better. I remember saying to my wife, I'm just not getting better. And she goes, yeah, but you're the only one that knows. I said, but that's not the only one that matters.

Tom Brady would have retired if the Patriots had beaten the Eagles in the Super Bowl

If they had won the Super Bowl this year [Super Bowl LII], I believe he retired. Because I think when Gisele said that to the CBS Morning Show, she wasn't provoked to talk about his concussions. She was putting the pressure on him, I think, to say, Tommy's had concussions. He's not going to listen to me, but maybe he'll listen to somebody else.

The Patriots only traded Jimmy Garoppolo because Tom Brady forced them to

It doesn't make sense what happened in New England. If you tell me that that organization all of a sudden said, we're not trading Garoppolo. You can't have Garoppolo. Then all of a sudden you could have Garoppolo for a second-round draft pick. It doesn't make sense. And then, you know, so Brady, if he's pushing them to say, look, I'm not retiring here. Get rid of the kid. It feels like now Brady's indebted to them a little bit because they did what it felt like he asked them to do.

The XFL could be successful if it uses an NFL strike or lockout to poach players

I think that they might actually be onto something though if the CBA stuff doesn't get worked out because the NFL could go on strike or there might be a lockout. In which case the XFL has an opportunity to poach some players and get their season started, you know, while the NFL is not even playing. And I think that might actually work.

I would take five LeBrons over five Michael Jordans in a prime matchup

[Big Cat]: Five MJs, five LeBrons. Who you got? Both in their prime. [Dan Patrick]: I'll take five LeBrons. LeBron's going to be as accomplished. The fact he went to eight straight NBA finals.

LeBron James didn't play a lick of defense in the 2017-18 season

He literally didn't play defense. There was many times where he literally did not play defense. He did not play defense in 2017-18. He didn't.

Michael Jordan could not survive in today's social media environment

Mike, Mike couldn't survive in today's social media. He wouldn't have done well with social media.

LeBron James is building the 'All-Blame Team' to ensure no one blames him for the Lakers' 2018-19 season

I think LeBron is now just putting together the all blame team. He has put together the greatest blame team of all time. JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Rondo, and Michael Beasley. LeBron James has no intentions of winning next year. He just has intentions of making sure no one blames him.

Spinzone: Jimmy Garoppolo was actually saving kids' lives by going on a date with a porn star

The porn star won an auction, a charity auction, to spend an evening with Jimmy Garoppolo. So he was saving kids' lives by taking the porn star on a date. I don't know if this is true or not. In fact, it sounds exactly like something that you would make up to tell your girlfriend if you got caught.

I like the Kawhi Leonard trade for the Raptors because their old core wasn't working

I actually like this move for the Raptors because you couldn't, after you lose to LeBron 4-0 in your best season in franchise history... And everyone says these guys are a mental mess. DeMar DeRozan didn't even play in game three in crunch time. You need to do something different.

Kawhi Leonard is a top five NBA player when healthy

Kawhi is, if he's healthy, which I assume he is, is a top five NBA player. And now you have one of the best defenses in the NBA.

The Spurs got the worst part of the Kawhi Leonard trade

The Spurs probably got the worst part of this trade because DeMar DeRozan, okay, he's a nice player, but he's obviously not Kawhi, and you didn't get top draft picks, and you had to give up Danny Green, too.

The Lakers are smart to not overextend for Kawhi Leonard in 2018

It's a smart move by the Lakers to be like, we're not going to overextend for 2019. We're not going to trade our young guys when everyone's going to be a free agent next year.

LSU will actually have a good quarterback this year

Plus, they've got a good quarterback this time. So we've said that a lot about LSU, but this is the year.

Fortnite being a distraction will be the biggest story of the 2018 college football season

I think we can all agree the big story of the 2018 college football season is going to be coaches being mad about Fortnite. I think that is going to be the big overarching story every single week.

Dabo Swinney will be the first coach to win a game of Fortnite to impress recruits

I'm going to make a prediction. I'm going to try to call my shot. Dabo [Swinney] is going to be the first one to ever win a game of Fortnite. To battle royale number one. Because he's going to start playing and being like, check it out, guys. I play Fortnite like you do.

Changing the rules to make football safer will eventually make it a different sport entirely

Larry Fedora is a little over the top. I understand his underlying premise that if you keep changing the rules year after year, eventually we're going to get to a point where you're basically just not playing football.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

I tried to hit triples in 2016 because my wife promised me special 'rewards' for them

My wife made me some offer behind the scenes. That's why I always want to accomplish a triple. One game I hit two. I don't know if you remember that. My wife take off running.

The Oakland A's will make the Wild Card in 2018

The Oakland A's will happen to creep into that Wild Card spot in the AL. The Oakland A's will be playing meaningful and potential postseason baseball come the finish of... late September.

I could have made a comeback as a right-handed pitcher because pitching is in my DNA

I can pitch because that's just something that's in the DNA, you know what I mean? Like loyalty, royalty, and pitching. ... Just throwing right-handed, that would be the achievement.

Unwritten rules are necessary to provide policing in baseball

For the most part, what I believe unwritten rules do are provide a sort of policing that players on the whole can either understand at the minimum, even if they're not on board with. They kind of have an idea of why this is happening. Why am I getting drilled right now?

Left-handed players should be allowed to play shortstop

Lefties can't be shortstops. It's always bothered me. Someday someone's going to break the mold. ... Someone's got to be the change out there.

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

If you got upset about Bryce Harper's dad 'cheating' during the Home Run Derby, you are a loser.

His dad cheated. And if you got upset about that, and I love Kyle Schwarber, you are the biggest loser in the world because it's the home run derby.

Bryce Harper will not be a National next year.

We commonly agree that, yes, Bryce Harper is no longer going to be a National next year.

Baseball is officially back because it finally received the Colin Cowherd 'Manalytics' seal of approval.

Baseball is fully back because it finally got the Colin Cowherd seal of approval. You know his Manalytics, which we are actually unironically fans of... We actually believe in Manalytics.

Le'Veon Bell and the Steelers are never getting back together.

Le'Veon Bell and the Steelers are never, ever getting back together.

Le'Veon Bell will eventually sign with the Washington Redskins.

So, yeah, future Washington R-Word Le'Veon Bell. You heard it here first on Pardon My Take.