Takes

LeBron James will still leave the Cavaliers after the 2017-18 season

It does make a lot of drama, and I still do think LeBron is leaving. Although now it's sourced material from our friend Ryan Russell says LeBron doesn't know what to do because he hasn't decided if he hates Isaiah Thomas yet or not.

Jon Jones is addicted to steroids

I think Jon Jones, it's an understatement to say it, but I think he just really likes drugs. He's addicted to steroids. He's got an addictive [personality]... He's the only person on earth that's addicted to PEDs.

Jon Jones is firmly on the Mount Rushmore of steroid users along with Lance Armstrong, A-Rod, and Barry Bonds

He now goes firmly, I think he was already in there, but he is firmly in the Mount Rushmore steroid users. It's like him, Lance Armstrong, probably A-Rod... Barry Bonds.

Every major sports league, especially the UFC and MLB, should legalize performance-enhancing drugs

We really do need like a rogue every league where steroids are allowed. Mostly UFC though... Baseball and UFC... Just every sport, you should just legalize it.

Conor McGregor will lose to Floyd Mayweather by doing something illegal during the fight

I'm gonna put money on McGregor because... he's in the mood for pikey justice. And he's gonna do something... McGregor's going to take him out illegally and then lose the fight. But then he's gonna have all his money spread out and bet on Mayweather to win.

The Washington Nationals have a 100% chance of making the NLDS

The Nationals are officially Gucci... The Sabermetrics came out, and they have a 100% chance of making the [NLDS]. I don't know how they can calculate that just yet, but I'm not very smart.

Time travel is impossible because if it were, people from the future would have already visited us by now

I am [giving up on time travel]. Because if time travel was possible, then people from the past would have already visited us... and people from the future would have come back and visited us.

I could be a professional kicker in the NFL with enough training

I honestly think I could be a professional kicker with enough training.

The Wisconsin Badgers will never win a national title in football or basketball

Wisconsin ever winning a national title in anything... Basketball and football, yeah. So that one, that chip failed the night [of] the Duke game [in 2015]. I actually said it... I was like, that's it. We're never coming back... It's never happening.

I have officially given up on the dream of ever being cool

My last one... just being cool... I'm never going to be cool... It's too much work to be cool, so I'm just gonna not be cool.

I am going to win the 50-50 raffle eventually

One dream I'm going to hold on to, winning the 50-50. I'm going to win that. Never let go.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the second-best fantasy receiver for 2017 as long as he stays off boats

At the moment, I have Beckham at two [in wide receiver rankings]... As long as he stays off boats... He saves it for the postseason, which we don't care about in fantasy.

Al Bundy is one of the all-time great fictional characters

Al Bundy's one of the all-time... I mean, Polk High, obviously. Four touchdowns. But one of the all-time great characters... Ed O'Neill, especially in that role... that character was amazing.

Fantasy football players should wait at least 24 hours after a real-life player's injury before publicly complaining about their fantasy team

I think at least 24 hours. I think at least 24 hours... I certainly don't think you should @ him.

Fantasy football leagues should not have a trade veto unless there is proof of collusion

Veto guy is on my Mount Rushmore. Guy who just vetoes everything. To me, unless you can prove collusion, there should be no veto in [fantasy football].

Isaiah Crowell will have a huge fantasy season in 2017

I actually like two Browns... Isaiah Crowell is going to have a huge year.

Mixed drinks and iced coffees are significantly worse if they don't have a straw

I love straws, and I don't care who knows it. When I drink a mixed drink, if I don't have a straw, it sucks. It's so lame... And I drink iced coffee year-round... and I always need [a straw].

The Floyd Mayweather vs. Conor McGregor fight will have one billion pay-per-view buys

Sal Pal said there's gonna be 1 billion pay-per-view buys... One billion. People even said, like, hey, Sal, I think you got your stats wrong. He's like, nope. One billion pay-per-view buys.

The sun is a total fraud and completely overrated.

Basically, what I've discovered is that the sun is overrated. Fraud. Hot fraud. Cold fraud. The sun is flat. Everybody knows it.

Laughter is a universal language that predates spoken word.

How is how does everyone have laugh and as like the universal, like we're having fun. ... You speak Portuguese, you speak, you know, whatever, Taiwanese or whatever, but you both laugh when you're having fun? ... I think laughter came before language, I believe.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

The 'breaking the seal' phenomenon is real and causes your bladder to refill faster.

What the fuck happens when you break the seal? Why do you then have to piss? When you have all the pee in your balls and then you break the seal and then your balls fill up with pee again really quickly, what's with breaking the seal?

I almost got a tattoo of Javier Baez on the back of my neck after seeing his slide against the Blue Jays.

Javi Baez had such a good slide for the Cubs to win an extra inning... In that time, I almost got myself an El Mago tattoo. ... Maybe on the back of my neck like his MLB tattoo.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.

Blake Bortles is a disappointment and won't be starting for the Jaguars by Week 8.

Blake Bortles is a fucking fantasy football and real life fantasy and real life football disappointment. ... He's not going to be starting by week eight. I predict week eight. No injury. Bye-bye.

The Bears signed Mike Glennon and Mark Sanchez specifically as a 'buffer' so they wouldn't have to sign Colin Kaepernick.

The Bears basically gave themselves a buffer against Colin Kaepernick. They're like, if we sign enough mediocre quarterbacks, no one can say, hey, the Bears should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

LeBron James is definitely going to the Lakers next year.

[Big Cat]: Where do you think [LeBron] is going? [PFT Commenter]: LA. [Michael Rapaport]: If you're a little pussy-ass bitch, you go to LA. ... Lakers. It's already set up.

James Harden and Chris Paul will not be able to get along on the Rockets because there is only one ball.

There's only one ball. No, only one ball. Only one ball. It's not going to work. No. No, only one ball. They're not winning shit. No. Houston ain't winning shit.

The Ryan brothers are 'football guys' for life, even when they aren't coached.

You don't lose your football guy-ness. ... If anything, it actually enhances their football guy-ness because they're just going out there drinking, getting in fights, wearing jerseys. ... When a football guy loses football, he has basically a slow mental breakdown.

Mike Tomlin is not a true 'Football Guy' because he is always looking for the camera.

I actually disagree on Mike Tomlin. I do not think Mike Tomlin is a football guy. Because Mike Tomlin always knows where the camera is. He always is looking for the camera, doing pointing shit. That's not a football guy.

Major League Baseball should arm umpires with tasers to defend themselves against players.

What if we just gave tasers to umps? Oh my god. Yes, let's arm umpires. Yes. I'm 100% on board with arming umpires. ... We need to start arming them so they can defend themselves.

Owners and GMs should use PMT as a mouthpiece for illegal NBA tampering.

If you want to tamper, tamper through us. We'll be your mouthpiece. We'll tamper away. ... I heard the Lakers really want Paul George. Wink, wink.

LeBron James is 100% leaving Cleveland after this season

Chris Sheridan said... NBA Source said today... this will be [LeBron James's] final season in Cleveland. He is 100% leaving. Relationship with owners beyond repair.

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone. It just helps your body repair itself. Anything that shocks your central nervous system causes your body to change.

IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow breasts

It is a proven fact that IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow tits.

Pardon My Take is fueling the record growth of the American economy and stock market

Since we started this podcast, the stock market has never been higher in the history of the United States. So put two and two together.

Consuming social media prevents people from having original thoughts

I actually think we're fucked. ... I talk about it personally... I'm going to go off of social media and I'm going to use this [Motorola] Razr for hopefully two months. That's my goal because I have not had an original thought in more than a year.

Sports team message board commenters often know more about their teams than the actual media

When I go on Around the Horn, who knows more about the team than the people commenting on the message boards? ... I actually do get all of my content from a message board to begin with.

PFT Commenter is exactly 5 feet, 9 inches tall

I've been very clear on that. I'm 5'9". 5'9".

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

Ralphie the Buffalo is actually a female

People forget Ralphie's actually a woman. I knew I was right. Ralphie has been called one of the best live mascots in sports, and she is often erroneously labeled male.

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

The Stanford Tree is a top-tier college mascot because it promotes environmentalism

I've got the Stanford tree. ... What, are you anti-green? Are you pro-global warming? Without trees, you would die. You'd suffocate. So you should be on your knees thanking the Stanford tree every day.

Artie the Fighting Artichoke is one of the best mascots in college sports

My number one is Artie, the Fighting Artichoke. Down in Scottsdale Community College. ... It's a great mascot. ... No brainer.

Jim Harbaugh doesn't actually know his own roster when he wakes up every morning

I actually don't think that Jim Harbaugh knows what his roster is when he wakes up every morning. It's like Groundhog Day. Jim Harbaugh lives his life like a football Bill Murray.

The NFL is headed for a virtual certainty of a work stoppage in four years

The actual words were the work stoppage is almost a virtual certainty. Giving me the scary is just thinking about no NFL.

Derek Jeter is only removing the Marlins sculpture because removing statues is currently trendy

Derek Jeter says he's going to take down that stupid fucking fish monument in center field when he buys the Marlins. ... This is classic Jeter. He's just getting in when taking down statues is fab. He's just like, I'm going to get in on this.

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame. Well, you know what an eclipse is? It's a fucking shadow.