Takes

Georgia is a year away from being a serious contender

I think Georgia's like a year away. Because Georgia... they're still a little bit young in the trenches offensively. Defensively, they're really, really good. But I think their offense is about a year away up front.

Stanford is a surprise playoff contender for 2017

Watch out for Stanford... Bryce Love is a kid who is really, really talented... Stanford is a team that nobody's really talking about right now... they could be sitting there at 10 wins, 11 wins near season's end and on the cusp of a potential playoff berth.

Under 4.5 SEC teams will finish in the AP Top 10

Over, under, four and a half [SEC] teams in the top 10 at the end of the season? I'm going to lean towards the under... I'm going to jump wholeheartedly on the under four and a half teams in the top ten.

The New York Jets will win fewer than four games

Are you on board there? Under four [wins for the Jets]? Agreed.

The NCAA will investigate LaMelo Ball for selling shoes

Yes, this is going to pique their [NCAA] interest a little. If you take any dollar out of the NCAA's pockets, they will come down on you. So yes, I think the NCAA will look into this.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Being young is a performance-enhancing drug for partying

Being younger is like a PED for partying. If you meet someone who's under 25 years old, cross the street. Yes, go far away.

Matthew Stafford is officially on the hot seat after signing his new contract

I love when a quarterback gets a new deal because they are officially, speaking of hot seat cool throne, they are officially on the hot seat because now it's joke season on Matthew Stafford. We saw it with Joe Flacco. We saw it with Jay Cutler. Matt Stafford has probably a year... and every interception he throws comes a tweet, wow, $86 million for this?

Matthew Stafford is the best of the 'sucky' quarterbacks

I actually always say Matt Stafford, you know my two categories of quarterbacks. It's guys who can win you a Super Bowl and then guys who suck. And Matt Stafford is the best sucky quarterback.

The Lions will never win a Super Bowl with Matthew Stafford as their quarterback

I think it's the smart thing to do [signing Stafford], but I also don't think the Lions are going to win a Super Bowl with Matt Stafford. The NFL is so weird like this. You can make a decision that's the right decision while also still knowing ultimately it's not a good thing.

Matthew Stafford will lead the Lions to at least one NFC Championship game in the next four years

Matt Stafford over under NFC Championship appearances in the next four years on his contract, 0.5? Over. Really? Yeah, over. Wow. So then that would be a success in my mind.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

Joel Osteen only opened his church to hurricane victims because of social media backlash

And it wouldn't have happened [Joel Osteen opening his church] without the backlash. So it did help... If you are a member of the clergy, and you are fabulously, fabulously rich, there's something that feels off about that.

Sam Darnold will be the best quarterback USC has ever had

He'll be the best quarterback we've ever had there [USC]. I'm serious... I think he's going to be the best college and NFL quarterback USC's ever had.

Josh Rosen is built for the NFL and will save Jim Mora's job

I love [Josh Rosen] because not only does he think he is good, but he thinks it and he knows it. I think he's kind of set up for the NFL. He's got to play well to save some jobs like Jim Mora's job.

Mason Rudolph will be a first-round NFL draft pick

I think right now of the sneaky quarterbacks who are going to be into the first round by the time the season ends, I think Mason Rudolph is going to be a guy that we look at and say, ah, okay, with the 16th pick of the draft, somebody takes Mason Rudolph.

The Texas Longhorns are not a nine-win team yet and are at least a year away from contending

I don't think they're [Texas] a nine-win team this year. I think they're about a year away... I don't think they're a top-ten team. They may be a little bit overrated.

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

Mitch Trubisky is already a better quarterback than Mike Glennon

In truth, you guys damn well know Mitch Trubisky's a better quarterback than Mike Glennon. We know that.

Dwayne Wade and LeBron James are definitely planning a team-up because they are 'going' to dinner

I would say that going to dinner is more intimate than meeting for dinner. Because going to dinner implies that you're going there... Every time you go to dinner, you have to meet somebody for dinner. But every time you meet for dinner, you're not necessarily going to dinner together. I think the act of going is way, way more intimate than just meeting... Not just friends. You don't just go to dinner.

Jay Cutler will get injured within two months of starting for the Dolphins

I guess we're going to have to wait at least another two months until Jay gets hurt... So two months and he's going to get hurt.

Floyd Mayweather was in complete control for every second of the Conor McGregor fight

In terms of actually looking back and thinking about it, there was not one second that [Mayweather] wasn't in complete control. Like Connor threw some big punches, but Floyd knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. He's like, I'll play defense for a few rounds, and then he's going to get gassed, which he did, and he knocked him out.

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

Avoid betting on big favorites early in the college football and NFL seasons

Stay away from the big favorites. Either take the points or don't bet the game... Don't buy all the hype about the big favorites all the time.

Florida State is a good bet to cover the spread against Alabama in Week 1

Alabama is going to go about a seven on Florida State. The Noles, pretty good. Pretty good football team. Quarterback coming back. You might want to take a flyer with the points on something like that.

LSU's new live tiger mascot will lead the team to a top-tier offensive season

I think this tiger is going to be the good luck charm for LSU. I think they're finally going to realize how to run an offense down there, and it's only going to be because of their new mascot.

Ugga is the greatest mascot in college football

Mike might be at the very top with that first picture I was looking at last week. But, you know, my favorite mascot, my favorite, is my guy, Ugga... Listen, my favorite mascot of all time was Ugga.

I will not vote for Sam Darnold for the Heisman if USC changes the name of their horse Traveler

I will not vote for [Sam] Darnold if they change the name of that horse... I got to vote. If they mess around with my horse, I'm off him. I won't vote.

The Cleveland Browns are a great betting value early in the 2017 season

The Cleveland Browns [is my favorite NFL bet]. No, you know why? They're going to get a lot of points. They're an awful team. I'm going to get double-digit points. No one's going to be betting on them. So I'm going to take them.

Brock Osweiler being benched is a win because it keeps him off the Browns jersey of failure

His name is not going to be on that Browns jersey that has the list of every single quarterback that they've had for the last 20 years. Because once your name goes up there, it's up there forever. Immortalized. And it's embarrassing. And Osweiler would be like the perfect punchline on that thing.

LeBron James is only defending jersey burning to protect his future self for when he leaves Cleveland again

LeBron's statements are right. I'm always a players guy. The owners don't look out for the players. But this, to me, is classic LeBron looking out for future LeBron. Because he knows he's going to leave.

It is only socially acceptable to burn LeBron James' jersey

Any player that is a traitor to the town that he was born in and then leaves twice. That's fair. So LeBron James. It is now socially acceptable only to burn LeBron James' jersey.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

The Mayweather-McGregor fight is a lifeline for the sport of boxing

I think boxing, in some respect, should be thankful to Conor McGregor because boxing hasn't been the biggest story in sports, certainly since Mayweather Pacquiao. ... So I think in some respects, this is a lifeline for boxing.

The sport of boxing will implode if Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather

The sport is going to implode if Conor McGregor beats maybe the best pound-for-pound fighter of all time. So you're saying maybe it's time for the panic button for the sport of boxing.

Jon Jones' drug test failure for steroids is likely indefensible if he remains silent

If you have any sort of defense ... when guys pop ... especially for an anabolic steroid that allegedly is ingested orally ... you're screaming from the rooftops, telling everybody you're innocent. ... instead of trying to provide answers or some sort of statement, we're not hearing much from Jon Jones.

Floyd Mayweather will beat Conor McGregor by decision

I see some betting value on Floyd Mayweather at plus 230 by decision ... I feel pretty convicted that Floyd's not going to knock Conor McGregor out.

Conor McGregor has a legitimate puncher's chance in the first two rounds

I told Floyd these first two rounds are dangerous because [McGregor] is a grappler and he's used to close in fighting. And if he throws those bombs ... it's hard enough to knock anybody out. After that, once Floyd figures out the routine, then it should be a pretty simple fight.

Floyd Mayweather doesn't have one-shot knockout power, but will win via cumulative damage

Power, I don't think so. You know, but I think through damage. Creating damage, I think is a big factor.

Madison Square Garden is the best venue for fights over Las Vegas

Vegas has so many great fights, but, man, there ain't nothing like the Garden, brother. [It is the Mecca].

You should bet the over on the Hamilton Tiger-Cats because June Jones is taking over

June Jones should be wearing the lei. ... Bet some overs on Hamilton right now.

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

The architect of the condos Ryen Russillo was arrested at is on the hook for his arrest because they all look identical

I got a tweet that said, 'I have stayed at the same condos that Ryen got arrested at, and they all look exactly alike.' Good enough for me. So the architect is on the hook for this one, and the people who woke him up from his nap.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Celtics fans have no right to complain about trading draft picks for Kyrie Irving

I don't understand Celtics fans that have been bitching and moaning about Danny Ainge not trading picks... and then when he does trade it, being like, well, we should have held on to that pick. Because you just got a guy who is [a] top five scorer in the NBA, a guy who can score in the finals of the NBA finals.

The Kyrie Irving trade is a huge win for the Celtics because they now have a core of Gordon Hayward, Al Horford, and Kyrie Irving

I think this is a great trade. People said that Danny Ainge couldn't get free agents to Boston. Now they have Horford, Kyrie, and Gordon Hayward.