Takes

NFL Sundays feel like they are hitting the air brakes when the schedule drops from eight early games to only three late games

With the postponement of the Buccaneers-Dolphins game, we now have eight games early... and three games in the 4 o'clock Eastern hour, and it just feels like you're hitting the air brakes. It just feels like you're going from, you know, 100 to school zone.

Andy Reid ordering three steaks at once is a total alpha move

Jeffrey Lurie said the first time he went out to dinner with Andy Reid, Andy Reid ordered three steaks at once. Such an alpha move. King's Stay Kings. That is an alpha move. Three steaks, one for every quarter that Andy coaches.

American office life is just a competition to see who can sit at their desk for the longest

Basically, office life in America is just people competing to see who can just sit at their desk for the longest.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

Millennials have ruined the tradition of cheating in baseball by using computers instead of 'boys will be boys' methods

Love that baseball still has the boys will be boys unwritten rule that you can cheat otherwise. Just don't use computers. Millennials have ruined cheating in baseball. That's what I'm taking out of the story.

The Red Sox Apple Watch scandal is good for baseball because it fuels the Yankees rivalry

Baseball needs rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees has been simmering. This kind of brings it up a notch.

The US Men's National Team should barely qualify for the World Cup so they have to play an extra elimination game against New Zealand

I hope that they barely qualify and that they have to play an extra elimination game. I am really looking forward to that extra elimination game. [I] just want to see them play New Zealand so I can do an accent.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Les Miles will replace Magic Johnson as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job. ... [Les] is giving strict play-by-play of the game. It's like Norm MacDonald doing golf tournament updates.

The Baylor football program should be past the Art Briles scandal because they 'cleaned house'

I guess I thought we were past the whole Art Briles kind of... The rape scandal, I feel like when you clean house, aren't you past, like, yeah, it's a horrible thing that happened, but they cleaned everybody out.

Baylor should blow up the Robert Griffin III statue to move past their scandals

There's a statue of Robert Griffin outside the stadium. I think that thing needs to come down like that Saddam statue in Baghdad. Blow it up.

Bob Stoops quit on the Oklahoma football team

I don't know Bob Stoops. He left. He quit on the team.

Greg Schiano will be recruited away from Ohio State to be a head coach in the next year or two

Schiano's going to be gone in a year or two. He's going to be recruited away and become a head coach, especially if Ohio State's defense has the success that they're projecting.

The Vontaze Burfict preseason hit was clean football, not a suspension-worthy hit

It wasn't really head-to-head. ... You come across the middle, that's my zone. You don't come across the middle and you get your head taken off. That's like when football was football.

I would come out of retirement to play for the Patriots for $10 million

There's not much I wouldn't do for 10 million dollars.

The Super Bowl will feature the Patriots against either the Falcons or the Packers

I'm going Patriots on the AFC. They will play—they're going to play either the Falcons or the Packers.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Roger Federer will beat Rafael Nadal at the US Open

I'm going to go Federer.

The band Toto is responsible for more deaths than Hitler because 'blessing the rains' caused African hurricanes

I was going to say they all form, or the Atlantic ones do, they form right off the west coast of Africa, and it's those assholes from that band Toto when they blessed the rains over there. They just turned all the rains in Africa into hurricanes. Toto the band is responsible for killing more people than Hitler.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

Texas can never lose to Maryland in football

[Texas], you can't lose to Maryland in football. No, you can't do it. You can't.

Chip Kelly is house shopping in College Station to replace Kevin Sumlin

The fire of the hot seat got lit under Kevin Sumlin. So now Chip Kelly's driving his General Lee down to College Station. He's ready to go. He's house shopping. Rumor is his wife... no, no chance. Chip Kelly's married. His girlfriend's football. Chip Kelly's made up pretend girlfriend is now working with a realtor in College Station.

College football teams should never actually schedule Alabama; just have your fan base chant 'we want Bama' but don't play them

Don't schedule Alabama. Just have your fan base chant, we want Bama, but don't actually play Bama... Beating the best is way overrated. As a Wisconsin fan, it's way more fun to just beat Purdue and Iowa every year and then lose to Ohio State in the Big Ten championship... [sneaking] in the back door and then have everybody say, hey, you are the best... It's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

The Who is the greatest rock and roll band in the world and 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album ever

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.

Donald Trump has slept with over 3,000 women

Donald Trump is banging 15 to 20 women a week... in his 20s and 30s, he had as many women as Hugh Hefner... I put the overrun with 3,000 women. He's fucked. No issue about it. And I'd say I'd go over.

The Giants will beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl this year

I think the Giants are going to have an amazing year. I got the Giants playing the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I got the Giants winning the Super Bowl...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will make the playoffs and make a lot of noise this year

I think Tampa Bay is going to be a great bet this year. I think Tampa Bay is a phenomenal team. I think Tampa Bay is going to make the playoffs, and they're going to make a lot of noise. I love their defense. I love their offense. I love the quarterback [Jameis Winston].

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback

Joe Flacco... he does not stink. I think he's amazing. I put him as elite. You give him the right team, he wins the Super Bowl. He won the Super Bowl.

The Bears will go 4-12 and be horrific

I think [the Bears] are going to be horrific. I think they go four and 12.

Jason Pierre-Paul will be the Super Bowl MVP

I think that JPP comes back. I think [Jason Pierre-Paul] will win the MVP in the Super Bowl. He's the Super Bowl MVP. You heard it here now.

The New York Jets will win 4 games because no one can run against them

I say the Jets, I put the Jets at 4-12. I mean, they have the worst offense in football, but their defensive front four is still amazing... Teams that cannot pass can never beat the Jets. Jets will murder them... but you will be able to throw over the top. That's how you beat the Jets.

You should spend your money on women instead of losing it gambling

Don't be a sucker. Gambling's for losers. Do anything else besides gamble. Do anything else. Spend your money on women. Spend your money on making yourself better. Gambling's for losers. You're never going to win. Ever, ever, ever.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

Hillary Clinton and her team are the worst losers of all time

It is official that Hillary [Clinton] and her little orb of weirdos that love to drone attack people and give Wall Street speeches are the worst losers of all time... They literally cannot give it up and they cannot... get it through their head that hey, maybe people just don't fucking like you.

Fall starts when August ends

This is what I consider to be the start of fall. I'm a big September 21st truther. I think that fall starts when August ends.

Ohio State has a 0% chance of losing to Indiana

I said, nope, I'm just going to say it on the show. There's a 0% chance Ohio State loses this game [to Indiana]. So now if it happens, it'll be funny.

Nick Saban would score 100 points on Lane Kiffin if they played

He's [Saban] not playing against Lane Kiffin. So make that 10-1. Saban would probably go like, he'd put up a 100 burger.

NFL players should lose their Twitter checkmark if they get cut

They cut him before it was over, but he gets to keep the jersey picture, but I say that you should lose your checkmark. The NFL's a checkmark league.

Tiger Woods should only play par-3 courses to save his back

He needs to revamp his whole game a little bit because once he starts getting above a five iron is when his spinal column collapses like a termite mound. So he needs to just go to par three courses.

Dan Gilbert and the Cavaliers fleeced Danny Ainge and the Celtics in the Kyrie Irving trade

Dan Gilbert fleeced Danny Ainge. No. They [Cavaliers] fleece themselves. Congratulations. I was about to say, the world is off its axis if Dan Gilbert's smarter than Danny Ainge.

LeBron James is the biggest dickhead to play with of all time

Basically saying LeBron James is the biggest dickhead to play with of all time. So [Kyrie] can't maximize himself in Cleveland, right?

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

Nick Saban smiles for less than two minutes after winning a national championship

Oh, fellas, you said two minutes. I'd take the under. I really would. That's a lock of the decade. Because even after we won the national championship, in the locker room, not kidding, we have the crystal ball in hand... He went into the locker room and said, 'hey, guys, great job... you know that's not how we play in the second half.'

Alabama would have lost by 40 points to Texas in 2010 if Colt McCoy didn't get hurt

I think we would have lost by at least 40. It's in large part, too, because if you guys have been to the Rose Bowl in January, it's that humidity. It's the humidity in the air that gets you, and I'm just not sure we were conditioned well enough to hang if Colt didn't get hurt.

I was carried by my defense while playing quarterback at Alabama

The national championship ring still meant something because I knew that I was carried by my defense, so just being a good teammate was a big part of what I wanted to do that year.

The quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse

It feels like the quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse in some ways, and these guys are somehow getting more money than ever.

Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson will be part of a 'sneaky good' QB class

I have a feeling this year's class... Pat Mahomes, Mitch Trubisky, Deshaun Watson, and even DeShone Kizer, all four have a chance to be sneaky good, I think, in the NFL. So maybe that trend's reversing back a little bit.

Auburn is the team to beat in the SEC if Alabama falters

If Alabama does not win the SEC title, what team does? Auburn. This guy, Jared Stidham, is the real deal by all accounts... Auburn offensively is going to be significantly improved.