Takes

J.J. Watt will catch at least two touchdowns against the Bengals

My prediction is J.J. Watt scores two touchdowns because the Texans have three tight ends that all have concussions. So J.J. Watt's going to catch some balls tonight.

The Saints will cover the spread (+7) against the Patriots

I have the New Orleans Saints covering at plus seven against the New England Patriots. That's a lot of points to give up at home in the Bayou.

The Bears will cover the spread (+7) against the Buccaneers in the Mike Glennon revenge game

My pick is the Chicago Bears, plus seven. The Mike Glennon revenge game. He's going to Tampa Bay. How can you not?

I want to win championships on the blind PGA Tour

I want to see how far I can go with playing golf, and I definitely want to try to continue to pursue that goal. And I want to—there's a blind, actually, like sort of a blind PGA, so I want to go win some championships on that.

USC football is officially back.

USC is back. Is USC back? USC is back. [Jake Olson]: USC is back.

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

The extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.

You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].

Condom manufacturers should put porn on the packaging as a warning of what might happen if they are used correctly.

They should just put porn on condoms. If you buy this, chances are you might be careful. You might end up having great sex. Right.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes.'

First of all, my friend and Uncle Chaps would have my back on this. A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... Pipes are pipes. ... I went into the kitchen. I closed the door. And I said, 'Pete, watch the door for me. I'm going to piss real quick.' ... Just guy stuff. It's guys being dudes. ... I actually thought that this is the only place in the world that would have my back, and I feel very violated by you.

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.

Tom Coughlin might actually be dead and operating on reflex muscles

I think Tom Coughlin has been dead for years, actually. ... After you die, your body—your muscles keep twitching. ... He's just been walking around berating players for not being on time to practice.

Telescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer

So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

Having an appendix is like having a 'ticking week of vacation' stored inside your body.

What do appendixes do? You just take them out. You get out of work for a week. It's a built-in excuse to just duck all responsibilities. In fact, I've got a ticking week of vacation left inside my body right now.

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

The 'TV-ification' of Rex Ryan is ruining what makes him a great media personality

This is the TV-ification of Rex Ryan. I don't like it at all. I don't know if he was trying to impress Beth [Mowens] up there or what the deal was, but he wasn't angry, surly, aggressive Rex. I like my Ryan Brothers stories like tall tales... better than seeing them with a suit on trying to stumble their way through a telecast.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

The Saints should clean house and move on from Sean Payton and Drew Brees

The Saints need to just clean house, I think. I think it's time. You know what I mean? It's enough watching Drew Brees and Sean Payton be 7-9 and keep thinking, hey, why isn't Drew Brees thrown into Marcus Colson more? That's what I think every single game that I watch the Saints. I'm like, just move on. It's over.

Confirmed: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I've heard the same rumor as you [Hank]... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore. But this is a major Samson and Delilah case here. If he loses his mullet, he loses power.

Robert Griffin III is going to dislocate his patella playing pickup basketball

RG3 was videotaped in a gym... playing against 40-year-old white dudes and just draining buckets all over them. So that can only mean that a Robert Griffin patellar dislocation is right around the corner.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year... Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Dale Jr. is the undisputed face of NASCAR

Dale Jr. is the face of NASCAR. Well, I mean, that would be Dale Jr. Oh, but he's retiring. Yeah, but he's definitely the face of NASCAR.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

The 'anti-Kaepernick' protesters are the main reason for the NFL's Week 1 ratings dip

I'm going to go with the protesters who are protesting Colin Kaepernick not being in the NFL as being the biggest reason why [ratings] are down this week. And that's because the New England Patriots played in primetime on week one.

Tom Coughlin has already successfully changed the culture for the Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are now over .500 for the first time in six years... That is a culture change. That is a shift. Tom Coughlin changed the entire mentality... People love working there. They're on tape literally saying they love to work there.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world

And two, gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world, and no one should ever do it because it's god-awful.

TJ Watt is currently the man carrying the torch for the Watt family

I think we need to do a torch update just on the Watt family. Who is carrying the torch? Whose man is carrying the torch in the Watt family right now? Because I think it's TJ.

Week 2 in the NFL is a must-win for 0-1 teams because 95% of playoff teams avoid 0-2

So 95% of playoff teams avoid going 0-2. So if you do the math, that makes week two a must win.

The Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit

The other big takeaway that I had was that the Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit. ... I don't know where he [Tom Cable] finds the offensive lineman that he has, but they all suck. They always will suck.

It wouldn't be the worst thing if Jared Goff or Blake Bortles got injured after a good Week 1

I love Jared Goff and Blake Bortles. I do not want them to get injured, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if they did get injured after a really good week one. ... [Bortles] just injured his way into another $55 million contract.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

I hate Ohio State

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? ... I hate Ohio State.

Oklahoma will beat Ohio State 28-21

I'm going to say 28-21 Oklahoma [over Ohio State]. ... It's going to suck, but I got to be confident, you know. You got to support your squad.

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Ben Roethlisberger owns Cleveland's stadium as a quarterback

Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest quarterback in Cleveland Browns Stadium history, which opened in 1999. more wins than any Browns quarterback. So he's got 11, and that officially passes Derek Anderson, who had 10.

The New England Patriots are dead (but they're still going to win the division)

The New England Patriots are dead. Actually, they're still going to win the division, but it's times like this I thank my lucky stars I'm not a New England Patriots fan.

Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick

Thin Andy Reid—maybe all the fat was the dumb stuff that made him call timeouts at inopportune times. Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick. Two and one. The Chiefs are two and one under Andy Reid against the Patriots.

Patrick Mahomes' presence has taught Alex Smith how to throw the long ball

Alex Smith, out of nowhere, showed that he can throw that long ball tonight. Pat Mahomes is like when you have an old male dog that has always pissed putting its hips down at the ground... and when you bring a new pup in that lifts its leg on something, your old dog's like, holy shit, that looks cool. Mahomes is a young pup that's taught Alex Smith to lift his leg.

Alex Smith will have another 12 years in the NFL as a career backup and will usurp Josh McCown

That guy [Alex Smith] is going to have another, like, 12 years as a backup. That guy is going to be the—he's going to be a backup on, like, four more teams after he gets demoted from the team. He's going to usurp Josh McCown for career backup guy.

The Patriots will finish 12-4 or 11-5 and win the AFC East

I'm going to be honest. I'm going to go out on a limb. I'm going to say the Pats will be 12-4 or 11-5 and win the division.

Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham would be the pinnacle of celebrity couples

I can't think of a better celebrity couple than Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham. That's it right there. That's the pinnacle.

The DirecTV Red Zone channel is the original and Scott Hanson is a copycat

We came first, so this one should go first. Dibs. Shotgun. Scott's a copycat. We invented the thing. Well, I mean, this is our 13th season. You know? We're the original.

The 3 to 4 p.m. hour is the greatest single hour in sports television

I call it the greatest single hour in sports television. It's the witching hour... I promise I will refer to it either as the witching hour or the golden hour at some point this season. Just for you guys.

The NFL is like Mario Kart because every game somehow comes down to the end

The NFL is like Mario Kart. Every game somehow comes down to the end. It's crazy.