Takes

The sun is actually cold.

Ask [Kyrie Irving], if the sun is hot, how come outer space is cold? Because we think that the sun is actually cold... Closer you get to the sun, the colder it gets... Further you go down in the earth, hotter.

Athletes shouldn't retire just because they aren't at an MVP level anymore; as long as they love competing, they should keep playing.

If you're still doing what you love, and I'll tell you from our perspective, only fans can put expectations on you... My son gets to come to the game and watch me and I get to play in front of 30,000 people. You should never be sad. Be happy about the moments that you have and then enjoy what you can have moving forward.

If LeBron James was truly as good as Michael Jordan, he would have punched Matthew Dellavedova in the face during practice for hustling too hard.

If LeBron was as good as MJ, LeBron would have punched [Delly] in the face at some point during practice... for hustling too hard and trying to be playing press defense.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT, followed by LeBron, Kareem, Tim Duncan, and Magic Johnson

I'll go MJ 1. I'll go LeBron 2—still counting, though... Then at three, I would go Kareem. Four, I would go probably Tim. Then five, I would go Magic. Magic and Kobe are really, really close.

Magic Johnson is the face of the Lakers and the best Laker of all time over Kobe Bryant

I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers. I think from a personality standpoint and just generationally, like Kobe was amazing what he was able to do... but I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers.

I want to play one more NBA season after the 2017-18 season

God willing, body willing, I would like to play one more season after this one coming up.

Aaron Hernandez's CTE was probably caused by smoking weed, not football

When you say he has CTE and everyone says, well, because he played football... He smoked a lot of weed... Chronic. What does the C stand for in CTE? Chronic. Chronic. If you look up the symptoms of CTE, it's forgetfulness, probably inappropriate laughter... paranoia. I mean, I'm just connecting the dots here.

Listening to Tim Tebow speak for years is enough to fuck up a guy's brain

What about the fact that he [Hernandez] had to listen to Tim Tebow speak for like a couple years? That's got to fuck up a guy's brain, let's just say. Maybe start figuring out where this could come from, and we'll buy into this whole CTE stuff that you're selling us.

The NFL's 'Heads Up' football program has successfully prevented players from committing murder.

Roger Goodell has already addressed this issue... by implementing heads-up football... And since the implementation of the Heads Up football program, there have been zero players arrested for murder. So the problem's in the rear view mirror.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

The 'eyeball test' remains a reliable way to judge a bad team regardless of what sabermetrics say.

The eyeball test has become a rare test in our society... It still works. [The Giants] just stink out loud. You don't need to tell me that they suck. I use my eyes.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Kevin Durant is an internet troll and a disturbed individual

[Kevin Durant] is an internet troll, but I think more important than that, he is a disturbed individual. And this most recent spur of activity that he's been doing from getting caught responding to himself to his apologies that he's been issuing... I've swung 360 degrees.

Kevin Durant is the best writer of anyone who tweets about the NBA

KD is actually probably the best writer of anybody that tweets about the NBA.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Baylor coach Matt Rhule will be fired by the end of the season and replaced by Lane Kiffin

At the end of the season, this guy [Matt Rhule] gets fired... It's Lane Kiffin's destiny to take over the Baylor program.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

LeBron James is the hardest working player I have ever been around

LeBron is the hardest working guy that I've ever been around. And I've played with Dirk, Tim Duncan, Steph Curry, Jason Kidd... the amount of time that he takes on his body... i'm just saying when I look at how hard the guy works, then I think a lot of that has to do with why he has avoided injuries.

LeBron James is the best player of our generation

LeBron to me is the best player of our generation. LeBron is the best player that I've ever played against so over my 17 years in this league. But it's weird because he is the best player I've ever played with. I played with Tim Duncan, I played with Jason Kidd... I've seen Tim do some absurd shit. Jay Kidd I got to see every day... but LeBron is the best.

The Cleveland-Golden State rivalry is the only time NBA fans actually feel vulnerable

When Golden State shows up in our building, that is the first time all year that you're like... You can feel the anxiety of 20 something thousand people... to me, that's an energy that you only get in the NBA finals, like where you literally feel vulnerable for the first time in months.

Steph Curry's comments about the Cavs' locker room smelling like champagne were disrespectful

That's why Steph made those comments about, 'oh, I hope their locker room still smells like champagne.' He said that after they won the first championship and they beat Cleveland in game six. And it was kind of a shot. It's a little disrespectful to say that. I love Steph, I don't know if he meant it to be really disrespectful, but yeah, you say that, it's like, 'hey, it was a good win.'

NBA players are unfairly criticized for moving teams compared to teams trading players

Kairi [Kyrie], what Boston did to Isaiah [Thomas], you know, it's just a part of our job... and yes it personally connected and it hurts at times. But when players decide to leave in free agency, it's 'let's burn a jersey.' No, this guy we gave you... when KD decided to go and do what he wanted to do with Golden State... we aren't allowed to do it without being criticized. But team can trade the players. They can play chess with us as much as they want.

Jason Garrett is only the Cowboys coach because he never says no to Jerry Jones

I'm pretty sure that Jason Garrett is only in place because he doesn't say no to Jerry Jones. So Jerry Jones is actually calling all these plays. And Jason Garrett, he pets them after every game. He's like, 'Jimmy used to always talk back to me.'

Eli Manning's consecutive games streak only exists because he goes down as soon as anyone gets close to him

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life.

Week 3 is the week we officially find out which NFL teams are frauds

There's a lot of frauds. And week three is who we find out. That's when we know who the frauds are.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

The Giants will win Monday Night Football against the Lions by a score of 12-10

And the Giants, Eli's going to fucking throw the ball into the ground 100 times. And the Giants are going to win like 12 to 10.

America could deal with even more Giants primetime games

Permission to go there? And voice an unpopular opinion? I think that America could deal with more Giants primetime games. Love the Giants in primetime.

The discussion of Texas being 'back' means the program is officially back

Texas football, just the discussion of it being back, means it's back. Because that's what Texas football has become. It's like Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan... certain programs where if they have one good game [we ask] is Florida back? Tennessee... Miami.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

Kyle Shanahan is the most likely coach to be the first one ejected under new NFL rules

I think a sneaky one is Kyle Shanahan because, one, he's a dick. Number two, he's got that entitlement thing, or at least the refs will think he's got that entitlement thing. So if he says one thing that crosses the line, they'll be like, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Jerry Jones is intentionally stalling Roger Goodell's contract to force him out by 2019

And there are some who think that what he's really trying to do is drive such a hard bargain with Roger Goodell that Goodell just eventually says, screw it, I'm out of here when my contract expires in 2019.

Jerry Jones is not as powerful among NFL owners as the media portrays

People think that Jerry Jones is very powerful, and I guess he is if you focus on different groups, like as it relates to the media... but as it relates to the other owners, I don't think he's as powerful as people think he is. And I think it's getting to a point where people just tune him out.

The Bears should start Mitch Trubisky now because the season is already lost

At some point, you just kind of say, screw it. You know, this season is lost, so let's just treat it like an extended preseason for next season.

Many NFL agents care more about their fees than the long-term health of their clients

I think a lot of agents, they just care about what their fee is going to be. They don't care about whether or not the guy is going to get jacked up playing for that team. All they care about is getting the maximum fee and having the maximum contract they can parade around out there.

The Bengals are the most likely 0-2 team to turn it around and make the playoffs

Out of those, I would say the Bengals... If they get Kaepernick, then put the Bengals in.

Jason Witten will retire after the 2017 season

I'm amazed [Witten] is still playing. But I have a feeling this year's it for him.

Tom Brady says he'll play until 45 to avoid a public farewell tour

I think he never wants his last year to be known as his last year. I don't think he ever wants to have a Derek Jeter farewell tour... by keeping that stake as far out into the future as possible, he'll never be in a season that anyone would say this is his last year.

LA fans will flock to Las Vegas to see the Raiders instead of supporting the Rams or Chargers

The Raiders are going to be closer than Oakland when they're in Las Vegas. And then they're really going to have a mess if all the people from Los Angeles are flocking to Vegas to see the Raiders play and not going to see the Rams or the Chargers.

Teddy Bridgewater will play for the Vikings before the 2017 season ends

I don't know what in the hell they're expecting at this point. So I think, yeah, we'll see Bridgewater before the end of the year on the field.

Sam Bradford is the first player who isn't 'injured', he is just always hurt

He's [Bradford] not injured. He he's just, injured all the time. He's just always hurt. Yeah, so then you come home after a day of darting and you're like, I'm not drunk. I'm fine... That's what Sam Bradford's knee is. It's the new normal.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

StatCast is a complete hoax and is likely just one guy making up numbers

StatCast is the fakest, fraudest thing ever... Every fucking time, it's just like a ball's hit hard. Oh, it was 119 exit velocity with an angle of 47... It's literally a guy—sitting somewhere probably in like Arizona it's Nate Silver... he's just watching games he's like okay that looked like a hard hit ball 108 miles an hour.

Bill O'Brien should be known as the 'QB Yeller' rather than the 'QB Whisperer.'

Bill O'Brien we have officially taken away his QB whisperer name. He is no longer the QB... how did he get that title? He was the QB yeller because he screamed at Tom Brady that one time and everyone was like 'wow this guy's not afraid to stand up to Tom Brady so he must be a good coach.'