Takes

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Driving under the influence on a Tuesday night is morally worse than doing it on a weekend

Is that really worse, to be driving under the influence on a Tuesday night? I think that it is, by the way.

Tiger Woods' low bar to be 'back' only requires him to swing a club once without pain

Tiger has the lowest bar to be quote-unquote back. All he has to do is swing one golf club once without keeling over in pain, and all the Tiger fanboys will come running and be like, Tiger at the Masters... red shirt.

Golf is only interesting when Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson are competing on Sunday

golf is a better sport when tiger's competing on sunday... the ratings were all down... we need Phil or Tiger. Basically, we're going to be saying that forever... I guess just like Spieth and Rory and those, they don't do it for me.

Getting kicked out of NFL practice for fighting is a veteran move to get the day off

Once you get past like year four in the NFL, your role in training camp is to just see how little training camp you can do. We call that the Brett Favre. [Kyle Long] got kicked out of practice because he got into a fight... it's a vet move. You throw a punch, get the day off.

The 'all sides' of the political discourse are simultaneously on the Hot Seat and the Cool Throne

My hot seat is all sides. All sides are on the hot seat right now. Got to hear all sides. All sides are being heard. All sides are being considered. My cool throne is also all sides. So when all sides are on the hot seat, that also means all sides are cool throne.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

The Mooch wearing women's sunglasses because they fit his face better is a power move

The Mooch also came out and said that he wears women's sunglasses because they fit his face nicely. So all you fuckers out there who haven't embraced wearing women's clothes if they make you look better, fuck off.

The 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak technically survives because the NBA was too cowardly to schedule them on TNT

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... Alternative facts, the Bulls really fucking suck, and they probably didn't want to put them on national television. But nonetheless, the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

A tucked-in t-shirt is the foundational element of 'dad fashion'

One that we missed that I should have said... just tucked in t-shirts. Just getting a t-shirt and tucking it in for no fucking reason.

I am the best defensive player of all time

No, I'm still number one. [Over Dellavedova]... Yeah, I think I was the best I've ever done it.

The 'back to the basket' center is dying out because coaches have stopped teaching the fundamentals

[The back to the basket center is going away] maybe because I believe the coaches are not teaching that much. I think it's about the principle. I don't think there's not a lot of coaches who are emphasizing on that game. Everybody wants to see how fast they can play and move the ball.

The 'Who wants to sex Mutombo' story is completely false

I have defended myself. I have splendid myself, and I continue to splendid myself. Nobody don't know where that story come from... That story is not true. And I always even ask Alonzo Mourning, where did you get it? He said, no, somebody told me too.

Big Ben's trainers should make him sit in a cold tub if his injuries actually required as much ice as he wears

Icing down after practice [Big Ben] had like five huge bags on him. I don't even think that was a real tape job... trainers did not do that because think about this way if you're so injured that you need like six bags of ice the trainers are going to make you sit down, right? You're going to be sitting your ass in a cold tub.

Big Ben is a hypochondriac who spends his time searching WebMD

I think it's time that we officially diagnosed Big Ben as being a hypochondriac. Big Ben, when he's not on the practice field studying the playbook, he's at home searching WebMD.

Coach K used his knee surgery as an alibi to recruit Marvin Bagley

Coach K went into surgery on Friday, and then boom, on Monday, the best recruit says, I'm going to Duke. Now, he went in surgery at Duke's hospitals, so is there a chance he just didn't go to the surgery, and that's the greatest alibi ever, and he was on a private jet greasing the wheels... for Bagley?

Jerry Jones will do something to embarrass Roger Goodell at the next owners' meeting

I like this because this means that Jerry Jones is going to do something to embarrass Roger Goodell at the owner's meeting. He's maybe going to lick his pizza. He's like, here you go... He pantses him. Just pantses him.

Ricky Fowler is on the hot seat because he hasn't won a major

Hot seat Ricky Fowler. Because he is now in the crew of guys who win majors, and he hasn't won a major.

The wind in Chicago will help Roberto Aguayo's accuracy by pushing the ball back to the uprights

He's so wildly inaccurate that the wind is actually going to push his balls back towards the uprights.

Darren McFadden will tear his hamstring immediately and disappoint fantasy owners

Darren McFadden looks like he's going to get a lot of carries for the Cowboys... And when I say a lot of carries, I mean a lot of carries in the first half of the first game. And then he's going to tear his hamstring. And everyone who drafted him is going to be really pissed off.

The NBA is rigged and a deep dive would reveal several fixed outcomes

My number four [30 for 30]... was just the NBA being rigged. I would like a whole deep dive. [I'd like to know] the frozen envelope. I'd like to know if [David] Stern actually suspended MJ for gambling... LeBron winning his first ring. I'd like to know that Lakers-Kings game [with Tim Donaghy].

LeBron James is addicted to HGH

The 30 for 30 on LeBron leading his team through subtweets and an addiction to HGH... I think he's proof positive of that.

The New England Patriots would be considered the biggest chokers of all time if not for opposing coaching collapses

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say [the Patriots] wouldn't be a dynasty. It would be fraud. Overrated.

I am five foot eight

[I am] five foot eight. That is definitely... [I'm] definitely not 5'6".

The Dez Bryant tape is never coming out

I don't think it's ever coming. So Jerry [Jones] did a good job of burying that one.

Bill Belichick is always coaching for his job

He's got to win this year or else. He's never been to back-to-back Super Bowls since 2005. Over 10 years. He's in trouble. Not consistency. He's in trouble... Yeah, he's always coaching for his job. Yeah, his job is to coach. That's his job. It's literally his job.

Clark Hunt is a powerful NFL owner that the public doesn't mention enough

Clark Hunt is a very powerful, influential owner that you don't hear mentioned along with the Maras and Krafts and Rooneys. Clark Hunt is the guy that I'm putting in there.

Jeff Fisher won't get another head coaching job but will be a consultant

I could see him being brought in as a consultant, working around a team. I don't know if he's going to get a head coach. I don't know about that.

Ryan Pace drafted Mitchell Trubisky at No. 2 specifically to extend his own job security as Bears GM

My theory is that Ryan Pace wants to extend his shelf life as a GM... if we draft a quarterback with No. 2, I now have a shelf life. John Fox might be gone, but I get another coach. [GMs] can say to the owner, look, we drafted this guy. We're developing this guy. We all deserve extra time.

The Jets will win more than 3.5 games this season

In that particular case, I think I will take the... oh, that's right around there. I'll take the over, barely.

The Jets will win fewer than 3.5 games this season

I'll take the under [3.5 wins] for a buck. Under three and a half wins, and I get to call you P-Boy five times.

Sean McVay is a star and will be in the NFL for a long time

Sean McVay, the rookie head coach, who's a star, who's going to have a long time in this league.

Bryce Harper injured himself because he was too focused on adjusting his hair for the cameras

The real culprit in this situation, I don't know if you saw, but as he was stepping on the base, Bryce Harper was more concerned with adjusting his hair. The hair flopped out, and he put his hand up there to try to straighten his hair out, look good for the cameras. Guess what? You should have been paying attention to your knee.

McGregor will pay goons to bet on Mayweather so he can lose the fight and still get paid

I think that McGregor is sending out a bunch of his goons to every single casino, putting money on Floyd Mayweather to win in the first round, and then he's going to come out and just shoot him, take him down, do like a double leg, beat the shit out of him, and then lose the fight, but he still gets paid like a few million dollars for winning.

Mitch Trubisky is the future of the Chicago Bears and a future Hall of Famer

I know it's a trap because I do think Mitch Trubisky is the future, but I'm a little ahead of myself. I'm thinking Canton, Ohio already. Yeah, I am one half of the first preseason game, but I don't care. He looked pretty good in that one half.

The Ravens will finish second in the AFC North, win a wild card game, and then lose a close game to the Patriots.

9-7-10 and six they're finishing in second place behind the Steelers it's going to be them and the Bengals battling for that wild card spot and I need Joe Flacco to win a wild card game against someone really shitty probably the Texans and then I need them to just barely lose against the Patriots lose by one touchdown but be up at half against the Patriots

Roger Goodell will not show up in Foxboro for Week 1

I still don't think he's going to show up. I've been on the record on this podcast saying it, that he won't show up.

Any amount of weed up to 50 pounds should be considered personal use for Zach Randolph

I think any good lawyer will be able to get him off because there's no amount of weed that's too much for Zach Randolph to have as personal use. ... You could have like 20, I'm going to say 20 to 50 pounds of marijuana, and that should have qualified under personal use for the two of those guys.

Kyrie Irving not talking to his teammates is an alpha move.

As the saying goes, it's actually an alpha move to just not look or talk to anybody. So when you see a [Kyrie]-lion... He doesn't even know the lions exist. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, he's just sitting there waiting for somebody to put some food in his mouth so he can take it to the basket and make an awkward layup.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Cheap things are cheap for a reason; never buy cheap furniture because it will break immediately.

My last one is cheap things are cheap for a reason. ... Maybe when you get a little money out of college, you're like, oh, I'll just buy these cheap clothes or I'll buy this cheap bed. It's going to break. If you buy the cheap furniture, it will break very quickly. So maybe buy the more expensive stuff. Trust me, cheap things are cheap for a reason.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

Offensive Line is my favorite position in football because of the boogers, dirt, and blood.

And that's my favorite position, too, is O-line. ... Well, because there's boogers and dirt and blood and people throwing people around. And all of a sudden they get nasty. ... even if practice is too boring, just go over and watch one-on-one O-line, D-line because it'll be all intense and it's like stock cars, except for they're the monster trucks crashing into each other.

You cannot coach an inaccurate quarterback to be accurate

The biggest falsehood I see in quarterbacks... There'll be some kid that is not accurate, okay? So he wasn't accurate in junior high, but all he's got to do is work on his accuracy. So they play him a quarterback in high school... then they'll recruit the hell out of him and get him to college. ... if three coaches ahead of you could make that guy accurate, what makes you think you can? And I've improved accuracy, but I've never taken a guy from inaccurate to accurate.

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.