Takes

Skip Bayless will eventually have a stroke and the only words he will be able to say are 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky'

Skip is going to wake up. He's going to have a stroke one day. And he's going to wake up and the only words he can say are going to be, 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky' and 'that field goal actually didn't go in.'

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

Bill Belichick intentionally messes up social media app names to mess with the media

This is the second time that Belichick has intentionally messed up two apps. I think that Belichick knows a lot more about social media than he's letting on... Belichick pretends to not know what Facebook is... he's just absolutely fucking with the media and just putting on this show like, oh, I don't know what any of this is. And meanwhile, he goes out behind the curtain. He's got five cell phones and he immediately checks all his players' accounts.

Aaron Rodgers is trying to 'cuck' Brett Favre's legacy

Uncoachable. He's now trying to cuck Brett Favre's legacy like a kid just running around back there. Brett Favre was the ultimate draw something up in the dirt. It's like the last thing that Brett Favre has. He was an old school gunslinger. Just go out there and I'll hit you. And now Aaron Rodgers is taking that from him.

LeBron James pretends he doesn't care about the Warriors, but he cares deeply

LeBron said, no, we're not rivals. He basically just said, I don't want to talk about that. I don't care about the Warriors. They can do their thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure LeBron made them put up a big poster right outside their locker room when they went to Cleveland earlier in the year, like the block and all that stuff. So classic LeBron. He's just pretending like he doesn't care, even though he cares deeply.

Carmelo Anthony's destiny is to be carried to a title by LeBron James

Melo's destiny is to have LeBron carry him to a title. That really is his destiny.

LeBron James knows he is a physical specimen but still flops to manipulate the game

It's so funny when LeBron has one of those flop moments, and it's almost like he thinks that we don't realize that he's 6'8 and 260 pounds of pure muscle. And this guy's like flopping. Draymond Green's smaller than him. And they collide. And LeBron basically can bulldoze over anyone in the NBA whenever he wants. But at this point, he's dead. And then he pops back up and he's okay.

Joel Embiid needs to earn his 'umlaut' like Yankee stripes

You earn your umlaut, Joel. Your Yankee stripes. That's right. So, here's a little tip, buddy. So you kind of dug yourself in a hole with this one. Maybe bury the hatchet. Go on [Mia Khalifa's] Amazon wish list and buy her... get her that Sibian she's been looking for.

I am pardoning the banning of the word 'dude' and bringing it back to the show

I am pardoning the banning of the word dude. So we're bringing back dude. Mr. Portnoy, you're out with saying we can't use dude anymore. Dude is back. It has officially been pardoned. Welcome back, dudes. It's back in a huge way.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

The Steelers must start fast and take the Foxborough crowd out of the game to beat the Patriots

For one, it's going to be tough. It's one of the toughest environments I had a chance of playing throughout my career... they need to jump out fast. I mean, the first quarter or two, take the win out of the crowd. Once that happens, now they're on the playing field.

I am officially unretired and would return to the NFL if a contender offered $10 million

If I had a good opportunity I want to play I want to play with a team that I have an opportunity to go win a championship because that's the only part of my career that is missing you know I'm missing the ring so if I had an opportunity to get a ring of course I go back in a second.

Toronto does not support the Bills like Buffalo does and is a boring environment

It felt like we were playing somewhere in Europe or somewhere in a foreign country. They didn't really support the team. I never saw a stadium so dead and so boring when a team played in Toronto. They just didn't support the Bills like they did when they played in Buffalo.

Los Angeles is not ready to support two NFL teams

I don't think L.A. is ready for two football teams. They're still trying to get their feet on their own with the Rams, even though they didn't play well this last year... they don't show up until halftime.

Tito Ortiz will beat Chael Sonnen in their Bellator 170 fight

I'm going with Tito. Only because it's his last one, and I just know how he feels about his legacy, and he doesn't want to go out and lose it. So by any means, he's going to do whatever he can to win this fight... I'm taking Tito at the end.

Tom Brady gamed his initial Patriots combine tests to make his late-career improvement look better

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

Roger Goodell is ducking Foxborough by choosing to attend the NFC Championship game

Goodell... We predicted it. This was a shocker, actually. I thought Goodell would think better of it and go to Foxborough and get spit on by our boss. But it turns out, I guess, he's Will Panson. He's afraid of some bad people from New England.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the game for the Cowboys because Dak Prescott was 'too efficient' and scored too early

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas... Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.

The Green Bay vs. Atlanta NFC Championship will be 'Mickey Mouse football' with no tackling

Green Bay against Atlanta is going to basically just be first one to 50. The Big 12 is going to be playing the NFC Championship game. I could not be more excited. It's Mickey Mouse football. Yeah, no tackling. It's flag football.

I am done with Brock Osweiler forever

I am seriously, though. I'm done with Brock Osweiler. I'm done with him forever. He's ruined football games for me, multiple football games for me this year. Stop trying to make Brock Osweiler happen.

Kickers were too good this week, so we are due for a 'correction' (missed kicks) next week

Number one, kickers were too good this week. So we're due for a correction next week.

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Tony Romo will try to get released by the Cowboys rather than traded

I expect that Tony Romo is going to try to get himself released... You guys decided to move on. I want to stay. I want to compete for the starting job. You won't let me. Why do you insist on trading me to another team? Now, how the Cowboys respond to that is going to be the big question because Jerry Jones has an asset under contract... I think he's going to try to get released.

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have underachieved over the last six years

What we've seen the last eight games out of Aaron Rodgers makes me wonder, why in the hell haven't we seen that the last six years? Why are they continuously wanting out in the playoffs? Why do they continue to underachieve? Aaron Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the sport of football. How does he not already have more than one Super Bowl win?

The Seahawks will only get back to the Super Bowl if they can secure home-field advantage

That's the key, winning enough regular season games that people have to go to Seattle in the postseason. That's how they're going to get back to the Super Bowl if they ever do.

Jon Gruden and Peyton Manning were a package deal for the Colts

What I've been told is Peyton Manning and Jon Gruden have a very, very good relationship. They're very close... but it was a package deal of Peyton Manning and Jon Gruden. Gruden didn't want to do it.

Devin Hester is a Hall of Famer and will eventually get in

I think he is. Well, if any kicker or punter is worthy of getting in, Devin Hester is worthy of getting in, and I think he eventually will. Now, that doesn't mean he gets in on the first try, but I think eventually he's going to get in. You've got to find a spot for a guy who was transcendent in what he did in the return game.

The Bears will try to trade Jay Cutler this offseason

He's got a very tradable contract, $12.5 million. I think the Bears will try to trade him. Depends on how this coaching deal shakes out. If Kyle Shanahan ends up the head coach somewhere, I could see him being potentially interested in Cutler.

Officials like Gene Steratore are clearly doing curls and need to be drug tested

Refs are getting like a little bit too swole these days. Is there any drug? I know just Gene Steratore, he's been doing some curls, you can tell. Is there drug testing in place for officials?

Rex Ryan will not get another chance as an NFL head coach

I don't think he will. How about at the college level? Wouldn't he be a very good college coach? I mean, could you see him recruit the hell out of guys? I think he's going to end up in TV, though. I'm not sure he's going to be as good as they think he's going to be, but I think he's going to end up in TV.

Jeff Fisher is finished as an NFL head coach but could bamboozle another owner into an interview

Guy's very connected at the league level. He's got good friends in the league office. He's a made man. He knows how to work the media. I think at some point he'll find a way where he at least gets an interview. And if he gets an interview with one of these guys... he could bamboozle someone into hiring him.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

The Chargers moving to LA is like a friend crashing on your couch for a couple years

The chargers didn't even tell the rams they just told twitter... 'whoops hey guys in the rams, we're gonna crash on your couch for a couple years is that okay? ... maybe we'd go halvesies on your apartment ... let us use your stadium. I'll buy you an In-N-Out burger on Friday night.'

Hiring Sean McVay is the NFL equivalent of a 45-year-old divorcé finding an 18-year-old with fake boobs

It's basically if you're married and you're like 45 years old and you get divorced, the next thing you do is you find an 18-year-old with like fake boobs, no job, that sort of thing... you'd go for the opposite [of Jeff Fisher].

A combined roster of the Rams and Chargers would still not be able to win the AFC South

With a combined roster of the best players from the Rams and the Chargers, could Los Angeles win the AFC South? No.

I'm taking the Falcons over the Seahawks because this is Matt Ryan's MVP year

I'm taking the Falcons. I'm laying the points. This is Matt Ryan's year. High-flying offense. Matt Ryan, MVP guy. His year.

Bill Belichick keeps blackmail files and secret surveillance videos on all his former coaches

I bet you Bill Belichick keeps files, and he not only does that, but he installs videotapes in their homes, he pulls a big Putin move, and he observes them, and he has dirt on all his coaches. Any coach that leaves him, he's got blackmail.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

Andy Reid is the greatest coach of all time as long as he has a bye week to rest

Andy Reid off a bye is the greatest coach of all time. It's a classic fat guy behavior. You just need to rest a little. Just give me a minute to catch my breath, a week to catch my breath. And I'll mentally be ready.

Tony Romo on the sideline will be a huge distraction for Dak Prescott in the playoffs

Romo getting FaceTime every time Dak screws up just a little bit is going to be delicious. Tony on the sideline, and Dak throws an early interception, or the Packers go up a little bit. Show me Tony Romo. Show me Tony Romo. Troy Aikman's going to talk about it.

The Packers will beat the Cowboys because Aaron Rodgers will be motivated by how much Dak Prescott loves his family

I'm taking the Packers... if you read the USA Today article about Dak Prescott... it was him talking about his family. That is bulletin board material for Aaron Rodgers, right? Oh, Mr. Big Shot with the family. Oh, you talk to the family? ... You don't send your family all your Christmas gifts back two months later in a totally normal move?

I would not be buying any stocks right now and would put money into real estate instead

I wouldn't be buying any stock right now. [Put money in] Real estate. Hookers? ... That's a dead end road, dude. I'm over a million in those places. There's no return on anything.

Conor McGregor has zero chance of beating Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

Floyd wants an easy $100 million check. ... Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather, I think it's going to happen. ... [Conor has] 1,000% no chance at all. Floyd wouldn't last 30 seconds [in MMA]... Floyd will last a minute because he'd run for 30 seconds.

Chael Sonnen is a compulsive liar who needs rehab to stop lying

That's a lie from Chael. He's a compulsive liar. The guy needs to go to rehab to stop lying. He's a compulsive liar. And his father's turning over in his grave right now.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

The Capitals are regular season heroes who always look awesome in January

And I know not only is the Capitals year, but the Capitals in January, this is when they get hot. This is when they beat teams. You can count on the Capitals in the regular season to look awesome.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship because humans love to see bad things happen to their exes

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

Alabama will vote Democrat in the next election because of the football loss

Fair or not, Nick Saban hasn't won a national title since Trump got elected... as we've learned, could be some funny business if your team doesn't do so well in Alabama. Therefore, look for Alabama to vote Democrat next election cycle.