Takes

Conor McGregor has zero chance of beating Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

Floyd wants an easy $100 million check. ... Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather, I think it's going to happen. ... [Conor has] 1,000% no chance at all. Floyd wouldn't last 30 seconds [in MMA]... Floyd will last a minute because he'd run for 30 seconds.

Chael Sonnen is a compulsive liar who needs rehab to stop lying

That's a lie from Chael. He's a compulsive liar. The guy needs to go to rehab to stop lying. He's a compulsive liar. And his father's turning over in his grave right now.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

The Capitals are regular season heroes who always look awesome in January

And I know not only is the Capitals year, but the Capitals in January, this is when they get hot. This is when they beat teams. You can count on the Capitals in the regular season to look awesome.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship because humans love to see bad things happen to their exes

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

Alabama will vote Democrat in the next election because of the football loss

Fair or not, Nick Saban hasn't won a national title since Trump got elected... as we've learned, could be some funny business if your team doesn't do so well in Alabama. Therefore, look for Alabama to vote Democrat next election cycle.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

The NFL draft process will pick apart college kids' characters for minor things like smoking weed or their parents' divorce

As soon as college football ends, it's draft season... We've got to pick apart these 21-year-olds, really dig into it. Stuff like, have you smoked weed? Do your teammates like you? Is your mother a prostitute? ... Did your parents get divorced because of you?

NFL teams should hire Jeff Ireland as an outside consultant to ask prospects the toughest questions at the combine

I think that they should, every team, in order to limit liability in the NFL draft at the combine, they should hire Jeff Ireland as an outside consultant... just to come in and ask those real tough questions.

Tiger Woods is officially back

I think he's back. Actually, being that I practiced with him and play with him before and before the Ryder Cup and leading up to the Bahamas, he kept looking better and better.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dick on the PGA Tour (just for fun)

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

Aaron Rodgers only celebrates with class because he's promoting an insurance company

At least Aaron Rodgers, he promotes an insurance company, which isn't evil. [Newton] should learn how to act as a quarterback... confidence with class.

David Ortiz will return to the MLB in the summer of 2017

I agree with Hank. What do you think? Like mid season? You think he's going to come for the whole season? Summer. He'll take the cold months off and come back.

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor because of how much he protests against acting

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor.

The Seattle Seahawks only win because they know the rule book better and 'cheat' more than everyone else

Did you notice the Seattle Cheahawks were back to their old cheating ways? ...They just cheat a lot. That's all they do. ...By knowing the rule book better than everybody else.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed because it shuts off his dumb thoughts

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. ...More instinctual. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

2017 is not the 'Year of Matt' after every quarterback named Matt lost in the Wild Card round

Wait, so every Matt lost this weekend, huh? ...Not the year of Matt. Tough weekend for Matt.

Nick Saban probably hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years and just deals with the pain

Nick Saban, he hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years. And he's had cavity pain for all 30 years. ...He just deals with it. He's like, my mouth hurts. ...Day in, day out. That's just what happens.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Lane Kiffin is toxic and will never get hired by another school that matters

I argued in favor of Kiffin for a long time. I really liked him. But in being down at the national championship and being with all the people that matter in college athletics, he's even more toxic today than he was a year ago because of this incident. I don't think anyone else will hire him. He would have to upset somebody of epic proportion to get on a radar screen of a school that really mattered.

Picking Alabama to win every game isn't being a homer, it's just being smart

The reason I like Alabama, and don't laugh, I've picked Alabama in every single game since the Iron Bowl in 2010... And that doesn't make me a homer. It just makes me smart. Because you guys know how many times Alabama has won since 2011.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

I would bet against Michigan making the College Football Playoff in the near future

I wouldn't lock that down. I mean, it's possible, but I'm not going to be one of these, well, anything's possible. Well, not really. I would probably bet against Michigan [making the final four].

Nick Saban seriously considered taking the Texas head coaching job

I know he seriously considered going to Texas. I reported in a book that I did... that a group of Texas supporters floated a hundred million dollar offer to him. ...I think he listened.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Nick Saban owns Mercedes dealerships in Alabama and Tennessee

[Saban] does own two Mercedes dealerships... one in Birmingham and... he owns one in Nashville. He's a part owner of them. I don't mean to say he's a total silent owner... it's public.

Alabama could beat the Cleveland Browns

I think they could, and every time I say that, these purists get crazy. And Danny Sheridan said the line would be 27, but I really think by the end of the season they could, yeah. I'm with Alabama over the Browns.

Stay Woke: Miko Grimes doesn't exist and is actually a schizophrenic alter ego of Brent Grimes

I've got to kind of a stay woke. I don't think that Miko Grimes is a person. I don't think she exists. ...I think maybe he's schizophrenic. He's got an alternate personality, and he tweets from her perspective. He gets to say all the stuff that he wants to say about his employer.

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

Alabama will win and cover the -6.5 spread against Clemson in the National Championship

Six and a half is the spread. I'm going with Paul. Going Alabama. [PFT]: Clemson. [Big Cat]: I will take Alabama.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

The Green Bay Packers are not built for cold weather at Lambeau Field

You know what my favorite take is? The Packers aren't built for Lambeau. They're playing in the wrong stadium. This is a new look. Yeah, they almost wish they were somewhere else. They wish they didn't have a home game.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much.

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

Coach K gave Jeff Capel the Duke team as a tryout to become the future head coach

Um, that K, this whole Capel thing is a tryout for Capel because K wants Capel to get the job after he leaves. So this is, this is not actually like a, his back doesn't hurt. He's just saying, here you go, Capel. I'm going to give you the most talented team, maybe in college basketball history... prove to everyone that you're a great coach. And then that way, when I retire, you can be like, 'Hey, remember that time that I took 12 McDonald's All-Americans to a 4-0 record?'

I do not trust UCLA because they play no defense whatsoever

I don't trust UCLA. Everyone's really excited that UCLA is back, but they play no defense whatsoever.

College basketball teams in major cities suck because they are too densely populated

New York City, a lot of really good basketball players. How come all the college teams suck? ... I'm going to start betting on teams just based on which one has the lowest population density in their hometown.

The Ohio State vs. Clemson total will go over 28.5 points

I like Ohio State's team total over. I think it's like 28 and a half. They're definitely going to score. They'll crush that.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

The NFL MVP race is boring and I don't care who wins

My take on the MVP is I don't give a fuck. Ooh, that's pretty good. So, yeah, a little hot take there for you. I don't really – I can't get excited about an MVP race.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played well in his absence

Well, [Brady] is also a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played pretty well. So, yeah. You can't give it to a system quarterback.