Takes

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

Coach K gave Jeff Capel the Duke team as a tryout to become the future head coach

Um, that K, this whole Capel thing is a tryout for Capel because K wants Capel to get the job after he leaves. So this is, this is not actually like a, his back doesn't hurt. He's just saying, here you go, Capel. I'm going to give you the most talented team, maybe in college basketball history... prove to everyone that you're a great coach. And then that way, when I retire, you can be like, 'Hey, remember that time that I took 12 McDonald's All-Americans to a 4-0 record?'

I do not trust UCLA because they play no defense whatsoever

I don't trust UCLA. Everyone's really excited that UCLA is back, but they play no defense whatsoever.

College basketball teams in major cities suck because they are too densely populated

New York City, a lot of really good basketball players. How come all the college teams suck? ... I'm going to start betting on teams just based on which one has the lowest population density in their hometown.

The Ohio State vs. Clemson total will go over 28.5 points

I like Ohio State's team total over. I think it's like 28 and a half. They're definitely going to score. They'll crush that.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

The NFL MVP race is boring and I don't care who wins

My take on the MVP is I don't give a fuck. Ooh, that's pretty good. So, yeah, a little hot take there for you. I don't really – I can't get excited about an MVP race.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played well in his absence

Well, [Brady] is also a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played pretty well. So, yeah. You can't give it to a system quarterback.

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady will retire together in a 2019 suicide pact

They're going to retire simultaneously. They might do a Romeo and Juliet-like suicide pact. Here's my prediction, okay? 2019, they both kill themselves and retire at the same time.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Chicago Bears will win the Super Bowl next year

Alshon Jeffrey guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. So you get one year now, a little more than one year, 13 months. Go ahead and keep doubting. He guaranteed it. He guaranteed the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl next year.

Sam Bradford had the best season for a quarterback in NFL history because of his completion percentage

Congratulations. Sam Bradford, best quarterback in NFL history, best season. His QB rating was the sixth overall. I'm just saying, I think Vikings fans would actually have my back on this. That trade wasn't that bad.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Eating a book of lit matches is a valid and effective football motivational technique

Well, not only was it a book of matches, but let's go ahead and remember there was a book of lit matches... Anybody can eat a book of matches. It takes some toughness to eat a book of lit matches... I was an old football guy... us basketball coaches have to rely on some of those [techniques]. My guys loved it, so it seemed to get them fired up for the game.

Kirk Cousins will get a long-term contract because he looks the part of a quarterback

Do you know what Kirk has going for him? He looks the part. That's really what it is... That's why Matt Barkley is still in the league. That's why Jimmy Clausen is—throw them in a pair of shorts... they look good.

Michigan State quarterbacks are guaranteed to receive huge contracts

Well, he's a Michigan State quarterback. I feel like you have to give a Michigan State quarterback a huge guaranteed contract. That's how it works.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

Tom Crean's face is the most marketable asset in sports business

Tom Crean has a face that you cannot look away from. You'll never forget it either. If you are walking down the grocery aisle and you see Tom Crean's stupid fucking face, you're buying that product. Tom Crean should actually... we could sell anything with Tom Crean's face on it.

The Patriots will walk right to the Super Bowl

The AFC playoff picture is awful. The Patriots are going to walk right to the Super Bowl.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

The Falcons are actually a good team

[The Falcons] are. If you go look back at their schedule, they could be anywhere from 16-0 or 0-16 if you just count the wins as losses and the losses as wins.

NFL players should be allowed to smoke weed before Thursday night games to manage pain

NFL players should be allowed to do a joint if they were going to play in a Thursday night game. So if you're on a short week, you can smoke weed to get rid of your pain.

The Saturday Wild Card game featuring the Texans is a tradition of bad football that everyone hates

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Chip Kelly will be the offensive coordinator for LSU

I'm just going to put this out here. Chip Kelly to LSU. Offense coordinator? I'm just saying, Chip Kelly to LSU, even though him and Coach O, they don't speak the same language.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Coach K isn't actually hurt because you coach with your spine, not your back

Hurt or injured, Coach K? I'd say neither. You don't coach with your back. You coach with your spine. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. It's like you coach with your spine, bro. Do you really need to have a functional back to coach? He could just lay down. Larry Bird did it.

Gary Kubiak needs to stay around football or his health will decline immediately

Kubiak strikes me as a guy that could pull a Joe Pop... like the second you step away from the game, a football guy needs to be around football or else his health goes downhill. It's counterintuitive for Kubiak, but I think the more he coaches, the more healthy he's going to be.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

I'm the reason people like Joe Buck now

two-time Joe Buck, who people like him now because of us, I'm just gonna say it.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.

The only way to avoid male pattern baldness is to murder your grandfather before he loses his hair

Yeah, the only way to not inherit male pattern baldness from your mom's father is if you murder him before he goes bald.

My interview with the Vikings players actually built a wing of a children's hospital

The interview that actually built a wing of a children's hospital and saved children's lives.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

The tattoo has officially replaced the mustache as a symbol of American masculinity

Well, the tattoo probably replaced the mustache, you know?

I own a piece of Swansea City AFC

You and I are both owners of Swansea... I own like 0.08% of 1%. I'm part of one of the groups that bought Swansea.

I would unretire and play soccer again for $15 million

If someone were to offer you $15 million to play next year, would you play? [Landon Donovan: Yes.] Okay, breaking news. Not retired. Open to a comeback.

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

NBA players are just as tough as hockey players

I think it's more so that people try to go at NBA players like we're soft. Well, we're just as tough. Just as tough as hockey players.

The Canadian dollar is the only thing that can stop the Chicago Blackhawks

The only thing that can stop the Blackhawks is your stupid fucking Canadian dollar... because what they do is they keep escrow based on the Canadian dollar pretty much. So they're going to get none of the 20% they were paying.

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker and is fully equipped for the end of the world

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. He's got guns... He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro.