Takes

England shouldn't be allowed to compete for Europe in the Ryder Cup after Brexit.

What a crock of shit that England's allowed to compete with Europe even though they Brexited. Give me a break. You can't have it both ways, man.

Charlie Strong will lose the Red River Shootout and be fired within a week.

That means he's basically got six days. That means – He's going to lose the Red River shootout and he's going to get fired... This is the worst thing to have your athletic director say. 'We will not fire him this year.' That basically says you're going to get fired in a week.

The Cleveland Browns are the worst team in football.

Worst team in football... Cleveland Browns. They're also 0-3 against the spread.

The Dodgers intentionally lost to the Giants to avoid facing the Cardinals in the postseason.

Dodgers lost on purpose. They knew what would happen if they met the Cardinals in the playoffs... Dodgers lie down and roll over for the Giants, knocking the Cardinals out of the playoffs.

David Ortiz definitely used steroids in his final MLB season.

David Ortiz... obviously did steroids in his last year. It's not even a witch hunt, really. I'm rubber stamping it. Witch hunt confirmed. He hit .317. That's the third highest average he's ever had. Connect the dots, Hank. You can't get suspended for steroids if you retire.

A small part of me is afraid of what happens to my identity if the Cubs actually win the World Series.

There's like a 1% of my brain that doesn't fully know what to do if the Cubs actually won the World Series. If they don't win, our identity is still intact. I'm the dog chasing a car and I don't know what I would do if I caught it.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

Next year will finally be the year Ryan Tannehill makes the leap

I think next year is the year that Ryan Tannehill is really going to make that leap. Yep. They need to give him a couple more extensions, really show they have faith in him, and then eventually he'll blossom.

The ACC is officially back and the SEC is dead

I think the ACC is back, gentlemen. The ACC is back. The SEC is dead and continues to be dead.

Bobby Petrino will stay at Louisville for the long term because he is a man of faith

Love Petrino. I feel like Petrino's a good guy. He's got the whole faith of the program behind him. He's not going anywhere. Oh, man, after they go undefeated and they beat Houston too, Petrino's sticking around for the long term. He's not going to Texas or LSU next year.

I am confident enough in the Cubs to book flights for the NLCS early

We are booking our flights to go to Chicago for NLCS game one and two. No chance this backfires on you at all. No chance.

You should only celebrate if you win a World Series, otherwise the game is just a chore.

Only celebrate when you win a World Series. Other than that, the game is a chore.

My batting average for making Lorne Michaels laugh was around .300

My batting average with Lorne was probably... in baseball we're talking about baseball batting yeah that's batting right baseball yep um i probably would say i was in the 300 area okay yeah yeah i did pretty well he liked a lot of my stuff

Son of Zorn is the first ever show with a cartoon as the main character of a sitcom.

Zorn is the first ever show that is a cartoon as the main character of a sitcom. I think that is absolutely true.

I can bench my own body weight

What do you bench? I can bench about 170 maybe. Oh, what do you weigh? About 170. Oh, man. Okay. I can bench me.

LSU will look like a completely different team under Coach O

I think you're actually going to see a lot of stuff, a lot of different stuff from LSU when they take the field Saturday night against Missouri.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

You should always bet on a team if their mascot goes down or a player has a family tragedy.

Anytime a mascot goes down, anytime a team changes a uniform, something cool, like a bright color, new helmets, the matte helmets, anytime a player dies, family member dies, got to bet on that team.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

Nothing good ever happens on the cloud, so you should stay off of it.

Stay off the cloud, kids. Nothing good can happen on the cloud. The cloud is not your friend.

I am officially joining the #NeverBears movement and will never bet on the Bears again.

I went back to the well and I bet on the Bears again. Never again. ... Never bears. Start it now. Hashtag it. Never bears.

A sprain is worse than a break

Sprains worse than a break. People forget that.

My J.J. Watt shoes caused my broken foot and J.J. Watt's back injury

My big takeaway, and I'm just connecting dots here, I was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. J.J. Watt was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

There should be a 'Walking Awareness Month' in the NFL

Why isn't there a walking awareness month in the NFL? Walking injures more people statistically. People die all the time walking in front of cars. Drunk walking. Yeah, but they die walking. There should be walking awareness month if Roger Goodell truly cares about his fans.

Car bombs are the number one drink to order at a bar

Number one, car bombs.

Drinking a Budweiser (Bud Heavy) bottle at a bar is a badass move

Budweiser. Bottle. It's actually America. That's just a badass move. If you see a guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, okay, this guy fucks.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

Penn State should have a fluid process for reevaluating Joe Paterno's wins based on current public sentiment

I think Penn State should just have a fluid process of always constantly reevaluating whether or not Joe Paterno's wins stand. So like as more evidence comes out, you can take his wins away. And then once you forget about all the bad stuff he did, you give him his wins back.

Lane Kiffin will get a head coaching job and be fired within a year

My hot seat is going to be Lane Kiffin. He's probably going to get a head coaching job after this year. It seems about time. And that immediately puts him back on the hot seat because he'll get fired within a year.

Bill Belichick is more important to the Patriots than Tom Brady

Who is more important to the Patriots, Belichick or Brady? Belichick.

You can't blame old people for things like forgetting people, pooping their pants, or being racist

You know, there's things you can't blame old people for. Forgetting people. Pooping their pants. Sexism. Racism. Touches of racism. You sort of have to just go, okay.

The Patriots are definitely winning the Super Bowl this year

You think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl? Sure. Come on. Don't say sure. Just say yes or no. Yes. I mean, how could they not?

Regis Philbin might be dead and his wife Joy is catfishing America by responding to his emails

Regis Philbin... Might be dead... [PFT Commenter] Oh, is Joy, is she catfishing America right now with Regis? Is she playing like a weekend at Bernie's?

LSU will go after Nick Saban to replace Les Miles

One name that's floating around that LSU is allegedly going to go after, Nick Saban. LSU wants Nick Saban to coach their football team.

Greg Hardy strikes me more as a meth and PCP guy than a cocaine guy

[Greg Hardy] never struck me as a coke guy, to be honest. He struck me as a meth guy, a heavy, heavy meth guy. Maybe some angel dust? Yeah, PCP and meth.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

Bryce Harper's thumb injury and Daniel Murphy's buttocks injury are definitely connected

Bryce Harper with a thumb injury and Daniel Murphy with a buttocks injury... got to connect those. I'm not a conspiracy guy. The butt goes in the thumb. There are a lot of dots out there. This seems like it's a nice fit.

The Chicago Bears are the worst team in the NFL

The Bears are the worst team in the NFL... No, they are. I said that. It was a definitive statement I said.

I'm still holding out hope for the Jaguars to turn their season around

I don't want to say the Jaguars [are the worst team] because I'm still jagging off. I'm still holding out hope for the Jags to turn things around.

The Sam Bradford trade was a win for both the Vikings and the Eagles

I was the biggest winner because I said that it was a great trade for the Vikings and a great trade for the Eagles because the Eagles can now start Carson Wentz, who I believed in, and the Vikings now have Sam Bradford as a higher ceiling than whoever they were going to start.

Sam Bradford will eventually trip over his own sleeves and dislocate his shoulder

[Sam Bradford] is going to trip over his sleeves at some point and dislocate his shoulder, and then that'll be all she wrote.

The Vikings have the best defense in the NFL

But seriously, though, the Vikings look awesome. Their defense, I mean, best defense in the league. Probably.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back

Aaron Rodgers is [back]... Aaron gets really surly with the media. He pouts, tells everyone to relax, and then he goes out and kills the Lions. And I feel like we've done this every year.